Divorce

Don't pastors usually suggest couseling? Has he tried that? And I know this may be hard to hear but is it a possibility that there is another women? Sometimes when a man or women is determined to be divorced and ignores the pleas of their spouse to work it out they already have someone they are thinking of being with or has been with.

I think pastor is not close to God no more and donot want to follow Gods plan...
He will hurt his church, do not the circunstrances but most like likly he is far from God and is letting the enemy winn this batle. We are fighting agains demonic powers not a little man. Satan is up to destroy homes and families.

You need to sick help, first with our father and then with other christian athorities.
I will pray for you.
Seems to me that your husban will not be serving God for a while.
I suffered something similar to you...
But by the grace of God here I am well taking care of and loved and happly remarried...

scuse my spelling, I'm foreinger and my english is pretty bad :) hope you can underestand what I'm saying.

Dear M.,
First of all, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I normally would not come on so strong but I do want to suggest that YOU see a counselor...whether or not your husband will. You take care of yourself and your children as best you know how. YOU need guidance how to make the best choices and decisions possible regardless of what your husband chooses to do. God is never pleased with divorce although there are situations which the Bible says it is allowed. I will pray for you. Don't worry so much about the people in your church. God will take care of them. And I've learned that the people that matter don't mind, the people that mind don't matter.....Let us hear back from you soon.

Dear M.,

My heart goes out to you and I will definitely be praying for you and your family. It sounds like your husband is being deceived by the evil one! It doesn't appear that he is turning his life and this issue over to God... as with God, anything is possible and there is always hope to work through problems and to honor the commitment of marriage. I will pray that you feel God's love and encouragement so strongly right now! No matter what happens with your husband, God will never leave you or forsake you!

C.

I can't imagine why your husband would be thinking about divorce. If he is a Christian, he should know that there is nothing that God cannot fix if we are willing to ask and listen to Him. I went through what most in this world would feel was an unfixable situation approx. 5 years ago. I saw our children and family crumbling. There were times that I thought our children would never forgive their Dad and I'm not saying all is perfect even now but it's close to perfect. The grass may always look greener on the other side but it never is. God is bigger than any problem that you all could be having. Divorce would not be God's answer to this pastor's problems and he should know that.

I have seen in ministry what happens. You and your husband need someone to oversee your life and who can speak into your life. If your husband does not agree there is a reason why.
It could be "Pride" I have seen the downfall of men who will not talk to someone. It could be a soul tie with another woman, meaning he has not commited adultry yet, but thinking along this line or is in a secret relationship with another woman. Another is that he has fallen away from the Lord and is lukewarm because when you are close to God you will operate in the love of God and he would be believing God to restore your marriage. One of the signs is not praying with the family, not studying the Bible nor praying out loud. A mid-life crises, all men go through. So... he needs a lot of prayer. Choose who you confide in though. Go to a pastor and his wife who you trust can help with your situtation or a marriage counseler who you both agree on.
Also remember your want to restore your relationship, your husband and everbody in the world does not need to know about it. These are private between you and your husband and your overseers. It can harm many people. Now.... If there is sin and your husband does not get help or want to be restored then your church needs to know.

Because you want to save your marriage and see him restored.

M.,

You are right. That is sooooo wrong and will hurt so many! Please do not allow the enemy to steal what is yours. No one is perfect but at the same time we are all works in progress and that God is faithful to continue in the work He has started in us.

Have you thought of fasting for that reason? There is always HOPE in Christ, especially when it comes to our marriages. What God has put together let NO MAN put asunder. Both of you have to decide that you are in it for the long haul. Marriage is hard work but the benefits of it is just amazing if we decide to put Christ first.

I have been married for 17 going on 18 next week, I have been through it all- meaning all problems, you name we went through it. I remember contemplating divorce but then I always put myself in the picture of one day when I am standing face to face with God if He will ask me did you do all in your power to save your marriage and I can never seem to answer yes I have and I have fear of the consequences of my decisions. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Please DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH IT. PLEASE I BEG YOU!!!

