Difficult Baby? Help! I Am So Sad!

I swear I think their personalities are developed at the time of conception!!!!
Each one is different. 5 kids 5 different personalities. My son was crazy
in utero and a wildman from the day he was born!!!!!!!

Children in the same family can have very different personalities! My first is the handful. He is almost 5. He is constantly moving, talking, getting into stuff, etc. The fighting the diaper changes was him as a baby. I had to hold him down with one hand and it was only safe to change him on a changing pad on the floor! There were a lot of toddler tantrums. By 2 I had started telling him if he gets upset and has a tantrum the answer is no and redirected him to ask nicely. I still have to remind him but he can calm down much faster now. When he was smaller (under 2) I just put him in his empty playpen until he was done with the tantrum. Since he loves people and attention he calmed down faster if I was ignoring the tantrum as much as possible.

Please don't feel inadequate or like you are a bad parent. Some kids are just more challenging. There are a few good parenting books out there about "spirited" and "strong willed" children that have useful tips. I was doing social work and family counseling before I had kids and it still did not prepare me for the child I got. As almost every post has already said, you are definitely not alone in having a harder to manage child.

Well I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you it sounds like you are a great mom who has all the bases covered. What ever it is, it isn't you. Kids are just different. But the way you feel about it is totally normal too, so don't go feeling bad about feeling bad. It sounds like you have another really bright girl who will probably do great things somewhere down the line. Maybe you will end up being the president's mom someday.

You said it yourself -- she's always been this way. Don't take offense if she calms down for dad -- just give her to dad and enjoy the break.

She's just a spirited child. She will probably thrive in life because of it. There is nothing wrong with her because she is spirited, she will just be more work than your other child. Don't worry, just learn techniques to deal with her. You're not inadequate. It has nothing to do with you, it's just her personality.

LOL! My second was, and still is, a handful. She is also super smart (a year ahead in school), charming and incredibly funny. When she was a toddler, she did things that almost sent me screaming to the looney bin! For instance, she figured out how to turn on the dryer. Ok, no big deal... except that she put an entire box of crayons in there and turned it on with a load of dry white laundry. Lemme tell ya, she was alone for 5 minutes, and I spent the next 5 days scraping crayon off the dryer drum, and threw away most of that load of laundry. Then another time she got hold of the Costco-sized bottle of hair conditioner. She was alone for about 5 minutes that time too, and filled ALL OF MY SHOES with conditioner! It's a good thing that kid is so cute because I swear I'd have killed her by now if she weren't.

But on the other hand, she is hysterically funny. I mean, she's the light of my life, she really is. But even now, I have to keep an eye on her because she is SO busy and her little mind goes a mile a minute thinking up new things to try and do - not all of them safe or a good idea. One of our cats is terrified of her to this day because 2 years ago (when she was 3) she painted the cat using green poster paint. Yes, really. The cat and my white carpet were never the same again.

Children like this are a real challenge as a mom, but you have to realize that you have a free spirit on your hands. These are the people who grow up and found companies, think big ideas, rule the world. You can't control them, and all you can really do is provide boundaries so they don't hurt themselves or others, and don't grow up to be obnoxious. Your little one will go places in life, and it's okay that she is who she is. You just have to hang on for the ride and do your best, mama! ;)

Oh wow how I can relate! My fourth is just like her. I tell people if he was my first he would've been an only child! Honestly he is hell on wheels. But everything that is hugely challenging with him is equaled by the things that are hugely charming. I look back and hate the fact that I couldn't wait for him to get through this stage or that since it does go quickly but at the same time it was soooo hard. He's four now and the scales are tipping. He's definitely more fun than work. Although he was challenging I always said I wouldn't change a single thing because that's who he was, a spitfire, hell on wheels with sweetness and a smile that could melt anyone's heart!

I think I have her twin!

Except that mine is now 17 months old and my third child. I think people assume boy babies are more active but my first two were boys and I don't remember going through what I am with her.

She is gregarious and flirty, demanding, and active. I am proud and at the same time terrified of her. It does not help that she has red curly hair so she is constantly getting recognition for this feature when we are out.

