Do I Need to Do Something to Change My Daughter’s Personality?

I second the idea of getting her into martial arts (karate) training. It sounds like she needs a way to get her agression out and to learn ways to channel it into something besides fighting others at school. A good karate instructor will be clear that these techniques are not for use on siblings or schoolmates.

My daughter and I have been training in karate for over three years. I've spent over 8 years total in martial arts and have been an instructor for kids. I've seen all kids benefit greatly from this training - timid or aggressive.

I would get her into martial arts. That will teach her discipline and will let out some of that pent up fighter in her.

I agree with thoughts stated below except for "playing with the boys in the neighborhood is not the proper environment to learn appropriate behavior for a young lady." I did not have any girl cousins & grew up with all boy cousins & it did not make me aggressive towards others. I agree with the feedback from others that finding out what is going on with her thought process preceding the incident, therapy, working with the school psychologist, observing her peer interactions and getting help/support from programs like PHP would be good ways to proceed.

This isn't about being like a "girl" - girls aren't "good" and "nice" and boys aren't "bad" and "wild." You cannot change someone's personality, you are born with that and it is not in mom's control. What you can do something about is her behavior. Seriously, she broke someone's nose? What did you do to punish her? Perhaps you should speak with the school counselor/social worker about some effective disciplinary tactics and to find out why she has so much anger. Your post talks about her getting YOU so much trouble and you being nervous but you are not a bystander here, you are the parent and your child is behaving badly - do something about the behavior. Have you spoken with her very firmly about what the rules and expectations for behavior are, and issued consequences when she has behaved badly? If you do not know how to discipline your child, please seek some help from a therapist or parenting specialist.

What have YOU done to correct her behavior? What have YOU told her in terms of what your expectations are?

This is not a boy vs. girl issue and how they play...this is an issue with your daughter being able to control herself and understand that fighting is not appropriate. Boys can play and rough-house without it escalating into knock-down drag-out fights - they know the difference and they know what is okay and what is wrong (or at least hopefully they do!). Girls shouldn't be any different.

This is not about her personality - this is about her behavior and what you need to do as far as enforcing discipline, or seeking therapy for her, and why this behavior of hers has been allowed to continue, despite all the talks her teacher has had with you.

This has nothing to do with a girl being like a "girl".
This has to do with inappropriate behavior that is affecting her at school.
She broke a child's nose.
That's pretty serious.
I would ask the school about a therapist recommendation.
At six years old, this isn't about gender.
Just my opinion.
This isn't about you or feeling nervous. You need to get your kid some help so she can feel successful at school and with her interactions with other kids.

Best wishes.

You are the parent. I hope you're not afraid of your daughter. I don't want to sound mean to you, but you seriously have to toughen up a bit on your daughter. If my child got beaten up at school by a child like yours, I would definitely look for the parents and see what they are about. I hope you are spending quality time with her and teaching her right from wrong. Be well.

You don't need to make your girl 'like a girl'. You need to parent and TEACH her and help her learn some ways to control her temper. Being a boy has nothing to do with it. I have a boy and he is totally 'boyish' but that doesn't mean he hits people or picks fights. It is just a personality issue, not a gender issue.

It is hard, because she is young, but you need to teach her to think BEFORE she acts. And please, don't just think she is being 'naughty'.

Many small children's brains have just NOT caught up with their bodies yet- her little hand is out and smacking before her brain even catches up to think "Wow that might not be a good idea! I might get in trouble!"

You need to work with her to USE HER WORDS- speak, not hit. You just have to emphisize this and say it over and over and over and over. It takes constant repetitions of that to get it to sink in. Again- not because she is 'not listening' or 'defying' you, but because it LITERALLY takes her brain that many times for it to sink in!

Also, use time outs to THINK about what she is doing. You need her to learn to take that critical couple of seconds before she ACTS to think about the consequences. You need to talk to her about consequences and what that word means and how they happen. You need to do this over and over.

Please don't treat your daughter as just 'naughty' or not like a 'girl'. She is just a small person whose brain has not caught up with her impulses yet. Work with her, parent her and I bet the behavior will change. Good luck!

