This morning my 6 year old refused to wear his coat, it became a very long struggle. I told him that it was cold and he needed to wear the coat. I said if he did not put it on I would throw away his Halloween candy...hour later, missed the bus, he did not wear the coat. I drove him to school and carried in the coat.
I have 4 kids so, three still have their candy.
Do I stick to my guns with the consequence or make some kind of concession?
To be clear, I understand that the punishment of taking away the candy doesn't have anything to do with wearing the coat. I had a rough morning getting the kids out the door, made a bad call and I'm asking for advice on what to do now. If I typically made outrageous unrelated threats I wouldn't be asking for advice now, I'm asking because I AM AWARE I was in the wrong.
Thanks for some helpful suggestions. To answer some questions, it became a long struggle because this child has a processing disorder and transitions are hard for him so, I explained things for a while and offered options. He sees a psychologist and she recommended offering choices and giving a reward with a good choice and a consequence with a bad choice. (in frustration I went too big with the candy punishment). He really needs to wear a coat, he's got Celiac's and anemia and gets cold easily.
He came home from school and I asked if we could have a talk, I loved the idea of including all the kids as someone suggested but, he wanted to speak privately. I asked him if he felt like he made mistakes this morning and if he thought I did. I told him that my reaction was wrong but that his behavior was wrong. I said that he would lose his treat for tonight but that if we could sit down and make a new morning checklist including settling on a coat before morning reward then he could have Halloween candy. He agreed and we did include his brother on making the list (their sisters are still too young).
Now here is an extra bonus, I did in fact get the bag of candy out of the trash after he went to school and put it in our office but, none of the kids saw that. Today after lunch everyone was picking a treat and he asked what he was going to do, I got down the bowl of left over candy that we handed out and said to pick from that for now and before I explained that I would get his later, his brother offered to let him pick 10 pieces of his to put in his bucket, the girls were a little less generous but each offered three of their choosing.
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Parents are allowed to make mistakes, and own up to them. Apologize for making an unreasonable statement, then explain that if he doesn't wear a coat, he will be cold, that's it.
Power struggles are not worth it, ever.
Why was not Halloween candy related at all to whether or not he wore his coat?
That's not a consequence, it's a punishment. The two are VERY different and they inspire very different reactions in kids.
My opinion..... he doesn't wear his coat.... he's COLD. That's a consequence. He won't get sick from not wearing a coat.... so the only harm is that he is uncomfortable.
Throwing away his Halloween Candy and letting him watch his siblings eat theirs is NOT going to drive home the lesson that he needs to wear a coat. it's going just going to make you have an angry kid.
However..... since you said it, I would follow through. I think going back on what you say is 10x worse than having an ineffective punishment. Besides when you see that it won't be effective, and that all you're going to get is angry kid..... well, THAT is a true consequence.... for YOU.
We all do it. I have found myself giving my two year old the most inane threats lately because I'm at my wit's end with trying to reason with her...and I need to stop doing it. So, you made a mistake.
I wouldn't make a big deal about it this time...prepare in advance what a real consequence will be if he elects to balk his coat again. Let him go without it and he'll be cold at recess or have to stay inside...that might do it. (Call his teacher and let her know that if he shows up without a coat, it's not because you're neglectful, but because he refuses and you're trying to teach him a lesson.)
NO!!!
That is a completely unrelated consequence. Please don't take away his Halloween joy.
You know how they say that consequences should be related to the misbehavior? That's a core rule of discipline. It's not always possible to have natural and relevant consequences, but in this case, the candy has absolutely nothing to do with his coat.
The natural consequence for not wearing a coat is that he will be cold.
The solution to this one is easy -- don't battle over the coat. If he gets cold, he will realize he wants his coat, and put it on. He won't get sick from not wearing his coat a few times.
It's his body, let him experience the natural consequence of not wearing a coat and being cold.
But I disagree with the posters below who say you can't change your mind. Parents are human, and they make mistakes sometimes, and they are allowed to change their mind. You won't lose all authority if you change your mind this one time. Let him keep the candy.
