My husband and I have been harboring anger and hurt from my sister and mother for several years. It's quite a long story but the short version goes like this-5 years ago, I announced that I was pregnant with my first child (and the first grandchild on both sides of the family). One of the first things out of my mom's mouth was "Are you going back to work? Who's going to watch the baby?". When I asked if she was volunteering, her response was that she wanted to be a grammy and not a nanny. So we hired a nanny and made other child care arrangements. Flash forward seven months when my older sister gave birth to her first child...and suddenly my mom became the primary caregiver! Here we were paying a fortune for a nanny (who we loved!) but my sister suddenly has free, family daycare (and she is married). Every time I needed my mom...she always had to check in with my sister to see what her needs were. It was infuriating!
Two and a half years later, I gave birth to my second child. My mom was still caring for my niece daily and we had no choice but to put both our kids in daycare-the baby was only 10 weeks old.
At that point, I had had it. I suffered through post-partum depression with both pregnancies and never even felt like I could talk to my mom or sister. When I did reach out, or my mom was going to help when my second was an infant, she was always late and even forgot a few times. I distanced myself from both for a while and then finally worked up the courage to confront. They said that things would be different...HA!
Now, my sister has also had a second child. My mom is still the nanny for this one. Her daughter does finally go to a preschool a few days a week but her younger one is with my mom. As always, if I ever ask for help, she has to check my sister's schedule. Last summer, I had to confront them again. Now, the same stuff is still going on. Whenever we try and do something all together, my mom hovers over my sister's kids as if she is their mother. She follows my sister around like a lap dog seeking her next command. My sister, in turn, kisses my mom's butt and acts like her keeper. My husband was about to explode on them both at a family weekend last week and I have had it too.
My kids hurt because their cousins get so much more attention. I hurt because it's totally lopsided. So...my long awaited question is...do I bother to say something again??? It seems as if my other attempts have just fallen on deaf ears. Is it worth wasting my breath or should I just distance us again?
Thanks:-)
I am overwhelmed by the number of responses and wanted to thank all of you for your feedback. Almost every one of you just told me what I already knew....forget the drama, and move forward. It was so refreshing to hear this from most people and to know that others have dealt with similar situations. It is hurtful and I know I need to just move forward in a positive way. I really liked the one response that said "it's nice up here on the high road".
A few had questions about whether my mom might see my sister as disadvantaged in some way and we have thought about that. Her husband has a good job and supports her family very comfortably but he isn't helping with the kids the way my husband does.
Also, I just want to make clear that I don't expect free childcare (or even want it). I am not upset about having to pay for daycare in the least...our kids are so happy and well adjusted and we have had wonderful experience in both in-home care and daycare environments. My issue here is how lopsided the time and attention are when it comes to my kids versus my sister's kids and how that impacts and hurts my kids. I didn't want my mom to be our childcare provider if that wasn't what she wanted- it's just that she said she didn't want to be a caregiver until my sister had her kids.
For the most part, all of you were so understanding and really inspired me to make the choice that's best for my family. I don't want to cut them out completely but distance is definitely best and we will all gain a valuable lesson.
Thanks so much!!!
When people show you who they are, believe them. I am really big on accepting reality. The sooner you do this, the better you will feel. We can't control others, but we can control how we let them affect us.
I think you've expressed your voice enough. I think you just have to accept that things are the way they are and move on.
I have some family members similar to this. Its hard not to hold resentment...but in the end there is just nothing you can do but live your life. Sure your kids will notice and feel a little left out but sometimes life isn't fair and they have to learn that too.
Good luck!
Sounds like your mom and sister are just not that into you and your family.
Sad - but it's their loss.
You've tried, and tried, and tried again.
It's not working.
Distance yourself and family from your Mom and sister's family.
Why they are having a love fest - who knows? who cares?
If I have to kiss anyone's butt in order for them to barely tolerate me, the price of their approval is too high.
Just put them on your Christmas card and birthday card list and other than sending cards a few times per year, do NOT seek them out to socialize with.
Let them come to you - and even then, don't always be available - turn them down on occasion - be too busy with your own activities.
They already don't care what you think - so who cares what they think?
Life is too short to hang out with people who treat you badly regardless whether they are family or not.
Stop expecting anything from either of them.
They are codependent and enmeshed in each others lives. There is nothing you can do or say that is going to change that arrangement for them until they decide it's not working for them. Who knows how unhealthy they get before that happens, if it ever does?