I know your question is about telling the church, but if the two of you can muster up the strength to keep trying, I would highly recommend The Atlanta Center for marriages for help. (http://www.atlantacenterformarriages.com/) My husband and I have been helped tremendously. We have known the "things will never change" feeling, but are a testimony now that they can. The book "Love and Respect" is also excellent, somethng you could do even if your husband is unwilling. I will pray for you.

Wow, this is hard because people look up to your husband for guidance and to not give up on things like marriage. It would be a little different if you wanted the divorce and he wanted to work things out, however be that it is not the case you will have to ask God to humble your husbands heart and yours also. Meaning to step inside and heal your wounds and change your definition of marriage and what it suppose to mean to you. Just to hear you say things will never change between you, why? Who is being stubborn you, him or both? What is his grounds for a divorce, adultry? Other than that...he better work it out with you.

Dear Pastors wife,
I am so sorry to hear about you problems and your divorce. I for one firmly believe that marriage is a contract, but like all contracts can be broken under the proper circumstances.If you are miserable in your marriage then by all means get out of there. The kids will pick up the fact that you are unhappy and soon will resent one or the other of you.

The church, if it is a small loving one, should understand that this is your life and after all they do not live in your home and it is after all none of their business. Show me a one of them that hasn't had a problem in their life.
Go on and live your live and live it well.
BUT remember you do get the house, the car, wife support, child support, a colledge pension for you and your son. Money for school clothes dental insurance for you and your son. & the beat goes on, and the beat goes etc..
Have a ball with your kid and your life!
I can garuentee that your life will be much happier,
ALways, Nana

I'm sorry for this difficult stage you're going through.
Marriage is a lot of hardwork indeed. Some issues seem like they will never get resolved, and unless both people want to make the marriage work divorce seems like the only way out and the issues are still there.
I can imagine that leading a church can put some stress on your marriage too.
Have you seen a Biblically based Christian marriage counsellor?
I pray both of you can get counselling and do everything to save your marriage.

Hi M.,

You've gotten so much advice up to this point, so I'll be just echoing what some have already said...

You have the greatest weapon against divorce- PRAYER. Pray for your husband, it works miracles. You are NOT in a contract, you're in a COVENANT, sealed by the blood of Jesus and He sees you and your husband as ONE, that's why your prayers for him are so effective. Don't let the enemy come in your camp, your house, and rob you and steal your marriage from you. This is your marriage (your covenant), guard it, fight for it. You are both accountable to God, each other, and your congregation. If you need help praying, get POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie OMartian, and you'll get targeted, specific prayers for your husband. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Don't give up, fight the good fight of faith!

T.

M.:
We can only be separated from our spouse if our spouse has been unfaithful to us or if our spouse passes away. Your husband as a pastor should know that God only wants it that way. I'll pray for you.
P.

Has your husband forgotten what the Word says about divorce? What will happen to his "flock" once they see that he has given up, and breaking up a family with two chidren involved. Who is his pastor? He needs counseling along with prayer and meditation--so do you. If he is steadfast about breaking up the family, protect your children and get a lawyer.

Dear M.,

It really hurt my heart to read your request. As a warrior in the war against divorce, I can only imagine how you feel as a wife of a pastor of all things. However, I know how the enemy will attack those in position to help others. I would STRONGLY recommend RADICAL LOVE. My husband and I have been working with this ministry now for over 5 years after taking the course which SAVED our marriage. We were going through the pain of the aftermath of an affair and WE MADE IT!! God is able!! I have witnessed 100's of couples of all backgrounds and all different situations, including pastors have their marriages transformed. We have seen several couples who started the program divorced and by the time the course was over had remarried. This program works and has a very high success rate! It is by far different from any other counseling we sought before. I know that God is against divorce and I pray that your husband will be open minded to consider taking this course, if not for you then at least for himself. He has to bee hurting so much too, to be thinking of divorce as a pastor and what he will do about his position, his confidence etc. Please visit the website at www.radicallove.org. I am more than willing to speak to you directly, just send me a direct email if you want to speak to someone immediately. I really hope that you have been reading these responses using your spiritual gift of discernment because there are alot of things said that are totally off course of God's will for marriage. Marriage is a covenant NOT a contract. When you got married you entered into a covenant relationship with God, not a contract which could be negotiated by you or your husband. When you think of it as a contract you instantly take God out of the picture and rely on your strengths instead of God's.
Look forward to speaking with you.
God Bless you. You and your family are in our prayers.

