Deciding on Whether to Have a Third Child

I've been exactly where you are. It was a very emotional time for me but my choice was clear. My relationship with my husband was much more important than a "dream" I had as an unknowing girl. I came to realize that it was time to count my 2 blessings and move on to the next phase of motherhood. As much as I enjoyed being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding, this phase of 10 and 12 is awesome. If you are grateful for all you have and have experienced, I believe you'll find a solution.

I don't know the right answer for you. I have a boy and a girl (4 and 13 months) and have been saying I was done since the second was born. I had a rough pregnancy and a painful emergency c-section that got infected with the second baby. Even if I wanted a third I'd be over 40 and my doctor would probably advise against it. Still, I hold my daughter and I'm sad she is my last baby. I sometimes wish she would have a sister (but I would not want another boy!)...but there are so many reasons not to have another--lack of money, no space in a small apartment, health reasons, etc.

If you are younger then it makes sense to wait 6 months, a year or more and discuss again. I am old enough I don't want to be pregnant over 40 even if I could get pregnant then. But there is always adoption.

My husband was your husband 2 and a half years ago :) In fact, we were both SURE we did not want any more kids after two (a boy and a girl, 14 mos apart). Then he went to get snipped and as we signed the paperwork I started to cry. I didn't even know why and I didn't know that I was even sad until that very moment. I wrote a very similar post to yours at that time, and I received so many responses but ONE struck my heart and made my decision. Another mama wrote to me and said, When you look back, twenty years from now, you might regret not having another baby but you will never regret him or her once she is here. She went on to say that she had made her own decision not to have another and it was something that caused her sadness for years and years and to this day (she is in her late forties now) she regrets that decision because she knew in her heart that she did in fact want one more. Mine are 1, 4 and 5 and I will tell you that the ONLY regret I have is not having my baby closer to the 4 year old but there are advantages both ways. The dynamic with 3 in our house is so awesome and although it spreads you thinner, those "needy" years go by so fast. Just picture your current family in 10 years, as you sit around the dinner table. Do you feel like someone is missing? I only ask b/c that is what I did and I just felt that we were not complete yet. Now I do for sure and I can really say that we are DONE. lol. And btw, our baby is so obviously my husband's favorite it is not even funny. He won't admit it out loud, but I know. He is his little princess and can do no wrong. :) Good luck w/your decision!!

Wow, you are in a pickle. Since hubby is on the fence about having another child, I would tread lightly. While the off chance of you getting pregnant again will be okay with you, right now for hubby, I don't think it would be a welcome surprise.

As for whether or not to try for a 3rd, create a little checklist for your self. There are the general things like needing another crib, carseat, CAR!, clothes, etc. but think of the little things too.
When you are rushing out the door, think to yourself. How would I feel right now if I had a 3rd child to get ready and get out the door?
When you are having quiet time. Think, if I had a baby right now, what would I be doing? How would I feel?

Do you have any friends/family that live nearby that have a baby? Perhaps you could babysit for a night or weekend? That would give you a feel for what having a 3rd would be like.

Good luck.
M.

wow, i could have written that 4 years ago. after i had my son and my daughter, i knew without a doubt that i needed (not only wanted, but needed) a third. what robyn wrote about feeling like someone was missing was absolutely how i felt. i remember laying in the hospital bed minutes after having my daughter, my second, and as i tried to nurse her and she latched on, i had such a clear knowledge that i was going to have another, there was no doubt. and then, much to my surprise, hubby knew just as clearly that he was done, especially since we had a boy and a girl. well, its a very personal decision, you cant really let anyone else tell you what to do. what i did was to convince my husband. i told him i just had to, that i just knew we werent done. most people would say that was wrong, and maybe it was, but i just knew we were meant to have another. we had our third baby 2 years later, and we are so in love with him its just ridiculous. the house is crazy, money is tight, we are outnumbered, i am exhausted, (however, he is the first one of the 3 that actually sleeps, so there is some mercy :)) ...the logistics of everyday life are completely different. everything from cars to strollers to diningroom sets, its all a bit of a challenge,,, but my little man is such an incredible blessing. and hubby tells me all the time how thankful he is that we did it, and i know he means it. we are all so crazy about tyler, even the other 2 kids, they cherish him. he brings us all together somehow, i dont know what it is. and i still want to cry when i see a pregnant girl or a newborn, i do cry often, i want it again so so badly, but i know its only the pregnancy thing and the newborn thing,,, as far as actual children and our family, i know we are complete now. i am thankful every day, i am so blessed. all i can say is to go with your gut and talk about it and how you will feel down the road. best of luck to you!