I want to wish you good luck and to know you are definitely not the only one out there!

My little man is one and he will do the back arch thing too when he doesn't want to be changed, I just sternly tell him No!No!, and flatten him out. Another thing I do as a pre-emptive strike is to have a sippy cup of something for him to drink while I change him or a special little animal. He has a Tigger and this fuzzy dog and he loves both of them. I think I started letting him sleep with one small animal about at your daughter's age. Both of mine are handfuls in their own special way!! By putting something interesting in his hands while changing or dressing him, he puts his energy there and laughs and plays. It is still somewhat like dressing a 23lb octopus, but it helps!!! Now as far as the arching the back thing and falling over what I did/do with mine is to put him on "lock down" in the playpen when he does something that is potentially dangerous and I allow him to make that correlation. For example, he was coming over and trying to grab everything out of the dishwasher when I would be loading or unloading it, ceramic plates hitting the floor is just not cool!! Like yours he is everywhere and so strong!! So I told him No!!No!! Of course he proceeded going after everything. I just calmly picked him out and put him in the playpen, which is in our living room. He could still see me, but couldn't roam freely of course. After a couple times of being on lock down the next time he came to the dishwasher and I told him No! he went about his business and played with the millions of toys available to him in the kitchen. So the next time she starts having a hissy fit and throwing herself around, just calmly put her somewhere safe where you guys can see each other fine. A couple times and I think she will get the idea!! So hopefully those couple things will help and try not to be sad, she just sounds like a spunky little baby girl!! :D

Sounds like you are a great mom with 2 beautiful girls! Please don't feel inadequate! Remember that God picked you b/c you are the best momma for both of them. :) Be consistent and love her for who she is. You will have trying days - no doubt! Of my 4 kids, #3 was a hard baby, toddler and stubborn and independent at a young age. I thought she was going to drive my husband and I and the 2 older kids crazy! Now she is 11 and just sweet. She has a love of the Lord and is loving, motivated and has this great dry sense of humor! In fact, she was the first one downstairs this morning for a quick snuggle with mom and now she is making eggs for the whole family...."by herself!"

I don't really have any advice, other than to tell you I FELL YOUR PAIN! I too have a ferocious little one who I struggle to keep up with. The only difference is he wasn't quite as mobile as fast. I've had/have bruises, bloodied lip, a couple cuts to the face. (From him hitting me with a toy or something.) He doesn't mean to hurt me, but he expresses his emotions physically. He also used to do this every time I bathed him, up until recently at 11 months old. He is also a generally "high needs" baby. (He needs to be held alot, he's very "intense", super sensitive, and hates to be taken care of by anyone but me.)
But, I know things have gotten ALOT easier for me as he's gotten older. (it's still exhausting, but it's better.) And I can only assume it gets easier and easier as the child learns to communicate. One thing that I started doing was trying to learn/teach him baby sign language. That way they can begin to express themselves and their needs sooner. So far my DS has only one sign (milk), but if I do others, he knows what I mean, he just won't repeat them back to me yet.
Whatever you do, don't feel inadequate!! You know yourself that some babies are easier/harder. All babies are different, and you are just getting great experience as a mother by learning how to handle a harder baby. And who knows, when she gets older she may be a total doll!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Just a tip when changing her- give her something new/ unique to play with. It will keep her busy, and keep her from flipping all over. I do this with my 8 month old. We're running out of "novel" things to give him, but we keep trying. :)

Hugs, Mama. My first was very difficult (and still can be some days!)

T.

