Done - Just Done.........Tough Month. Vent/Rant Mostly.

Ever since I read this I keep coming back to the same question, why on earth would a woman who cannot even take care of herself decide it was a good idea to have a child. Do you see how completely unfair that is to your child?

So your poor husband works all night, comes home, picks you and the kid up and takes her to daycare. So I guess when he leaves the food out are the days when your daughter doesn't have daycare? So if he makes a snack and then goes to bed, and you are sleeping late enough that the food is spoiled when you get up, who exactly is watching this toddler? That is neglect and dangerous. What if she gets out and is killed? Based on this he gets home around 8:00 in the morning so you are sleeping till noon?

Get your act together before your child becomes a statistic.

Rant all you want, I will not feel bad for defending an innocent child. I know what depression is like. Not sure what your post would look like if you were describing my depression. Three kids, one on the way, dealing with a toddler that everyone was telling me was autistic, turns out they were right. All I wanted to do is curl up in a ball but I HAD THREE KIDS! You do what you must do to protect your kids, that is all.

I wish you understood, you claim this is who you are, you have no control over this but you were like this when you thought it was a good idea to have kids. Do you not see how selfish you were? Your needs, always your needs, people who put their needs first always should not have kids! Please get some professional help, some meds, you need it

I'm sorry, but in the length of time it took you to write this post and read your responses, I could have vacuumed 2 rooms, given 3 kids a bath, loaded the dishwasher, folded a load of laundry, run to the store for a couple things, talked to my mother on the phone for 10 minutes, and sucked my husband off in the laundry room with the door closed.

Okay, if you are really so depressed and your anxiety is so debilitating that you can't handle the "rough month" you've described, you should probably be inpatient. You must realize most people reading this have a hundred times more than this on their plate: your "rough month" sounds like a dreamy vacation for most of us. At the very least, get yourself to your GP right now and start some meds. Oh, and birth control.

Stop making excuses as to why you cannot treat your depression and anxiety. Or stop whining about it.

I am sorry to be unkind, but you are a mother now. You CAN handle this, you MUST handle this. You no longer have the option of not treating your illnesses.

Frankly, at some point, it just may occur to your husband that his life would be easier as a single Dad with full custody of his child. At any rate, I would like to buy that man a beer.

Real life starts now. Get yourself together, DO something about your illnesses, and turn the computer OFF. You're a mother now, thereby you're better than this. You HAVE to be.

:(

ETA: So you have PAIN, do you? You do realize "pain" is treatable? People who choose to not get help for their "pain" when it's available have no business whining about it. Especially people with children. There are women on this board whose children have died, tragically, or from illness, and you need to get rid of your kid 3 days a week so you can "breathe"?

Sorry but I've been depressed and still managed to hold down a very challenging job and study for professional exams. Your husband should be depressed with all he's doing and you get 3 days of kid free house and still can't manage. It's hard for us to help you bc you obviously need medication. Get some asap. And how about a bicycle to some places? Is anything close enough? Exercise will help too. And LOTS of us have zero family around to help.

ETA: what's interesting to me is you're defending yourself. "this is me. poor me. Don't be mean to me." What do you want?? Us to tell you this is ok? If you were really depressed, our comments would send you into tears and you'd be beating yourself up. Instead you're acting defensive bc we're not ok'ing what you're doing and cheering you up. Your poor husband. Get your act together. Get some help in the form of medication.

Aftter reading your SWH this is my comment.
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

You need more help than we can give and since you seem to have ALL of the answers to your problems and don't even really want a sympathetic ear. There is nothing left for us to add but to encourage you to get the professional help you obviously need. If not for yourself do it for your family. Change your mind, change your decisions, change your actions and your life will change.

Be blessed.

I've been following your posts because you do seem to have a rough time of it - we all have at one time or another, so hopefully some of the advice is helping you a bit :)

I have to rely on my husband because of my illness - so I can relate to that part a bit. So very often he has to do it all. It's not easy - I hear you. Let your husband know how much you appreciate him. It's easy to get into tiffs and snits - but honestly, men find this just as overwhelming, especially when they have kids underfoot. My husband is fantastic, but yes - he gets stressed too. I think everyone does when you're in a crunch.

