Death, How Do I Explain It to My 2 1/2 Yr Old?

I'm very sorry for the challenges you and your family are facing.
I would encourage you to be honest but brief with your children. You will likely be surprised by how much it won't affect them right now. However, it may also surprise you how much they remember and how positive they can be down the road.
Try not to use the word "sick" without explaination, but be very specific about why grandpa is sick. Young children associate "sick" with everything from a cold to cancer and can not yet understand the difference. My concern would be that the next time you get a cold they might think you are going to die because you are "sick".
Don't be surprised or upset if it doesn't affect them much right now. You might get a response like, "OK, can I go play". It's not that they don't care or won't be sad, they just don't carry the same grief or guilt that we do as adults.
Our son passed away last January at 3 months old leaving behind four older siblings (ages 2, 3 1/2, 5 1/2 and 9). We limited their time at the visitation, giving them private time for questions and good-byes. We arranged a slumber party that night with a family friend, allowing them some fun and us the time we needed to receive guests and process our grief. At the funeral we involved them throughout the service and they presented gifts to keep him company on his new journey.
It's our parental instinct to want to shelter our children and protect them from any hurt or pain and try to preserve an innocense for as long as possible. They are more resillient than we think sometimes. In difficult times, the insight of a young child can be the relief that grieving adults need.
Our children talk about their little brother often and it is very positive. They speculate about their different ideas of heaven and they remind us that he is in our hearts. It's OK.
It is better to explain death in a positive way and teach your children that it is a natural process than let them wonder why they don't see grandpa anymore or be scared by the unknown.
As far as involvement in visitations or funeral services, it is up to you and your husband/partner. If you decide to have them participate, I would encourage you to have someone there to watch them as you will be preoccupied with family and your own time to grieve. Just as your children need time to understand, you will as well.
Positive thoughts to you and your family as you work to heal. All the best....

First thing I was warned about is don't use the "....is sick" phrase. The children will associate it down the road if someone just mentions it when they have a cold or such and the child will fear losing them.
I found a couple of books on amazon that may be a start.
http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-C...
also suggested were :
When Dinaosaurs Die by Laura Krasney Brown and Marc Brown

Whats Heaven? by Maria Shriver

When Someone Dies by Sharon Greenlee

Badgers Parting Gifts by Susan Varley

Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tommie Depaolo

When Someone Special Died by Joan Singleton Prestine

http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Help-Grieving-Child-Guidebook/...

http://www.amazon.com/I-Miss-You-First-Death/dp/076411764...

If you attend church and have a priest, pastor or minister they might be helpful in sitting down and explaining this with your child. Be sure to take lots of momentos for both children and if your father is in the shape for it maybe have him write them a personal note to put in a time capsule for them.

I had read before that someone had put together a "grandpa's briefcase" for their children and put lots of "treasures" in it and made some games up to let their children interact with grandpa whenever they felt like it. I couldn't find the link, but maybe if you search the prior questions on this site you could find it in a previous note.

I am sorry for what your family is going through and pray that you be brought strength and peace. I don't look forward to the day I have to do this for my boys.
C.

Death is a very hard part of life to explain. I used to think that I wouldn't take my son, and in fact haven't. But, he had to be exposed to it eventually so I took him the last time and he was fine. Kids are able to deal with things so much easier than we are sometimes.

I think you are right on track with the Heaven response. Follow your heart on the viewing. Use pictures to remind your little one of her family that is gone.

Peace be with you.

S.

Hello A., Buy your son a photo album, then fill it with pictures of your father. Good luck. S.

Dear A.,
I am so sorry for your sad situation. I hate to think of losing my own parents, and I feel so lucky to have them be a part of my children's lives.
I think your explanation to your son is good. You obviously want to keep things simple at that age. Sometimes too much information can frighten kids.
Would it be possible to put together a little picture album with pictures of your dad with the kids? Because they might not actually remember the time they spent with your dad, but you can help them to know him through your stories, pictures, and your memories. Have other family members contribute some of their stories and pictures.
I guess I don't think that taking them to the visitation is a good idea. The 2 yr old just won't understand, and it might be scary for him. Is your dad in any kind of condition that would allow your son to see him before he passed?
Again, I am sorry for your sadness.

