Does My Mother in Law Hate Me? or Do I Just Think She Does?j

Its not your house. I suggest that you and your husband get your own place, even if it's a small apartment, and move out.

I don't think she hates you, but I think you are all each other's nerves from too much togetherness.

On a related note, I love my mother in law and she loves me. But there is no way we could live together.

There could be a variety of realities here.

Yes, she could be the bitter old hag you are describing. Or maybe, she's just fed up. I don't know.

Are you a renter/housemate who is working, active in helping around the house (like, you see a task and do it without being asked) or are you being Queenly Pregnant and expecting her to deal with you being around the house all day while your husband is supporting everyone?

I was once a terrible houseguest; I was visiting my boyfriend in San Diego and staying with friends of his. I was 19. The trip was supposed to be for 2 weeks; it lasted about one week. I hung out around their house, didn't help, watched a lot of tv and complained that my boyfriend had to work/had duty (Navy) and that I was in a completely different town. What a whiner I was. Instead of getting out, learning the bus system, helping make meals and dishes, etc, I camped out on their couch. No wonder they wanted me gone.

I mention this because, had I been respectful of their generosity, mature and aware, I would have understood how hard it was on everyone and made an effort. But I was young, self-absorbed and expecting to be a 'guest'. I'm ashamed, now, of how ungrateful and ungracious I was back then.

You have the choice to try and work on things. Things in your relationship (I read your other question) with your husband. Things in your relationship with your stepkids, who do need an adult tending them. Who did you expect to take care of them at the dinner? When we have an extended family dinner, my husband and I make sure to serve Kiddo's food and help him get settled in to eat before sitting down ourselves. I've sat 'with the kids' at my own family functions when it seemed right to do so, esp. when Kiddo was young and needed more guidance at the table.

I think you need think about 'what's reasonable' rather than about being insulted that things aren't going the way you want. Family is tough, even when things are going smoothly. Babies do not make you feel good about yourself and parenting is hard work. Your anger toward your husband that he isn't going to doc appts with you-- all of this is indicative of your unreasonable expectations. I'd do some soul searching and ask yourself what your part in all of this is. Because you do have a part in this, if you are willing to accept that. Good luck.

Sounds like she doesn't want you there.
Time to put on your big girl panties and have your husband put on his big boy boxers and find your own space.
It's not your house. All you are doing is paying bills. DO you help with the upkeep of the house? DO you do chores? Clean up the kitchen? Take care of the yard? Do laundry?
Living all on top of each other (step sons, you pregnant, and a husband) has got to be overwhelming for a woman who thought she was done raising her son.
Get out of her house. Show her that you can take care of yourself and her grandsons (your step sons). Your husband needs to show that he can take care of HIMSELF and the kids that he is making.
You sound like you may need to grow up a bit. Getting pregnant and having kids doesn't make you an adult or grown up. It just makes you pregnant. Living in his mom's house.

Sorry but paying bills doesn't make you the owner of a house no more than being married and having a child makes you an adult. You know this and you want her to tell you that you are a grown up but she isn't, that isn't hate, that is just she doesn't see you as responsible.

You probably needed to sit with your step sons. You don't mention if they are well behaved, stay seated and eat, need monitoring. All you are pouting about is she made you sit with them. My niece pouts like you but then her kids are brats and we don't like dealing with them, she is their mom after all and absent your husband those kids are your responsibility as well. You are about to have a child, if you stink at parenting your step kids that can be concerning to the adults around you.

Looking at your other question you both sound very immature. Sounds to me like all she wants is for you to grow up.

No... it's not your house "too" if your name is not on the deed.