So simplify as others have suggested. I keep reading about people worried about mopping their floors and keeping a clean house. Unless my babies were crawling around in dust bunnies that were ginormous, I let it go. Is this part of your anxiety? Cleanliness?

We ate chicken nuggets, hotdogs and KD when I was at my worst - because my husband was cooking. And take out pizza. We survived - as did my kids. I can't even look at a hot dog at this point, but you do what's necessary. I know you guys have dietary issues. Figure those out and life will get a lot simpler. Elimination, work with proper resources who can help you .. it will get easier.

Isn't your little one very small? I didn't worry about socialization at that point. I had to do day care because of my health, but when they are very small .. it's not a huge deal. Day care is more than enough.

If you can't drive - let it go for now. Sounds like adding to your plate (driving lessons) is only going to stress you out.

Family trip - it will be fun once you are there. No point in worrying. Just simplify it as much as possible when the time comes.

I would focus on getting your depression and anxiety under control. Everything will seem easier to deal with when you do. Make that your #1 priority. Moms have to take care of themselves first, in order to be able to care for anyone else.

Good luck :)

Oh - and maybe lower your expectations a bit :) I thought having kids would be like something off a TV sitcom. It's not. It's a lot of giving (of your time, your energy, your patience, etc.) and some days, it feels like you're not getting much in return. You're not the only one - mothering is hard at times. Give yourself a break, realizing you're doing a good job, and take time for yourself. Even a walk outside on a beautiful day can do a world of good.

Well clearly things won't get any better until you get some help for your severe anxiety and depression. You may need therapy or meds or both, I don't know.
In the meantime why do you say "we" take our son to daycare? Why are you having your husband shuttle you along and bring you back home when he should just be dropping your daughter off himself to and from work? You are wasting his time and yours by going for a pointless car ride. Stay home and focus on your housework. Unless you live in a mansion you should be able to keep your home relatively clean in just about an hour a day.
What exactly do you do those three days you have (it sounds like) eight hours to yourself? Sit in the dark? in front of the TV? You say you don't have any family but don't you at least have friends?
Something just doesn't add up here...

Have you heard of/ tried fly lady? It suggests baby steps to boost your confidence, love yourself and clean your home.

We make use of robots (roomba and scooba).

We batch cook, freeze, and eat leftovers. I can make 2 lasagnas in about the same amount of time as it takes to make one. We freeze the second one, and pull it out when we are short on time. steam some veg, add a salad and dinner in less time than it takes to get drive through.

Meanwhile, outsource- you can have your laundry droped off, laundered, folded and delivered. you can have a house cleaner. you can have a home organizer. you can see if social services will send a short bus to take you to your appointments. you can sign up for pre-cooked meals, or at least get your groceries deliverd. there are also concierge services that pack and ready you/ your family/ your home for a trip.

Make use of that which you need, and which your budget will allow. Getting yourself to a healthy place is the best thing you can do for your family.

Best,
F. B.

I'm sorry you are struggling but I have to tell the truth bc it's the only thing that will help you. This is all within your control. You have to be the one to make the changes or nothing will get better. And this lack of getting things done and stress is what is pushing you back into depression.

1. Transportation is an issue this needs to be your number 1 priority. Get into a drivers class. Pay a babysitter if you need to to watch the kid while your DH takes you driving. If you say " we can not afford it" that is an excuse. You are paying for full day day care 3 x a week when you are a stay at home mom. Yes you can afford drivers school. If you have to cut the daycare for now then do it. It's temporary.

2. Time management is arguably the biggest issue. Even if DH is working 60 hours a week, there is still time for him to drop you at the grocery store and come back in 1 hour to 90 minutes. You are home full time with 3 days of full day childcare. There is no reason your house should be a mess.
Look on line for cleaning schedules. Put structure and routine into your days. Write it down on a planner or calendar and then check it off ;)

3. In the meantime look for solutions. Unless you are in a very rural area a bike with a bike stroller would solve a lot of issues while you sort out transportation. You could get the kid out, you could take it to the grocery store and bring smaller amount of groceries home 2 x a week.