Do you have to decide right now? Why not wait a a year or two and then broach the subject again with your husband?

I had a girl and a boy two years apart, and when they were little, it was fun but exhausting. I had a tubal ligation after the last one because I couldnt imagine myself wanting three kids. However, two years later, I regretted my decision. Mine are teenagers now, and wonderful kids, but I still wish to this day that I had a third child.

My advice is, don't rush into it if you are not in agreement, but don't close the door on the idea either. Most of all, enjoy what you have. You are so blessed.

I so relate to you. I have a 5 yr old daughter and just had a son who is 6 months. I'm 38 yrs old. My 5 yr old is very independent, my newborn is strictly breastfed and still doesn't sleep thru the night. I'm hopeful he will eventually. Your desires and hopes in having a 3rd are very normal. I am still uncertain if my husband and I should have a 3rd. My husband however, would love for me to be excited about planning for a 3rd, while I wonder, can I handle it. I'm guessing what is more important is to remember that family planning should be done responsibly and it's not so much about us, but what we know we have to give to our children. Only you and your husband know what you are capable of giving your children in order to have and maintain a healthy balanced home and future for each of you. If you can be honest with yourself and agree with your husband's reasoning for being satisfied with two children I'm sure you'll find that it will be in the best interest of the whole family. However, only time will tell. Your challenges and struggles today may seem like they will never end, but then, alah!! a light at the end of the tunnel can give your husband renewed vision and desires and planning for a 3rd can be possible. Right now, an 18 month old is challenging. Give yourselves some time, enjoy your two right now and revisit planning for a 3rd in a couple of years if possible. Hope all works out for you.

My advice is to wait 6 months.
If you still want a baby...there's time isn't there? If you are still breast feeding it may be hard to get pregnant anyway.

Is there any reason you can't wait a while? your husband may change his mind when the "baby" is weaned and sleeping better and life is a little more settled. Be patient and revisit the idea later rather than worrying about it now. I said we would ONLY have 2 regardless of gender. I am holding the 3rd child (6 months old) on my lap!!!!! We now have 3 girls and we are done - a mutual decision!!!! A.

that is a tough one. Yes he might be right but in the other hand you might enden up resented that you did not have the 3 child. every chid is different my third child is a breezy, my middle one some challenge there, and my first born also easy so try to convince your husband.

Hi,

This is not exactly advice, but I agree that waiting a bit is okay, and it is a great idea to try to get some one-on-one time with your husband (weekend away, etc.) which is hard with a nursing child, but doable. We are sort-of in a similar position--my husband asked to stop at 2, but periodically will remark on how great our kids are and how much he likes them (loves them quite obviously, but we also LIKE them a lot!) and I asked him "hypothetically" if he saw us down the road with more than just the two. Putting it that way, he says yes, but he is in school half-time and working half-time, so it is not completely an option now. I think you should both be in agreement, but one thing for both of you to consider is that your family is who you are--you as a couple, you as parents, your children who love you. I have never met families who regretted the planned or unplanned "extra" child, but many who look back and wish they had had just one more. Unless you are in very dire straights, immediate finances are not the only consideration. I hope that helps, but with my own 3 1/2 year old and 18-month old boys, I completely understand wanting one more right now! :)

It sounds like, for the present time, you already have your answer: refer to your second to last sentence above. It also sounds like you realize that it's important to have you both want this third child. Your youngest is still so young, maybe you can shelf this topic for now and revisit it again in another year or so....you never know how either of you will feel or what your lives will be like then....good luck with your decision. By the way, my husband and I thought we would have 3 kids also, since both of us have 2 siblings, but after 2 and much thought about if for about a year, we decided against it, and I don't regret our decision for a minute. You just kind of get on with your family of 4.....