Here's what you can do:
Forgive and let go. It doesn't mean you have to spend time with them, or even like them. Just forgive your mom for the fact that she has wacky priorities and is so codependent with your sister.
Forgive your sister for getting what you wanted- your mom's help and attention.
Here's the thing with holding onto that anger-- it only hurts YOU.
There's a bumper sticker that reads :Forgiveness: Giving up all hope of having a better past.
I say this from experience: forgiveness is liberating. Deciding that while you are sure there are wrongs you have suffered-- the fact of the matter is, you cannot fix the fact that your expectations weren't met and that you were hurt. The more you want it to be different, the more you invest your thoughts in wishing it had been 'right', the more you rob yourself of peace in the present.
Accept that *this is who they are. They may never, ever change.* Accept that your mom wasn't capable of being the person you wanted her to be. Accept that your sister really got the awesome end of the child care deal.
Accept it, and then stop wanting it any more. As I've said, believe me, I've been there. I've seen siblings get it much nicer than I have in some situations. I've seen siblings bailed out repeatedly from problems of their own making. Over the years, I've lowered my expectations regarding those members of my family to nil. I accept who they are, that they don't have much to offer me, and that is how it is. You know what? I'm a lot happier for it. They do their thing, I do mine. (I know that sometimes, my other sibs really have more than they can handle. Why should I be jealous of that?) My son has to deal with the same lack of attention, but you know what? He is learning that the world isn't fair and people are how they are, and while it's a hard lesson, it is a life lesson-- people choose what they choose. Ultimately, just as it's not about my son or not about ME with my family, this really isn't about you or your kids.
That's what you have to teach them, gently. When they say "it's not fair", you give them a squeeze and say "yes, it's too bad that they don't get to have as much fun with you as I do. And I'm going to hog you up right now!" and then go do something fun with your kids. They'll take their cues from you. There are plenty of things to be mad and sad about in the world, but if you don't hold onto that, they will eventually learn that "Grandma and Auntie are just that way" and won't hold onto expectations, which, in this situation, are unreasonable ones. Help your kids move along, let them know that you and your husband think they are awesome and love them up. Keep your distance and do what makes you happy. Your sis and mom certainly seem to feel comfortable doing that, too, so give yourself permission to forgive, drop any expectations and just move on!
I'm sorry - your side of the family appears to be a tad dysfunctional.
STOP. Stop harboring anger and hurt - it's ONLY HURTING YOU - not them.
Look at it this way - your mom KNOWS you can handle your kids - she KNOWS your sister CANNOT...so she needs to be there for her.
What would I do if this were MY situation? I would stop all communication and contact with my family. PERIOD. I would live my life MY WAY and stop being jealous and hurt over what my mother does for my sister. Or look it like I stated earlier.
Your kids deserve better. However, they do NOT deserve second best - so adopt a family from church. One that is older and loves kids - that you KNOW.
Stop expecting anything from them.
Stop communicating with them - it will be THEIR LOSS!!
Stop being angry and hurt. You are ONLY hurting yourself. Forgive them for their idiocy. If you need to write them a letter to get it off your chest - do. I wouldn't send it. I would burn it. They won't understand anyway.
Good luck!
Good luck.
Move on. Do your own thing.
Don't bother. It's not worth the aggravation.
Distance yourself. Rely on yourselves.
The kids don't need to feel like 2nd choice.
Honestly, it's not worth your time.
You and hubby have to get over it. Because it's making YOU GUYS miserable.
Life isn't fair. The fair is where you get cotton candy. The fare is what you pay for a taxi. whatever expression you want to say. For whatever reason your mom provides help to your sister that she doesn't provide to you. That sucks, but if you let it harbor resentment in YOU, then YOU are the one with the ongoing bad feelings.
Let. It. Go.
I think that you need to re set your expectation of the relationships. It is not what you want it to be, you voiced that and things havent changed so you have to accept and have a relationship on those terms.
I know it is painful, I have been thru it myself and I feel so much better now that I have let go and dont have constant disappointment with my family.
Sorry you are goung thu this.
I've been through something similar so I can understand where you are coming from. It's a tough situation...for you, but especially for your kids. I would definitely distance myself -- keep things cordial, but don't expect anything from them or rely on them for anything. Your mom and sister are just the way they are and they won't change anytime soon (if ever).
