Do You "Fix" School Issues for Your Kids?

First try to help her get organized. Then if she continues to forget things etc.
Let her suffer the consequences. All kids forget something sometime. To bail them out then is ok. However when it becomes a regular thing, they need to learn the hard way.

When it's a habit to "forget" homework, stuff, I tried to let consequences be the teacher. I said, sorry, maybe next time.

If it is a one time thing, I would rescue.

If the consequence rolls over to make other grades suffer, I would probably rescue.

Sometimes, I would remind them/warn them, ONLY because I LOVE you I am doing this.

She needs help getting organized. That's the main issue.
Fun Friday is kind of irrelevant. I'd let her go and be Ninja Mom. But I'd also put my foot down and REALLY enforce some organization.

Organization is a problem for lots of people, not just kids. I think it's totally fine to work WITH your daughter on building and strengthening this skill. You can help her by sitting down and making a daily checklist, filing system, whatever makes the most sense. Be there to remind her, did you check your folder, are you sure you have everything you need, etc. and let HER follow through and complete it. We can teach and guide our children without doing their work for them, or "fixing" their issues. Hopefully with time she will become more organized and thoughtful about remembering and completing her work (and Fun Friday sounds like a great motivator!)

Here's my take: fix it. It's a personality trait.
She is either one of those kids that is anal & on top of things or she's more creative & lackadaisical.
At this age/stage I would try to help her/teach her how to handle things, fix
things. School work is important. It's our job to teach, to ensure they
succeed etc.
Just keep in mind.......every person is different. They operate differently, learn differently, nobody fits into the perfect mold.
Just teach/guide her as best you an imparting the knowledge you have.
Provide a safe environment to learn/live & have somewhat of a safety net while they are young!!

You don't need to fix the specific incident with your daughter. You need to give her the tools to learn how to manage it herself. So, running around trying to get the work for her, rushing to school if she leaves her homework at home, etc, doesn't help. Help her develop a system that works for her.

Maybe she needs a checklist by the door or in her backpack with all the things she's supposed to bring to school in the morning. Maybe her teacher can help her create a similar list at school so she knows what to bring.

If you buy her a homework planner (here's an example: http://www.amazon.com/House-Doolittle-Non-Dated-Assignmen...) she can write down the assignment as the teacher gives it to her. Then, at the end of the day, she can check her book and gather the supplies she needs. Have her bring the planner home. In the morning, she can review the planner again and make sure she brings everything back to school If there are things she always does on the same day (for example, my son's library books are due back every Wednesday), then go through the planner as soon as you get it, and write BRING LIBRARY BOOKS at the top of every single Wednesday (or whatever day). That way, when she checks it on Wednesday morning, she'll see the note. The same can be done for permission slips, special projects, etc. If she has a long term project, help her break it into parts and schedule when she'll work on each part, leaving a couple of extra days at the end to put it all together, edit it, etc.

You can't expect her to figure it out on her own, but you can't keep doing it for her either. Teach her the skills now to become more organized and she will be a much better student in high school and college.

I would devote my time to helping her get organized, not fixing the issue by getting her work for her. Does she have a planner? She should be writing down her assignments and checking it to make sure she has everything. Our 4yh grade teachers actually have a rule that parents are NOT to bring forgotten assignments to school. This is the age where kids have to start taking responsibility for their actions. Some people say to help her because its a personality trait. Well, being disorganized is a bad personality trait, so focus on fixing it instead of becoming her crutch. All you'll do is teach her to rely on others to remember things that should be her responsibility.

Growing up, one of my best friends always seemed to forget something. We'd be walking to school and her mother would be chasing us down the street the whatever item my friend had forgotten that day - and it was always something. My other friend and I would pick up this friend last to give her more time to get herself together.

Fast forward 40 years. This friend always seems disorganized and is always forgetting things - her wallet, her handbag, her keys at work, etc. Except now there's nobody there to rescue her so she suffers the consequences. My mother never rescued me when I forgot something so I learned it was my responsibility to have everything I needed before I left the house. I'm still pretty good at this - most of the time at least.

