Do You Use Motivators ('Carrots') to Get Good Behaviors?

We do not use this strategy - we are a positive discipline family. The general thought is that externally devised rewards (and consequences - logical or otherwise) will prevent children from developing their own internal motivation. So rather than leading them to do things - 'because they are the right thing to do' they do it because they will get 5 m&m's or 10 stickers or to avoid getting punished. I personally see 'consequences' as the flip side of 'bribery' - they are really one and the same.

It is difficult to say how well this works based on a sample size of my one child. He is 5, is (IMO) generally well behaved, doesn't (never has) thrown tantrums and is very friendly and extroverted. Could be the discipline but it certainly could also be his personality. He was what people call an 'easy baby' - not colicky, ate well, slept well & smiled a lot.

I primarily objected to the behavioral approach to discipline initially because it really felt like treating a child like a dog, rather than helping him to understand what the right thing to do was.

my daughter was having problems in school with her behavior and i asked the teacher to send home a daily behavior report. green for good, yellow for ok, red for bad behavior. i took her to the dollar store and let her look at the toys there and she asked for a few toys and i told her that she had to be good at school to get that toy. If she brought home a green report she could have it. it took her a few days to get it and i took her back to the store on friday and bought it, let her pick out another toy and told her she needed two green days to get it, i worked up to five and she was able to do it a few times. but at the same time that she was able to do this she was learning how to behave at school, which i also told her other reasons why she should behave at school, the teachers work hard and it's important to learn at school it's easier to make friends if you have good behavior. and also, almost simultaneously she began to get sick of the cheap breakable toys, so she didn't want them anymore. but her behavior has stayed mostly green since then and that was over a year ago that we started this. when she has problems now i take her someplace better, like, build a bear and tell her she needs two weeks of green days to get it and she has to pay for it with money from her savings and that's all it takes really. i think my daughter just needed motivation to try it out, once she did it she realized that there were more rewards then just dollar store toys and decided good behavior was what SHE wanted for HERSELF.

Suggest strongly to your counselor that she read "Drive" by Daniel Pink. Really. She is out of date on the scientific research on motivation.

Motivators and rewards for children, and adults, lose their power very quickly. Then you have a person who will only do things for a specific stated reward. Intrinsic motivation, that motivation that comes from inside us, is the only sustainable type of motivation. That is what you are describing when you said "natural rewards". We do things because it makes us feel good, makes our parents happy, makes life go smoother for us, etc.

I occasionally resort to bribes to convince my daughter to do something, but know very well that if I did this often, it would not work. The satisfaction she gets from doing well in school, or otherwise, is obvious to me by looking at her expressions and hearing the pride in her voice. When she scored incredibly high on her latest tests, all I did was congratulate her profusely. I don't pay for grades, or tie allowance to chores, etc.

I do reward my daughter for achievements. For instance after working hard at a karate test to earn a new belt, I might let her chose where we get lunch and if her choice is the Malt Shop, I'm fine with splitting a yummy chocolate malt as a reward for her hard work! The problem only occurs when rewards are repeated and expected.

In regard to your first question: nope. I do not use motivators for behavior. A bribe of root beer for getting a shot? You betcha. But on a day to day basis, no 'carrots'.

Alfie Kohn has written a lot about the short-term/long term effects of incentives. In the short term, they do work fairly well. In the long term, not so much. The natural benefits are, in my opinion, the way to go.From my perspective, following directions, acting cooperatively and respecting others is somewhat the expectation, not the exception. When we see undesired behaviors, we correct them without punishment. Sometimes, this is "please go sit in the chair until you are ready to do X" (which gives them control of "when" or "how long") or "I need you to be in your room for a few minutes because I do not like how you are acting with me/talking to me" (making healthy boundaries) or "When you can talk to me in *this* (calm) voice, then you are welcome to come talk to me about this. Right now, I think we need to take a break." (teaching children self-regulation and self-assessment)

For me, the positives of not using motivators is that my son and I both have to find ways to deal with the underlying issues. If we have a hard time with something-- say, getting dressed-- and I tell him "If you get dressed quickly today, you can have X", I might get a few days of cooperation, but we really haven't addressed *why* he's having the 'getting dressed meltdown', which was the initial problem. So, I get a short-term fix but no real solution, and once he's bored with the prize, or finds that it isn't solving his problem, then the meltdowns would return. In this particular situation, once we figured out that he needed to deal with this challenge on his own (not sucking us in-- we were getting into a bad pattern of negative attention here) and earlier in the day, things became more pleasant.