Dear A.,
We just went to my Grandpa's funeral last week and I took my 3 yo daughter. We read a couple of books by Maria Shriver that I think were titled "What is Heaven" and "What is happening to grandpa". My cousin also approached her 3 yo daughter by showing her an anatomy book. She just kept it very medical- didn't want to associate dying with being sick or old- and said see these things inside us that make us work. They stopped working and grandpa died. Now we will put him in a wooden box and bury him. We also said, his soul went to heaven and his body is left here. Everyone is sad & you will see adults crying because we are sad we won't be able to see grandpa anymore, but we can talk to him anytime because he can always hear us.
Neither of them were scared and they both said goodbye like big girls. As long as you go back to showing your kids pictures and passing on your happy stories/memories- they will never forget!
Just bring things to keep them entertained (coloring books, cars, snacks, etc.) or just have them there a short time. Don't expect too much of your kids around a room full of sad adults.
God bless your family at this difficult time.
~J.

HI A.-

I send my well wishes to you and your family. I have unfortunately got some expierence in this subject. I lost my sister less then 2 yrs ago to cancer, and she has 2 small boys. One was 4 and the other just shy of his 3rd birthday. Both boys knew [ more so then older] that mommy was sick. After she passed away a friend of mine gave this awesome book to me called "WHEN DINOSAURS DIE". It has nothing at all to do with dinosaurs but the characters in the book are dinosaurs [ young/old/in between]. It is a story book and it talks about every aspect of death... ie.. when someone is sick and they cannot get getter, when an accident happens and you die right away [ car accident], when older people die, when sometimes a baby dies.. it is VERY CHILD FRIENDLY. and discusses what to expect [ funeral, burial, different cultural things], saddness, and feelings.. etc etc.. I highly recommend this book to you and anyone else who has recently has to deal with death.

I am so sorry to hear of your father's illness.
Keep your discussion simple and honest. At that age a little goes a long way. And then ask if he has any questions. Again keep your response simple. We as adults sometimes go to far with our responses with little ones.
Yes, take your kids to the viewing. My 3 kids (15, 13, &10) have been going to funerals since they were baby's. It makes death a natural part of life. Surprisingly as they get older they will come to enjoy parts of it like seeing their cousins or relative who we don't see often.
I have lost my father, and my sister in law. The way we keep them in our kids lives is use opportunities to talk about them and remember with them when ever we can. We also make sure we have photos around so they can be remembered. Good luck

Definitely spend as much time with your dad, as possible. Take pictures, create a scrapbook to 'read' to your children. I read in a recent magazine (Family Fun / Parents or something of the like) how a mom created a briefcase or suitcase (considered Grandpa's) and laminated photos of him as well as pictures of things he liked and placed it all in the case. When the kids pull out a card, the mom could share a story. There were things from recipes of his favorite meals (where the kids could help prepare), family traditions (what they were, how they started), hobbies, career, various memories the mom had of her father....so the kids felt they knew Grandpa really well. You can add more cards as memories come to you. I wish I could recall the magazine, as my description probably isn't doing it justice...it was a really neat and touching idea.

I would simply tell him that he's going to heaven or going to be with the angels. I'd keep it very simple. If it helps, we had to put our family dog down in February (my son turned 2 in March) - my son still knows who the dog is, we talk about her and he still has the connection. I'd think Grandpa played a much bigger role where your son would be asking about him/talking about him for quite some time after. Keep pictures out and keep talking about your dad even after he is gone. The more he hears you talking about him, the stronger the memories he has will be. You can tell him about memories of their experiences that were early enough that he doesn't know...but he'll feel like they are his own. (For instance when kids say that mommy & daddy held them in the hospital when they were first born, they know this from what we tell them, and from pictures we share...)

As far as the viewing, that's your call. I think they are young enough that they won't have any qualms about being there (no nightmares or even memory of it later) - but your son will probably be restless and want to run and play (which can either make you frustrated and add to the stress of the day, or help add some much needed joy in a time that is sad). If you feel you do want them there, you may wish to bring some toys and even have a sitter who can stay with him so you don't have to worry about cutting conversations short or chasing after him - or have someone take them home shortly into it.

