Dealing with Rude Kids (And Parents) at the Playground

How rude of her not to say anything. I can't stand that when kids do that. They'll take it and then walk away and some other kid will take it and by the time you leave you either have lost stuff or will have to go and take it all back from kids all over the place.
I'm like you and would have just been speachless but hindsight would have told me to have just said "excuse me, but we need that back please".
I have learned to bring my stuff in a bag and only take out what we're using because if you dump it out you're asking for trouble:o)
Better luck next time :o)
J.

Hi J.-
Isn't that something? It seems that in our culture it is often the person who calls out the bad behavior that is considered 'rude' rather than the person committing the bad behavior. I have also noticed that so many parents seem have adopted the attitude that they have no power to correct their young children effectively so they just do nothing. So what can you do? The world is not going to tolerate that kind of behavior when the child gets older, so it would not have been out-of-line for you to communitcate directly to the child. If something like that happens again, you might try saying in a quiet but firm voice like "Did you ask to borrow that? Please give it back until you ask". You might have to be pretty persistent as the child might 'pretend' to not hear, etc. and so you might run the risk of looking like you are making a big deal out of a 50 cent piece of plastic. But in reality you are 1) providing the other child with a valuable lesson about how the world works 2) modeling for the other parent that it is necessary to have expectations for their child's behavior - especially in public and 3) (and probably most important) modeling for your daughter that it is reasonable for her to expect others to respect her boundaries and not treat her like a victim while also showing her how to communicate her needs directly without becomming emotional. It is not telling another parent how to parent, it is honestly and resonably responding to another child's bad behavior.
I hope that helps!
S.

J.,
You can choose to respond however you see fit BUT what I've done with my 4 year old daughter is this:
I've taught her to respect other people. If they do not want her to touch them or their belongings she backs off. I've also taught her that not eveyone has learned this and will not respect her so she should walk away. No one is obligated to be treated poorly.

I have been dealing with this all summer. My daughters at the lake and beach will go over and take other kids things and I get embarssed. My daughters are 5 and 2. I aways ask my oldest if she asked first and then get the ok from the parents before I let them traps off with other people's belongings. I know how hard it is becaues everyone raises thier children diffrent, but I guess you want to be a good role model to your own children and maybe influnce the other child as well, I would say something like "You can play with that if you ask first or say please" something along thos lines. Hope that helps!

I think you absolutely can and should say something to a child when he/she does something like that. When your child is a bit older, you can help her tell the child. I HATE to 'discipline' other people's kids but I think of it as teaching my daughter how to stand up for herself - which is very important. It also, as you said, teaches her that it isn't nice to take without asking!

Sure, why not? The worst thing that can happen is that the mother comes over and tells you not to talk to her child that way... and who cares about that! Tell the kid that its your child toy, "but I'll bet she'll share it with you... maybe you can take turns".

I would have treated that kid like my own. I would be blunt and to the point. I would say "excuse me, you can't take that toy. That is our toy" If you are open to sharing then I would go onto say "You need to ask before taking someone elses toy". Either the kid will be scared of you or do as you say. If the Mom has an issue then tell her to shove it. Just kidding. I'd just explain that you don't mind sharing but you would like it if the child asks to play with a toy that is not their own.

You are in luck because I just recenly had a similar situation happen to me. I live in an aparment complex right next to a major park in White Bear Lake. My kids have a special bucket that is just for outside toys or sand toys that we bring to the park. My son who is two has a few dump trucks in this bucket. We had not been playing for too long when another woman and her kids arrived at the park. Her son goes right up and takes one of Elijah's trucks and starts playing with it. The mom watched her son do this and said nothing soI took Elijah by the hand and went up to the boy and in a nice voice I stated there is your other truck Elijah, Can you ask for your truck back Nicley Elijah. Elijah being two just snatched it away. The mom kina yelled at her son but you could tell she was mad at me and she left. I later found out from some of the other residents in my comples and from the surrounding houses that she does that alot. She will show up at the park and let her kids take others sand toys. A few times she has tried to leave with someones toys.

I don't think you would have been out of line to say to the child, "Excuse me, but that is hers. If you want to borrow it, you need to ask her first." Then I might go so far as to take the shovel back and give it to your daughter.