If I instead just let the logical, natural consequences instruct, that helps so much more. There have been several times my son has said "I want to go to pizza" on a day when there was no way I was taking him out in public, and I told him so constructively. "You know, I have had a tough time because you have not wanted to follow directions or listen to me this afternoon. So I do not want to take you to a restaurant today. We'll try it another time." Once again, no bribe, just a statement of the obvious, and my open-minded suggestion that on another day, he'll be doing better.

I think, too, that when we get focused on sticks and carrots, we begin to get super-exacting and punitive about stuff that is relatively small potatoes. It also becomes a too-successful shortcut in disciplining, in my opinion. I know a few parents who do rely on this for 'everything', and what they end up rewarding children for is ridiculous. Not all 'rewarding' parents are this way, but I do see some parents who rely on punishments and rewards to change behaviors instead of, perhaps, embellishing their own 'parenting toolboxes' with new tools. Educating ourselves as parents and changing our parenting habits isn't always easy, but it's one of the most worthy challenges I have had the opportunity to take on. Sometimes, it's not just about changing our kids, it's about changing our selves.

Wow -- your questions are really great! Kudos for thinking this through. I would like to share my point of view, in hopes it will help.

Both my husband and I were rasied similar to your own experience. And my first child is like this -- she simply wants to please us and she makes her decisions based upon our reactions. 'Carrots' are pretty much never necessary. Parenting her has come very naturally to us. And we were completely able to stand our ground with our original "you never bribe a child!!!" parenting ideals.

Then, along came our son who does NOT respond in the same way. He does not seek our approval. In fact, he does not care too much about our dissapproval. This has been very, very difficult for us to deal with. Who knew that some children cannot be parented the same way as other children...let alone a silbing! We had NO IDEA that each child may have to be parented in a different way. That doesn't mean that your core values and ideals have to change -- but your parenting approach and methods must change. So it's not a matter of "is it positive or negative" to use this approach...it's a matter of "does this influence my child in the most effective and healthy way possible so we can establish a solid foundation of our parent-child relationship."

It's *so* important to realize that the wonderful parenting methods described by other posters do not work for all children at all ages. "Emotion Coaching" sounds awesome...but completley irrelevant to a young child on the autism spectrum or with other issues! I don't know where the "research" about motivating children comes from, but it sounds a bit ridiculous to me. I'll bet it would work on my daughter...but definitely not my son. Not all children respond the same way.

I understand how uncomfortable it is to learn to parent in a way that is not "natural" to you. But the 'carrots' (or other parenting methods) that may be required during the toddler or preschool years to influence behavior will not be necessary years later (so I'm told.) This is simply a means to a long-term, healthy relationship. If you need to use material motivators right now, don't let anyone judge you.

Best wishes!!!

I think bribing children to do things they should be doing anyway sends the wrong message. As parents, we should believe in our children enough to expect great things of them, and when we do, they will achieve. When they fail to achieve, we should sincerely appreciate their honest hard work, while reviewing with them why this hard work did not lead to success THIS time. We need to show disappointment and/or give consequences of appropriate severity when they have not worked hard. It is their JOB as children to be respectful of their parents, be helpful at home, and to work hard at school. Period. Under no circumstances should parents EVER beg/bribe children for this to happen. That implies that these behaviors are a choice, when in fact they're mandatory.

I have observed in my cousins' children that when children are continually bribed, children learn to expect to receive "things" in exchange for the basics - from brushing their teeth to putting their clothes in the hamper to doing their homework. When they get older, this leads to teens who are just plain lazy, and often disrespectful. And let's face it, being bribed to do the basics is NOT how the adult world works, so setting up this expectation in a child can possibly be disastrous for them as they move through life. Can you imagine being at your desk at work, and your boss comes up and tells you that he needs XYZ report by noon, and saying to him, "What do I get if I do it?" Umm, you get to keep your job, how about that?! LOL

That being said, you can and should celebrate major successes. For instance, although we do expect our children to get A's in school, we will go out to dinner to celebrate a straight-A report card - that's something worth celebrating! I should note that it's not simply the grades we celebrate but the hard work that it took to get to that point.

