Do You Think I May Be Overreacting?

Why don't you have many other options for childcare? I'd start looking NOW, so even if it takes some time to find someone, you will at least have another choice.
Is she doing it for free? If so, then I'm afraid you know the old saying you get what you pay for :(

Pamela:

Yes, i think you are over reacting. This W. was rude to you and your daughter and you are angry about that - as most people would be. I don't think she "allowed" Corrin to get sick. You could've brought something home from school, it could've happened ANYWHERE and right now it's easier for you to blame her because you are still angry with her and how she treated you and your daughter.

Let it go. You aren't helping anything or anyone. You have allowed this W. contact with your children....even though she treated you poorly in the past. Why you have done that is beyond me - but the reality is you are upset that your son is sick. It's easy to blame her. Take a deep breath. Corrin could've gotten sick ANYWHERE or from ANYONE.

I'm sorry Corrin is sick. It's always hard when our babies are sick.

Um, YES. Totally overreacting. You're somehow equating the rules she had when her child was a baby with the rules you have (or don't have) regarding your baby. Please give up the resentment you have about your five year old and her baby. It's over and done with.

And, honestly, kids get sick when other kids near them are sick. If if she limited the physical contact, your baby would probably have gotten sick anyway. It sounds like you really don't like this woman... why are you having someone you don't like watch your baby?

Yes, definitely. This woman didn't "allow" your child to get sick. Germs get passed around. This would happen anywhere.

But, since you don't seem to want to let this go, find another sitter.

You can't mix the resentment of the past into the present arrangement.

Kids get sick, it's impossible to avoid. Would you still be mad about it if she had not been finicky when her baby was tiny? If so, you need to not leave your children in the care of others because sickness WILL always happen. If not then it's about the other issue and you have to let it go or dismiss this lady as a friend and caregiver. I've got three kids, 5, 4 and 2, and One of us, if not ALL of us, is always sick. There are McDonald's play yards, gym daycare, sick friend's kids whatever.

She didn't let her baby be touched as an infant. That was her rule, not yours. You can't NOW think she should have enforced that rule on your behalf as well. People enforce their own boundaries, not everyone else's. Seems wrong, but it's typical.

Aren't germs airborne? My pediatrician always said you could get them from physical contact, or from the air, which is why he said a sick waiting room vs. a well waiting room was kind of pointless, even though he had them.

I guess it sounds to me like you're overreacting, probably in response to her reaction to your daughter. You don't even know for sure where you got these viruses.

In the future, I would ask her to let you know if she or her child is sick, and then I wouldn't take Corrin over there until they were well. Because you know this will happen again. Kids get sick a lot. Unfortunately, you know very well that kids can be spreading viruses without exhibiting symptoms. Perhaps she didn't even know her child was sick when she touched Corrin.

My first thought was, why are you having her watch your kid? Secondly, you know that in any daycare situation, your little one is bound to get sick. Some illnesses are airborne, so regardless of whether they were touching, your child would have gotten sick. It does sound like you're miffed because of your resentment toward her. I would find another option for childcare if you can't let it go.

Why are you having this woman watch your child? I'm confused. I would never want to work for or work with or hire someone that I can't have a real conversation with. I'm not just talking about language barrier. I'm talking about the attitude you both have towards each other. It sounds like a bad situation over all.

I think you are both wrong to act that way about the kids. Germs in the house will travel through the air, in and out of the heating system, and between adults and children. You did not get sick because her daughter touched your baby. You got sick because your families are together and breathing in the same air space.

We are most contagious BEFORE symptoms appear. No childcare will be able to prevent your baby from getting sick.

Of course it's possible you're overreacting, it's always possible. Very pissed seems rather strong to me, but perhaps that's still part of having young children and thinking you can control errant germs. Once they hit school, and every illness runs rampant from class to class, you get a lot more chill about trying to control their exposure. I'm not sure you know that their child was "knowingly" sick, and you don't know how close the contact actually was. I think it has a lot more to do with your feelings about her from 16 months ago, which you need to let go of. You didn't bring it up then, you can't bring it up now, you have to let it go. And now you guys have colds, and it's unfortunate and annoying, but what's done is done. Let the anger go.

You can, and should, have a conversation about how to handle it from here on it. Lay down ground rules and stick to them -- "when your child is sick, please let me know and I will make other childcare arrangements, and vice versa."

