My son is 10 yrs old and in 5th grade. He will be 11 soon. He is ADHD and we did try medications from 2nd to 4th grade. Prior to meds my son was making very good grades and had pretty good conduct. He was happy and very social. I had him tested at the end of 2nd grade at the advice of a teacher and it came back that he is in fact adhd. Since that time my child has been on many different medications and had a ton of side effects from high blood pressure, studdering, high liver levels, depression, attempted suicide (2x) and the list goes on. He does not remember the first half of the fourth grade at all. I made a decision to take him off all medications and the Dr. agreed with me that he was not a good fit for meds. Since then we do all natural with diet, vitamins exercise and so forth. The meds never helped his grades other than bring them down. So now here we are in the 5th grade. First year with no meds and it has been really hard for him. The teachers have given up on him and made that pretty clear. His grades are either right at passing or right under so anywhere from 65 - 72. He does fantastic with his tutor one on one but struggles in the class setting. Today I received a call and he missed passing his reading Staar test by two points. He gets to re-take it and the principle thinks that if he passes I should allow him to go to the 6th grade and that would help him. My thought is if he is struggling this year and I let him go on how is that going to help him next year. I don't want to hurt him but education is so important and I know he can do this work.
What are your thoughts? He gets tutored 3 x a week and does great. The Tutor thinks I should let him advance as well because of his self esteem being so low and continue with tutoring in the summer to catch him up. I'm really torn.
GREAT Questions: He is only ADHD with no learning disabilities. I had him tested for that again this year. I have him in Behavior Therapy once a month. He is doing very well there. I have him in Tutoring 3 x a week and doing well there. I do have 504 accomodations like sitting close to front by the teacher. Testing in small groups but that is only for the big test like benchmarks and staar; He gets his homework on Friday's so he can start over the weekend and have more time to complete. The Math teacher stated to me that without meds my son is un-teachable and she can't help him. I have reported this and was able to move him to another teacher 2 days a week only. I did take him and re-visited the idea of meds but again the Dr. agrees with me that is not a good idea. He would be going into middle school for 6-8. I have visited with them and the classes are shorter. He would be moving from class to class so more teachers.
I am overwhelmed with all of the great advice. He is my baby, however I push myself not to make him a mama's boy. He has chores and responsibilities that he must do or no extra's. He just graduated from cubs to boy scout and did a fantastic job. He will be a lot more independent in that area. He is really proud of himself for his accomplishments. He is a go getter in this area. He is not having any side effects right now because he is on NO meds and the Dr. agrees with me on that. I have an appointment with the counselor next week and the VP will also be there and we are going to talk about it. In the meantime I have found a person that I know that does home schooling. His Tutor brought it to my attention and we are going to work on this during the summer. If he goes to 6th grade it will help him with a bit of a head start and preparing. If I decide to hold him back it will also help him there. I am leaning on letting him move forward IF he passes the Test on May 12th, which I truly believe he will do. He has been reading all weekend and very enthusiastic about it. I see some light in his eyes with confidence. I will keep all of your posted. Oh and as for Charter Schools, I have looked into them and looking over some information. Possibility there but I think I like the homeschool better. Thanks to everyone of you and I will continue to update.
UPDATE: On Friday the school pulled my son out as promised to help him succeed with his reading. YEA. When I picked my son up he told me that he had a few "Mis Haps". He said they were reading a story and he started laughing as did a few other kids. He told me he got in trouble for it but did not get mad pulled it together and finished his work. He said he felt really good about it. YEA again. Today I get a call from the VP and she tells me that my son's behavoir was not good on Friday and gave me the same story that he gave me. I told her I already had a talk with him and he had to take this seriously and try really hard. He seemed excited and eager and said he could do it. Again YEA. She (VP) then states that if he does it again today they are taking him out and he will get no additional help. Are you Kidding me. Then she tells me that even if he passes she doesn't know if she is going to allow him to go onto the next grade. I am so ticked right now. He has tutoring tonight and I am not going to upset him with this. I have placed a call to the district. I am just pulling my hair out here. Sorry just venting. What are your thoughts? Am I doing the right thing?