Why would you? You KNOW that it won't do any good.
Maybe if you stopped trying, your mother would miss you and the kids. You won't know until you find someone else to fill up your time with.
The daycare stuff is not a mountain I would have fought over. You have children, you pay for daycare or you stay home, pure and simple. You need to get over mom not saving you money. BUT, if she shows overt favoritism to the other kids IN FRONT OF your children, you should stop taking your kids over there. It's toxic for your kids to have to see this behavior.
Well, you do know the definition of insanity, right?
It's doing the same thing/s over and over expecting to get different results.
I don't know why things are the way they are with your mom & sister, but I do know this: at the end of the day, "paying your own way" on life is much more satisfying than being attached to others by strings.
Be proud that you & your husband can provide for, provide care for your own family and aren't beholden to anyone!
Stay above the drama. It's nice on the high road. And you can't "make" anyone do anything. (I know it sucks to see our kids slighted in any way.)
Good luck!
Things aren't going to change because everyone involved doesn't see this as a problem. The main thing you need to do is to consider how all this impacts you, your hubby, and your children. If it's more stress than it's worth then yes distance yourself again and stop looking to your mom for any help or support. As a grandparent she gets to choose the relationship she wants to have with each of her grandchildren. She's missing out of having a good relationship with your children which SUCKS but in the long run it's her loss.
Don't bother.
You can only control you and your responses and behavior going forward. So do that. Limit your activity with them to when it works for you, however much or little. Accept that your mother is not going to help you with your kids, so don't ask her to. Just assume that she won't be available.
I understand the kids getting their feelings hurt, but you can model how to handle that for them. When you express that "that's just how she is" and don't let it get under your skin and spend your emotions elsewhere, your kids will learn to do the same.
My kids are older (12 & 15) and they have some family members that they know will be there and do with and for them at any time for anything, and others that they know TALK a big game and DO zero. They aren't stupid, and neither are your kids. But how YOU deal with it shows them how to deal with it. So don't let it impact you... just accept that it is how she is (her problem, not yours) and go on about the rest of your life.
Sorry. I know it hurts.
It is probably a waste of time. I wouldn't bother.
Focus on your family and distance yourself from them. Don't let her make you miserable. You can't change who she is or how she acts.
By saying something yet again, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. I would just distance myself and my family and just come to terms with that's the way it's going to be. Acceptance is the key here.
BTW, I am very sorry for you. It really must hurt a lot! Acceptance and time will help the pain.
People like this will never see it so why let it get to you. I wish you could see your attitude is making you unhappy, you are giving them the power to make you unhappy, don't do that.
My ex's mom was like this. I wanted to work when the kids were younger but no way I was going to do it if most of my income went to day care so I stayed home. When my younger two went to school I did start working part time. So by then they were six and eight and my ex's sister had her first. Well then she was all over watching them because they could watch the baby for her while she was doing something else in the house, ya know, extra set of eyes. I quit working shortly after that but she always wanted them over to babysit for her. Well short story long, other grand kids here and there but she never actually babysat my kids! It is what it is and I find it hysterical that she will claim she watched mine just as much as her other grand kids.
Let it go! It isn't worth the stress! I never distanced myself because it isn't as if I had a right to free childcare. It is just odd that she never saw the difference in treatment.
Don't waste your breath. I have a sis that lived beside my mom and dad. I lived 600 miles away. They got free babysitting ALL the time. Nada, here.
But there came a day with they both got sick, yrs apart. My sis took care of both of them very well. And took care of the will stuff too. And as well she should. They got quite a bit of care from each other and really, it worked out ok. Now, if that happens for you, so be it. But if people come knocking on your door...
Why say something that simply falls on deaf ears? I would distance again if at all possible. There is no point in allowing this to upset you and no point in allowing this to be a thing in your family - no one "wins" from another argument.
B is dead on!
I have a similar situation, and I am very ill (fibromyalgia, IBS, but getting better each day!), work full time, 3 kids - my MIL doesn't work and NEVER offers to help. NEVER. She sucks....bad. I still am not over it and it has been going on for years. And everyone telling you to just get over it and move on and not care will not help you. People have told me many times I just need to accept she doesn't want to help us - that doesn't fly with me. I guess to me it is like allowing people to get away with bad behavior that affects my family....not ok. But....what choice is there?
