Difficulty Adjusting to Move and Preschool

Hi A.,
First let me say that it sounds as though you have a really good handle on what's happening here and causing your daughter's distress. Having said that, let's address the "Grammy" situation first. Your daughter's Grammy is representative of much more than simply the person she is, for your daughter. Grammy represents a link to the secure place she's known as her home for the whole of her little life. When she "clings" to you and wants to "play with Grammy," she is desperately trying to hold onto feelings of security. Please, validate for your daughter that it's OK to WANT to stay home and play with Grammy. Validation at all stages of development is SO important. Validate her desire to stay home. Then, address the reality that she must attend school. Validate her feelings of fear and loneliness in that situation. With each validation, you really want to pause before addressing the "needs of reality," to insure she understands that you understand her feelings. Once you've addressed the reality of the new life you're ALL building, inspire her with hope that she will soon have friends again and that the new home will one day feel much better than her first home. Be emotive and expressive in telling her this inspiring truth. At her age, it's true that she will eventually adapt with the support and validation she needs. If it's convenient for her Grammy to make regular visits, and this was your gut feeling, as something good for your daughter, it's actually a wonderful gift to your daughter and her Grammy as well. So many children today, given the demands of career persons to travel, extended family often gets lost. That is a sad situation for all. When Grammy is visiting, do you take advantage and make some "alone time" for your husband and you? There's no need to feel guilty about doing so, if Grammy is loved and capable of caring for your children, which it sounds as though she probably is. Since your husband is away a lot, this time for the two of you is essential and your increased closeness will benefit your daughter also. She will feel more secure when seeing "mommy and daddy" happier. Not that you're not happy now but the stress of your current situation could be greatly alleviated by taking a day or two away from home while Grammy holds down the fort. It sounds as though you are doing a great job of communicating with the school staff. Remain consistent with that. You're deserving of validation for ALL that you are doing to help your child adjust! By the way, there is a Montessori school in Tampa on Erlich Rd., in case you're interested. I hope this is helpful advise. --T.

My four year old son went through an adjustment period when he first started pre-school back in Hawaii at age three and then again when he started a part-time pre-school program here in Tampa back in March of this year. Whenever there's a major, sometimes even minor, transition in a child's life, there's bound to be some bumps along the way, but nothing that a little time, patience, and clever redirection can't fix.

When we moved to Tampa from Hawaii, the first thing my son made clear to us was that he missed his friends and teacher. This signaled to us that our first priority was to get him socialized on a regular basis with other children his age and to get him a new teacher. Once this happened, he started to come around and his need to cling started to diminish. Of course, to this day, we aren't above encouraging our son - others call it bribing - by telling him that if he gets good progress reports each week, he gets a special treat (usually a trip to the Chick-Fil-A playground on S. Dale Mabry, which he LOVES and/or a special inexpensive toy).

You're doing a great thing by hanging in there with your patience and looking for ways for your daughter to interact with other kids her age. With each passing day, your daughter will be less and less clingy, and she will actually look forward to playing with her classmates. I hope for the best.

WHAT I HAD TO DO WITH MY DAUGHTER IS GIVE HER A QUICK HUG AND KISS, TELL HER I LOVE HER, AND LEAVE QUICKLY. SHE CRIED, BUT NOT LONG AFTER I LEFT SHE WAS FINE. THE QUICKER YOU ARE GONE, THE QUICKER SHE FORGETS ABOUT YOU. SHE WILL NOTICE HER SURROUNDINGS AND FRIENDS. ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL, PREP HER. TELL HER GRAMMIE WILL BE THERE WHEN SHE GETS HOME, SCARE HER SAYING IF SHE KEEPS ACTING UP AT DROP OFF TIME, GRAMMIE WON'T VISIT SO OFTEN. GOOD LUCK! WE ARE NEW HERE TOO, ADJUSTING IS HARD. BE GLAD YOU HAVE YOUR HOUSE ALREADY. WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THAT STEP YET. WE'RE STAYING WITH FAMILY AND IT WILL BE AT LEAST ANOTHER MONTH.

Hi A.,

We had to change preschools for our four-year-old a couple of months ago due to declining quality at the old school. She says she likes the new school (and we are very happy with it), but morning drop-off was absolutely horrible at first. We talked to her teacher and the director, both of whom encouraged us to make a quick exit and let them take care of her. They say that staying for a while to comfort the child lets them know that you believe they need comfort, but a quick hug and a cheerful goodbye sends a signal that you know they'll be OK. That made sense to me, which made it much easier to do. She's still not thrilled to be dropped off in the morning, but it's getting better each week.

I've been here for eight years and Tampa is finally starting to feel like home! If you're interested in getting together, e-mail me at ____@____.com.

J.