First of all I want to thank everyone for the comments and advice. This has not been an easy task. So I wanted to let you all know what happened. My son did not pass the STAAR text on the second try. He completely went into a panic. When I picked him up that day, he just broke down into tears and said he only answered 9 problems and was so scared. He was calling himself a failure and I reassured him that he was not and never would be. I told him we would finish the year out and that nobody needed to know and we would start homeschool. The following day he went to school and the wonderful teacher (ya know the one that is a Dr. and so dang supportive) kicked him out of class as soon as he walked in the room and let him know she did not have time to fool with him that her focus was on kids going to the next grade. The kids all laughed at him and he became very angry and upset. The school called me to pick him up and he told me what happened. After school let out I called the teacher to find out what he did to be thrown out of class and she said he did nothing that she just has no more time for a kid that is unteachable and not going to the next grade. GREAT teacher isn't she. I totally lost it with her and let her know exactly what I thought and let her know that I am going to lawyer up. I have also reported to the ISD, along with the Princp, and both VP's. Nobody at that school will ever lay eyes oh my child again. I did contact a lawyer and my sons rights have been violated by preventing him from having a public education. I am not going to go after them but a letter has been sent by my attorney and I hope they are scared to death just the way my son was.
So on a Wonderful note.......I withdrew my son from school the day after he was kicked out of class. He has been home schooling with a retired teacher that I found everyday since. He is doing fantastic. When she gave him the diagnostic tests, he scored some on 5th grade level but some 6th grade level. He is relaxed and so proud of himself. If he gets all of his work done he has no homework, which he loves. It has been about three weeks since he started and I could not be prouder of him. I plan to have him home schooled minimum 5th & 6th grade.
Thank you again to everyone. All of you are fantastic
It doesn't sound like holding him back would address any of his issues, so I would not. It doesn't sound like you have a team in place in the school that is working to help him succeed. That is what I would work on.
Don't think holding him back will help. Sounds like his problems are much greater than ADHD. I would have him evaluated by a psychologist at the very least.
In my past life, I was a teacher. I was part of the committee that decided whether failing students should have to repeat the sixth grade. It was extremely RARE that we actually voted to retain a student. More and more research shows that there are few benefits to retention. And that often times, the extra year does not help a child "Catch up".
ADHD alone does not qualify your child for an IEP, but it does mean you can get a 504 plan in place for extra services for your child. A 504 may give your child extra time to turn in assignments, it may mean he gets the use of technology...basically a plan in built to help your child be more successful. My friend has an ADHD child, part of their plan is a special mat on her seat to help with "the wiggles". If you child has other learning disabilities, then an IEP may be in order.
I would encourage you to allow him to move on to the sixth grade. Retention at any grade level, but especially older grades, can be a serious blow to a child's morale. Continue the tutoring. And really push for services. Be vocal and pushy if you have too. Instead of letting teachers "give up" it's time to call out your inner mama bear and get everyone tools to help your kiddo.
i agree with the tutor.
i knew a girl that repeated 5th grade and it didn't help her at all, she was still barely passing but then added social issues.
i would have the tutor summer school your child and move him to the next grade. if that fails consider having the tutor be his homeschool teacher and not send him to school.
How does your district break up classes? Is he going to middle school in the fall? Or is he staying where he is? If he's going to be in a new school, I would meet with that school. How will they help him succeed?
Also, does he have an IEP? When you say they've given up on him, what has the school done? What should they have done? What support have you tried to get for him? Is it more than just the ADHD?
ETA: Really? Un-teachable? So how is it that another teacher can teach him? Why only 2 days a week? What about the other 3? Is he wasting his time in her class?
Anyway, I would see what you can do to get him through 5th grade, keep up the tutoring through the summer, and be sure his 504 follows him to middle school properly.
My 9 year old is ADHD-Combined and is not on medication. Like your son, she experienced a lot of negative side effects that made the medication really not worth it in her case.
I did some thinking on this subject, and in the end, I decided that it wasn't fair to my child to expect her to fit into the very narrow mold of ability and behavior that is expected in public school. The primary/only focus is on testing and test prep, sitting still and doing worksheets. This is not the best way for ADHD kids to learn. I ended up pulling my daughter out of public school and going with a Waldorf curriculum at home. This has been fantastic for my daughter - the curriculum allows for creativity, hands-on projects, and there is absolutely no busy-work. She's able to complete her work in ~3 hours per day, which leaves plenty of time for her to run around and play (she's about 10 feet up in a tree in our back yard right now). Her behavior is so much better now that she is able to get enough fresh air and exercise, and now that she isn't forced to try and sit still and do worksheets 6+ hours per day. She is 1-2 grade levels ahead at this point in all subjects, and it's only because I'm teaching her the way she learns best, not because we are doing anything fancy.
So, if you can, consider homeschooling him. If you can't do that, look into Waldorf or Montessori schools in your area.
I really feel like this is the age when you do not want your child to internalize the message that he's stupid. It sounds like, with the self-harm, he is already feeling that way, and as a parent, I do really feel you can turn this around. But probably not if you leave him in an educational system that is constantly reinforcing the negative messages, and where they're teaching him in a way that is simply not effective for him.