This is all meant as tough love not judgement. Take care of these 3 things and your life will change for the better quickly.

ETA: If you don't want to change your situation that is up to you but $80 a week is 346 a month (80x52)/12. Add in fast food cost. And there are other providers that will take you there isn't only this one place. Listen, I've been there. I was so overwhelmed and depressed when I had 3 kids in diapers I wanted to run away and I also thought about harming myself. I should have gotten help but I didn't. You know what I did - I got busy. I went back to work. I changed the dynamic of my day and my week. I still struggle with parenthood but I made it out the other side of the depression by changing the landscape of my day and week. It's been almost 6 years. I'm pretty happy my kids are good. My friends who struggle with depression who stay in the house all day guess what - they are still depressed. Now I will say I get the chemical in balances need to be treated with medication and if you need mediation, get it but you can't do only that. You have to make changes in your day and circumstances as well.

Please please get this transporation issue resolved. Make your self a schedule. Get professional help too. Get out of the house! Otherwise 3 years from now you're going to be in the same situation.

you need to see a dr asap.. right now.. . you are overwhelmed with each and every thing happening in your life right now. your childs eating, your house cleaning, your day care..

please see a dr.. get some meds and counseling.. so you can get better.

In times of crisis, do whatever you need to to simplify. Order some paper plates and cups in bulk from Amazon so you don't need to do dishes.

And, google grocery delivery in your area. Where I am, they will shop and deliver for just $8 per order. In the long run, you'll spend less even with fees than you will eating fast food, and you'll feel better.

Do you have to rely on DH to drive? Look into Uber or Lyft. It's not something you want to pay for every day because it could get expensive, but if your childcare provider charges you $15 for picking up late, and using Uber to drive you to pick up your child only costs you $10, you are ahead.

I know when a person is depressed, it is hard to get the motivation to take action, but please try. Because some simple actions - like getting groceries delivered - will make things better in the long run.

Can your husband do more? I know he is working long days, but you need some kind of a break. My husband was working two hours from home 5 days a week but still managed to help me with the kids, house, dinner, etc when he got home. It's part of being a team (and I also work full-time).

Things like dinner and the house can all be flexible. Surface clean stuff takes 30 minutes max for my first floor. That's sweeping 3 rooms and a foyer, vacuuming one room, wiping counters, and doing a quick clutter clean up. When I have these things done, I am far less stressed.

Dinner can be crock pot meals. We are gone all the time too and we often eat out of the crock pot from fall-spring. This year we haven't as much because my husband is unemployed - but I'd rather eat from the crock pot and have him working, honestly.

However, if you are depressed you need to take care of that first. Get to a doctor or a therapist or both. Get on meds or schedule weekly (or however often you need) therapy sessions. Once you get that in check everything else should come easier.

Don't be so hard on yourself though, life gets hard sometimes and we all struggle to deal. This will all be okay.

You're right - we can't help you.
Please see a doctor and get your depression/anxiety treated.
Cancel the trip.
Seeing a doctor is more important.

Something to consider is grocery delivery. Honestly, it's inexpensive, and if it gets you something on the table vs stressing about meals, it's worth it. My DH used to use it all the time when he was a single dad, and we've used it since in times of illness or other events. You should see if a local store will deliver, or will do that thing where they gather it and you just show up in your car at an appointed time. You've also stressed before about your child's hydration and milestones. Please re-read those messages and take a step back. It's perhaps not ideal, but kids can live on chicken fingers and hot dogs so I'm sure there are lots of meal ideas you can work with. As for DH, if he's on your case about the budget and the meals, then have him do the grocery shopping and/or sit with you to discuss meal planning. Maybe he has no idea what a pepper costs. Something we do is stock up on sales. Pasta for $1? We'll take 4 and save every time we use one of those boxes.

When you say getting out to socialize, what does that mean? Go to a park? Do you try to get out once a day or once a week? If she's in daycare, I would not struggle with socializing any other day just for being social's sake. Take that off your Must Do list if you are stressed.