The only thing that helped me is getting to the point that I don't NEED them anymore, for anything. Not for support, childcare, companionship, nothing. that meant I saved my money and worked hard to be able to afford absolutely any child care I desired, and it meant planning for backup in the event a child is sick and not even considering calling her. And yes, that means distancing yourself. In your situation, it isn't healthy not to. Do it for your family. Trust me you will be happier.
I would say nothing to them. I would just distance. If they don't ask why you are, great. you have nothing to deal with. If they ask, great, it means you got their attention and by that point, you can calmly tell them off it such an intelligent way you will surprise yourself. Doing it now out of anger won't be good. Wait till you don't care as much....emotions take away your super smart argruments! =)
I SO get how you feel, and I hate it for you. One thing I wondered as I read your post - my husband's brother and his wife get different treatment than us - the get birthday gifts, we don't, little things like that. We finally realized it is likely because they make less money than we do (they probably make $80k collectively and don;t have kids so they are by no means hurting!) so the parents give them things whereas perhaps they feel we can buy our own. That is the only thing we can all come up with for the differential treatment. So my question - is your sister somehow at a disadvantage in your mom's eyes? Illness, money, husband not as supportive, etc?
The unfair treatment my MIL and your mother dishes out is so not OK, regardless of the reason, I was just curious.
Run from them - and find some new friends. =)
Move on. Maybe the book "the dance of anger" may be helpful.
Your Mom knows you can handle it. She also knows your sister cannot.
While I know it is frustrating and it hurts to not be able to get help. It seems as thought your Mom knows you can handle taking care of your family but apparently she is not so sure about your sister and feels the need to hover.
After scanning the other responses, it seems I am the only one who feels this way, but your mom does not OWE you free childcare! You refer to her as the nanny "My mom is still the nanny for this one." Maybe THAT'S why she doesn't want to watch your kids. You knew she wasn't watching your first child and yet you expect her to watch the second? If you can't afford childcare and are complaining about "paying a fortune", why keep having kids?
Sorry to be so blunt, but "actions speak louder than words". Your sister is your moms favorite so she does everything for her. Try to go about your business, take care of your husband and kids, and limit your time around your mother and sister. I would NOT have the kids ask their grandma why she 'doesn't like them'. This is already a hot mess without getting the kids emotions screwed up over it. Try to change the way you look at this, limit your time with them and maybe you won't get caught up in the drama so much. It really isn't worth it. JMO. Good luck.
I vote no. I know my mom loves my kids. Iit's obvious to everyone that her favorite is my oldest - I got pregnant with her at 19 and my mom and daughter formed an amazing bond, it just is what it is. But she also loves my boys and after some years and fights, the kids don't notice much of a difference at all.
My younger sister also got pregnant at 19, but lived at my parents house until my niece was 2 - with her then fiance (now husband) as well. My parents always took care of my niece and did whatever my sister needed. I can count on less than one hand the number of times my kids have slept at my parents house....none! (My daughter did a couple of times before my son came along, but he is 8, so do the math). My niece seems to be there at LEAST once or twice a month still for overnights and weekly for babysitting. It's frustrating, sure, but I can't let that take over my life and take it on as a worry or anger.
So I say nothing - other than to tell them I don't want to hear it when any of them complain. My husband and I also pay a pretty penny for childcare and wouldn't have it any other way. We ask family for help only in EMERGENCIES and they all know this. So if I ask, I pray to God they can help. My sister uses family for date nights, car shopping, grocery shopping, bank trips, everything. My dad gets annoyed because my parents did all of those things with 5 kids in tow. I do it with 3 kids in tow. My sister can't do it with 1, but it's because my parents have always been there for her.
Our live are very different and I'd take mine over hers any day of the week. So it is what it is.
No, I wouldn't say anything. Just back off and stop involving them - they will get the hint soon enough if they truly wan to be involved in your family. If not, it will let go of the anger and hurt you feel by not having them turn you down.
It's also amazing what saying "I didn't tell you because you always say no and it hurts me and my kids" will do to people when they ask why they didn't know about something.
Eh, not worth the hassle. Life's not fair.
I don't understand a grandma who doesn't equally adore all her grandkids, but apparently they exist.
Maybe someday in a calm moment you could ask your mom why there is such a discrepancy. But don't "confront" her. There's probably a somewhat valid reason, in her mind. Do you and your husband make more money than your sister? If so, I can understand your mom's reasoning, to an extent.
