Desparate for Help Regarding Handling Tantrums

I have to agree with Julie. Mine are 21 months apart and the older one is just looking for that one-on-one time they are so used to. I always asked him to help me when it was time to change diaper, he would get the new diaper for me and help get wipes if I needed them. We don't use a changing table, so his 'job' is to entertain her while I am changing her. She is now 11 months old and it is getting easier. She is starting to interact with him more and he has gotten really good at making her laugh. Again, it will get better. Looking back now I say the first six months were really hard, but giving the older one special attention is the best way to go about it.

Good luck!

Hi H.,

You sound alot like me. I had my second child when the first was about 18 months old or so. It is difficult, so just keep that in mind. You did not mention wether you are married or have a partner. I will assume you do. My suggestion is to each one of you spend some one on one time with each child, so that the older one doesn't feel neglected. It is easy to do with a new baby, because we feel that they need us so much more. But, in reality, the older child needs you just as much if not more than the baby right now. His whole entire world has changed significantly. At this age, he is going through so much: starting to feel a little independent but also still very dependent, testing the parameters of his world, and testing to see what you will let him get away with (or what is acceptable in your household). With my son, we did special things with just him: Dad took him to breakfast on Saturday mornings while I stayed with the baby. I took him to the playground while dad was with his little sister, etc. Again, it is difficult at first. Also, I think it is good to let him help with his younger sibling, hold a bottle, bring a book to read to both, etc. I don't know if I have the right answer for you, but it does get easier. Mine are now almost 2 and 3 1/2, and they get along pretty well for the most part. We still have our times when I think I'm going to go CRAZY, but overall, I really enjoy being mommy to two wonderful kids! Good luck, and hang in there! J.

I did a lot of research on this when my daughter started going through this.

It boils down to this... kids have tantrums because of a lack of communication skills. There are two kinds of tantrums and each is handled differently:

1. The fit because they are trying to do something (like put on a shirt, or put a cube in a sorter, etc.) and can't do it. They throw a fit because they figure something out. This is a legitimate one and you should always help them with this type of fit. Show them how to do what it is they are trying to do.

2. This is the fit they throw because they want their way. They want a cookie, a show on, they want something or want to do what you don't want them to do. This fit is bratty and not needed. This type of fit you always without exception IGNORE. If you don't you will feed into and they will continue to do them. If they see they get them knowwhere and nothing then they will not do them any longer. Never give in or you will get the fit again and again in hopes of them getting their way.

Good luck.. just take the time to recognize what type of fit it is and treat each accordingly.

My girlfriend had tantrum issues with her child and her ped. told her that a mutual time out was a good thing when a child is only trying to get their own way. She did this, told the child "You are upset right now and when you calm down, come see Mommy." Then she left the child to her tantrum in the nursery. Without an audience (of course this only works at home this easily), the child's tantrum was quick. Of course, the nursery must be a safe place for the child to be alone. Her DD would later come out, and hug her and it would be over. Just as you have cooling off time, kids need it, too. This teaches them that they can have their moments, but you will not entertain their lack of control. When they get it together, they can rejoin you and it puts them back into control in their own little world. Kids are entitled to losing it just like we do. At this stage, they are trying out boundaries and getting used to dealing with their emotions.
Her ped. also told her that her 15 month old son was not too young for a 1-2 minute time out like on Supernanny. (He is now entering the tantrum stage.)
My DD is 14 months old, I've seen little frustrations arise from time to time and I'm sure that I will see tantrums in the not so distant future. (We're also thinking about a #2 soon) I hope this helps. Good luck, and I think the other responses were all very helpful, too.
T. B.

H.,
My daughter is turning 3 in March so I understand your woes. My daughter is very strong willed and the last year or so has been very challenging for me. But one thing I have realized is I cannot control my daughter. I can teach her to be responsible for her choices by teaching her to say sorry, and through time outs. (sometimes I put her in timeout and sometimes I put her special toy in timeout) Second, tantrums come at any time any day and I usually walk away and say, "When you're ready to listen to Mommy we can talk." Or I put her in her room and let her have her tantrum until "she's done." And usually she calls me saying, "I am done." They're very narcissistic at this age and need to learn self-control. Not easy, but the task of a mommy. I also have learned to choose my battles. Emma loves to wear skirts so I have given into her desire, except when its really cold, to wear skirts--that's a nonmoral issue but if she was biting or kicking, that's a whole other story.
Hope this helps.
V.
First time Mommy of Emma (almost 3) who has changed my life forever.