Wow,you must be so hurt.
First thing that comes to mind is 'what' is it that he thinks 'cant change' between you both? Is it sex, fighting, money, attraction? It has to be pretty darn bad to be 'done' with your marriage.
My advice would be to work on your marriage but if he isnt willing to try then I dont know what else to say. I have helped many friends and family through divorce and it must be the last option.
As far as the church well, you let him figure that one out. If he is the one that wants the divorce let him be the one worrying about how HE....not YOU is going to tell the church. With that said though, people in the church know that marriage is hard. God teaches not to judge and you just have to hope they wont. But sometimes the most judgments are in church but since he is the pastor I bet you will be welcomed with open arms. But if he is the one that wants the divorce let him tell them.
Your children are a whole different story. I think that should be your main focus, not the church. I was a child of divorce and it was still one of the most painful things Ive gone through. Just hold on tight to your children but let them breathe. TAke one day at a time. And pray.
Sending you good positive energy today and strength.

Not to be confrontational but whoever the lady is that said "God hates divorce" is not helpful and those two words dont belong together "God and Hate". Blows me away at how people choose to put words in Gods mouth. That is not helping this woman! I can assure you.

M.,

Please pray for your husband and ask God to give you what to say to him to work through this devil incited issue. God does not sanction divorce and it could hurt a lot of people for they expect the pastor to give them biblical advise on marriage etc.... You, through prayer can change this situation. If your marraige is difficult, seek God and dont try to have the last word during a disagreement. I have learned to pray silently as HE speaks and hold my tongue. Plead the blood of Jesus over your husband daily. Anoint his pillow, forehead etc with blessed oil without his knowledge. Do something a little different when he returns home. Spark joy in him by showing joy. Turn your issues over to God, trust Him and REJOICE in the victory BEFORE you see it. I will be praying for you and your family.

Look into Retroville in Atlanta. It has saved lots of marriages I know of. It is attended by couples from many religions, but done by the Catholic Church that believes that God choses your spouse, not you. It is an intensive communication course that spans over several weekends. I hear it is where couples go when they are ready to give it all up or have already done so. Hope you can work it out and your husband can realize that God put you two together for a reason. Good luck, I pray you and your family can get through this...

Pastors are human and not that different from any other man other than they are supposed to be called by God. They are going to make mistakes and do some things like we all do. Those people should be fine with it as long as he is not out in the world doing ungodly things and has put forth and effort to keep his family. Most importantly people need to put their faith in God and not in man!!

M.,
I will keep you, your family and church in my prayers. I know this is a very difficult time for you. Have you and your husband thought about counseling? Hopefully you both can work through your problems.
Take care,
C.

Hi M.:

Most people don't give up on their marriages unless there are severe differences that can't be worked out. I know your husband is a pastor but he also is subject to all of life's weaknessess just like everyone else. Have you considered that there may be someone else in the picture? Most normal people don't throw away their families unless there is someone waiting in the wings.

R. (Married 28 years)

My heart goes out to you! My prayers will certainly be with you during this difficult time. This sounds so much like real spiritual battle. I have seen over and over again how satan attacks marriages, and you are right, it will hurt many. I encourage you to remain strong and to seek help for your marriage. You are very brave and strong and honorable to want to protect it. Maybe someone should recommend him to read "Seeing the Unseen" by Joe Beam. He directly addresses matters like this. All God's peace and comfort be with you.

KS

I will pray for you and your husband and hope that he has a change of heart.

However if he is certain that he wants to end your marriage I think he should discuss the situation with a trusted counselor or elder at the church before discussing with other church members.

Hi M.,

I hurt for you over what is clearly a struggle in your home. I have gone through a divorce personally, and I hurt for what I can only imagine is hurting you and leaving you thinking you never saw something like this in your future.

Hearing you say "I feel this is a mistake" is a voice that deserves consideration..not because of some formula that is "Christian", but because God is bigger than your problem and because he will not let his word return back to him null and void (Isaiah 55) and what HE joins together, let no man separate!

