Does Anyone Know How to Help a Friend That Has Lost Her Son

Hello C.,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's son. I know that it can be very difficult, but we always have to remember that everything happens for a reason. A co-worker of mine lost her new grandson about a year ago. He was very sick with an abnormal condition, and he passed away after months of fighting. One thing that they did was make a picture memorial and some of his favorite things. There is also the option of using his memory to help other people, such as scholarships or giving some of his baby things to a family in need. She needs to take time to grieve, but as her friend, you must constantly remind her that he is in a better place. He is with our Father in heaven.

When I was in middle school, my best friend's baby brother passed away. He was born with a bacteria that turned into cancer. He passed away before he was 3. It was such a difficult time, but someone once told us that God sends little angels into our lives to open our hearts and our minds, so that we may accept Him into our lives. This little boy was an angel in disguise, as well as your friend's little boy.

Consider making a memorial for her. She will appreciate that!

Keep your head up and try to have a Merry Christmas.

God Bless,
B.

C.,

Gosh, that's rough. Part of me thinks that time, comfort, and support may be the best right now, and if she believes in God or a higher power, so to speak, that those things can be the best comfort... However, I do have one thought, but it may or may not be appropriate for your friend depending on her personality and given the fact of how "fresh" the grief is right now, but I'll put it out there for you and let you decide if it might be appropriate.

If I were in her shoes, I don't know that anything could be of comfort for a while... but if I am upset about a situation, I try to think of those that might be feeling something similiar and reach out to them. For instance, when I was feeling really depressed about my extended family being at odds on Thanksgiving and not going to get together for it, I looked for volunteer opportunities for those who would be more alone than I felt. Maybe, when the time is right, and if it would be right for her, she might volunteer some time at the children's hospital. I understand that you can volunteer time to rock babies or spend time with children that don't have parents, etc. Or maybe at an orphanage? Anyway, just a thought. It might not be appropriate for her or even for her yet, but I have sometimes found this type of response to things that are so troubling to be soothing and cathartic.

Blessings to your friend, and you for caring so much.

Hi, C.:

We lost our first son three days after he was born. I would suggest giving her a card with a simple message like "I am thinking of you and please know I am here for you". The best thing that anyone did for me was to say, "S., I know what happened and a don't know what to say. I'd like to give you a hug. Is that okay?" It was great. I found that most people just try to dance around the loss of a child, which is the worst thing anyone can do. I also like to receive cards on my son's birthday. My parents even named a star after him this year. There is also a national organization that helps grieving parents. Here's there web site: http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

Hope that helps.

S.

Mommy to
Ian 07/13/04 - 07/16/04
Carl 11/28/05

I have a close friend who lost her little girl at 8 months (medical complications from birth) almost 3 years ago. She has said that she just wants people to acknowledge that her daughter lived and to talk about her, not avoid her name. Just be there for your friend when she needs you and actually TELL her that anytime she wants to talk, you are there. It seems like people just assume that their friends will know they can talk to them, but I think most people feel like they don't want to burden people not going through the same thing - if that makes sense. I'm really sorry for you and your friend. I understand the pain you are going through as a friend and a mother.

My experience is not near as profound as your friends but....my friend and I were pregnant at the same time....I lost mine to miscarriage...soon after the birth of her son, we were both in church and she walked back and handed me her baby....I held him and silently cried the entire service but was immensely better after......give her time, she will never get completely over it but it will find a place....let her talk whenever she wants....my brother was killed some years ago and it nearly drove my mother nuts with the people that would not talk about him or said it is God's will or you can have another.....all very insensitive even though correct.....I lost two but went on to have two in my forties.....so, it is never too late.....you are a good friend to try to help her...
B.

Well first of all let me start by saying that all you can do is be their when she needs someone to talk to. I'm a 26yrs old mother, When I was 16yrs old I lost my first born after 10hrs of birth. It was the hardest thing a teenage girl can go through. I had a lot of support from family and friends, but the pain is still their after 10 yrs later. I always wanted to talk about him but when I did I would cry. I had a lot of people telling me not to cry that it would be ok. But that's not something you want to say to her. It's ok for her to cry and it's not ok cause she just lost her child. I really always just want for people to hear me out. I hated to be around of children, go to a mall and see baby stuff, it's really hurt. So I would do more like going to a movie, out to eat, I liked to do outings that didn't involved children. But always remember that prayer works too. I'll be praying for your friend..God Bless You Both...

Wow. How horrible. I'm so sorry for her loss. I've not been through this situation but I've had a friend(not as close as you 2) who has had several miscarriages. The biggest thing I would think as her best friend is to just be there for her in any way possible. Also maybe you two could light a candle or luminary in honor of her baby, just a thought.

Another is joining a support group. A lot of times this can help get people through the grieving process, or at least make it a little easier. It's good to relate to others who've been through the same experiences. And there's usually a counselor there to help guide the group. But if she goes, it needs to be when she is ready to go.

Also, one thing I've learned from talking with my friend, is to not take it personally if she lashes out at you. It would be perfectly natural for her to show some anger because your child is alive while she lost hers. I'm not trying to say this to upset anyone, but it can be a possibility. Just don't let it get you down, let it slide w/o comment, and know that she doesn't mean it. One of my friends has had 4 single miscarriages and one miscarriage of twins. She can say things sometimes about me having a child and her not, that are somewhat hurtful to me, but I just ignore them. I know she doesn't mean it to hurt me, she's just still (understandably) hurting herself.