Maybe if you take some personal responsibility for yourself, hubby, his children and your unborn child by getting your own roof over your own head you may get more respect from others.

having just responded to your other question, my best guess is that she, like her son, is at her wit's end with having to deal day in and day out with your raging insecurity and immaturity.
my dear, you have got to grow up, get a spine, and somehow, somewhere find some serenity and self-confidence or this child is doomed. a hysterical narcissistic mother is not good for any baby.
how nice that your step-sons were there. it sounds as if you have a strained relationship with the little fellows, and your MIL was hoping to help you improve it.
or maybe she just wanted your pouting away from the grownups' table.
who knows?
there's no way to tell if she hates you or if this is one more thing that lives only in your head, but you can fix it either way. start being helpful, friendly, pleasant, no-drama and easy to be around. grow a thicker skin. stop looking for things to be angry, jealous and offended over.
khairete
S.

You teach people how to treat you. Do you know what that means? It means that if they treat you badly and you don't say anything to correct them, then you can't complain.

If she tried to put me at the kids table I would have said, no, it's ok, I'll squish in with the adults. The very least I would have been in the same room as the adults, even if I had to stand at the counter to eat.

That's nice that you "pay the bills" at the house. If you guys can afford to pay all the bills at the house then it isn't unrealistic to think you guys could move out on your own into a small house or apartment.

If, like the other posters have said, that you are a problem to live with, then do some soul searching and see if there are some things you can change in yourself so you are more pleasant to be around. Good luck.

So your husband's children were there, and he was not? Maybe your mother-in-law felt the kids should have a parent with them since they might be missing their dad?

What does your husband do when she makes all those little rude comments over the past year? Does he stand up for you, or does he laugh with his mother and put you down? Can you give examples of the many things she says to put you down? It would help us a lot to know what she says and what sort of a pattern this is.

A lot depends on whether you are looking for a reason to be hurt, or whether she is a terrible mother-in-law who is rejecting you. And it depends on whether you have a good communicative relationship with your husband. If you and he are strong together, he can stand up for you and let his mother know that neither of you will tolerate condescension and cruelty. But based on this and your other post, it sounds like you don't really know how anyone else feels, and you create problems without knowing people's motivations.

Well she doesn't sound like she cares for you. Obviously.

So I can't imagine living with her and bringing a baby up in that environment. It's just going to get more stressful.

Your husband should be backing you up. Sounds like he's not.

As for sitting at the kid table, was she not grouping you together? It sounds like she put families together.

Paying bills - means you're paying rent essentially - money towards keeping the house going. It's still her house. It's not the mortgage.

If it were me, I'd talk to my husband and say this isn't working for you, you'd like to find your own place, you get he is concerned for his mother, but that's not your top concern at the moment - your family (you, him and new baby) is.

What does "she can't make it without him" mean? Sounds like she needs him to pay the bills. There are other options if this is the case. Is your husband willing to look for a way to support her in a way that would enable you to live separatly?

My son in law's mother lived in low income apartments. Her only income was Social Security. Because she had always worked in low paying jobs her SS payment was low.

You can call the cities department that is in charge of housing to ask what is available.

I suggest that you and your husband get counseling to help you work thus out.

I just read your other question. You are in a miserable situation. It doesn't sound like there is a whole lot of love in your home between anyone. I think you and your husband need your own place. You need a home to feel comfortable and welcome!

As others have mentioned, you're NOT in any way the owner of a home, unless your name is on the deed, or documents are drawn up to include your name on the house. Until that happens, no matter how much you pay, it's not your home. I think a bit of what Nervy Girl and birdsfreakmeout describe is what is happening here. This woman probably appreciates her privacy, is an older woman, and was finally looking forward to a life of independence and being an empty nester, but now her son comes back home, with his kids from a prior relationship, a new wife, and a baby on the way, to force them upon her and interrupt her peace and bliss, so now she feels she's not done raising kids and no longer entitled to the reward of a peaceful retirement and a quiet home.