Aaaaw, we ALL shoot something off we don't really mean from time to time, it's ok!
(Kid), I'm sorry I said you couldn't have your candy. But when you refuse to put your coat on it makes me sad. I want you to be warm and safe and it hurts my heart to think of you freezing cold, plus I don't want your teacher to think I'm a bad mom for sending you to school with no coat. So if you'll wear your coat on cold days from now on you can have your candy.
But honestly, this is not a battle I would even fight in the first place. Kid wants to go with no coat and be freezing....well natural consequence I guess.
:)
The natural consequence for not wearing his coat is that he will be cold. Next time don't argue with him, let him suffer the consequence of his decision.
As far as the candy, no don't take it away (ouch!) but going forward, stop and think before making a threat, and make sure it is something 1) related to the infraction and 2) something you will actually follow through on.
And don't beat yourself up about this too much, we have ALL been there!
Two things I vowed never to argue about:
Food and clothing.
My job is to provide healthy food choices - his choice is to eat it or go hungry.
He has a coat - if he doesn't wear it - he gets cold.
He'll figure it out.
Just allow him to suffer the consequences of his choices - that's usually punishment enough.
I'd suggest you tell him he has to show you he can be a good listener even if he has eaten candy if he plans on getting more candy. Tell him you thought it over and you'd like to give him an opportunity to earn his candy back by being a good listener and a good helper. Give it back after a day if he does well (or an afternoon, depending on what you think he can handle).
In our house, stubborn tantrumy behavior sometimes IS linked to having eaten a treat, so I can totally relate to your choice, even if it's a (frustrated) stretch. Good luck!
How was this wrong? You asked him to do something, he didn't do it. The candy is a treat. As parents we can take treats away for discipline purposes. I would put the candy in a zip lock bag and hide it. He is going to think you threw the candy away. Later on maybe give him some and say you saved some of the candy. He won't know.
In the future, if he doesn't want to wear the coat, fine. let him be cold. That won't last very long! Trust me, I have his twin!!! =)
I don't see how candy is in any way related to the coat. If he didn't want to wear his coat - his consequence would have been being cold and having to fit the coat in his backpack. That's it. Since I think the threat you made was wrong - I would not stick to it. I would explain to him that you made a mistake and that what you should have done was let him be cold. I think it is good for children to see that adults can make mistakes and change their minds. I would also brainstorm with him about what you and he will do next time it is cold (since chances are good it will be cold).
ETA: All going through on a punishment that is 'wrong' teaches a child is to never change their own minds. So much better for them to learn to be flexible. And no matter what you do - it will be ok. There will be another chance to do it right tomorrow.
I would sit with hm and actually tell him you made a mistake with that punishment so your going to change it to suit the deed. BUT a punishement must take place. He needs to listen to you and he needs to know you mean business. I would send him to bed an hour earlier than the other children.
I would def talk to him. We all have had rough days like this and four children are a handful. Do not be so hard on yourself. Pick your battles and breath. Your doing fine.
Several options here...don't take it away and the kid won't believe you going forward. Take it away..and I believe that the punishment doesn't fit the crime...but you are keeping to your word......
Or have a conversation with him that you got upset that he was not listening to you and took away candy in error in haste - so you have since had time to cool down and realize it was a mistake so you are not going to take it away...let the others overhear this conversation as well. I would personally vote for this option...parents can make mistakes too.
For the future.....In our house if kid doesn't want to wear a coat - I am not arguing or even discussing they choose..if it is cold...they will eventually suffer the consequence of being cold. I don't have to do a thing to enforce the consequence...beautiful.
I'm basing my answer on your statement that you know you were wrong to make this threat. I think you should not enforce this particular consequence, and when you talk to your son about it, you should explain to your son that he should have worn his coat, but that you were wrong to say you were going to throw away his candy. Instead, he will instead have XXXX consequence, which is related to his non-wearing of his coat (eg, he cannot play outside on Saturday because he doesn't understand the importance of wearing a coat, or whatever). I think it's ok for kids to understand that adults make mistakes too, and the way to handle it is to apologize for the mistake, and then do the right thing.