Hi there
I don't know how old you are, or whether you still have plenty of time to think about this. If you possibly can, I would wait a little and see how you feel in a while. Your kids are still little so there is no rush. My two are nearly 5 years apart, and I have to say that has been a very nice age gap, so don't feel under any pressure that you have to have them close together if you do have another one.
Also your feelings can change with time. When my younger child was between age one and two, I was sure that I wanted another one. We were moving house, so we even factored in space for a third baby when we were choosing a home. But we left it a little while, and I found as my little one got older that the desire to have a new baby faded, and I began to really appreciate the benefits of having older children. We could do much more as a family, more varied activites, eating out, travelling etc. I began to feel that it wouldn't be fair on the older ones to have to stop a lot of that if we went back to square one with a new baby. Also my own horizons expanded (I had been a full time mom), I began some interesting part time work and started studying for a postgrad degree.
Now my little one is almost 5 and will be in school this year, and I have no regrets about the decision not to get pregnant again, and I have made my final decision that we will stop at 2. I do feel with fewer kids that you have more time to focus on each of them as indivuduals, and life is less chaotic. Also I sometimes think the bond between siblings is stronger when there aren't so many in the family.
Your husband's views are very important too. Just keep talking to him about it - you don't need to decide now.

I am a member of a religion where having multiple children is the norm. Most of my friends have between 5 and 10 children, well one does have 12. I only had one and really missed on having more but it just wasn't in the books for me. I wish I could have carried another child, or two or three. You can wait a bit since you are still nursing a child. Your husband may still consider your child to be just a baby yet and not even time to think about more kids.

One of my friends who has a smaller family had dreams when she was younger of her future children and she knew she was going to have a boy, then a girl, then another boy. She new their faces, their smiles, she said her heart recognized them. Her husband only wanted 2 children after they had one of each. Since she had some difficulties getting pregnant she went along. Every time she sees a little boy you can see it in her face that she's saddened by not having her last baby boy. She feels her family is not complete.

You can't make this decision for your husband. He has to be on board or he may resent you. But you may resent him too so you both need to hear the other. You say he has a list...do you have one too? You have to feel good about the decision. That inner peace. So you don't resent yourself too.

I you only want another child if your husband will be thrilled, and he says he will not, then you don't want one. You may have thought in your heart that your husband didn't mean it when he said he didn't want any more kids, but when someone says something, they usually mean it and you do need to take him at his word and not assume he means something else because you want him to.

Maybe his mind will change at some point but you must be prepared that it will not. Is it necessary to make a final decision right now? Are you in a hurry due to your own age? Kids don't have to be just a couple of years apart. You and he could discuss this again in 2 or 3 years.

I always wanted to have 3 children. People thought it was wierd that I'd want another child when I had a girl and a boy, but that was not my ideal family. In the end, I had to decide not to have the third child due to health issues. It was hard to know that I wouldn't be able to have that, it took a lot of time to be okay with it.

Good luck

I feel your heart. I have three blessings but both my husband and I come from a family of 4 each. So, when we got married 13yrs ago, we both agreed on 4. But after the third child came, I was overwhelmed. I had two boys and we sure wanted a girl. The girl as well as her brothers have been a blessing in our lives. The second one is somewhat a challenge, but they are all very good and very smart. Nonetheless, they even want to have a baby sibbling. As soon as I was able to I had my tubes tied. If it was up to my husband we would have a baseball team :) Since my baby girl started to be more independent I started to miss those baby days, years; and sure wanted another one. But I truly can tell you that I am very happy with my three blessings. They are 11 (12 in July), 9 (10 in March) and 8 (9 in Sept). Hannah is the youngest in our family so there isn't any other little girls in the family that she can play with. But that doesn't stop her from having friends sleep over :)
With a bigger family if you don't have the financial means, or the physical help, it will be a burden for you both, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and even spiritually. Maybe as your blessings get older you can talk about it with your husband again. Give him time to see that everything can work out. He may not tell you, but he may be overwhelmed with just two and can not think of anotherone right now. In all, I can tell you that even when I wish I had anotherone, I do not regret the decision of just having three. Even to go on vacation it's an ordeal; because most places are oriented for families of four! Just give both of you some time if you have the time. If you don't have the time, you need make your list, sit down and discuss this with him again. But overall I would say, pray, pray that God can show you your husband's heart and that your husband can see and feel your heart as well, so you both can be better understand one another. I pray and hope that it all works out for you guys.

Wait a year, make sure you get good couple time (including sex) in in the meantime. No matter what your decision, there will always be times where you will feel that yearning to have a newborn - even if you end up with 10 kids! It is easier to do things the fewer children you have, but it is also nice for the kids to have each other as playmates as well. There is no magic "right" number for any family.

If you wait a year, but also enjoy each other, your husband will be able to see if he really feels like he is left out, and you will have a little more independence and be almost out or out of diaper duty and can see if you really want a third. And if you both decide you do want a 3rd, the kids will still be close in age, and your body will have recovered more and be better able to handle the pregnancy.

Good luck