For seven years, my husband and I lived in a fairly small apartment, and I swear that our number one argument was always about who was adding most to the clutter and who got to store what where. When we were pregnant with number two we finally bought a house and we just moved in. It has almost triple the square footage, but it seems this argument is never going away. My husband has a ton of clothes, including custom suits, and he monopolized an entire (small) room in our old place. Here we have two smallish walk in closets in the master, and I told him I was completely okay with also storing his clothes in the guest room and the playroom closets. But he needed more space, so he bought ikea floor to ceiling closets and shoe racks and took over a wall of the master. It looks terrible, but I was okay with it. Then without telling me he also bought a three foot wide floor to ceiling closet for his clothes and installed it in our son's room. I was really looking forward to going crazy with my outer space themed bedroom, and the room is tiny enough as it is. Now there's barely any room. It's bad enough that he basically already decorated and furnished the entire house because he says his interior decorating skills are better. I suggested that he keep out of season clothes in our storage unit, but he keeps claiming that the atmosphere isn't optimal there, which I don't understand because its climate controlled. We also used to fight about the cases of wine he kept in a closet in the apartment. There is actually a very crude wine cellar in the house, which I thought would solve our problems, but now he is claiming that its not properly sealed, so he intends to buy two large wine caves (refrigerators for wine) and keep them in the family room. I am so angry, and we are having the same old fights. Should I just let this go? We wouldn't even have this house if he didn't work so hard, and I appreciate that, but I feel like not only does nothing in the decor reflect me as an individual, he is also taking room away from our kids.
I should just add that he is definitely not a hoarder. He is better at throwing stuff out than me. He just has a lot of very expensive, mostly custom made clothes that he treats like precious possessions. You should see him get worked up about moths. I don't expect him to get rid of the clothes, I just wish he would be willing to put some in storage or shove them in a bin like I do with mine. I just need to get over the kids bedroom closet. I am really stuck on that, but even when I bring it up calmly he gets really upset. What's done is done; the darn thing is already anchored to the wall. As for his tastes being girly... He is a self proclaimed metrosexual. What can I say? At least he knows how to rock a vintage fedora.
I got frustrated with his clutter. I just explained that he was pushing me outside my comfort zone but since I love and respect him I won't move his stuff.
He spent a day organizing.
No, not really.
But I hate excess.
So I'm constantly paring down stuff: clothes, gadgets, paperwork, books, etc. it's almost a FT job. :)
Honestly, does anyone "need" that many clothes?
Most grown women I know don't own multiple closets full of clothes, and even if they did, I doubt anyone would actually wear that many!
No, your children deserve to have their space. If you are really comfortable with him taking over your life and your space then that's one thing. But when it comes to your home outside of your bedroom he's wrong.
Obviously he has an obsession with clothes. He is out of control and needs to see someone. He has way too many clothes.
Two smallish walk-in closets, guest room and playroom closets, plus TWO floor-to-ceiling closets in TWO rooms? For his clothes and accessories? Really? Am sorry, but exactly what is your hubby's line of work?
And he'll have his way because his designer skills are better than yours?
If I were you, I'd have put my step down very firmly (but gently) yesterday. A home is a home for both of you. It is either both your needs and ideas together, or none at all. The fact that he is the working person and you are a SAHM doesn't make his ideas and requirements any much more deserving than yours by default. I'd not be so accommodating as you.
No, we don't argue about who keeps what where. DH has his own armoire and closet and I have a built in and closet. Nobody stores clothing in another person's room.
In your case, it sounds to me like he has too many clothes and needs to pare down as he's invading everyone else's space. If he doesn't want to store out of season clothing in a climate controlled storage unit, then will he use space bags or similar to limit his storage? As children grow, so do their needs and they will become increasingly resentful of Dad's use of their space.
What I think is going on is not stuff per se. It's where he keeps it, what he thinks he needs, and how he views the rest of the family (sounds like he feels all the space is his first and everyone else needs to work around him). He has a family now. He needs to man up and stop the space invasion.
You might consider an organizational expert. A third party who can point out the safety issues of having a wine cellar where children play, and the unfairness of taking over the kids' rooms. Someone who can offer suggestions about storage and paring down.
If that doesn't work, you and he may need counseling to get to the bottom of this behavior. Why does he get the final say on everything? And is he controlling about the environment only or in other ways, too?
You don't need to be on TV to have hoarding problems. Some people have huge collections of dolls or "collectibles". Anything that you collect in excess, IMO, is a hoard.