The consequence of him not wearing the coat is him being cold. If it is DANGEROUS to not wear a coat, that's different. But if he'll just be uncomfortable, then why fight when the weather will teach him what you want him to learn? Just apologize.
Some kids just run hot - my son and husband can play in 60 degrees in shorts and I'll be wearing long sleeves and a sweater.
I leaned not to worry too much if they choose to not wear their coats when they where told to cause they are the ones that would get cold not me.
If you tell him to wear the coat he wears the coat. I don't understand these "refused to do" comments. I was strict I guess in the beginning because I didn't have them refusing to do anything. Your the parent. I wouldn't give him the candy but that's me. If you do and said you wouldn't, your in for a long road because he will know that you do not mean what you say and will continue to push it.
Yipes. This is a tough one. You've received some great suggestions here -- and, obviously, you'd re-do this if you could (and haven't we ALL had mornings like that?)
An observation on the coat thing: my fourth daughter, now 19, runs really, really hot. I, on the other hand, don't have the circulation God gave a rock and so run to the chillier side. After years of making her bundle up the way I would if I were going out -- and then watching her toss her coat in the snow because she was too warm -- I finally started buying the clothes that were more suited to her needs. Honestly, it made me crazy for a couple of years to put her in a coat that would NEVER have been suitable for me! Still, I found she kept on the lighter weight jacket or sweatshirt (I still shudder with chills at the thought). Going forward, you may want to re-evaluate for *this* child and opt for the lighter garment (unless, of course, he was just being a stinker this morning). With my older 3, warmer was better -- and REQUIRED whether they wanted it or not. With this youngest, she just ran warm like her Dad. To this day, as a college student in New Hampshire, she still doesn't like a warm winter coat (though she at least loves and wears warm boots). Rotten kid.
Good luck with the candy thing. Don't beat yourself up. Like I said, we ALL have days that we'd like to re-do!
Love and Logic. Buy the book. Read it.
I agree with Windy. The candy has nothing to do with the coat, therefore it isn't a logical consequence. But you made the threat, and now you have to folow through.
Being COLD is a logical consequence, candy isn't. You have to put away your need to be in control and let him learn his own lessons sometimes. All you did was end up in a power play because you basically told your child that he can't make a smart decision. You're smart and he's dumb. Of course he's going to push back!
Next time, give him this choice: "It's 40'F outside. Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?" Then just leave it alone. He'll get out to the bus stop, be cold, and probably put it on. And if he just carries it all the way to school...he'll still be okay.
You can't control everything, drill sergeant mom. Please read the book. I guarantee it will help you.
ETA: The other option, should you not want to deal with the candy drama, is pretend it never happened. When you run into the coat struggle tomorrow morning, try giving him the choice. He can either wear a coat or carry it (in his bag is fine, as long as he has it to put on when he feels cold). Honestly...that's what I'd probably do. :-)
Ohhh, I've said stuff like that. My favorite was when I said, "Clean up these toys or I'm throwing them all out!!" UGH. I regretted that one. I just admitted to my kids that I made a mistake. I'm human, and it's OK to show that. You can still let him know that you were annoyed about his not listening to you about the coat.
On another note (that you didn't ask for but I feel like mentioning), WHY did wearing a coat become a long struggle?? He's 6! He's old enough to figure that one out by himself. In my opinion (not that you asked for it, sorry) that is definitely NOT a battle worth fighting. Worry about something else.
You have to follow through--especially since the other 3 will also learn the lesson. Next time, just don't pick something so absolute..."All of your candy"..."You'll never get to watch TV again"...etc. Those are really hard to enforce!
Did you say that you would throw ALL of it away? I would throw away a specific number of candies, tell him how many you threw away and remind him that you did warn him that his candy would get thrown away if he did not wear a coat. Or, you could just take the candy and let him wonder what you did with it. Then you use it in some other way. Like hide it in your closet for future rewards for any of the kids.