Put yourself in her shoes. You have raised your son, and now that you want to live your life alone and quietly, all these kids are shoved back into your home, along with a new spouse and a child, and you're made to wait on them hand and foot and love them, no matter how they behave toward you. Wouldn't you be resentful? I know I would. You assume when your kids are grown up, married, and moved out, that they will build their own life, not return and be a burden, and obviously, you ARE dependent on her in some way (financially, child care, or both), or you two would never have agreed to this arrangement in the first place, so in some way, you ARE a burden to her -- whether it's having to do more housework because the kids don't clean up after themselves, or acting like a maid, doing your laundry, cooking for you, and cleaning for you, and without any appreciation shown for all she is doing.

It's one thing to temporarily move in, like say your husband loses his job, you're in the middle of finding a new place to live but your current lease is up, or you're having a dangerous pregnancy that requires monitoring and your husband must work, it's another to move in permanently, with no move-out date in sight, and then to act like you own the home and this woman must kiss the ground you walk on and be your personal maid because of some financial contributions. The fact you have this sense of entitlement about this woman's home makes it clear you don't respect her and feel that she owes you everything. You reap what you sow. If you want her to show kindness and appreciation toward you all, then be prepared to do that for her first. Thumbing your nose at the home's owner is not the way to do that. You talk to her, show affection, gratitude, concern, and do nice things for her to earn her love.

Think about it, you would probably be praying every night that your son and his spouse move out if she is constantly making claims that the house is hers and that without her and your son, you wouldn't be able to survive and rub in the fact that you need them to survive. Make an effort to help around the house and change your attitude towards this woman, and make sure her grandchildren do that as well. It's the least they can do, considering that is their grandmother and they are staying in her house, so they need to clean up after themselves.

Remember: she CAN kick you all out in a heartbeat, so think about that next time you want to get in her face about the bills you pay, because you may end up having to suck it up and find your own place to live. You have two options: show some humility and appreciation while keeping your mouth shut because you are dependent on her, or if you feel that you cannot do so, then talk to your husband about moving in with other people (how about your own mother?), or renting your own place because you are unhappy and uncomfortable in his mother's home and there is no other solution to this situation.

Do you have a cell phone? Record her talking badly to you as often as you can. Talk to your husband about it. Play the recordings for him. See if perhaps your husband still wants to live there.

It's not your house, too. You are living there and paying bills. It's not the same. If she doesn't like you, it's just going to worse after he baby comes. You and your husband need to go get another place to live.

Why not talk to her about it?

You need your own space that's not in her home.
Who was paying her bills before your husband started doing that?
She could very well be mad at you for taking her son away from her - and by having a baby with him - he's moving ahead with his new family and leaving her behind.

This is a complex situation - and if she really is dependent on your husband - you are going to have trouble until she passes away - I don't know how old she is or what her health is like but that could be a very long time.
I'd really think long and hard about raising a child in this situation.
If she can't support her home without help, then she needs to downsize to a place where she can support herself.

You, on the other hand, probably need a small space for you, Hubby and your growing family.
Your living arrangement is for financial convenience but it's gong to need to change.
You and Hubby need to plan out what direction your lives are going to take - and then make it happen.

can't say for sure.. with only one example
i don't see it as hating you. you may see it that way and if your looking for reasons to back up your theory then yes you would think she hates you.

She doesn't want her son to share himself with anyone.

Question. Why did his first marriage break up? I would find a way to get the real story. Mom might have done the same thing to her and then made up stories to make the other lady look bad. Seems like there's something there that might show you just how awful this woman is.

You have some options. Get a job and be out of the house all day. Only come home after eating out and enjoying some window shopping or hanging out with friends. She's not your responsibility. If she can't care for herself and can't afford to live on her own then she should qualify for a home health aid or personal care assistant. They can come in and fix her meals IF you're not there to do it for her. My point is you don't have to hang around all day waiting for her to belittle you and humiliate you. Get out and live and stay away from her.

No one makes an adult sit at the kids table. By the way, everyone, all the family should sit together if possible. We had a kids table when I was a kid and we hated being left out of the family meal. It wasn't fun and it wasn't nice. No one liked it.

If you can't put everyone around the table then move some furniture and borrow some 8' tables and folding chairs. Put everyone at the main table.