It's very sad to lose someone you love. I'm sorry....

A.-

My father-in-law died when my son was 18 months old and then we lost 4 grandparents that my son was close to, and he was almost 3 when we lost the first of the 4 grandparents. At 2 1/2, your son may understand more than you give him credit for. This is what we did... we brought my son to the visitation, but not to the funeral. He needed the chance to say good-bye, just as we did, which is why he went to the visitation. He saw Grandpa in the casket and we explained to him that he was no longer sick, but was now with the angels in heaven. (You can obviously explain this to him however you practice your faith.) We went up to the casket and verbally said, "Bye Grandpa. I love you." We did not take him to the funeral because this was the time for me and my husband to grieve and direct 100% of our thoughts on our feelings, not on worrying about whether or not he was going to be quiet... My son was obviously too young to remember anything about my father-in-law's death, but we have snapshots of all of the grandparents on the side of our fridge and call it our 'wall of angels'. He knows who all of these people are and we talk about them almost daily. Sometimes I talk about them, but most of the time, he talks about them. Your son will not forget your father. You will have pictures visible and be able to tell him stories about him, which will keep him in his heart forever. My son does not remember my father-in-law, he was too young when he died... but he definitely knows him. We talk about him all of the time. You have a trying time ahead of you, but don't be afraid to have your son be part of it. When he sees you cry, it's okay to tell him that you're sad.

I would not go into too much detail with a 2 yr. old. I, personally would not take him to the viewing either. I don't even like to go to viewings. Your son probably won't remember him but with a nice photo in the house he will know and as time goes by you can tell him nice stories about his grandfather. I know this is a very sad time for you but be strong for your children and try to remember all of the good time. God Bless.

my daughter was about 3 when my husbands grandma passed away, she still remembers ger two years later, kids really don't forget things keep pictures around. she went to the viewing of another grandparent recently and so did my 17 month old, they both were able to look and touch their grandpa for the last time its worth it plus our family new kids would be kids and didn't expect the best behavior out of them it made it easier to know them running around wouldn't bother anyone, it actually cheered up their grandma to see them there.

I just lost my father in June and my nephew who is six is having a hard time. I talked to a couple of professionals and they said the best thing to do is not to tell the child that your father is sick, for if the child associates "sick" with "death" they might think that when they get sick they will die as well. They said the best thing to do is to talk to the child about your father and to make a memory box. In the box would be things that reminded him of his grandpa...pictures, toys, etc. That way he will always have this special box of grandpa that is still here when your father passes. I"m not sure about the viewing...that would be a decision for you; if you do take him, have your child make a picture to stick in your father's coffin as a way to say, "Goodbye and I love you." That might be the closure he needs but don't be surprised if a couple of times he tells you he misses him...its normal.

You are going through a hard time too so make sure you have some extra support in place for you. Good Luck!

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your family now. I just experienced that same thing with my father who passed away in April. He was in hospice care at his home from December until he passed in April. I have a 6yr old son and a 2 year old daughter that were not as close to my father as I would have liked. I wanted them to be closer and to have good memories of thier grandpa so I took them to visit as much as I could. They became MUCH closer during that short time and they have fond memories of my father. I explained to them that thier grandpa was with the angles and that he was no longer sick. I did tell my son that grandpa had cancer just so that he would not associate being sick with dying. I also told him that grandpa was with his mom and dad and that he was very happy. Whenever I ask my children where grandpa is they tell me that he is always in thier heart. I did bring them to the visitation and the actual funeral but I made sure that they came with my mother and father in law. My in-laws actually had them for the entire three day process. I highly recomend if you have someone that can take your children and bring them to the funeral home to do so because you need time to be the child who needs to grieve. You need time that you don't have to be strong in front of your own kids. Remember this is your dad that you are talking about. Both of my children are just fine from going to the funeral home. It gives them a sense on closure. I hope this helps you at the very difficult time. Just remember to always talk to your children about your dad and that will help keep his memory alive.

I think it would be too much for a 2 1/2 year old. I would gather all the pictures available of your son and your Dad together in happy times, frame them and talk about the family moments surrounding the photos whenever he asks about your Dad. I am so sorry about your Dad.