You realize you got yourself into a pickle with this one, but you stated a consequence for an action and now you have to follow through. I'd empty his candy bucket and hide the candy, so that it appears that you threw it out. Then, a few days from now, quietly resupply the other siblings candy buckets and encourage them, out of his hearing to share with their brother since he lost his candy for not listening. Everytime he gets a piece of candy from his siblings, tell him how nice it was of them to share since he lost his as punishment.
yes, throw it out, if you don't it will come back to haunt you.
because you've already not followed through on a punishment , he's going to think , eh she's not going to do it.
It's JUST CANDY. if he wanted to keep it that bad he should have put his coat on.
No, that only teaches him that he can lose something important. It does not teach him the consequences of not wearing a coat. I assume it was cold there, and not hot like the rest of the country seems to be right now...geesh, my kids wanted to wear shorts and tee shirts today with flip flops. Thank goodness they're already packed away for next summer.
I suggest you put it up and let him have a piece or two per day for the next few weeks and not let him have any abundance of it...I know you wouldn't anyway but just had to say...
I think if it was bitterly cold and he refused to wear his coat I would have put his little hiney out on the porch or deck for a few minutes until he realized it was cold and wanted back in. Then I would have let him stay out but simply handed him the coat.
If he didn't want to wear the coat and he would not have suffered damage then I would have perhaps let him go without. BUT called the school and told them if they felt it was too cool to let him go out without it to make sure he was told he couldn't go outside with his friends w/o a coat.
These would have been the natural consequences of not having a coat on, getting cold will only need to be taught one time, maybe two if he didn't get cold enough before deciding he needed his coat big time.
If you want your kids to know that you mean what you say, you have to follow through, but I def. would learn from this. Try to make the consequence related in the future knowing that if it's something unrelated, unreasonable, or unenforceable you'll still have to honor it if you want your standing as the parent to be intact. Kids need the security of your word being consistent with your actions. It's not fair if it's arbitrary and unpredictable.
I would take it, but not throw it away. Save it for future treats, etc. Maybe look for some ways / opportunities to reward that child a bit more with a treat, but don't make it known that it's the Halloween candy.
Stinks. =( Good luck!
Since the consequence didn't fit the offense, I would get the Halloween
candy out of the trash & explain to your youngster while he needs to be
wear his coat, you shouldn't have thrown out his candy.
Explain he needs to listen to mommy simply because you are the mom,
you know better and are watching out for his well-being.
I have my son wear his coat. He does not run hot like his sister & dad.
I still insist he wears his coat when need be.
Just make sure disclipline is not off the handle when angry and fits the
offense.
I completely agree with Sue (and others who have the same idea).
I wouldn't throw away the candy. I would be honest. I would say that it was a tough morning for everyone, you included. I would say that everyone needs a "do over" & that the next morning everyone is going to try again.
Perhaps a smooth morning gets an extra piece of candy for dessert.
Good Luck
T. Y (SAHM of 5 - 11, 10, 4, 3 & 11 months)
You weren't in the wrong. You offered a consequence for disobedience. It might be a consequence that you don't want to implement, but that doesn't make it wrong. You put it out there, your kid called you on it-now you should follow through. Otherwise you are making your life a LOT harder the next time you say there will be a consequence. It becomes an empty threat and it will be an even bigger fight.
I agree that thowing the candy away is a punishment not a consequence.
How ever if you "warm his bottom" so the rest of him gets warmer, that is a consequence. (JK) He needs to wear the coat if you say so. If he doesn't then you will loose you ability to be the mom and authority. If you think he needs to follow your instructions without knowing why, then congratulations, you are a mom. If you think you have to reason with him to get him to do what you want, than you have no authority. Do you really you can count on a six year olds reasoning power? I don't think so. If you don't like his behavior and disrespect at six, wait until he is 16. Then he will really be out of control.
In case you don't know, warming his bottom so he will wear the coat is a valid training method. Good luck to you and yours.
Only renig on the consequence if you have something more suitable to replace it with. "Johnny, I realize threatening your candy stash was inappropriate. So instead of taking it away, I'm going to assign a more appropriate consequence. You will need to ____________ instead." If it were my house, I'd make him sort through the hat/scarf/mitten bin from last winter and match everything up.