Anchored to the wall or not, it can be removed - or used for the kid instead.
Basically he's full of excuses on why he is the most important person in his world. He's not giving his family space, his wife respect, and chooses to put his own wants before his children. It's very selfish behavior from a father and husband.
The metrosexual response below has me thinking. I hope you are, too. This narcissistic behavior doesn't impact any other aspect of your life? Hard to believe. I'd find out more about narcissism and observe other parts of your lives. If he fits the description, I'd go talk to a professional. You've got kids in the mix. They are not the most stable people for a relationship, fedora or not.
I am chiming in late, after your SWH, but yeah, I agree there is some kind of disorder going on here, mentally. Narsasistic behavior disguising its self as "metrosexual". What you are basically saying is, no matter what you live in or how big it is, your H is not happy till he has invaded every space and established his dominance over every part of it. Narsasistic people have quite a few hoarding tendencies.
I should know, my mil is a hoarder. She was always a clean hoarder but a hoarder, none the less. Her stuff had to be overflowing the house. It still does. She has rejected people to take care of her and places to stay because she HAS to have her stuff. There is no talking to her. That's my best signal of a mentally ill person, they are unreasonable.
You need a bank acct of your own. A marriage counselor, now. You seem like a reasonable person. In your heart of hearts, you know this is wrong. I am sorry to say, there is little hope of it getting better.
No, we don't fight about this kind of stuff.
No offense but your husband sounds like a girl! All those clothes AND claiming he has better 'decorating sense' than you...Ha!
The only part that I would not let go, is the part about him taking up space in the kid's room, that has gone too far! If he needs to take away space from a child, it might be time for him to purge some stuff for goodness sakes!
1) Yes, my husband and I have had these kinds of struggles, though usually over his refusal to get rid of anything he owned before I came along - not new purcha$e$. Dang - that it's all new is like a double dose of selfish.
2) No, you should not let it go. Our issue was supposed to go away when we bought a house as well. Sadly, no. When my husband began trying to make decisions for my kids that they had every right to participate in, I raised holy hell. And it worked.
3) This is absolutely about power and control, but your husband may have issues contributing to it. I don't know...in my house, it seems to be ADHD (which a son also has, and my husband now thinks he does) and after a decade, I honestly think my husband is "on the spectrum."
I HATE not getting to decorate our home. My husband's taste is not better than mine, though he used to try snottily to say so - but he claimed I liked girly things, which I pointed out must have been some other wife. He LOVED my place when we were dating. His place was just random - and now our home is too - he's all about piles and stacking and lining things up against the wall. I am FINALLY getting to participate but it took a LONG time and a LOT of me refusing to back down. And God Lord, It took a lot of arguments.
But you know, he never fought with me as much when I pushed back about our sons. I think he knows THAT its the line where I will not ask myself "should I roll with this?", because...no....
...I won't presume your husband's intentions, but his behavior is jerk-y.
ETA: You need to get over him monopolizing your child's space because your husband gets upset when you bring it up? Oh, honey...no, no you don't.
I grew up in a house where my mother decided where practically everything went and how it was decorated, but I don't have that luxury either. DH and I never fight about it, but we do have a few tense discussions about what's "fair" and who is entitled to which space. DH doesn't like "feminine" touches much, so we compromise a lot.
Feeling badly for you that your dh said his decorating skills are better. I totally get how that makes you feel. :( It sounds so condescending. Hope you can find a balance somehow, though I don't have much useful advice. Find a few "happy" moments where you can ask to have more input. After all, it is your house too. Good luck.
I know all of this seems very important to you. He does seem to have an obsession with his clothing. I guess he does not have a real hobby? What exactly does he do for a living and in his spare time? I suggest some volunteering and charity work.. He needs to start putting his energy into others, rather than himself.
But in reality , this is a First World problem. So decide..
What do you want, what do YOU need from him?
Then do it yourself.
He does not seem to wait for your permission, so I would not hesitate to move that storage thing out of my sons room and decorate it the way I wanted.
Your son deserves to have the room of his dreams.. Why should dads clothing be in there? It seems very unusual.
What is really going on here with your husband?
hmm my hubs has very specific ideas about paint colors and does fight me on decorating and I also struggle because i am not very strong and confident in my decorating skills. so our house looks like plain poo, but he isn't as disrespectful as your ... no sure if you were married... hubs?
I'm also wondering if race plays any part in this, do certain ethnic groups place more emphasis on clothing?
not that what he is doing is ok. did you ever communicate with him about your space theme?