My first child, my daughter, was the exact way as your first child. Very easy going, she NEVER throws tantrums and rarely gets mad. My son, who is now 15 months was extremely difficult. Only in the last couple of months has he started to be less clingy, whiny, crying all time, etc. From the start, he cried constantly, that is not an exaggeration, constantly. I took him to specialists and tried to watch what I ate (I breastfed) and nothing helped. I had to carry him all the time and I still do it a lot but not as much. He finally slept through the night for the very first time a few days after his first birthday. I had a very difficult time bonding with him at first because he was just so difficult and it tore me up because I felt like such a horrible mother. I could never get a break because no one could watch him because he only wanted me. He would scream if anyone else had him, if it was for just a few minutes or a few hours. I just took it one day at a time and once he started walking and stopped nursing (I BF him until he was 13 months), he started to get easier. He is still high maintenance and I just think that is his personality. I have come to appreciate his personality because I see traits in him that his father has and his dad is an incredible person and very successful and driven. Things will get easier, just hang in there. I know how hard it is and I got very depressed from time to time, but I just kept telling myself that he is healthy and perfect and he just needed a lot of attention. Things will get easier, I promise!!

I did! My 2nd cried for 4 months straight... even in his sleep he would whimper and cry softly... I really did think I was going to go crazy!

My first was/is this way. Just so much *more* - more active, intense, sensitive. I have to say, I am so thankful he was my first, because I didn't know anything else and I only had him to deal with. I think those who have their hard ones after their easy ones have a much harder time. Your post is pretty typical of what I've encountered - the wondering what you're doing wrong this time around and the sadness at not enjoying this one as much as you did the first one.

But it's not you. Every child is different, and each has his/her own personality. I won't lie to you: for us, our oldest child's babyhood was a sign of things to come. But we embrace the joys along with the challenges, because even though some days are hard, I know I will miss them as he gets bigger.

It's a sign of things to come (sorry) but the battles are different at each age. Mine is now 4 1/2 and has new skills that bring some relief and more problems. For instance: diaper change struggles are a thing of the past now that he is potty trained but he can now argue like a lawyer - which is exasperating!
I always feel inadequate when we visit friends houses. Everyone else's kids (even the younger ones) are capable of going off to play for 15 minutes or more without a disaster ensuing but DH and I have to swap off on actively managing him and getting to talk to anyone.
As time goes on I am getting more intuition on how to handle him and that gives me some hope.

Both my children are very active and were active babies. My son was especially hard and still is as a 6 year old. I was an easy going baby, child, and now adult, so why oh why did I get such a hard child? But I love him with all my heart. His sister (1 yr old) who definitely is easier in some ways than he was, but she is still extremely active and full of her own opinions already. Yes, they both fought diaper changes. I have no advice to give you except to celebrate your "hard" child's strengths. I just wanted to tell you I can relate!

Oh yes, some babies are more high need than others. I know Dr. Sears has some wonderful expert advice for you!

Fussy babies advice:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp

Discipline and behavior tactics for when she is older (and some may even help now):
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

I always joke about how the firstborns suck all of what is good and easy out of us (moms) LOL. I am on the same boat. The first was easy...easy gestation...easy birth...(out less than 30 mins from when I arrived in the hospital) ... easy baby (slept 6 hrs first mo)...easy toddler and now at 6 and first grade, cleans her room without being told...does her homework the day she gets them...generous to a fault...all around poster child of an easy going kid. My second.... hmmmm. Most days I have to let out a scream plus a curse word or two just to keep sane.

Do not feel too inadequate and when you start feeling sad, remember you could have had two of your kiddies with her type of personality trait.

Funny thing when the sleep over at grandmas, (After the wave of relief). It is always the rambunctious one that you miss the most.

You've gotten some really great advice so far. I just wanted to let you know that it may NOT be the sign of things to come. My first born was my terror and she's now 4 years old. Because she's always been so difficult the years that go by seem to make it easier. As she's grown and developed things have gotten better because she can now understand WHY things happen and WHY she can't do certain things. Don't get me wrong...melt downs are still a fairly frequent occurence, but seem to get fewer and fewer by the day. Like the other posters have said, the challenges these ones give you are overshined by the absolutely wonderful things they do when they're happy! You're doing nothing wrong! Every child is different and though it can be exausting it is not your fault and I'm sure your daughter will use that energy for great things some day! One thing that helps my daughter is a very set routine. If you can keep things consistent it seems to help and if you set a rule - stick to it! Or that smart little cookie will know how to manipulate and work around it! I've spent hours putting her back in time outs (stubborn!), but if you don't keep with it that child will walk all over you. So...hunker down and get used to the fits. Don't take it personal and make sure she knows you're still the boss and not going to cave just because she freaks out. That will only make things worse! (easier said than done...I know... it still pains my heart when my daughter is crying...but it's a necessary evil). Good luck! You are not alone and I'm sure you're a fabulous mother!

mine wasthe same way he is 2 1/2 and still that way. its not an inadequacy my oldest was like your oldest. just realize she is more rambuntious and is just a very busy child.