The woman is from another culture and they may have different feelings about infant contact. I know you know your child is wonderful and careful and loving, BUT that really doesn't matter. It was HER baby and she had every right to feel mama-bear protective. It's how we are naturally, and put that together with a different culture and you have potential discomfort. Some parents just AREN'T comfortable with older children around their infants. And some people just DON'T want non-family members holding their babies.

She watches your child; her daughter was sick and you assume that your son got sick from the daughter and then gave the germs to your infant. We are contagious sometimes before we know it. If the daughter was sick, the MOM could have been carrying the germs and your infant would have gotten sick. Germs do what germs do, so stop blaming the child.

If you don't get along with this woman, and you can't let go of the cultural differences, then you need to find a new childcare solution. Otherwise, you need to let this go.

It's time to let go of your anger with the past. Yes, you're over reacting because you are combining the energy from your past experience with what is happening now. The past is over. Have you considered that she may have an entirely different and more appropriate attitude now? which is a good thing. right?

Even if someone else were watching your baby, (s)he would get sick. Your anger is not at the current situation but at the past. Find a way to forgive and forget. You wanted your daughter to be able to touch her baby. Now you want her child to not touch your baby. Can you see how that makes no sense? She is doing what you wanted her to do long ago. She's moved on. Time for you to move on, too.

This is over reacting and it's also drama producing. Do you want drama to be a part of your life?

You are over reacting. Kids get sick whether or not other children touch them. But if you are so resentful for her behavior in the past, why have her watch your children?

Even if her child didn't touch yours (unlikely, with kids, because that's just kids), your kid could have gotten sick from something the older child or either adult brought home, the grocery cart, or just being in a house where someone was sick.

I would, however, find what other options you have (just look around, you might be surprised) if this continues to bother you.

I don't blame you-but the cold virus is contagious even before the symptoms begin. I'm not sure why you would have the lady that was so unkind to your child watch your child ???

Find another babysitter.

Because, obviously, there is a gap.... in how you all get along.
And, everyone seems to make excuses for the Wife.
But... the handling of a baby, is also cultural.
ie: Japanese culture for example, (maybe not in this generation) you do not take an infant out for 3 months nor have anyone handle baby.

Also, maybe that woman is a bit OVERLY protective of her own baby, because it is her first child. Not saying she is right. But she did markedly refrain from having you and your child, near her baby for a long time.

As far as your baby getting sick. Well, who knows how she cleans her home or even if they sneeze in their elbows at home or when around others. And she obviously does not have a sick policy etc. But a person can get sick... by just being in the same vicinity. Due to germs being in the air etc. It cannot always be controlled how/if/when a person gets sick.

The easiest thing to do, is to get a different babysitter.
Unless, this woman is free and that is why she is babysitting your baby?
Because it seems, that both of you do not like each other.
Even if your Husbands are friends.

Too much irritation with that woman and you/your family.
I would just opt to find another babysitter.
Also because, it is irritating and will probably get more irritating.
And this is your Husband's friend's Wife.

I think she was probably going through some anxiety due to not having her older child anymore.

I went through something similar when my friend lost her 5 week old grandson to RSV. I could not sleep or take my eyes off my grandson that was the same age in fear I would look over at him and he would be dead. It is traumatic on so many levels.

When another friend lost custody of her child to the dads grandmother she would be overly... diligent about all kinds of things that were not really grounded on any real fear. Just worrying incessantly about every little thing.

It sounds like she has grown as a person and she is a little better with boundaries. She is still growing and learning our culture.

In my opinion, you need to concentrate on school or you may find yourself not making the grades needed to complete your nursing degree. Find out if there is anyway your family can qualify for child care assistance. I had one family that made nearly $18 per hour between the hubby and wife and they got assistance for child care and only paid a couple of hundred dollars per month for 2 full day kids and one after school kid.

Most babysitters don't let you bring your child sick so it's not rude to ask her to do have the same respect for you and tell you if she or her child is sick. On the other hand who knows when they're getting sick but if they are sick she should let you know.
Seems to me it's just her view on infants and shouldn't offend you at all. It wasn't your child but her feelings on infants and being maybe too protective. I doubt it was directed at your daughter at all. You should just get past it but seems to me it would be best to find a good sitter who is not involved in such a close way to your husband, etc.
Children do get sick though and usually get over it fine so is it worth getting so upset over?