Wow, I just read everyone elses responses. I should do that before I start my typing fingers, I guess. :)

I took my 16 month old to a playground. There were two mothers sitting on a bench (5 feet from the sand box) talking while their children played. They weren't paying attention AT ALL. The boy must've been 2 1/2 or 3 and was the youngest of the kids. We came over to the sand box and my son stood up and looked at him. He is curious about people his size but rarely goes near enough to touch them unless he knows them. This little boy reached down and threw a hand full of sand in my son's eyes. I jumped up (I was sitting only a couple feet away watching) and went to see if my son was ok. Then after seeing that neither woman even glanced our way, I looked at the little boy and told him it was a very naughty thing to do. I then grabbed my son to take him by our stuff and look at him better. As I walked away I said loud enough for the women to hear: "It's really nice that some women watch their kids and allow them to throw sand in a baby's eyes". I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but this concerned MY child's safety.....I don't care what other mother's think of me. If they can't control their children, they shouldn't take them to a place to be with other kids and not watch them. I'm not saying there aren't some kids that just act out......but the least others can do is try to keep an eye on them and make the effort to teach them how to act in public (at least offer an apology to you).

Unfortunately I have the same issue (especially at the beach). My children are two and five. I usually have the five year old go ask for the toy back nicely or I tell the other kids that " I am sorry that is her toy and she was playing with it". Usually the kids don't say anything back and I have never had a parent confront me.

This is a tough one. As a preschool teacher, I would say that being consistent in your rules is important. However, the Montessori teaching method (and many other early childhood thoeries) would say that although you can often train young children to share, they are not yet able to understand why. On the other hand, I think that some children may not be ready to understand personal property at that age and may not know that it is not a communal toy- I particularly notice this in children that attend daycare that are used to sharing toys in communal settings all day long. Young children that do not attend daycare tend to be far more attached to their toys.
A few months at that age can mean major differences in their development. It has also been my experience that many children are terribly shy and just don't have it in them to ask anyone including their own parents.

As you consider it a courtesy to ask to use them-as I do, I don't think it would be right to say anything to another child or their parent- because it would be like telling another child to use their manners at a dinner table which is not your business.
Now if it upsets your child to share them, then I would say kindly go and get them back.

I don't bring toys to communal places without expecting to share them. Kids feelings at that age are EASILY hurt and if their parent chooses not to discipline them on the matter, they will not understand why you are and they will take it personally.

well i would tell the other kids that they need to ask before they take as they are your childs toys. and if they talk back and get rude bout it i would then take the toys away from that child and tell them if they cant be nice they dont need to play with your toys.. i have lots of kids in my area and they all love to grab toys and break them. so i put a tight leash on my kids toys outside as im sick of them being broke. now the kids know they need to knock on my door and that they need to bring them back in one peice or they will not beable to play with them. be carefull not to get into a fight with the other kids parents. i have ended up in a couple of shout matches cuz of taking my toys away from kids. hope this helped and good luck...

It's not unreasonable to expect the mother's to at least acknowledge what their child has done. Children are children and don't always know better no matter how well they are taught. Whenever I am out and about my 2 year old always tries to "borrow" other kid's toys and sometimes their snacks. I always stop him, we always have our own toys and snacks, and I explain to him that it is not nice to take someone else's things. If the parent says that it is okay for my son to play with the toy and the other child doesn't seem too distraught about my son playing with it then I let him play with the toy. It's just simple courtesy and it is rude for the parent not to at least acknowledge it. They are teaching their child that it is okay to just take things without asking.

I'm always torn about how to handle situations like this. You never know what another parent would want you to do. I tend to be overcautious, if my daughter takes something I make her give it right back and explain that we can't just take other people's things, etc. However, it's getting to the point where I feel like I should somewhat step back and not be on my daughter every second and let her explore on her own without me hovering. Also, each parent has their own boundaries and maybe they don't care about other kids taking their toys when they have them at the park.

I definitely think it's ok to say something to the child, a basic "we like to share but let's ask before we just take toys" would be fine. Or right when the child took the shovel, "Hi there, would you like to share our toys with us?"

It's definitely tough to say something to another person's child, especially when they're a stranger. You never know how someone will react.