Best of luck; I hope it all works out for you!

If you're understanding her correctly, it sounds like what she's suggesting is actually bribery. Not a good strategy to either motivate or teach intrinsic, ethical behavior, and I agree with Sue W., completely out of line with current research on what motivates children.

When my daughter was little, and now that her son is little, we did/do occasionally use behavior charts to help establish a new good habit (or drop a bad one). But these required increasing compliance over a few weeks, with incentives coming less frequently over time, along with an increase in compliance.

One of the best motivators, in my own experience, is to catch the child doing something you want or like (with some children, you may have to really watch), and comment positively and appreciatively, without going overboard or praising excessively (kids will know that you're overdoing it, and not take it as sincere).

Kids almost always love getting positive attention, and most will try to do more of the "good stuff" if they know it will be noticed. With my grandson, we comment calmly on the littlest things, like when he remembers to ask for something politely, or works enthusiastically to do a job well. At 5, he is a remarkably polite, self-motivated and cooperative young man. And I used to tutor angry, at-risk kids in high school, and even they responded beautifully to this approach.

You can find a great deal online about motivating children by googling that term and other key phrases that will pop up. I have particularly loved what I've learned about "emotion coaching," and co-authors Bronson and Merriman have published one of the best books on the science of raising children in a long time, called Nurture Shock.

This is a GOOD article, on how not to/to talk to kids.
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Motivators are used with kids and adults. Even in the work place.
It serves a purpose. But it also can lead to desensitization. After a while, the same motivator, will not work.
Then it has to be changed up.

Thus, the article above for which I have the link, in the long run, is very enlightening... not just in terms of school work, BUT overall- per how to talk to kids and how not to, in order for themselves to GAIN.... self-reliance and doing things and how to "problem-solve." It is another way, to teach kids.

In my opinion- 'choosing' good behaviors.. is NOT only based on carrots. A child, needs to be taught.... the "skills" of: deductive reasoning, values, right/wrong, the value of doing something well for themselves not just for carrots, how to think, how to discern situations, how to problem-solve, how to 'work hard' for things they want/wish for, how to Participate in a family as a family member to "help" others, how to evaluate situations and things, etc.
These things...are NOT taught, by "carrots."
It is, life lessons for which the Parent, has to aide a child and teach them... like a rock collecting moss.
These are "skills"..... that are learned.

To me, carrots are rudimentary. And it can also 'teach' a child... that EVERYTHING they do, they have to get a 'reward.' Then it can get, gratuitous... or them having a sense of "entitlement."
Then, carrots, backfires.

As you can see, I myself do not go over-board with using 'carrots' on my kids. I hardly use that, tactic. My kids, are fine.

all the best,
Susan

You haven't mentioned the age of your child or the reason you've gotten to a place of working with a counselor, but yes, some kids need it. I worked at a residential home for children with behavorial problems for a number of years and it absolutely has affected my parenting technique. Yes, incentives can be a wonderful motivator - immediate reward for job well done, however, consequences should be just as immediate. I think earning up to something can be healthier. Like, 5 stickers for good choices = (tv. time, 15 extra minutes at bedtime, new water colors, chocolate milk with lunch, a tic tac - whatever you feel is appropriate!), but poor choices = loss of a "sticker". If you go for it - start small. simple choices = simple rewards - once the concept is there - raise the stakes - many positive choices = a slightly bigger reward. Eventually the goal would be for the child to feel empowered and rewarded for making the good choice and not for the reward. They won't get addicted to the "reward". (assuming this is otherwise, a normal functioning child. I can't assume that if this is a special needs child) Good luck.