I can count on a few fingers how many times my 14 year old DD has forgotten something at home. I have dropped off lunch for her maybe once in all these years and I did bring a report to school for her because I knew it was important. Other than that, she is responsible for her own stuff and always has been. I realize some kids are better at being organized that others so you might have to establish a routine that helps your little one remember everything she needs (a checklist?). I don't believe kids should be rescued that often.

First, let me commend you for recognizing how this could be helpful or hurtful by you always stepping in to save the day. Taking a step back and letting them figure it out on their own is very tough, especially if you are like me and very much a control freak who wants their child to succeed. I would say if she is unorganized, then you should still step in help her out. BUT, if it took you 20 minutes to get her work for her, she owes you 20 minutes of her time. Have some sort of consequence.

My son has ADD and sadly, is very unorganized! So, depending on what he may have forgotten or what he needs, I may or may not get it to him. If it's homework and he's already struggling in that class, I will take it to him. If it's his basketball shirt for practice, nope, he can run extra laps!

You know your daughter best, so as much as you can, I guess I would say, let her "fail" if you think she might learn from it. and help her to become organized. Give her tools to learn. It could take years to get there, but will be worth it in the long run.

Some kids will grow out of this while others won't.
At 9 most parents would help - it's different at 13 or 16 or 19.
9 isn't that old.
Up until the 4th grade our son forgot things and after that he's never had a problem.
Right now (he's 15) he's more organized than I am - his act is so together and mine is falling apart!
You help her get organized so she has a way to deal with it.
Otherwise she'll never have a fun Friday.
There has to be a hope of earning a reward otherwise they'll figure it's forever out of their grasp and give up on trying for it at all.

Sounds like your family needs a better system for her homework bag. Does she have an assignment book? Is it checked each day before she goes to bed at night? Are all things in the bag that she will need the next day. And then again the next day before she leaves the classroom is she checking to make sure she has not only the homework but the books / papers to do it? I would set up a parent teacher conference and see if it would work to have the teacher initial the assignment book each day saying yes those are the assignments and then it is up to her to get the stuff home. at 9 she is old enough. and probably missing a fun friday might drive that point home

I'm answering from the standpoint of one who - back in the days when she was a child and dinosaurs roamed the earth - was so disorganized that she literally forgot about everything, including big projects, and then she and her mother (bless her memory!) had to scramble to get everything done on time. I appreciated my mother's help! I wish my mama had taught me how to focus and organize for myself, but I don't believe she knew how to teach me that. I will say she did the best she knew how!

Does your daughter know how to organize and focus for herself? If she really doesn't know (and many other people besides me don't, no matter how easy it sounds), just letting her figure it out for herself is just like letting her drown and hoping she'll come out of it knowing how to swim.

That's when you step in, if you know how to help her, and guide her baby-step by baby-step. Don't give her a list of things she must do to be organized if she can't handle more than one or two jobs. Let her learn one step at a time. She won't have it worked out in a week or two, but maybe she'll be better and more responsible (and, incidentally, more confident) in, say, a couple of months.

On the other hand, is Daughter being careless? You might *ask* her!

Children seem to appreciate what's fair. So let her have input - don't decide for her. Let's assume she was ill but not seriously ill today. Ask, "Did your brain fall out this afternoon because you didn't feel good, or were you being careless?" She may answer, "Well, I really wasn't thinking about what I needed to bring home, so yes, I was being kinda careless." "Well then, what do you think ought to happen?" "I guess (big sigh) I should miss Fun Friday this time." "All right. I admire your integrity. How about we start working on how you can remember things, and then you'll be in on the next Fun Friday for sure?"

It's worth a try.

When you take over your daughter's mind and heart and manage things completely, that's real fixing, in the negative sense of the word. You're doing the job for her When daughter is just being careless or heedless and letting things slide (perhaps because she expects to be rescued by Mama?), then she needs to find out what happens when she has to take her own responsibility. There are also good places in between those two poles. Your mission is to find out where the right place is.