Regarding daycare, please talk to the provider. You want to be proactive instead of being dropped for being late. Is there a provision to pay more to have her there an hour later? Can someone else pick her up? Can you get a taxi if you know that DH is running late? If he comes to get you first, would it save time to go straight to the center? Etc. Will this be his new schedule forever? Can he do things like go in early to get out earlier?

When you say you struggle with cleaning, what do you need to do in a day? What's your daily list like? Can you move things around? Can you occasionally hire someone? Our cleaning lady comes 2x a month to give us a good overall clean.

If it's a matter of a mopped floor or a happy home, go for the happy home. Spend some time with DH watching a show or a movie or just talking. This AM I got up early with DH because he'll be in class tonight and we won't have any time. I also send him emails or he'll call at lunch if he wants to chat. It's more important to us that we do that than if I have the kitchen table clear (which I don't).

It sounds to me like transportation is the biggest issue and you should prioritize your health and daycare. Is there a driving school that would pick you up while she's in daycare, either from your home or from the daycare? Are there any taxis, mass transit, carpool, etc. options in your area you could use? http://www.chooseyourwaybellevue.org/bus

Another thought is if you have her in daycare for socialization and choice, and don't absolutely need her there every day, is there any chance you or DH could pick her up at lunchtime so you're not rushing at the end of the day? You get a few hours, but the provider isn't unhappy?

Take a breath and try to see everything as individual pieces and not one big hurdle.

ETA: I know he works out of the home and you are in the home and have daycare, but if you are struggling, then where can he help? Even if it's just one thing he takes off your plate, it may help. It's his house and his child, too. Please ignore the person who said there's no reason for your house to be a mess. If you are struggling, then you are struggling. I still think that transportation is the first thing you need to resolve because after that you'll be able to deal with daycare times, groceries, and most of all, your appointments. Also see if you can get any phone or skype appointments. Some providers will do that.

Please have your husband read this.

Your wife's mental health is seriously impairing her day to day functioning.
She needs help. Sometimes severe anxiety/depression prevents one from getting help. This is a symptom of it.

Please help her find help. Please sit with her and assist her in making an appointment for help, or better yet take her there. Most community mental health center have an "ER" where she can be seen immediately.

Please help her get connected to mental health help so that you all can reduce some of the stress and get some support.

You may need to do less. Find what you need most, and tackle that FIRST. Then the next thing..

It does not matter if you already do "very little" in some people's eyes. It is too much for you. Some people can be CEOs of major companies and supermoms and community advocates. Other people can barely handle life with no kids.

I have those depressed phases too. Even though I can cope and drive and do everything: I still understand that hopeless rut feeling. When it happens to me, I've finally managed to do less until I can get myself together. I just came out of one of those phases in late winter. I was working through a major declutter of my house, working out, doing some work stuff, I'm a single mom of thee with a big house but I KEPT PRESSING on to meet all my deadlines (many self-imposed) and BOOM I got massively depressed, overwhelmed, tired, hungry, futile in my attitude.

So I did less. I put the declutter on hold for a month even though I wanted it done by April and I needed to do that before all my other goals... I quit exercising every day even though I needed to lose weight. I laid on the couch and read a good book for an hour per day. I did the minimum of house work to get by 'til kids got home. I took naps. I watched Law and Order when I should have sorted 6 loads of laundry. I did easy dinners and early bed times. For weeks after years of "going non-stop". I just couldn't cope. So I did the max I could do and eventually, as always, my strength came back. I'm back to decluttering, exercising, working, being a better mom, buying groceries doing laundry, mowing the yard, doing all the chores with a cheerful demeanor......but sometimes....

Get yourself together. Do less. Don't do the housework for a week or two. No one will die. Tell the hubs you need to rest and then you'll do it. Get medication and help. DON'T GO ON THE TRIP!!!! If you are on the edge of sanity, eating the ticket money is less stress. Get help. Don't feel judged. You have to find your level of productivity and don't apologize for it. Depression is no joke. I'm so grateful mine's not worse.