If for some reason you know that the demise of this union IS the right thing for you to do, I can assure you that he will bring you through that too! With abundance and unconditional love! None of us are perfect!

How hard it must be for you to see the man you admire and that leads so many others feel that things will not change for you. I can say with confidence that many of these struggles are genuine seasons that do change! It always seems to me that those who are on a serious spiritual journey (leaders! pastors!) are the ones who are attacked by Satan's wiles to distort God's purpose.

When spiritual strides are being made forward (your family, for instance, is a blessing to the community offering support and leadership) and of course there will be a UNholy response in the demonic world to try and steer you all off course from the blessing that God intends within marriage.

Since we cannot control the outcome sometimes of things that happen and don't make sense I just want you to know that God loves you no matter what happens just as much as I am sure that you love your children, and his love in unconditional!!! Remember HE will be faithful to complete the work he has begun in you and it may not happen the way we always think. He can work through our complicated choices for His purpose no matter what.

I will lift you up in prayer most certainly for your struggle that must be so hard for you and I know took courage for your to seek advice on. May the peace of God be with you!

Hello M.,

I can't help but wonder ... why is he (a pastor) so insistant of breaking the PROMISE he made in front of God to "love his wife as he loves himself." This is scripture from the Bible.

If he can't practice what he preaches ... how can people respect him.

I have friends who have very serious issues in their relationships ... yet they manage to work things out and stay together.

How can a man who preaches the word of our Lord disrepect his vows. God is forgiving ... how can your husband NOT be.

There is something more going on here ... if he isn't willing to work this out ... he is definately hiding something from you. My guess is ... another woman ... or (gasp) another man. Hey, you never know.

I smell a rat. Good luck and my God be with you & your children durning this difficult time.

M.,
I will be praying for you. I'm new to town as my husband just received his first call to a church here in Columbus. So I'm really new at this pastor's wife thing, but I will pray, pray, pray for you and your husband.

I read your paragraph twice because I wanted to make sure I was reading it correctly. I read your sentence "How do Pastors tell the church they have given up on their marriage." I was a little taken back by that because he's married to you and you should be more concerned with what he needs to tell you and the children than the church at this time if he's contemplating a divorce from you and the child. It's not just you he's divorcing, it's the children also. So many people will say, "Well I have no problem in providing for my child or children & I'll get visitation & on & on. It will never be the same!
There's a reason he wants out & honestly it's no ones business but yours & your husbands. You may know the reason, maybe you've been through counseling or maybe not I don't know. Usually the one person that suffers the most is the child. They will still feel the effects. You won't be able to hide anything. Divorce is very unpleasant! I think you need to sit down with him & find out everything that has lead up to this or as I said you may already know. For me I'd be more concerned about my family & not appearances. The world is changing at a rapid pace & I don't think for the better. Your congregation might not like the circumstances but they don't go home with you everyday either. I think they'll make out just fine.

I think your husband needs to re-evaluste his LIFE at this point. I am divorced, three years now. I see the loss suffered by both and how it has affected our health, our children's lives and the "stigma" that goes with divorce. In Ga., though, if ONE wants the divorce, the other has no choice.
How can he keep his profession? Council others? Look at what he is doing to his children and the woman he promised to take care of?? A minister, for Goodness Sake!!
I would INSIST on couples counseling. If he is having an affair, that won't matter, though. He has his mind set on other things.
It disheartened me to read this though. I don't put the clergy above all men, but I do think that they, especially, are called on by God to set high examples of living for the rest of us.
PS, I was married 35 years when I divorced my husband. It was a nasty affair and my adult children have still not forgiven him, not have I. In the end, he was the biggest loser. Your husband needs to weigh the cost of this in the LONG RUN.
Best of luck and God bless you,
Cathy

It seems you need some praying to do also and may I suggest you go to therapy. It is not easy going thru divorce, I have gone thru it. If you need to chat I am here for you

Marriage is the most difficult relationship any of us ever have. There are good times and bad. You are probably right, if he cannot work out his relationship within his own marriage he can't possibly pastor a church effectively. For the benefit of yourselves, your children and the church you shoud get into marriage counseling. I don't know what denomination you are but some do offer counseling for pators. Check around and see if it could be available to you. I would talk with other Pastors. Whatever is going on between you does not have to continue. It takes compromise on both parts. V.