I feel for you. I was there two years ago. It CAN get better. Best of luck!
What does your son think? Is he ready for middle school? How does he act socially?
I probably wouldn't hold him back, but just increase supports. Behavioral therapy twice a month instead of once, extra tutoring if needed, IEP planning, etc.
I think I would not hold him back, but push for more accommodations.
Why should testing in small groups only apply to benchmark tests and not all tests? Since he seems to work well with the tutor, I would ask the tutor for specific suggestions of things to put in the 504. The tutor knows what helps your son learn, and maybe he can be a resource for you by giving you ideas that you can then use to help push the school to handle this more creatively.
If that really doesn't work, he may be a good candidate for an alternative style of school - a charter school or online school maybe?
Good luck to you and your son.
What does he want? I think you should take that into account.
He might do better in middle school with more teachers. At least then he won't be stuck with one teacher who deems him "un-teachable." What a terrible thing to say. Obviously she isn't the greatest teacher in the world.
I wouldn't worry about STAR tests, they aren't really relevant to your son's education.
This is tough. I would lean towards extra tutoring over the summer so he is ready for 6th grade. It sounds like you are do so much for your child and I would imagine you would be willing to give him a Summer school type tutoring experience.
Does he have a lot of friends in his grade? If he does not get along with the kids then I can see holding him back to give him a second chance.
In our district it is really hard to hold the child back. I have heard of several families trying to, yet the school pushes them forward because they meet the minimum standard.
My son received special services based on his ADHD diagnosis. If he isn't passing his reading tests and his math teacher says he's "unteachable" then he's eligible for all kinds of special education. Not sure what your school district is like - but even in middle school my son was in the resource room every other day and got readying help.
I realize that some kids have reactions to medications - but did you go to a child psychiatrist or your pediatrician? we had to try a few different medications before we settled on one that worked. I realize a child psychiatrist is going to be costly - but this is your child and he's more valuable than a car - and we take out loans for cars.
I'm not sure if I would hold him back - that would depend on his size and maturity. If he's a small kid and immature that extra year may make a huge difference for him - and it may actually help his confidence since he'll have been through the curriculum already. But if he's a big kid and he'll be freakishly tall compared to the others (that was my son - already a head taller than the kids in his grade) it may be worse.
My son didn't respond to diet alone - we had to use medications. But I had to figure out what kind of a learner he was as well. Classroom learning was and still is a struggle for him. he's in 10th grade now and finally coming into his own now that he's involved in IT and engineering classes. But middle school was tough - the expectations are ratcheted up - and if he gets any kind of specialized classroom time he may lose the specials. Becuase he had reading and resource room my son wasn't able to take shop or art class until 8th grade. There's a lot less activity in middle school too - no one runs around the playground during lunch time. So it was tough.
Had my son not been so much taller than all the kids his own age we would have definintly left him back a year at kindergarten. but with lots of encouragement and very positive relationships with the school teachers, testers and special ed people we muddled through. My son who could barely read in 1st grade (lowest in his grade), was jsut below grade level in 3rd grade and jsut at grade level by 8th grade now has earned 9 college credits in 10th grade and is becoming an IT and engineering whiz kid.
Read the book "A Mind at a Time" by Mel Levine and "The Way they Learn" (I don't recall who that author was). Find your son's strengths and encourage him in those. He is great at something. Help him find it. Work closely with the teachers - they spend more time with him than you do. Ask for suggestions. KEeping them on the friendly side is essential. They are a great resource.
Bottom line - many kids are not built for classroom learning - especially boys. Until 150 years ago - back to time in eternity, boys learned how to do life at their father's side. They learned to hunt, farm, build a house, be a blacksmith or whatever as they grew up. They learned by doing. Sitting in a classroom for 6-7 hours a day is not how we are supposed to learn! If you help him figure himself out and gain confidence in the things he's good at - it will transfer over to his school work. Somewhere around 8th grade the lightbulb went on for my son and he began to organize his own work, track his assignments, know what to study for, etc.
And pray. I always tell moms to pray for their children. God cares about the details of his life - He has great plans for His life. (jeremiah 29:11)
Sounds like he does great with one-on-one teaching. Have you considered getting him out of the classroom and homeschooling him?
I agree with the other posters that 1) the school should be accommodating him somehow. If you really feel like they've given up on him you may want to remind them of/ request an IEP or look into another school that fits his learning style better. 2) he should have a voice in this. He obviously knows it's a struggle and can help weigh the pros and cons. Especially like his peer relationships- would this mean not getting to be with his BFF anymore, or would it mean getting away from those kids he feels uncomfortable around and getting a fresh start?
