Defiant 3-Yr Old Won't Share

Well, I was raised kind of old school and I raised my kids the same way.
If something couldn't be shared, it got taken away and put away. Toys that can't be shared, can't be played with. It didn't bother the kid who didn't get shared with because the other kid wouldn't let them have it anyway, but it did bother the kid who didn't want to share in the first place.
If you can't share it, you can't play with it.
At school, he needs to understand that they toys or the train table aren't HIS. They are for everyone. He wouldn't like it if other kids wouldn't let him play. Or put things away so no one else could have them. He may like them very much, but in that instance, the train table is for everyone and if he can't play nicely, then he can't play with that toy.
Kids can become very territorial over things and I think to an extent that's normal. They want everything to be MINE. But, the truth is, not everything IS theirs and they have to share.
I did daycare and had a little kid who didn't want other kids playing with blocks. He didn't want to build anything with them, he just didn't want anyone else having them. So...the blocks were put away. The next time they were brought out, if he tried to take the blocks or knock them down, he went in time out. There were legos and blocks and he wanted them ALL. He was offered something else to play with or he could sit in time out. His choice. But he didn't get to have all the blocks and keep them from the other kids. Finally he decided that building things together was more fun than not getting to play and share at all. It took some doing but it worked.
I kept it pretty simple. If you can't share, you don't get to play with it. They always choose sharing.
Sharing is something kids learn. And they don't always like it at first. I just always made it simple. If you can't share something, you don't get to play with it until you want to share.

3 is actually a really good age to begin teaching the sharing thing.

Best wishes.

My son was very similar to yours (and still is, sometimes!). What we've found that works best is to start with something that he doesn't really care as much about. My son's hot button toys all had to do with trains, so we had him practice taking turns with a toy car. He would play with it for one minute, then we told him that it was his brother's turn. Brother played with it for one minute, than he had to give it back. They played this way for a while. We lengthened the amount of time, and now they know that when we say "turns", it means they will have another turn to play with it.

Other than that, nothing really worked for us. If you find something that works well for you, please send it to me, too!

I can't help but wonder if your expectations and your thinking of your son as defiant aren't part of the problem. Since I'm not there watching the interactions, this is only a guess, so please let it go if it doesn't fit.

But kidlets have a very hard time coming to terms with not getting/keeping everything they want, some more so than others. And the less opportunity they have to receive that simple satisfaction, the harder time many of them will have with sharing.

Have you tried simply acknowledging and supporting his perceived need to just hang onto "his" things? Once that basic and natural need has been satisfied, he may begin to let loose with less anguish.

Watch this (and other related videos) to see Dr. Harvey Karp interacting with tantruming kids. He gets into their heads first, and then guides them into alternative behaviors. Very, very effective with my 4yo grandson. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g

That seems very normal for a 3-year old, especially if he is a young 3.

Try to talk to the school teacher and see if he/she has any ideas. If you both use the same method and wording then you will reinforce each other and he'll catch on quicker. If you use the word "turns" then the teacher can reinforce that by letting him know he can have a turn, but then he has to let someone else have a turn.

Also, let him know which things are his and which things are everyone's. Don't make him share things that are his, at least at this point. How would you like it if you were forced to share something of yours that you didn't want to? It's okay to say "can your friend have a turn?" but if he says "no" then don't force it. I don't believe that kids should be forced to share their own possessions because that leads to them being more selfish and they never get a sense of "ownership" which leads them to believe that nothing belongs to anyone. Instead, sharing should be their choice, and by giving them the choice they are more likely to want to share. You'd be surprised at how many kids will tell you "no, I don't want to share my toy" and then when you're okay with it, they turn around and share it anyway!

He does need to share things that are NOT his. You can help him differentiate between the two, and so can his teacher.

I'm sure he will grow out of it. And don't worry, it's typical 3-year old behavior! If he's really into trains, perhaps you can get him one as a birthday gift and let him know this is HIS train, but the ones at school belong to everyone!

Our babysitter used to tell us "When you want your 3 year old to share, then you must share your husband, car and house!" How do we expect a 3 year old to share their personal belongings but we don't...?

Erin,

How much does he like Trains? Will he choose these above other toys? How is his language? Does he have a very large vocabulary, but some difficulty with pragmatics (takes you litterally?) How are his motor skills? Do you struggle with food choices or sensory issues?

If any of this hits home, I would suggest that you see a Developmental Pediatrician. Just a hunch.

M.