Disciplining a 2 Yr Old - Columbia,SC

Updated on January 18, 2011
A.P. asks from Columbia, SC
8 answers

My son has always been so well behaved and as soon as he turned 2 in Dec a switch flipped and I'm at loss as to what to do anymore. He has crazy attitude now! He hits, throws HORRIBLE tantrums, screams, hits HIMSELF, and throws things. I do not recognize him at all. I've tried time out or just plain ignoring his fits but I feel like it's getting worse rather than better. I have even spanked him a few times and it did nothing but have us both crying-him getting angrier and throwing an even worse fit and me feeling like the worse mommy in the planet. He's my first so this terrible 2 stuff is 100% new to me. What can I do???
Let me add that he is my WORLD and I'm definitely not saying he's horrible all the time. He's outgoing, adorable, and when he gives me kisses and hugs me tightly around my neck it makes me forget about all the bad that's been happening lately. Please help:(

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone! I got a lot of advice that was very helpful. Hayden is still having some trouble but he's just been better lately. I'm also trying to not "sweat the small stuff" and I'm sure that's helping too. We've had a lot of big changes within the past few months so I'm hoping that now that we're getting more in a routine and keeping him busy helps keep him in a mellow, happy mood:)

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

In spite of plenty of behavior that runs contrary to what Mom and Dad want, your son is not "trying" to be naughty. Children truly don't want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.

We busy, over-scheduled grownups want everything to flow according to our adult expectations, and have a lifetime of practice learning how to make that work. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and he will probably have a couple more years in which he just won't see very much from your point of view. He can't help it. Dawdling, digging in heels, and even tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than he's able to endure. Occasional stresses like travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.

Though your toddler won't ever behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration the two of you will experience during the next couple of years. While some steps require a bit of advance planning or extra patience from you, overall, you'll spend less time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.

1. When he wants something, empathize, big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little guy realizes you do care about what he wants, he's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from him. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no. They hear NO! so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

2. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.

There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that he gets to play with only at those times.

3. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)

4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though he's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

5. Try to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

6. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take ______ away, or a healthy treat when he wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

7. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

8. Be sure he gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers. And limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.

9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. (Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in microscopically-tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices.")

Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want from him will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want him to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

I wish you both well. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your son, and make sure he knows. Treat him with calm and respectful authority. And keep in mind that children crave attention and approval, and if he knows you're noticing his good moments, he'll try to create more of them.

6 moms found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

This is definately developmental.. just wait until he turns 3!!

Dr. Sears is a child psychology expert and has amazing advice on discipline tactics for his age:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I think Peg hit on just about everything I could have bothered to say. Just remember that it's his job, developmentally, to be asserting some of his personality and testing a little bit of autonomy. He's becoming so much more capable and interested in his world that he's likely to A. have conflict with the adult agenda and B. have opinions about things that aren't as lovely as we'd like!:) This will ramp up as children become three, so starting to find positive strategies-- much of which is in Peg's post-- for now will help create a strong foundation for future years.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Bravo Peg M.
Ditto

Also, don't be afraid of your kid.... he is just a kid, who has no idea about what is what. Toddlers this age are 'reactors.'
They are a rock collecting moss.
At this age, they do NOT even have, fully developed emotions, yet.
So... it ALL has to be taught to them... in a reciprocal relational manner.
AND they don't even know how to communicate yet, nor how to even have a conversation.

Keep 'expectations' age-appropriate.

This is all, developmental based.
EVEN the best of kids.... do this, and per certain age-junctures.

We must teach them.
We must have a relationship with them. NOT it being all about punishment or scolding. ALL day, that is what a child hears and how they are reacted to. No no no no no ... is all they hear.
Teach them other ways, of being....
See what floats their boat.... what their talents/interests are.... and VERY importantly.... teach them the names for feelings and how to express that... and that they CAN... express themselves to you.

My kids, if they tell me they are mad or grumpy, fine.
My son, even at 3 years old, knew the difference between him feeling "irritated" and him feeling "frustrated."
You teach them.... like a rock collecting moss.

AND teach a child, "coping-skills".... for their feelings or frustrations.
Not even some adults, have that 'skill.'
It has to be... .taught.