I'd also add that, to answer your question, he is hurting already. The one thing parents often say about not wanting to hold back their child that I don't agree with is that it will hurt their confidence. By the 5th grade I'm sure he's already aware of his academic challenges and is having confidence issues. Holding him back could help him address it. My bet is all the catch up work and tutoring, on top of everything else going on, is stressing him out and making things worse. If you hit the pause, so to speak, you could both relax a bit. He might appreciate the chance to do that, especially if you help him see that it's not that he's not smart, he just missed a lot and now gets a do-over.
Hi S.,
I can't really speak to the specifics of your post. What I can say with confidence is that if your Mommyalarm is ringing you should absolutely listen to it.
We kept our DS back in elementary and he repeated first grade. It was the best possible decision we could have made for him. His issues have never been academic but social/emotional development have always been a challenge for him. This extra year gave him so many more opportunities to work on himself in those areas. It sounds to me like you son could use some more time as well.
My thought is it's better to hold him back now rather than have to consider it in middle or high school. the transition from elementary to middle is very challenging and you don't want to set him up to fail and end up hating school.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not coming from a place of judgement. I'm just trying to share my experience to hopefully shed some light while you make this VERY difficult decision.
My last suggestion is to be sure to ask him his opinion. While he doesn't get to make this decision, knowing his thoughts and feelings will help him to understand that this isn't being done to him but with him. He's old enough to have a voice.
I've walked this road with mine and I wish you and him all the best during your exploration. S.
I'm not going to repeat what a lot of ladies have said here - I think you've gotten good advice so far. What I do want to say is that if he isn't working with a counselor to help him feel better about life in general, then he needs to be (he seems that he is still pretty depressed, though I don't know if that is just a product of medication side effect or because his life stinks so much due to all this drama at school).
One thing I want to point out is that he is 10. He is not a baby. You ask if you're hurting your baby. I could be wrong, but I'm going by your own words here. Don't treat him like a little child. You need to give him the opportunity to be a big boy and treat him like he is growing up. That means giving and expecting responsibility of him. If you don't, you will hold him back in many ways. As much as you love him, don't make him a "mama's boy". It will boost his self-esteem a lot for you to have age appropriate expectations of him, even though I'm sure that right now it's hard for you to see that.
Keeping your son at a school that given up on teaching him would be a mistake. Promoting to middle school is one option. Have you looked into charter schools in your area? Texas offers many tuition free charter schools and you live in a very large city that should make one accessible. The class sizes are typically much smaller than public schools. That should really help your son get the more one on one time he needs to succeed.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of supporting your sons needs, I applaud you for that! Best of luck in making this decision and please keep us informed of his progress.
Please give him the chance to move forward. I know how hard this decision is but I sincerely do not like to see the social struggles kids go through at this age.
Things I'd consider. IF it's lack of meds then repeating the grade won't help, he'll still be distracted and won't succeed. Doing it again won't help. He is ADHD and doing it again another year won't make any difference. Is he suddenly going to stop? No, it's an mental health issue not a cognitive issue such as not being ready.
I wish he could take Ritalin. Our guy took it and it was like night and day. He took a whole pill at school when he got there then took a half pill at lunch. By the time he got home it was totally out of his system. It was wonderful.
I liked knowing it was gone and not hanging on like time release stuff did. I was grateful. I just wish your boy had been able to do meds. When they work it's wonderful.
Have you tried having him drink a high caffeine drink right when he gets to school? It will speed up his brain function and he should be able to concentrate better. That's how the meds work on the ADHD brain. They speed it up where it syncs up and works right.
Back to the topic.
I think he's not doing bad as he could be because his tutor says he should pass. Please just give him the chance to move on so he doesn't start having behaviors due to boredom.
Poor guy. I am sorry you are both going through this. I don't have any experience in this area, but a couple of thoghts that are just shots in the dark.
What does he do over his summer vacation? What does enjoy doing. Maybe a sport of some sort will help boost his self esteem.
It seems to me that for every challenge a person has, they are exceptional at something else. So is he really good at a sport, even the off the beaten path sports, archery, pool, shot put, swimming, etc. Or does he enjoy animals? Horseback riding or caring for animals. What about art or computers? There is something out there for him.
Perhaps somehow something else will equate back to his school lessons.
He needs something positive other than a dumb math teacher stating he is unteachable and can't be helped. I don't suggest repeating that number. SMH!
Wishing the two of you the best.