Other than that, let it go.
If you say something yet again, you are showing what you seem to believe: That people will change because they should.
That isn't how it works.
You want something that your mother is not going to give you. She has proven that through her actions; why would you believe any empty words she or your sister might say about how "things will be different"?
You want a change but the change has to come from you, not them. They are not going to change, period, and start providing the child care you have wanted. (And they may see it more as you repeatedly demanding free child care, whereas you see it as "I want mom to be close to my kids"-- have you considered that difference in perspective and asked them if that's what's going on--a misunderstanding of motives?)
It's on you now, not on them. Stop wanting. Learn the lesson that's been shown to you repeatedly: Your mother has zero interest in watching your kids; your mother favors your sister and her children, at least in terms of the time she is willing to invest in them. Do not expect people to change because "I'm the other daughter and I deserve equal treatment and so do my kids." Change how you react: Stop asking, stop confronting, be thrilled that you have a good nanny (many folks don't have that option!) and go on with your life. At family functions, focus on your kids and ensuring they have a good time, rather than mentally compiling a list of every time your mom seems to hover over the cousins.
You are not wrong to want mom's attention but you are also an adult with your own kids, and should be able to step back from the emotion and realize that mom is not going to change.
I would bet anything that there is a MUCH longer story here that goes back into your own childhood and your relationship with your sister and mother over many years, long before you had children. I would wager that sister has always gotten mom's attention and your demand for mom to pay attention to you now is part of a long history of wanting attention and now wanting it for your kids.
You cannot control other people. You CAN control your reactions to other people. Leave this behind. Go only to family functions you want to attend and don't feel guilty about not going to others. Decide if this is a deal-breaker for you and you want to cut back on seeing mom and sister at all. Or decide that this is not a hill you want to die on, as the saying goes, and you can see them all and just laugh to yourself about their selfishness. But it's time to leave the lopsided-love complaint behind you and realize that it is a total waste of your energy to keep confronting them or even thinking about this. You are burning up emotional energy that you could be focusing positively on your own life!
I like the responder who mentioned that it will most likely become your sister's burden to care for your Mom when she is ailing or later in life. If Mom is not there for you now, hopefully she won't expect you to take care of her when she needs you. That should ultimately fall on your sister who has benefitted from all of the help with her own children. Honestly, you may want to count your blessings. Not all parents treat their children equally and not all children will be there for their parents late in life. Its just how things go. However, it sounds like you have already learned a valuable lesson and your two children will benefit from a mother who won't make the same mistakes.
Unfortunately, we can't pick our families but we can decide how much we interact with them. Don't bother with them. They aren't worth the effort.
I see you are hurt and angry and emotional, and sharing those emotions with your children. Have you ever asked your mother in a calm non- accusing manner, why she gives her time more freely to your sister? and then quietly listened, really listened to her answer? Could it be she lives closer to your sister? that she doesn't get along with your husband? That you and she disagree on so many things, including child raising, that she didnt think it would work out, and could even harm your relationship? When hiring a nanny, I assume a family interviews several and chooses one whose child rearing ideas are closest to their own. If your mother cites any of these reasons, you need to listen and reflect. IF your mother really has none of these concerns and no reasons, you need to distance yourself from her and lower your expectations to protect your children from her favoritism.
I'm sorry to see that your mom treats you differently. I will never understand people who treat their children differently (and I'm not referring to approaching them differently, but favoring one over the other). I don't agree with some of the posts here,..that your mom doesn't owe you free child care. She doesn't, but she needs to be civilized. If she thinks that you can handle it, then she needs to nicely say that. Simply ignoring you and pretending like nothing happened is not the way to go. She is an adult,not a kid. She obviously doesn't act like a responsible adult. With that in mind, you need to move on. Take care of your family and yourself the same way like those who have no relatives close by. You can consider your mom and sister as relatives that live 3000 miles away and whom you might see once a year. I know it's tough on the kids. They will ask questions, but they'll learn that their grandma is not what they want in a grandma and they will distance themselves from her. Good luck and try to get used to the idea that you are on your own.
There no reason to "say anything". Your mom and sister have the right to make their own choices. No, your mom is not there for you, but that is the way it is. I would live my own life and not worry so much about their relationship.Personally, their relationship is not something I would want anyway.