God, your will be done. Amen.

M.,

First, I am so sorry you are faced with a potential divorce. You didn't mention how long you have been married or how long you and your husband have been in ministry. Do you know why your husband feels that things are hopeless? You also didn't mention whether you desire to stay in the marriage and see it healed.

My guess is that you have already been in marital counseling. That is always a good place to start even though it is hard for both parties initially. If you haven't tried counseling,that is the place to start. Just be prayerful about where you go. Perhaps this site will allow others who have benifited from marriage counseling to recommend a good counselor.

The obvious place to start is where you are-- at church. It would be helpful to call a private meeting with your church elders and let them know what is happening. Unless your church is completely independant of any affiliation, you should also contact your bishop or the person or board that your husband is accountable to. Keep in mind, that pastors and their wives are subject to marital problems just like everyone else; perhaps more vulnerable because your time and attention is often given out to others, leaving little energy for your own relationship. It is not uncommon for pastors and their wives, worship leaders and their wives, and other leaders in the church to experience serious marital problems. However,divorce is not the answer in most cases.

Your board of elders or bishop will be able to counsel your family, and counsel your husband in particular. What is customary in situations such as yours (in Bible-based churches) is that church leadership immediately takes action to remove some of the pressures and responsibilities from their pastor and provides some time for him to focus on his wife and children. Having a weekend off per month for a season allows you and your husband to separate yourselves from the ministry and focus on your family and your own personal relationship with God. They would normally provide counseling outside the church as well. Steps beyond that might include the church borad asking your husband step-down from his role as pastor for a season (while continuing his salary) while you and your husband work toward reconciliation.

Is your husband reconsidering his call to ministry as well as his committment to his marriage? Does he have an actual plan to start divorce proceedings or is he speaking out of pain and discouragement when he says that he doesn't believe things will ever change between the two of you? Has he thought through the consequences or ramifications of his filing for divorce? Does he think he can continue on pastoring or does he want a secular job and a totally different life? If this is the case, his desire for a divorce may be resting on much more than his relationship with you.

You are correct in your concern that a divorce has the potential to harm church members. The church is another kind of family and anytime a family is fractured or broken, everyone in that family suffers. The role of a pastor is much like that of a father. This is another reason to involve the church elders and start raising up prayer and emotional support within the church. (scriptures that come to mind are: "submit yourselves therefore, one to another,"," If anyone is sick, let him call for the elders of the church. . .", "When one part of the body hurts, the whole body suffers . . ", "Bear one another's burdens . . ")

If I could speak to your husband, I would remind him that the God he has chosen to serve is a God of healing and reconciliation. No relationship is beyond His reach. From scripture, we already know that God hates divorce and thus when you pray for healing of the marriage relationship, you do no have to doubt that you are praying according to God's perfect will.

You and your huusband need to speak with a third party who can pray with you and help find a foundation of agreement for you and your husband to rest your marriage on while the difficult parts of the relationship are dealt with using the wisdom and kindness that you both need to heal. Remember that as Christians, the Lord himself is our sure foundation. It is a foundation that cannot be shaken if both of you trust in Him and are committed to your marriage and your vows.

Pray as a family every day. "The couples who pray together, stay together" is not just a cliche'. Very recent statistics show that every area of married life improves when couples pray together: communication, forgiveness, and intimacy . . . while negative attributes of the relationship diminish: hostlilty, arguments and resentment.

Read the psalms daily and the promises of God found throughout the Bible. This will encourage you. Also pray and ask the Lord to give you wisdom in your words and actions to your husband during this season of conflict and confrontation.

My prayers are with you. God is faithful.

Will be praying. This is unfortunately all to common especially due to today's stresses in ministry and family. Seek Godly counsel. See if you can find someone who has been in a similar situation and walked through it. If your denomination/association has a confidential counseling ministry I'd seek help there first.