If she was picked up because she was puking or had a migraine, I would fix it for her. If she flaked, I would work to find a system that helps her stay organized. I feel her pain- organization is not my strong suit, and I have been known to forget things. Like today, I forgot that I didn't have a car at work until my husband called to see if I needed to be picked up. This is why I have a secretary, who is a benevolent goddess in my world. Actually, a major motivator for me to get a law degree was the prospect of a secretary who would remind me to put my shoes back on before I leave for a meeting.
It may well be that this is a personality trait that will follow her for her whole life, and if so she will benefit greatly from some coping techniques. The box next to the door where I hang my keys is essential to my not losing my keys, for example. Maybe get her a wall chart or bins just inside the door to set her assignments in, one In and one Out. Get her a day planner so she can write everything down...that's what got me through undergrad!

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart forget.

To me this means if a kid loses stuff enough they forget they have it and it's not an effective tool anymore.

I grounded my granddaughter almost a whole summer to inside the house, until she cleaned her room. Finally I realized she had just given up ever getting to go outside. She still hadn't cleaned her room either so the grounding was not an effective tool.

My point is this, if she keeps missing fun Friday's then eventually she's not going to expect to go so she won't even consider doing what she's supposed to do so she can go. It will just be something she doesn't think of getting to do and make it a goal to get there.

When you interfere with school stuff she starts realizing her teacher is nothing. Not her boss at school, not anyone to be respected, nothing. So let her have her consequences at school for her school actions. Keep your home life separate.

Fix it? No way, mom. Missing the fun is the natural consequence of her behavior. If you fix it you are teaching her that she does not need to change her behavior to get what she wants, she can be disorganized and forget her work and still get the reward. Is that what you want to teach her?

But that doesn't mean you can't do anything to help her. Devote your ninja skills to helping develop a system to help her stay organized, then this will hopefully not be an issue for the rest of her school career.

Since she wasn't feeling well, I probably would have helped her out as well. Maybe talk with her that you're going to help out this time because she came home ill. But if it happens again, the consequence will be that she may miss her fun Friday. Help her try to get organized with appropriate reminders.

It's so hard not to rescue because we want our kids to be happy. But in the long run, you may be helping her if you don't always come to her rescue. It may cause her to try harder tobe responsible if she has to experience the consequences of forgetting things.

I think balance is very important when it comes to trying to soothe tough times and also fix problems. First, you have to really look at the issue at hand and decider if this truly is a serious problem or just growing pains and childhood ridiculousness. I have a few rules of thumb for my household and believe me...my kids test me out frequently as I have four teenage girls ranging from 19 to 15. The oldest are twins. My rule is that if something comes up that is hurting my kids physically... It has got to go. If there are serious emotional consequences to my kids or any others....that also has to go. I will step in when physical or emotional harm of magnitude is present. Notice the word "magnitude". That means serious stuff, not the typical or usual drama that is petty or just ridiculous in nature. I don't tolerate bullying of any kind. I will fix that up in a heartbeat if I see that. However, things like petty spats with friends, any boyfriend nonsense, or typical childhood growing pains are left to the kid or kids that currently own them. I will advise when needed but I let them figure out the solutions themselves. I can't do everything for them or they learn nothing on their own. Sometimes things come at a stiff price too. That's how the world works and common sense and smarts have to kick in for us all. Nobody ever wants to see their child take a face-plant into the ground but if they have had good examples to learn from and solid advice on how to handle certain issues, then the rest is up to them....the good, the bad, and the ugly! Balance. It's the best way and the only way I feel we can parent responsibly and not smother our kids or prevent them from feeling all the things they will experience out in the cold and cruel world. Don't wait until they leave home to give them their own wings because the problems really become concerning when these kids can't or don't know how to fly!

Organization is a skill that needs to be taught. It doesn't magically happen at a certain age. The younger you start to teach, the easier it will be.

It takes time to establish the routines too, so it won't happen by Friday. Everyone forgets sometimes, but using "I forgot" on a regular basis is not a legitimate excuse. Getting her work for her this week so she can attend Fun Friday isn't going to fix anything.