Hi H.

I have a little one who just turned 2 today! She has a TEMPER also and loves to throw herself down on the floor and shout and kick (anything to get attention) when she doesn't get her way. What I do? I IGNORE her! After about two minutes of her following me around and screaming I get down to her level and in a calm voice tell her to "stop crying because I dont understand her" and usually she will stop the crying and give me a hug and a kiss and then I give her an alternate choice to what she wanted in the first place that she couldnt have. This usually solves the issue. I do admit it is EXTREMELY hard to ignore the tantrums in public places because people look at you when you are trying to ignore your childs fit like you dont know how to control your kid. Eventually I have learned to ignore them too! :)

HI MY NAME IS A. J AND I TOO HAD THIS PROBLEM WITH ONE OF MY CHILDREN WHEN MY THREE YEAR OLD SON STARTED THROWING TANTRUMS I COMPLETLY IGNORED IT BECAUSE WHEN I STARTED PAYING HIM MORE ATTENTION HIS TANTRUMS STARTED GETTING WORSE SO I TRIED IGNORING HIM AND IT'S HARD AT FIRST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM CRY LET ALONE HEAR THEM BECAUSE YOU THINK IT MAY BE SOMETHING WRONG FOR REAL. MY ADVISE WOULD BE TO SEE IF ANYTHING IS WRONG FIRST AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE HE JUST WANTS ATTENTION THEN KNEEL DOWN RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM AND TELL HIM TO LOOK YOU IN YOUR EYES TELL HIM TO STOP CRYING OR WHAT EVER IT IS HE IS DOING TELL HIM THAT YOU WON'T LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE IS CRYING TELL HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM AND YOU ARE HERE FOR HIM BUT IF HE KEEPS IT UP THEN I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN AND THIS IS WHEN YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR WORD YOU CAN'T GIVE IN TO HIM BECAUSE HE WILL PLAY YOU EACH TIME BUT IF HE KEEPS IT UP YOU HAVE TO IGNORE HIM FOR REAL AND TRUST ME IT TAKES TIME BUT WHEN HE HAS DONE IT FOR AWHILE YOU WOULD SEE A NEW OUTCOME. HE'S GOING TO GET TIRED OF YOU NOT PAYING HIM ANY ATTENTION AND HE'S GOING TO TRY IT YOUR WAY. GOOD LUCK AND AGAIN I'M ONLY GIVING ADVICE THAT I HAVE TRIED AND I GOT GOOD RESULTS TO THIS DAY EVERYONE TELLS ME THAT MY FOUR OLDER KIDS (5)(3)(2)(1) ARE VERY WELL MANNERED AND RESPECTFUL.

hi H. ....i' havin the same problem with my lil gremlin .she is 22 months .. when i don't get her somethings that she wants she starts to scream and cry like crazy ... and she gives me this attitude oh my god it drives me nuts ... but like the ladies said it better to give her space and don't let her control u . and tryin that really hard to keep that goin .. since a live with my dad and brothers . they keep on givin her anything and that is not helpin at all... but i'm tryin to do everything.
hope everything is goin well ... it seems ur a good patient lovin mother don't change that .. good luck

My son just turned 2 on Dec. 10th. He has been going thru his "terrible twos" since about 1. What I have found to be really effective is putting him in time out. I have a "naughty step" in my house which is the bottom step of my stairs. When he has a tantrum I put him on it and he hates it and screams and tries to creep off but you have to be firm and put him back on it, no matter how long it takes until he done with his tantrum. Just ignore the screaming, eventually he will realize he isnt getting your attention. Before he can get out of time out I tell him to give me a kiss to say sorry and he does and it works everytime. He does it to get a reaction from you and to get your attention. The more you give it to him the more he will see it works and keep doing it. By putting him in a time out and ignoring the tantrum will show him that it isnt workinig and wont be tolerated. He'll catch on.

Hi H., I feel for you ! I know those, and they are terrible. What I used to do with mine, was tell them If " you're going to cry then cry in the room, I'd put them On my bed and when they'ed try getting off I'd put them right back on untill they'ed stop crying. I know it works when they are about 3 and 4 but you can try it now.. I hope it helps ! Good Luck.