Sounds to me like you should make taking care of your depression your top priority. Then the other things will fall into place because you will not feel so overwhelmed. Therapy as well as medication for your depression and your anxiety as well as driving lessons will make a big difference in your life! If you get over your anxiety of driving and are able to drive where you need to go then you will be able to get things done much more easily. As for being slow in the mornings...I have a deal with another mom at my daughter's preschool. She picks my daughter up every morning and gets her there and I pick up her son at the end of the day and drive him home before we go home. Maybe something like this will help you? Every Sunday (or whatever your day off is) go early in the morning to buy all your groceries you need for the week. If you plan out your meal for each day then you will not need to go again during the week. Or plan out what you need for the week and order them online and have them delivered. I know you probably know this, but you have to start implementing it! My mom worked full time but she always cooked quick and easy home made meals when she got home. Your trip sounds like it will be some great quality family time if you don't let your anxiety ruin it for you. Deep breaths!

I'm sorry you feel done.

I have days like that. Sometimes I go for a walk and think I'll just never return.

Amazingly, I have a terrific life: A loving husband that has a good job, three healthy and amazingly independent children. My parents are alive and healthy, and I see my brother from time to time. I even get to go out monthly to hang with other ladies. I should have no complaints, but at least once a month, I have a , "I'm done with it all" day. I then reaffirm my choices, put a smile on, and go scrub the damn floor.

One foot in front of the other. I don't know your story, but your story isn't much different from most other peoples. Have you tried fly lady? Do you meditate? I rarely get out of bed without first meditating. I try to have some me time before having to do for others-every morning. This means the kids do media. I don't care. I work out, I shower. I prep dinner. I make my lists.

I then put one foot in front of the other and just move. I have lived my adult life with this philosophy. One foot in front of the other. One thing at a time. Make your lists, and just March. This is what life is. This is what puts depression at bay. Exercise and move. Focus in the doing. In there is joy and happiness.

Please please check out mediation as a mechanism for controlling depression. Also Check out this site: http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/treating-depress...

I don't know what kind of treatment you are seeking, but it all starts and ends with you. The information you need is at your finger tips.

Life with young kids is soul sucking. We are all burnt out. It is what it is, but it will soon be over.

Let me also say this, I find certain ages with kids to be really tiring. They have developmental periods that really push burn out. They stop sleeping, start running, etc. With each of my kids,hubby and I had "bad periods" at certain times. Then things get better, once we get more sleep, that developmental stage passes, etc.

If I recall correctly, you are entering a very new territory with your LO. She has no need for daycare at her age, but we'll skip over that. She is starting to be independent, insisting upon it, I'm sure. This will introduce lots of conflict areas that never existed before. Mastering distraction is key to handling this stage without lots of tears-for toddler and mommy.

In any case, make a decision to make it better and make it better. You don't need an appointment with someone to do this. And I can say this, as someone who suffered from depression for many years. In fact, it was on,y once I stopped with pills that I got over it. Do check out that link I shared.

I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through, but to a great extent it sounds like the stuff almost everyone (maybe not rich people) go through when their kids are little.

Little kids are exhausting and time to do everything is minimal during those years. My anxiety was much worse when my kids were little, I think because I never got a break. Once they grew, it became much less.

Why can't DH drive? My husband does almost all the driving, because he is the worst back seat driver ever - I can't drive one block with him in the car without him telling me how to do it. So I let him drive, and I'm perfectly happy with that. He's driven long road trips with me not driving at all. ETA: If you are talking about daily driving, yes it's worth doing -- once again there might be occasions for Xanax while you become comfortable with it.

Maybe some Xanax for occasionally high spells of anxiety? I'm using it now, while I go through my mother's cancer ordeal.

In hindsight, I know my house being perfectly clean didn't matter. The dirt and mess is always back in two days anyway.

Good luck, you can get through this.

I think every single mom has been in a place where they want to walk out the front door and never come back. So when those times hit, you adjust. You only do what MUST be done.

You can find super easy recipes online. Just google it. Some easy ones are crock pot, one pot and pantry meals. Most of them are 15 minutes or less. In reality, most of us eat the same 8 meals over and over. See if there is quicker ways to make them. If spaghetti is a favorite, then buy a lot of the pasta when it's on clearance. Instead of browning 1 pound of hamburger at a time, do 6 pounds then freeze the rest in serving sizes in zip baggies. Same thing with chicken. Then just thaw and throw it in soups, pastas, sandwiches, enchiladas, casseroles, whatever. Also make double batches and throw one in the freezer. Meatloaf is a great one for this. I get the trays at the dollar store and they work great in the freezer. It's so much easier.