I'm sorry this is happening but now is the time to get this worked on, so she does not continue in school and end up labeled permanently as a violent troublemaker. Sorry, but teachers, administrators and other families do label kids, and those labels stick hard and long. It's certain that every family in your school knows already that she broke a child's nose, and whether she did it on purpose or with an accidentally rough swing, the parents are going to be wary of her and will tell their kids to be wary of her. It's unfortunate but true: We all keep up with which kids hurt other kids, and even if we feel sorry for the kids who do the hurting, we also want to keep our own children away from them. Work with her immediately to get her on a better track so this problem can end with this school year.

The phrases that jumped into my mind were "anger management" and "impulse control." She needs the former and needs to learn the latter. You mentioned "she is very very naughty" but didn't give any examples other than punching this other child and "she likes fighting with boys," so it's hard for us to know what "naughty" means -- and punching isn't "naughty," it's violent.

Definitely professional help is the route you need right now, even if it costs, because: First, she may not pay any attention to you telling her to behave differently, because up until now, this is "normal" for her and she's used to rough play and won't understand why you're now saying to stop. Second, if she is at the point of injuring other kids, you need to show the school and other parents she is getting serious help, or eventually you and she could end up in legal trouble, as another person who posted has pointed out. Third, you yourself are framing this problem as "she needs to be more girly" and "she's naughty" and "she's been playing with boys" -- those don't seem to face the real problem here. You also say you're nervous and scared to deal with her school or face her teachers -- which honestly means you need someone to guide you and counsel or even diagnose her.

One more thing -- You didn't mention: Does she understand what she did and that it was wrong? Even if she insists it was an accident, does she take personal responsibility for it anyway? Has she apologized to the child? If she is showing real remorse about what she did and really is upset that she did it because it was wrong -- not just upset because it got her into trouble, but because she knows it was painful to someone else -- that is a good sign and shows she can understand others' feelings. But she still needs to see someone professional. Talk to the school counselor and your pediatrician to get referrals to child psychologists who specialize in anger management or whatever the counselor or doctor think she needs.

um-hitting is not acceptable-and you are fortunate that the boy did not retaliate. If I were the boy's parents-I would sue you-and if your homeowners insurance didn't pay enough-I would take your house and anything else you own. Children need to be taught to behave-and clearly-playing with the boys in the neighborhood is not the proper environment to learn appropriate behavior for a young lady. I would also get her some help-and figure out what is at the root of all the hostility.

I suggest counseling of some sort. She has anger issues and if you don't nip them now, they are going to get bigger as she gets older.
As she gets older, the consequences will be expulsion from school. Fighting is not allowed - no matter what. It's not a "don't do that" any more, it's "out you go, pal!"
You are the parent. You need to set some serious consequences for fighting and bad behavior. Figure out her currency -- what she likes - video games, tv, an activity - and if she misbehaves, you take it away. You need to tell her the consequences before she heads out the door in the morning. Make a set of rules for her - have her help you.
No fighting.
No rude talk.
No shoving.
No hitting... you know...
Then have her help you with the consequences. Kids are often harder on themselves than we are.
YMMV
LBC

what, girls don't have tempers?
you don't want to (and can't) 'change her personality' or make her 'like a girl' (what does that mean? docile? bitchy? obedient? catty? sexy? demure?)
but you can and must get her help in understanding her violent impulses and how to deal with them appropriately. role-playing, physical activity training, and strict consequences would all be great places to start.
khairete
S.

Your girl may never be "girly" but she can learn self-control. I would start by talking with the guidance office about your resource options and who might be a good child behavior therapist. It sounds like she needs to learn appropriate behavior - which would be true even if she was a boy. My stepdaughter didn't have quite the problems you are experiencing, but she does tend to barrel through life and has had to learn to chill out, be respectful, etc. She's just a bull in a china shop with relationships and authority, and being bigger than a lot of kids (and bigger than many boys), she's physically intimidating, too. It has been a long road to get her to think of other ways to deal with her problems but I'm glad we started tackling them young.

it's not about making her more like a girl. she has a vagina, that's as girl as you get. this behavior would not be acceptable for a boy either.

get her some help with her temper, and talk to her - maybe something in her life is difficult and she is lashing out. it's good you are paying attention now before she gets older and it gets worse. if you have insurance maybe you could get her some counseling.

good luck mama!