From what I have learned you only have to start off using motivators. This positive reinforcement gets your child to have good behavior and over time you don't have to use the "carrot" any more because it has become more of a habit for your child. You taper off with the rewards till you are not using them anymore. I definitely have done this method with our son, but you are right it is hard. It takes planning. It has worked for our son. I have to pick a specific behavior and then we work on that. He may have relapses but he never went back to being as bad as he was before. He is a very different kind of kid than I was - he's extremely strong willed, can be defiant, very smart (a debater) and very emotional/sensitive. It's a weird mix! The negatives to this strategy is planning it all ahead and then remembering to reward the positives. It's more work for the parents. I followed the book The Kazdin Method for Parenting The Defiant Child. I was skeptical but it has really worked great for each behavior we have chosen to address. I think it's true that every child is very different and what works great for some kids does not work for other kids. For whatever reason this works much better for our son than traditional methods. Of course I don't remember to do this constantly and for everything. I wish I were so on top of things!

I don't really like this idea; it just seems too much like bribery to me. "Finish your homework and you'll get a candy bar." "If you clean your room you get some ice cream." Although I can see how it can be effective in certain situations. For example, I gave my daughter a sticker every time she went in the potty. She could stick them anywhere she wanted (within reason) and usually she ended up sticking them directly on the potty. The stickers themselves were the reward, and it worked for her. Of course, once she was potty-trained, the rewards were no longer necessary.

Though, if you think about it, I usually take things away if they don't do what they need to do...it could be seen as the same thing, just worded differently. If they don't clean their room, they cannot play video games. If they don't get their homework done, they can't watch a movie later. If they want to play video games/movies, then they have to do what they are told, and isn't this sort of the same thing? Hmm...something for me to think about...

I took a behavior management class at the University from Dr. John Maag. You can goggle him, he travels all over the country speaking at schools. He has that approach to provide reinforcement for behavior. Not only that, but he has a lot of knowledge about why we act how we act. He says that every behavior has a purpose. Dr. Maag says that reinforcement is always stronger than punishment. Also, by using reinforcers we are telling our kids what they can do rather than what they can't. You can always select naturally occurring reinforcements. Such as in a school setting many of the reinforcements are things such taking a note to the office, or helping your favorite teacher. The central goal of this different take on behavior management is to be PROactive rather than REactive about behaviors. Many times after a behavior has been practiced enough the child will get to a point where he/she no longer requires a reinforcement to perform the desired behavior.

Hope this helps! Good luck b/c behavior management is SO hard!!

What a great question and great responses so far. I have just started reading a book called "The Kazdin Method For Raising the Defiant Child". (Note that this method should work for all children, not just the "defiant" ones). It is all about using positive reinforcement to encourage desired behavior. I'm only on chapter 2 so I don't know it all yet but as I read this book I find myself asking alot of the same questions. How do I reward them for every act that's good? And won't they stop the desired behavior once they no longer get the rewards? So far I have read that the "reward" does not have to be material. It could be as simple as "I'm so proud of you for making your bed." It also says that the rewards are only a short term tool to changing behavior but once they develop the habit the rewards are not necessary. The logic behind it makes sense and he promises to give very clear instructions on how to implement this system in later chapters so I'm anxious to keep reading. I would check your local library to see if this book might answer some of the questions you have. It's also available on the Nook, which is what I did. Good luck. I know it's hard when a professional is telling you one thing but you always need to follow your gut and do what will work for you.

just wanted to suggest a book i read once Meyers' Briggs personality invetory "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths" by Janet Penley my library has it

http://www.motherstyles.com/authors.asp online if that's easier

I don't think all things work for all kids, and i think if your personality is different than your childs it can be hard to understand why he doesn't just want to do the right thing. this book and identifying the child's personality type might be very beneficial.

When what you're doing is not working, it's time to go back to basics. When our children are very little, we speak to them in terms of rewards and consequences.... sometimes we have to go back to that.

In our house if you choose the wrong behavior something gets taken away. If they start misbehaving I let them know what will happen if the behavior continues and most of the time it works. What gets taken away all depends on the kid and whatever is going on at the time.

the reward is a good technique.. it is used for behaviour modification in all all kinds of settings.. from the most cognitively impaired students to the extremely gifted.. it works..

the trick is finding the reward that works for the particular child.

I remember hurrying up to learn my math facts in 4th grade so I could get the reward of checking papers of kids who had not mastered the times tables.. that was one smart teacher we had.