Why are both of you getting the kid from daycare? If you can't get to her on time offer to pay the sitter a little more to keep her a half hour longer. It would be worth it not to stress. If you are home all day then why can't your husband just pick her up? He has the car, right? And I guess if you are already stressed about driving, I don't see that as a priority. Because even if you had your license you would need another car and that is more insurance and gas as well as repairs. Not sure what your finances are but another car just bumps that up even more.

Also, I take it you are home all day and your kid is in daycare 3 days a week to allow you some time to clean the house and free time? So you "should" be able to reasonably keep the house up and have a meal at the end of the day. If you are so depressed that you can't do this then you do need to get some counseling and/or meds to help you.

I am also home during the day and sometimes I just watch tv all day because I veg out. lol So time can get away from you, I get it. But then you get focused again and do what needs to be done. So right now if you need a breather just take it. Also, if you have family coming in and only one car, tell them to take a taxi or shuttle. They are saving money by staying with you and tell them it's too much to try to drive and get them. Or if you are really stressed, cancel them until you feel better and can deal.

The bottom line is, you don't have to have the house perfect or a gourmet meal on the table every day. But you don't need to live like a slob and eat fast food every day either. You need to find a "happy medium" to get you through this time. The internet is your friend with lots of easy recipes and house cleaning tips that should help. Good luck.

There is no reason to have to explain yourself over child care. If everyone was "perfect" there would be no reasons for Mother's Day Out programs.

We need breaks sometimes and it's not a bad thing. It does NOT mean we are less or faulty. I love sending the kids off to school. There, I said it out loud.

I LIKE HAVING MY DAYS FREE!!!

I think you do need to find a way to not be late to child care. Hubby needs to let his bosses know that his child care closes at Xpm, say half an hour earlier than it does so he can have a cushion. Let the bosses know he's willing to stay an extra half hour and come in a half hour earlier or something but he can't be late to child care. Bosses typically understand that. It's concrete, something that is out of his control and won't be anything he can change.

If you pay for child care and they are open 7am-6pm then you are paying for the entire day. Most kids are in child care well over 10 hours per day.

Parents who have to be in their seat and ready to go at 8am need to be there by 7:45/7:50 so they can get their supplies ready, go to the bathroom, get a drink if allowed, etc...just get stuff put up and ready to work. If they travel a bit to work or if traffic can be dicey they need at least 30 minutes to get to work. So that means drop kiddo off at child care by 7:15am.

So parent goes to work and works 8-5. Then boss or co-worker stops them to ask a question, or last minute phone call, or traffic is backed up. They may not get to child care until 5:45 or even right at 6pm.

Kiddo was in child care from 7:15am through 5:45pm. Kiddo in child care 10.5 hours. Average day for kiddo. Not a long day, normal every day of the work day/year average hours in care.

So your provider is supposed to accommodate that. If they are complaining because you're using too many hours you need to let them know what the average day of all the kids in the USA are for parents who work 8-5.

Now if hubby's working past time for kiddo to be picked up and they want to close on time but can't because of your kiddo they have every right to boot them to the curb.

So figure out a way to take a taxi, bus, get a neighbor to take you, etc....it's your job to pick up kiddo before closing time every day. Paying late fees would be more expensive than a cab on that day once or twice per week.

Pay a neighbor $5 for gasoline to take you. Or walk. Push a stroller. Ride a bike and put a kid seat on the back or a toddler seat. There are ways you can get around town without it being behind the wheel.

You MUST put YOU FIRST!! Get to the dr. appointments. Make them your number one priority, You mental health comes before a clean house. Straighten out your mind and you'll straighten out your home.

Google anxiety breathing techniques. Do them. and anything else that is suggested. Get on some meds. Not forever, but for now.

You'll get through it. Prioritize your needs and then follow through!

Good luck!