Breaking someone's nose isn't too easy. I do think something is up with her, but I wouldn't say it is personality related. I would be concerned that my child was alright. Someone mentioned counseling, that's a good idea. Another thing that came to my mind was martial arts. Very good training for being strong and self controlled. Definitely look into a traditional martial art. A traditional martial art will have forms, weapons, and breathing techniques. My hubby is a black belt in Kuk Sool Won, so that is my favorite. But their are others. My son will start this summer when he turns 4. I suggest this bc martial arts teach you to center yourself, respect others and be confident that you know how to defend yourself or others, but also teach you that avoiding the fight altogether is best. Maybe she feels intimidated or because she runs with the boys she feels she has to assert herself as a tough girl, but it does sound like some anger too, which possibly a good martial art could help. Good luck, but whatever you do, don't do nothing bc I do think that this level of aggression in such a young child is a cry for some help. Take care!

R.,

Is this your only child? I would suggest getting her involved in a sport such as swimming, running, tennis, etc. something that will allow her to get her energy directed in a place other then anger and aggression toward others. I would also see that she has some play with both boys and girls. If you tell her how bad/naughty she is repeatedly, without addressing exactly what happened she will not be able to improve her behavior.

I'm not so in favor a martial arts for a child who likes to fight. It's true they do teach discipline and respect, but I would try other activities first.

Have you been asked to pay for the medical bills of the child she hurt? Have you had her apologize directly to the child?

Blessings.....

No, you don't need to change her personality. That is uniquely hers. But what you do need to do is help her learn some self-control within that personality. You might want to begin with being more observant of the play that is going on in the neighborhood and try to help all of the children she is playing with learn to be more civilized in their behavior. It won't be an easy job, but should be well worth the effort.

I would recommend counseling.
They have the tools that we do not to find out why she is doing this and deal with any deep seated issues.
They can get to the root of her temper/anger and inappropriate behavior.

I don't think you should be thinking of it as changing her personality, but you definetly need to get her some help to control her behavior.

If it were me, just hearing what you said, I would take her to see a play therapist, and I might consult a child psychiatrist if the therapist sees issues that need more treament than they can help with.

Breaking someone's nose is way beyond the typical rough kid. You really need some assistance with it.

Good luck, and I hope you get some help for her.
M.

Have your child evaluated by a child psychologist or psychiatrist. She may have an emotional problem, a developmental problem or ADHD, among other things. She may have little control of her behavior at present.

A little about me: Child and adolescent psychiatrist, in practice 17 years in Palo Alto. Two children, 20yo boy and 14yo girl, both with ADHD. Married 21 years to a lovely man with ADHD.

I like the idea of getting your daughter into some sort of martial arts.

The book "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic" by
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka might give you some more insight into your daughter's personality.

Parents Helping Parents in San Jose has a library. php.com . Probably a good place to start would be to ask for a "peer support parent."
"To receive a peer support parent, please call PHP ###-###-#### so that we may learn about what is most important to you in a connection." Parents Helping Parents will help point you in the right direction to get help.

Another good resource is Children's Heath Council in Palo Alto (near the Stanford mall) http://www.chconline.org/. They are a service provided (psychologists, psychiatry, testing, parent classes, etc).
Under services they say they can provide "behavior management". You might check with your health insurance to see what they will cover.

Good luck!

no, i dont think there is anything wrong with your daughters personality, i think what the problem is, is that she may be being picked on because she is not a pushover. first off, i think that you need to find out how and why is she is harassed to the point that she feels like she has to break a boys nose to get him to behave like a human being. dont allow your daughter to be the fall guy here, because if you do allow your daughter to take all the blame, she will become an easy target for any boy who decides to harass her because they know they wont be blamed for it, she will. maybe the boy threw her books, maybe her pushed her, hell maybe he tried to put his hands down her pants, you dont know until you start asking questions. if she were a boy, would you have gotten upset about her defending herself ?
K. h.

Even if your daughter were a boy, this behavior would not be appropriate, so how to make your girl be a girl, I don't think is the right question. It sounds like your daughter could use some counseling to find out why she is so angry and some anger management to give her the tools to deal with the anger. Also, I think you need to teach your daughter EMPATHY. I am a HUGE advocate of empathy and I think if your daughter were to learn to put herself in other's shoes, she might not be so quick to become violent. you really need to get this under control because it will only get worse as she gets older and I can already see a bed for her in juvenile hall!

No, she sounds like my sister who grew up to become a very well paid officer of the law.