Does she use a planner? Have a take-home folder? Talk with her teacher about what kind of system will work best, both now and as she gets older.

It depends on the kid. Some kids just don't have the know how to be organized...they may also have disorganized thoughts which leads to learning problems. I think you can help them by giving them check lists etc. so they have visual cues.

Other kids are just lax...when they want to remember things, they do. If that's the case, then consequences may be effective because they have the underlying ability.

Instead of "fixing" it work with her to develop a schedule or process that works for her. And yes it's ok to ask "did you remember you work" on the way out the door. Stick a little note in her bag that says "do you have everything you need?" for when she's coming home. It won't take too long to develop something together. It'll help her in the long run too.

Okay:
"Fixing" school problems or not is one thing.
But to me, what your daughter NEEDS is help with "organization."
You see, kids and many adults, do not even know how to organize, themselves. It is not taught in school to students. It is not a trait that is inherent or intrinsic. And MANY MANY kids just do not know how... to "organize" themselves. And right, this happens in 4th grade on, per your post.
It is developmental, issues. And skill acquisition.
AND if it were me... I WOULD TEACH my daughter how... to "organize" herself. I am not "fixing" her... but ADDING to her skill-set.
Knowing the material is DIFFERENT from knowing how to... organize themselves. Some ADULTS cannot even organize their own office or employees. A 4th grader, needs to LEARN how to organize themselves.

For me, I see it as not something to punish my kid over. I see it as... MY cue that MY kids needs to have more of a skill-set... for learning how to organize herself. Because, punishing her over it, is not going to suddenly give her ALL the best organization SKILLS in the world. Even the best Executives in the world, are always adding, to their skill-set. And, organization is, one part of that skill-set.

I even had a retired Teacher tell me once... that one of the most irking things about teaching was... was that, parents expect their kids to be smart and get good grades etc. But at no time, do they address... HOW to do it themselves, as a parent. And she said, Teachers do not have time nor do they teach a kid, HOW TO organize or PLAN their time spent or their organization of their work.
That is a parent's job.

When it comes to kids and organization, they do need a lot of support.

With my son, that support comes in the form of an after school 'checklist' that he follows, so he's sure to hand his folder to me. He's only in grade1; when he's older, I will make sure that he has a notebook/folders for the different subjects/homework and that we'll check it every afternoon. Also make post-it notes to put in the notebook for the next day to remind "need instructions for project" or "get math homework from tuesday". At that point, though, it's up to them to use the system.... or not.

I think the best way to 'fix' things at school is to give the child the most potential for being responsible for solving the problem, whenever possible, and to create a structure for this. My son has challenges with focusing and using his work time well, and the teacher makes sure that I know when he has work to finish at home. When he complained that another kid at his table wasn't being nice and was distracting him, I suggested that he could ignore the kid or, since his teacher allows kids to move to a quieter place to work, that he could make the choice to move. I try to help him be responsible for his own actions and to make sure that *he* knows that we can't put all the blame for something on someone else-- we have our own part to play in what goes on.

I did do a small fix last week when he was placed next to another child with whom he's gotten into unusual mischief in the past. When his teacher said he'd had a hard time listening and had gotten none of his school work for the day done, we did it that night-- but I also emailed her and suggested that for the sake of BOTH kids, my son should be moved. I did not tell my son about that part. I didn't want him to think it was the other kid's fault. :)

Your "fix" isn't helping her get the work handed in... it's teaching her to be organized so that she doesn't reach this point. Trust me on this. I've been working on this with my 13 year old since kindergarten. Organization doesn't come naturally with her at all. It's a major struggle. In her case it's a major, major part of her ADHD. Now that we're aware of that it gives me a little more patience and some new tactics in my attempts to help her.

And when she doesn't use the methods her teachers and I teach her, and she fails to hand things in or complete tasks? She gets natural consequences that she hates so much that she makes the effort herself not to repeat that mistake.

Better she start learning the lessons now. Good job Mom!

It is okay to help your kids fix things. Anything more is handicapping them.