I don't have first-hand experience with this since my grandparents passed long before my son was born. If you have a camcorder, I would suggest arranging a visit between your son and his grandpa and videotape this visit. This way he can watch the tape anytime and remember him. I'm not sure how to explain death to someone under 3, so I have no advise there.

I am so sorry to hear about your father. I have a 5 year old and a soon to be 3 year old. Last summer we lost my grandfather. I brought both of my children to the hospital once a week or so until his last week. That is when he got really bad. Prior to his death we had had two other close relative die. Each time I explained to my children that they were very sick and had to go live with God. My children asked a lot of questions like when are they coming back. I just kept explaining that once you go live with God you can't come back but that we can still talk to them. I also created a photo album and talk about my grandfather all the time so that they will not forget them.

My children have also been to more viewings and funerals then most adults. I come from a very large family and a lot of them are hitting their 80's. I just told them that whoever it was was sleeping and that we will not be able to wake them up. They did not find it traumatic at all. Of course I explained it all in advance so that they would know what to expect, including that mommy and grandma etc. will be crying because great papa went to live with God.

Hope that helps!

If there's still time to take some pictures before he's gone, do so. Maybe even with your son in too. Then he'd be likely to remember that one moment. Otherwise, I'd skip the viewing with him. I get the feeling it'd be a little too much.
You could create a scrapbook and have him help you. Or go through photo albums and enjoy the pictures and memories with him about your dad.

There are child appropriate books. Ask at Barnes/Nobel or Borders.

But "Remember when you had that cold and felt really sick? Well Grandpa got sick too. And God wanted Grandpa to move in to a brand new home where God lives in Heaven. Good neighborhood! And Grandpa won't be sick anymore when he goes to live there. But we won't see him around here anymore. And we'll be sad for a while, but we'll always know where Grandpa is".

My condolences, A.. I remember when my grandpa died. I was around 4 and I can still remember it like yesterday. I recall being at the funeral home, and I cried my eyes out. I don't think it was a positive experience. You may want to pass on that. And handle remembering Grandpa with your little one a different way. Take photos if you want (I did when my dad passed away). Then you have something to refer back to when he's older.

My condolences go out to you. We were in a very similar situation last year when my husband's Grandma had a heart attack. She lived through that, but the hospital gave her 24 - 48 hours to live. We were very torn on how to handle it with our two daughters. After talking with his mom and Aunt we decided that we would bring our almost 4 year old (she turned 4 two days after Grandma passed) to the hospital to say her final good byes. However, we did not think our 2 1/2 year old could handle the condition that Grandma was in. Depending on the condition of you father, you may offer that opportunity to your son. We also go a copy of a book called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" to read to our girls. It's long and wordy, and took a few readings to get through it all (we broke it up), but it seemed to help.

As far as memories go, no matter how hard it is for us to talk about Grandma we do often. Our oldest remembers going to Aunt Linda's to be baby sat and visiting with Grandma (who lived with Aunt Linda), our youngest will talk about visits. We also make sure there are a lot of pictures on the walls of Grandma. That seems to help them. During the Summer we go to the grave at least once a month and talk about Grandma then.

We had two viewings and then the funeral and we took the girls to the afternoon viewing with us. We allowed them to touch Grandma or talk to her as much as they felt necessary. Most of the time they were comic relief to the family. We were constantly worried about their behavior, but everyone else was saying that they were fine and helped keep the spirit light. The evening visitation my mom watched them for us, as it had been a long day for them and needed their sleep. We took them to the funeral as well, and although our youngest couldn't stay quiet, they did quite well. Again, when the family filed by Grandma to say our goodbyes - we allowed the girls to set the pace. I believe that they even gave Grandma a kiss goodbye. After the graveside service, the girls seemed a little stressed so we skipped the luncheon and everyone understood. Now, I won't say there weren't downsides. Our girls remember the funeral home (one that we drive by weekly) and usually comment on it being "Grandma's funeral home". Our youngest thinks that Grandma lives in a hole and that when we die our bodies will go down the little hole the flower urn sits in at the grave site and our "Casper the Ghost" will go have supper with God, Grandma & Grandpa in Heaven. However, with time they will sort those details out, and neither of them seem traumatized by the whole event.

