I have been apart from my ex for 1 1/2 years now. We have an 8 year old who is having a very difficult time with all of this. On top of the divorce my ex has cancer and only has about 6 months to a year left. My son is aware of this. He is fine until he talks to his dad or visits with him. His dad became very angry when he was diagnosed and 5 years later is no better, (one of the reasons we fought all the time before the divorce), he now takes that anger out on his son. When he doesnt get his own way he yells at our son and makes him feel bad. Thru all this my son loves his father and wants to be with him, but this is not always easy on him. How can I help him cope with all of this. We tried the counseling thing and it didnt really work for him and he no longer wants to go. He does talk with his school counselor regularly and this seems to help him, but he just needs a little more. Any ideas of what I can do for him? Thanks
M.
Did both of them go to counseling or just your son? Because it may help if they both go together and it will also give them a chance to spend some time together. This way your ex may be able to let go of some anger he has and this way your son will be able to find out that the reason your ex is angry is not his fault. Hope this helps, good luck!
hi M.
I can't even begin to understand what you or your son might be going thru and felt very badly for you both while reading your story. Perhaps it is your ex that needs the counseling - he seems to be the instigator of it all and your son seems to be the level headed adult in this by still wanting to see his dad despite what his dad puts him thru. I hope you don't mind the suggestion and I hope all works out for your son. S.
M.,
It is very sad to hear that your son will be losing his Dad to cancer soon. In my opinion, if you could hook your son up now with Big Brother's or someone he can relate to; to take his mind off of his Dad who he loves very much. It is prob the cancer that is making your ex cruel to son/ i'm sorry also to hear that. If treatment / counseling doesn't help, he needs a male figure in his life soon with the 6 months he will be with out his Daddy.
God Bless, C./Upstate New York
Hey M.,
I'm sorry to hear about your situations. It appears to me the whole family is having a diffcult time with the situation. Although you and your husband are not together anymore have you thought and would he agree to family counseling? Also, how long did you son attend therapy sessions? Sometimes changing the therapist can work wonders. Your son appears to be struggling with the lost of his family as a unit together and the upcoming lost of his father. At eight years old he may blame himself for the anger that his father has towards him at time. The father appears not to be coping and adjusting to his illness well. I would recommend for him some sort of support of group. If he live in the bronx Calvery Hosptial has some great support groups for individuals and families as well that specialize in this sort of thing. And I know you may feel that you are in the middle you want your son to have a relationship with his father however you don't want you child to be hurt. Although it is not easy my recommendation as a LMSW (Social Worker) is to encourage you child to participate in more intenvise (meaning outside of school) therapy and maybe involve in a support group with children his age who also have a parent that is dying to cancer, it helps a lot to know that you are not alone.And don't forget about yourself. Sorry if this reads like rambling. Take care and I hope all goes well.
M.
All I can say is for one im sorry.One I have been where you are right now What I did was get my son and daughter involved into sports and they seem tocontrol alot of there feelin daugh I also made time each night to talk to them and ask them how there day was and how are they ae feeling and it seems to wok.My kids now are my dauther is gonna be 16 and my son is 14.Good luck and keep your head up
Let me start off with saying i am really sorry for you and you son to have to endure this the way you have. This is never a subject you can take lightly, you son is at an age where he is learning how to explain things to himself and gain an independence as well, that is why he has attached to his father the way he did. He understands his father is sick and hurting so he tries to love his father even more and makes excuses to himself about his fathers anger. Now i believe it has become something this child no longer can make excuses for and is turning to you and his school for help to try and understand what made his father hate him. But his fathers displaced anger is going to give this child a life time of hurt, if you son does not heal while he is young. My advice is to let the child know that its oky to feel anger towards his father and that his father loves him; he is just very sad about his illness and dosent know how to deal with it. This my be the fathers attempt at prepairing the son for his passing so that the child is less effective, but infliction of this is causing another problem all in itself. There is never a right answer, listen to your heart and soul and you and your child will heal together. God Bless
M.,
I am sure this is so hard for you as well as your son, and you are doing the right thing. I think couseling is the right way to go, and finding the right person to do it is very hard. It is SO important to find the right person to connect with your son, and it sounds like the first person didn't. Sometimes you may have to try several counselors, or psychologists until one really connects. It is great that the school counselor is working, anyone your son can talk to is an asset. Try calling a hospice center and see if they have groups for your son to join. The Karen Ann Quinlan center in Newton has groups and camps just for kids who have lost someone close to them, and may be able to help your son through this tough time. I can certainly understand your ex's anger, it sounds as if he isn't dealing well with this and it is understandable. But it is also unfair to take it out on his son and I am guessing your ex just can't take your sons' feelings into account. Your husband could also benefit from talking to someone about his situation and hospice care may be able to help with that if he is willing. Stay strong and keep the communication open with your son about his fathers' anger, he is old enough to understand alot of what is going on. Good luck!
For starters I would explain to your son that it's a difficult time that his dad is going through. He's doing his best but he knows that he doesn't have that much time left, and that bothers him.As for your ex, I would explain to him that his son is still young and he is only trying to spend as much time with his daddy as he can and he shouldn't be mean about it even though he ahs alot of anger in him. It sounds to me that they both ned one on one time together to savor and enjoy these last months together. Go to the movies. Play some ball. Do something that fathers and sons do to get there minds of of the cancer. See if that helps. Keep me posted.