I don't know how to manipulate people when they disagree with me, I"m not really seeing a compromise for you, you've already bent so much. ideal would be you all get just the closets you get, no added ones. minimum it gets removed from kids room.
If you have a guest room is that completely full? why would he not totally take that over before he moved to the kids room. did I miss something?
i sympathize, because i'm sure each of his little decisions seem reasonable until you all them all up and have no house.
Hmmmm...this sounds more like a power and control thing as he is just doing as he pleases without consulting the other half--insert you here.
Since this is a cyclical argument, have you considered just sitting down in a neutral environment like date night and talking about it? Heck, maybe even write him a letter and put it in one of his contraptions.
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I do know what's like to have cyclical, unresolved arguments, not related to home domination but other stuff.
But in terms of home domination, I confess that I am the clutter bug. Guilty as charged.
I suggest you find a different way of talking about this. If you haven't been using I statements, telling him how you're feeling and making the suggestion that the two of you find a way to compromise, I'd start with that. Be careful to not blame or accuse him of anything. Sympathize with his need for more space while telling him you need some of that space for yourself.
You could also try non-violent communication. Here are two web sites. The first tells you what it is an the second shows you how to use it.
http://www.cnvc.org/ http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
Yep, once in a while. It sounds like your hubby is a white collar worker too. I think white collar guys are very different from blue collar guys. Been through a lot. I even had trouble with my mother-in-law storing her clothes in our son's bedroom. I really didn't care too much in our old house, because it was smaller. It had a lot of storeage areas, but not a lot of space. Our new house has a lot of space, but limited storage so I create storage. What I did with our new house is to give 1 room to my DH. Let him fight with his mom about it. She has a bigger bedroom now to put all her stuff in her room. I made a rule, that everyone has to keep their own clothing and things in their own bedroom. In your case, I'd give the guest room to your hubby and close your eyes. It just makes life easier. This way if he tries to put his clothes in the kid's room, you can tell him he already has his own room. That's what I do to my hubby. If he puts his dental floss and lip balm in my living room, I remove it and put it any where I feel like in his living room. If MIL complains, I just tell her it's his room so I don't care what it looks like. We really don't get much company, so I can just shut the door if I have to. If hubby has questions it, I tell him he has his room and I have mine. Ends all arguements. I will admit we did have a major arguement over what furniture to put in his living room, because I knew what would happen. He wanted leather and I hate leather. Leather is cold. I finally came to the realization that is HIS living room, so I have no say. He picked out the largest poop brown leather living room set ever, which was the first leather set he saw. My son and I argued with him to look around at the other leather furniture first, before buying it. Thinking he could find something smaller. Nope, he threw a tempertantrum in the store, raving about how he always dreamed of having leather furniture when he was a child and I have no say in the matter. Guess what? The leather furniture did fit in the room, but had to take back the coffie table his mom picked out due to the size of the leather furniture. Ok, I'll admit it doesn't look bad and the shoe smell went away; but I still hate that furniture. (When it arrived, the smell was overwhelming since it was new....It smelled like a leather shoe department/tannery.) The problem is, no one uses it because it's too cold. Everyone's in my living room sitting on my futon, that I had to fight for and purchase by myself. Now, my MIL and DH admit to making a big mistake in picking out the leather furniture and wasted $2,000. Now, I have a rather nice bargaining chip so he's afraid to argue with me. :)
Your hubby is selfish. I would take that contraption out of your son's room and do the room the way you wanted it. Your son is growing; before you know it, he will outgrow the room, with or without dad's clothes in there. And dad will micromanage everything that goes on in that room because his precious clothes are in there leaving your son NOTHING and NOWHERE to call his own. That is something you will BOTH live to regret.
we do not fight about stuff like that. My husband's closet is about the size (actually even smaller) than the hall closet next to the door to the basement (VERY small). He has all of his clothes in it and doesn't even use any of my closet at all. He does put his out of season stuff away in a storage container though. We all only have 3 pairs of shoes which includes tennis shoes, sandals and dressy shoes. That's it. There is no need for more than that. My husband can not decorate even if he tried, lol! I am the decorator in our house. We are renting right now and so I am limited on what I can do, but once we own a home, I will get to decorate it how I want it. My husband doesn't really care what it looks like and he knows I can do a really good job with it.
I really can't believe your husband has THAT many clothes! It sounds like he has more than me, lol. I would be very upset about him using up kids space, and your bedroom space. He needs to tone it down with his stuff.