One of the words I remember Aunt Linda saying in the hospital and as we planned the funeral was "To involve the kids only in what we felt they able to handle." I think those words were very important to remember and also guided our decision to only bring the oldest to the hospital. Keep them in mind, and maybe let your son set the pace in what you do. Have a back up plan in case he can't handle visitations (someone on your husbands side that could come and get him if needed). Only involve him to level that you think he can handle. However, I would definitely give him the chance to say good bye in some fashion. That way he knows that Grandpa is "gone" and doesn't think he just disappeared on him.

A.,

My mom died when my boys were 5 and 2 1/2. My youngest doesn't remember much about my mom, but often recites times they shared, mostly because we have talked about it so much. Both my kids know on Mother's Day that I am sad because I don't have my mom. We try to be as real as possible about death.

Both my kids were at the viewing, and have been to others since then. Children don't think of it as traumatic, because they don't know that it's supposed to be, does that make sense? At the time, the funeral home was a fun time for them- all of their relatives and close family friends were there to play with. They didn't even notice the body until the actual funeral. It also is a great reminder for all who are grieving to have children there, to remind everyone that life goes on. Be sure to ask some family and friends to be help watch over them at the funeral home (I was lucky to not have to ask- so many people volunteered)so you can accept the comfort of those who come to visit.

There are some good books out there, but 2 1/2 is a little young to explain much more than everyone dies and goes to heaven. Answer his questions if he has them, but don't feel like you need to go into much detail.

One thing I can share about allowing my kids to experience the grieving process from a young age- we had to put our 14 yr old dog to sleep a few weeks ago. He became sick and went downhill very quickly. We explained to our kids (now 7 and 9)what we needed to do and why, we all went to the vet together, cried together and said our goodbyes. I was the only one who stayed in the room during the actual procedure, but my husband and kids came back after he was gone to say their last good byes.

It's been very sad for all of us, but I feel like I've done this part right in my parenting, as they have been able to express their feelings openly and honestly with us, their friends and their teachers. I was four when my grandpa died and was not allowed to attend the funeral or anything and I remember for a couple of years after I was confused and upset.

Most of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Losing a parent is a very painful experience. Don't forget to take care of YOUR needs as well during this time and afterwards. Take care.

T.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I think it would be a great idea to make a scrapbook (picture book) for your child. Also a nice slideshow would be great. Always talk about your dad so that your child never, ever forgets him. God bless you and your family.

Hi A.
I told my daughter we go back to where we were before we were born. Our first home. I also said Great Grandma is now her guardian angel. We put her picture in a start frame and put it on the christmass tree. We talk about the cycle of life, how the trees loose there leaves each year, that it is natural to die.
And to keep the memories we talk about what the person likes with each season. Nana's favorite trees are birch, we have a contest who can see the first cardinal in the winter, first robin in the spring. We tell family story's about past adventures. Write them down so you don't forget them. You can make your own book of family stories.

I just made books for my 5 yo to draw in for gifts for Papa. Fold your paper in half, pound holes down the center w/ hammor and a nail. Sew them my hand. Cut recycled carboard a little bigger than your paper. Cut recycled wall paper/fabric/thick paper an inch or 2 larger than the cardboard and glue it down. Fold the top and bottom edge over the cardboard so it's covering some of the inside of the book. Put a plastic bag inside the book, close the book so the cover paper dries nice. And put a phone book on top and let it all dry. Open book, fold and glue end edges over, and let dry. Now brush glue over the outside of the first and last pages, make a good line of glue down the spine as well. Lay the pages in place, smooth the pages, put plastic bags on either side to protect the inner pages from getting stuck together. And let dry. You have a book! I have one I made in school.

Most of all I tell my daughter it's natural, the person isn't in pain any more. there body got old, like the seasons old leaves. It was there time to go home. We cry together, and talk about how Uncle Tim is now her guarding angel too. And what we remember about him. This year we'll add his picture to our tree. My hope in all of this was that I'd work on the fear of loosing my mother. And give my daughter tools for loosing me one day.

Best wishes to you and your daughter. A. H