This is sort of going off on a sidetrack, but my guess is that she will turn out to be a gifted kid. Also maybe with some sensory integration issues. You should start reading up on both.

Our son was a difficult baby. I often tell people that I was pretty confident until I became a Mom and then I felt completely inadequate. I think it got better once he could talk...then at least we knew what he wanted (even if he couldn't always have it). He has a strong personality and can be challenging at times but I know that will help him when he's older. A strong-willed child can be tough to raise but remember they are often strong-willed enough to resist peer pressure which can be a wonderful thing later in life. If you are interested in books about difficult children, I recommend "The Difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki and "Parenting the strong-willed child" by Rex Forehand & Nicholas Long. Since your baby is so young, I'd start with "The Difficult child" because that one tells a lot about temperment and dealing with children of various temperments. The second book is for parents of 2-6 year olds that are trying to deal with behaviours at that age. Once your daughter is nearing that age, I'd highly recommend reading it. I really believe both books have helped me immensely.

You are not inadequate. Just look at all the wonderful things you wrote about your daughter.

If the birth order were reversed, you wouldn't even be having this discussion.

As to reacting differently with her father than she does with you:

A.) This just could be because she is with him less than with you. As the primary care giver, you are with your daughter more and therefore have more opportunity to witness a "freak out" moment. or

B.) She trusts you a bit more than her father. This is completely subconscious. My children know they can let it all out with me so to speak and that I am going to roll with them while they may sense their dad is a little less able to handle the unexpected or the naughty. I find that kids (no matter how young) will test their primary care giver more. How far can I push mommy? Will she still love me if I do this? And of course the answer is "Yes" but they need to test it to be sure.

She sounds like she is going to be one step ahead of you, her teachers, etc. for the rest of her life. She sounds smart and independent and risk-taking. All good qualities in a girl. When the freak outs come, try to involve her in the resolution. She doesn't wanna get dressed? Ask her if she would like to choose what to wear.

After reading this and a few of the answers I am scared to have my second one now hahaha. My son now is 10 months old is just the happiest baby ever. He has 6 teeth and is eating adult food but still gets his bottles. I kind of understand about the diaper changing things and dressing because sometimes when my son just wakes or is tired he does that. He also throws himself back when he sees his bottle lol. I am due with baby number 2 in May. And like one of the other posters said he first was out in less then 30 minutes after going to the hospital. Well mine wasn't that easy, lol I had 18 hours of labor but pushed him out in less then 20 minutes hahaha. Doctors were pretty amazed for a first time mom to be so quick. I'll have to take notes from you guys to know what to expect for number two which is a boy also hahaha. He already kicks like crazy. Good luck :)

I had babies like this and yes, they turned into "spirited children." During the ultrasound when I was pregnant with my oldest the technician couldn't find his kidneys because he was jumping and moving so much! It's just their temperament, although the oldest is now 14 and had mellowed quite a bit by first grade. I highly recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Raising your Spirited Child." These types of temperaments do have their advantages and you just need to learn to appreciate those advantages and to help her learn to make the most of her spirited nature.