Dear M., I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too am the wife of a minister and we too do not have the best marriage. I understand how this feels. I believe you are only in this situation because Satan feels he can destroy your church by attacking your marriage. I agree with the other ladies who have said that you should try to get your husband to agree to some kind of counseling and try to turn things around, but while you are doing that you should try out the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian. She was ready to leave her husband when God laid it on her heart to pray for him instead, and we know they have been happily married and in ministry for many years. It is a totally different type of praying than you would expect. Also she said God gave her a very clear view of what their lives would be like if they divorced. How they would hurt and what would happen to their kids, where they would live, etc. It was devastating and enough to make her stay, so I would also pray that God would make it very clear to your husband what kind of harm he would be doing to you and your children and himself and his church if he goes through with this decision. This will harm your congregation and I believe the only way to keep that to a minimum is to leave the church before you divorce. My heart breaks for you and I will continue to pray for your family. If you would like to feel free to email me.
D.

I have no answers, but I am praying for you and your situation.
B. JM

As a pastor, it is unbelievable that he wants a divorce. How can you preach the word to your people when you can't even uphold the very thing you preach? I think he would have to step down as a pastor if he wants to pursue the divorce. Otherwise, I am not sure what type of religion you practice, but I know many offer counseling based on your faith. You should try everything possible to save your marriage and tell him that counseling should be the way. Also send him in to the doctor for a checkup. Sometimes medical issues make a person think irrationally.

Wow. I am so sorry for this stressful time. I would suggest that you try to talk him into counseling -- maybe from someone who has ZERO relationship with either or you or your church. That way, he doesn't have to worry that anything said in your sessions will "get out". If he won't go, if he is really has given up on the marriage, I don't see how it can be saved. I hope and pray that he will at least try. Perhaps find some scripture that supports your argument for trying to work it out. (you can start with the vows that ended with until death to us part.)

Good luck to you!

I'll be praying for you.

I will be praying for you, your family, and your church. In Dallas Willard's book, The Divine Conspiracy, he made the comment that God looks at the heart of the person. If a person's heart is hardened against another then not only is their relationship in jeopardy, but also that person's relationship with God is in jeopardy. Most pastors don't want to go to counciling, for the same reasons Doctors make the worst patients.

However, your ministry may also be in jeopardy too. Don't think that your husband is the only one in ministry, because all Christians have some sort of ministry, whether it be with their kids, their friends, neighbors, or strangers. Of course, this may also increase your ministry.

You say you go to a small close family-like church. If that is the case, then some of the members may have noticed your relationship or how your husband has changed. They probably won't say anything to you, because you are the wife. Now is a time to draw closer to your friends in the church. You do not have to say what is going on with your marriage, you should not even bad mouth your husband, or talk about some of those things. But being with them and drawing on their strength, if your husband decides that his way is the only way, then you will have support already lined up for you and your children.

I know of at least 3 pastors who are divorced. One completely left the pastorate and works in an office. One is still pastoring, but only has smaller churches. The other one is my brother's pastor, and I wish he would get out of pastoring, because he berates women every chance he gets (in his defense, though, his wife had several affairs and is now on her 4th husband, but still won't let him have full custody of their son). If your church is based on God's word and not the charisma of any one person, then your church will survive.

Like the others, I also suggest counseling. You don't need to stay in your denomination, but find another pastor or a licensed Christian Counselor (most are also ordained ministers). They will know the specific problems that occur in pastoral families, and are able to help you. If he doesn't want to go, then you find one and go. It will help you feel better to talk about it without it maybe getting back to your congregation.

I am so sorry to hear this. First as a Christian, and also as a woman who went through a divorce 16 years ago. How long have you been married? How old are your children? Tried counseling?

It was a very difficult divorce for me and my children were very young at the time. I felt like the Christian world viewed me "negatively" for getting a divorce, but many didn't know the circumstances surrounding it. I think it may affect the congregation and shake the faith of many, it will be in HOW this is lived out in the public eye as to whether it will easier for them to accept.

My ex wasn't a pastor, so I don't have that experience. He was having an affair among many other issues that could not be resolved. I loved him and though my life has moved on, I regretted not being able to work things out for us and our children. He was also unwilling to go to counseling or consider the changes that needed to be made to save our marriage. There is only so much you can do when only 1 person is willing.

I thank God daily for taking care of me in that trying time and for the man He sent to me, to be my husband and father of my children for the last 15 years.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you can work things out and if not, know that God loves you through it all.

T.