My question is, why would you let that pretentious beyotch care for your baby, in the first place? She doesn't sound like someone I'd want watching my
kids.

Why won't your DH say anything? If he won't then I wouldn't feel bad about saying something. You could say something like "You know, I think it's kind of comical how you wouldn't let anyone touch your baby for the first year of her life, but it's okay for you to let your sick baby put her germs all over mine. It's kind of hypocritical & ridiculous, don't you think?"

In all honestly, she doesn't sound like a very considerate person, she sound very self absorbed. Not someone I would be associated with.

I have someone in my family who wouldn't allow anyone even in their home after their kids were born for months. Not even the very closest family members. If someone wanted to take a gift, they had to leave it on the front porch. They were so absolutely afraid of germs of any kind.
That said, they felt it was perfectly fine for other people to allow their babies around other people if that's what they chose to do.

I don't know that you should hold on to your resentment of her behavior this long. Your daughter is likely over it. As for her child getting YOUR infant sick, it was bound to happen whether the child touched your baby or not. If someone in a household is sick, you should keep your kids home until it clears. I know it's not easy, but it's really the only attempt at prevention and even still, colds happen. They suck and are terribly inconvenient, but they happen. Colds swept through my office and we don't have physical contact with each other. We're careful to Lysol phones, counters, desk areas and we have to stay home if we are sick. We aren't given a choice. Even still, every single one of us caught it.

I don't think it's at all rude to say to your daycare provider that if someone is sick, you'd like to be made aware so you can find temporary alternate daycare. However, even that won't prevent all colds.

As an RN, you will be exposed to all kinds of things, and thereby your kids will be exposed to them.
I don't think that getting pissed off will necessarily help anything.

Just my opinion.

Just by what you've written, I do think you are overreacting a little bit. I have friends all along the germaphobe spectrum, and I don't take it personally if anyone doesn't want me or my kids to touch their babies. Perhaps she could have been more polite about it, but at the same 1) it sounds like you are offended about the no touching policy period and 2) she's from another culture - it can be very easy to take offense where none is meant when you don't share the same cultural mores. So I sort of think you need to let that resentment go.

As others have said, colds can be contagious even prior to symptoms appearing. So that could explain why she wouldn't want you or your daughter to touch her baby even if neither of you seemed sick. It also could explain why she may not have stopped her daughter from touching your baby, since you clearly do NOT have a no touching policy otherwise.

It sounds to me that the thing that is most angering you is a perceived double standard. Would you be this angry if your son had gotten sick by any other means? I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect her to equally apply a rule that she has for her family to yours if you have already shown that you don't care. It would be one thing if you had told her from the beginning that you didn't want her daughter to play with your infant, but you didn't. It sucks when your baby is sick, and it sucks to be sick yourself. But colds happen. They are a part of life, especially when you have kids in school or daycare.

Don't make a bad situation worse by being angry about it. I'm sure she didn't want your son to get sick. As his caregiver, it's only making her job more difficult if your baby is ill.

Yes you are overreacting. It sounds like you need to figure out a new sitter arrangement, since you are going to get pissed about pretty much anything she does now no matter how little. Let go of the old grudges, they weren't that big of a deal in the first place.

Well, if your husband won't say anything, I don't think it's out of line to tell her, yourself, that if she has a sick child or is sick yourself, that you understand, and that you would appreciate if she would allow you time to find alternate care...also tell her that if your baby is sick, you do not expect her to watch him on those days, as you don't want your child to pass it on to hers.

Yes, you are overreacting. Kids get colds - that is just the way it is. And for all you know the mom gave your daughter the cold, not her child.

Also - I did not allow children to touch my son when he was an infant. I expected the daycare workers to wash their hands between handling different infants (and watched that they did and dropped by occasionally). But I certainly wouldn't expect toddlers to have clean hands. While hand washing does not appear to decrease the spread of respiratory viruses in daycare centers significantly, it markedly decreases the spread of gastrointestinal viruses. And many viruses are spread before and after a person is obviously sick.

Now that he is older and less likely to get severely ill from a virus, not a problem.