CONGRATULATIONS FOR BREASTFEEDING!! :) :) YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THING POSSIBLE BY NURSING HER! :):) keep up the good work mom!!

my little brother (11 years younger) would do the head banging too. ouch. i cant tell you many things that hurt worse than getting bashed in the nose with the head of a toddler or infant. ouch ouch ouch.

number one thing i want you to do; breathe. this isnt about you. this is who she is. she is more active. you set yourself up for disappointment by even THINKING about who your first child was when talking about your 2nd. ask any parent of 2 kids (or more) and they will tell you that each of their children are SOOOOOOO different its like they arent even related. so your 2nd child being completely different; that has nothign to do with anything except that this is who she is. you have to accept that, get over what your first one is like, and get into who your 2nd actually is. this is who she is. dont try to make her be anything else. i know you know this, but its sometimes necessary to remind you that you are thinking of her in terms of your first. you wouldnt be so frustrated if you werent.

next; relax. many babies do this. does she seem to favor your husband? is that what you are implying her mood to mean? this is normal; and at least she has a connection to daddy right? i mean, that cant be a bad thing. :P

how does your husband handle her when shes freaking out? compare it to how you deal with her. it could be that she gets a reaction from you that she "enjoys" and so she keeps up the freaking out in order to get a rise out of you. for little kids, its sometimes exciting and fun to get a parent all worked up. how often do you give in to her? my husband had this opposite problem; our osn would get all worked up for him, but be fine with me. the difference was that i was and am more apt to ignore his freaking out and just get him dressed (or whatever the issue was) and my husband gts all flustered and eventually "gives up". know what i mean? so examine yourself to see what exactly is happening.

it could be teething. just because she has none doesnt mean they arent moving in there causing her some pain. try some tylenol or something to see if theres maybe a possibility there.

other than that, try happiest baby on the block/happiest toddler on the block. raising your spirited child by mary sheedy kurcinka. that book was a breakthrough for me; even though i didnt ever finish reading it. its great to know that your kid is just who they are. :) and that there are ways to deal with it. she just sounds like shes more intense than her sister, and thats normal and fine. you have to relax, accept who she is, that she is NOT her sister. :P keep telling yourself that. she is NOT her sister. she is NOT her sister. she is her own person, with her own feelings, her own life, her own attitudes, her own needs, her own wants. this is just who she is. its hard, and its gonna take some time so give yourself a break. try to spend some time with JUST her. leave your oldest with dad, or gma or someone, and take your youngest somewhere and do somethign with just her once in a while. thats the biggest thing with younger kids is that they never get that uninterrupted time with mom that the oldest kids get. so its harder for you to know them and its harder for them not to be jealous or something. so do that. maybe once a week dad takes the oldest and you take the youngest, and another day that week, flip it. even if you are staying home, and just in different parts of the house; or someone is inside and someone is outside. :):)

ok? well, just take it easy, relax. this isnt about you personally. you just have to get used to this 2nd child. :) thats all. its ok. dont be hurt alright! :) :)

LOL I know what you are going through. When my son was 8 months (my oldest was 3) he was trying to play with his brother. His brother had small toys that I did not feel a 8 month old should be playing with so I took that toy away and quickly replaced it with a bigger baby toy. he rolled on his back screeming and kicking and trowing a fit!!!! LOL I just sat there in shock as I realized my baby was having a all out tantrum LOL. His 2's were the terable 2's and his 3's are proving to be worse LOL. My Dr. told me that she see's a lot of this and by the time the child reaches his or her teens they are the best kids ever!! sigh I don't think I can beleaver her right now, but I am hoping she is right! LOL Good luck and btw I just had my 3rd child and she is the great baby just like my first!!! Are you planing on having a 3rd. She might be the middle before she is the middle LOL

Aww don't be sad, you aren't inadequate or a bad mother to her, you are just seeing the difference in Children. They say a baby will develop either auditory or fine motor skills first and may lag in the other. Your older daughter was an early talker, communicator and a late walker. My older two also fit into that catogory. Your younger daughter has her fine motor skills down pat and later on the others although she isn't behind by any means. Her interests when she grows up will probably be more in the physical abilities, baseball, volleyball, anything that gets her up and moving while your older daughter will be more into the communciation skills. She will be the teenager always on the phone and probably a wonderful writer. Enjoy the difference in your daughters rather then resent it. Once you understand the difference, it won't seem so sad.

Hi Mrslavallie.
Have you tried holding her more -- in a Baby Bjorn, sling, Ergo or some such thing. She might just need some more touching from you....It may help. According to the book "The Science of Parenting" touch is very important for infants and babies.
HTH. J.