Many times...all the child wants/needs... is to know... that you understand them. NOT wanting to be 'convinced' they don't feel that way.
They just want to know... you know... they are mad. Then hug him.
Commiserate, with him.
When my son is irked sometimes, I will tell him "Yes, I know... some days are not easy.... but we have each other....." and I hug him. He gets happier, just KNOWING I understand... HIM.

As an adult, speaking for myself... when I am feeling icky/grumpy etc. And I 'vent' to my Husband.... the LAST thing I want is for him to tell me I am not supposed to feel that way or have him shun me and tell me go away. THAT makes it WORSE. But if I have a shoulder to lean on and someone there for me.. to HELP..... well, THAT is what, makes things.... more palatable and doable... for me. It makes things better.

all the best,
Susan

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K.R.

answers from Spokane on

I would just add to what Peg said that if you feel a consequence needs to happen, make it fit the "crime." If he throws a block and you tell him "blocks are for building, please keep them on the floor, " then he throws them again, you remove the blocks. You could say something like "it seems like you are having a hard time using the blocks properly and someone will get hurt. Let's go outside for a bit." Putting a child in a time out and then going back to the blocks doesn't make ANY sense to them, they need a clear connection. Try using the blocks again later in the day or the next day to show that you have confidence in him that he can do it, and to give him the chance to try again. When my som would have a tantrum I tried staying really calm and being available to him throughout the tantrum, but he just got increasingly out of control and as the months went by I got increasingly frustrated and short fused. With my daughter I took a different approach. When she started having a tantrum (not sadness, or frustration, but a "kicking screaming anger because I can't have what I want" fit) I calmly walked her to her room, told her "when you're all done you may come out and join us" and closed the door. She learned very quickly that a huge fit wasn't going to change my mind and we have NO tantrums now (again, being sad, hurt, or frustrated are all tolerated, but getting totally out of control and making everyone else in the house miserable is not). As your sons verbal skills increase, his tantrums may decrease. Good luck, and take lots of pictures of his smile, in a few years the tantrums will be a cloudy memory and the smiles will melt your heart and make you long for the toddler days again!

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V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

Can you give some examples of when he exhibits those behaviors? Could it be when he is overtired or overwhelmed? Could it be when he is trying to exert some independence over his world and isn't allowed to? Is it when he is frustrated by something he isn't able yet to do?

Often, around this age, giving him some control over his world can make a huge difference. Let him choose between to acceptable choices as often as you can. (Do you want to wear the sneakers or the brown shoes? Do you want to wear the green shirt or the white one? Do you want to drink water or milk with your lunch? Do you want to take this truck outside with us or this car? Do you want to read this book or this one?)....

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S.T.

answers from Provo on

Our daughter is 21 months old and she went through this "angry" stage. haha She would hit, pinch, scream, bite and throw things. We learned quickly to not lose our temper but to stay calm and talk to her that way. When she was screaming we would sit on the floor and try to get her to take a few breaths, and calm down. It really worked and now all we have to do is sit down and she knows we'll listen to what she is trying to tell us.
Time out for us consists of a chair in the middle of the room(we only do it for hitting or things like that) Our rule is one minute for every year they are old. When we put her in time out we tell her why and tell her "I'll talk to you about it when your min. is up" if she can see a clock I tell her when the clock says this time we'll talk. I never leave the room during this time I stay in the room but don't give her attention or any kind. When her minute is up I kneel down to her level and have her look at me and tell her why she was in time out and what she can do instead. I ask her if she is sorry. Most of the time she is and says so. When she isn't sorry she'll say so and I tell her ok and stand up and say by her then when she is ready to talk she lets me know. We've been doing this from the beginning (the first few times we held her on our laps to let her know what time out was then let her sit by herself) She has never gotten off the chair and knows she is not suppose to. And I do like what Peg said. Lots of good ideas!!

Remember this is just a phase and it's totally normal. Find your happy place during it and breathe :) Good Luck!!

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A.C.

answers from Springfield on

We used the "naughty chair" method when our son started acting up. He's 2 so you can put him on a chair and make him sit there for 2 minutes! We always give a warning and then we put him on the chair. After 2 minutes are up explain to him why he was on the naughty chair. He might not grasp the idea right off the bat, but it will sink in eventually. It didn't take long before we were telling my son that he was going to go on the naughty chair if he didn't make good decisions and he would stop and think about things before doing them! Learned this tip from Supernanny! I know it's cheesey, but it works! Good luck!

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