Here's a few support groups I found with local chapters.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
Compassionate Friends
6300 NE Loop 820
North Richland Hills, TX 76180
###-###-####
The above location(NRH) is not listed on their website.

http://www.griefshare.org/
They have a location in Ft. Worth.

http://www.sharemidcitiestx.bigstep.com/
8433 Washita Way, Fort Worth, Texas, 76137, US
phone: ###-###-####

I hope this helps. Good luck and God bless all of you.

HI, I don't know if I can help or not but your message touched me. I have a 14 month old baby girl and I can't imagion what you both are going through. I don't want to offend you however I do need to ask if you or her has a faith? I have lost people that are so close to me and we almost lost our little girl before she was born...the only thing that gets me through is Praying to God and my faith in Jesus Christ. I do not want to preach but I just wanted to share what helps me through such horrible times. All you can do for her know is pray for her, with her and be there for her...whenever she needs you. Also..I believe as a Christian that EVERYTHING happens for a reason...That baby was too precious for this world and God neeed him in heaven for a greater purpose. She can have other baby's? That is what she has to realize...if other baby's are possible. AND that THIS TOO SHALE PASS...he will always be in your hearts and he is doing such great things up in Heaven now!!!! Also she will see him again some day in Heaven if she believes in God and has that faith in Jesus. I know how that may sound....but it's what I believe...and thought I would share.
God bless you both and you are BOTH in my prayers....

C.,
I just lost my daughter in April and I have a friend that lost her daughter in Novemeber. I completely agree with the other comments that you should never not talk about your friend's son. I guarantee there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't think about that little boy, so you don't ever have to be worried about "reminding her" or "catching her off-guard" by bringing up his name and talking about him. That has been one of the most helpful things to me to be able to talk about my little girl around other people. It is healing. Also, just ask her what she needs and be ready to provide it - even if it's just going to a movie together. The smallest things can be so helpful and healing. But she also just needs time to grieve in her own way. Grieving is a very personal experience and everyone goes through it differently at different speeds. I hope this is helpful - I will be praying for your friend as she goes through this Christmas season.
E.

A good friend of mine from high school started a group called MEND for mothers who endure neonatal death when she lost her son. They also have items on their website to help you out as well. www.mend.org ###-###-####

C., I just wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful friend and a wonderful person to care so much for your friend. She is so incredibly blessed to have you. And even though she may not realize in now in her grief, one day she will look back and consider herself so blessed for having you in her life. Just be there for her however she needs you to be right now, and keep the lines of communication open. There's a proverb that says, "he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed". The way you bless her life will return to you one day when you least expect it. What a sweet heart you have. I'm so sorry for your and your friend's loss. God bless you and keep you both this Christmas.

I have lost four children. The worst thing to do is act like the child didn't exist and to avoid talking about him. The best thing anyone ever told me is what I choose to still think of my lost children as.

God needed another angel to watch over those who have so much less. He allowed us to borrow one of his perfect ones for a bit so that we could know what our own guardian angels are like.

I still think that God needed my babies for guardians, maybe for someone who wouldn't have had a chance without them. One day, I'll see them again, In the meantime, I have the memories, no matter how short or few. I would have loved to have had more memories, but God needed them home.

Today, my oldest son would have been 22, the twin girls 21, and my youngest son 7. He let me keep my daughter who is almost 13.

Good luck in a difficult situation. She's lucky to have such a good and caring friend.

Hi, C.,

You've gotten some pretty good advice so far. The only thing I would add is to continue to let her know you are thinking of her, even if she's not able to be expressive at times.

When I lost my daughter I had a cousin who sent me cards randomly just to let me know I was in her thoughts. She never said a word about how I didn't write back or call her or anything. She just kept letting me know. It's been four years now and I am still thankful for her kind actions even when I was incapable of reciprocating in any manner, or even acknowledging.

Everyone grieves differently, so your job as friend is to let her. Don't take anything personally - some people go through some pretty weird stuff when working through these kinds of emotions, and it doesn't all happen right away, either. For me it came in waves, and I was blessed to have friends who didn't ignore or avoid me because of my pain, but they were also ready to laugh with me when I could.

They gave me a memorial engraved James Avery angel ornament for our tree and let me cry when I opened it. I love that ornament because every year when I put it on my tree it reminds me of my beautiful friends as much as it reminds me of my daughter.

You're a good friend for reaching out and for trying to do the best you can for your friend.

Have a good holiday,
K.

Hi C.,
I lost my son to the same thing. He was 10 months old and died from Sids on Valentines day. The hardest thing for me was that he was perfectly healthy and I struggled with that for a long time. The pain takes awhile to start to disipate. My next pregnancy was not for 6 years. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think about my son. If Your friend is in a position to start having more children that is what I recommend. It does not take away from the fact that the first child was born but the emptiness is only a million tons on your heart instead of 10 million. In my case when my second child was born we had heart monitors and he was on my chest 24/7. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET PEOPLE AVOID THE SUBJECT. HE EXISTED!!!!!! In my case friends and family did not want to talk about my son as though he never happened. My cousin and my best friend both had babies within 2 weeks of me. All of a sudden they didn't come around. They thought it would upset me or that I might kidnap their baby because of the tremendous grief. Other people didn't want to talk about my son because they didn't want to see me cry. Talk to her. She will let you know what she can handle on any given day. And the holidays.. THey will all be bad until some time passes. Hope this helps. Happy holidays to you both. D..