My sister in law is like that. Our kids cant go near her kids when there sick and we should keep are kids in a locked room but when her kids are sick she still takes them to my mom house to have her babysit so she can go back home to sit and watch tv or go shopping. So when her kids are sick its always because of our kids but her kids never get our kids sick. Kids are going to get sick but if you can avoid them being in direct contact with other sick people that will help, so she shouldve kept them away from direct contact. People can disagree but me personally I ask family or friends who have sick kids to tell me so they dont give hugs or kisses to my son or myself and please cover mouths just as common courtesy. You have the right to be upset as long as your daughter was doing everything in good intentions and just playing as all kids would do the same she was acting normal and just being a big helper. That lady acted very wierd. I know some nationality and or religions have ways things need to be for kids but she should explain why she acted that way and what was her reasoning. If she was that unhappy she shouldve found someone else to watch her child. I would just tell her i would appreciate it if you wouldnt have sick kids have direct contact with mine. If shes nasty say you I respected your wishes with my daughter not touching or holding your child please respect my wishes and not have direct contact when kids are ill. Good luck hope you all feel better

Pamela, she's not being fair, but she doesn't care about that. She is very rigid. But, truthfully, you are rigid in your own way about other things. Neither of you see it about yourselves, and that's pretty normal. She will not change the way she acts because this is her way.

And yes, she gave Corrin the cold. But anyone who takes care of your child and has a cold is going to pass it on. If Corrin were in daycare, another child would pass it to him. It is what happens when sick people are around the baby, whether they are the daycare provider or not. A woman who had a cold held my son when he was a month old, washed her hands beforehand, didn't get her face near his, but boom, he got sick anyway. Stupid me - I just didn't "get" that it would happen with her holding him for only two minutes. Your son is with this woman and her daughter all day.

It is okay that you are pissed and resentful. She was ugly to you. (I was not angry at my friend btw - she was totally sweet, and it was MY fault for letting her hold him.) But what you should really be angry about is the fact that you put yourself into this situation by having her be Corrin's caregiver. You KNEW what she was about. The reasons you like her, because of her breastfeeding views and her similar views on childrearing, are not enough of a reason to use her to watch your child. She is a "do as I say and not as I do" kind of person. There are a lot of people in this world like that. And you chose to ignore it and use her because of expediency's sake.

The idea that you would have someone watch your child whom you can't speak with unless your husband translates, and he won't translate because his friendship with the husband means more than your baby, is just ludicrous. For heaven's sake, go find another situation. If you can't afford it, drop some expenses so that you CAN afford it. I can't imagine how much money you spend on cat food with all your cats. Find some of them some alternative homes. Drop the cable bill. Drop the landline. Do what you need to in order to get a child care provider who you can handle. You are the parent - not her, and your husband has no business refusing to give someone direction regarding your child.

Dawn

People have different views as to how to protect their children from germs and such. Be respectful of their requests and expect the same respect to your requests. The only reason you would have for being offended is if it was only your child that was told hands off while other children were allowed to touch and interact with the baby, otherwise it is just their parenting ways. Now regarding your baby getting the cold supposedly from their child, you made the choice of leaving your child in their care knowing that your child would be exposed to possible colds (it's a given in any situation where your child comes in contact with others.) Fever, vomiting, pink eye, those are the things that are inexcusable to exposing a baby to, colds on the other hand are going to happen (unless of course you go the route of a plastic bubble-yes, I am being silly there.) You need to find a way to let the anger go, it's not healthy and definitely not reasonable (just the mama bear instinct in you.) I can't imagine your daughter holds a grudge with this woman, follow her lead and let yours go too. You will feel better and be such a better person for it.

Personally I think that you are resenting her for how she chose to raise her child and that you have chose differently. It doesn't make either good or bad, it just makes it different. Everyone and every mom have different ways and fears in raising a child. We all need to respect the decisions of others as we would wants others to respect our decisions. If there is something that is important to you in regards to her watching your child, ask it of her, but don't expect her to know it. Good Luck.

Honestly, I would bring up hand washing, it seems that you are in a nursing program and I would make it seem work related that due to your line of schooling/work you need to do what you can to keep the house and it's members as free from sickness, viral or bacterial as possible. I would say that "sick happens" and we are all aware of that but if she is going to continue to care for yours you must ask that she respect your needs for frequent hand washing/common illness courtesy. You can approach this from a work/school based sharing of information and starting new practices perspective.

It's next to impossible to occupy the same general space as someone with a cold and not catch it. IMO, your reaction is overboard for a cold. Flu, chicken pox, etc. would piss me off. A cold is not something you can avoid if you plan on ever leaving your house or interacting with other people in the world.