Dealing with Miscarriage - La Vergne,TN

Ladies I know what you are going through. I have a now 10 and 6 year old and we have lost babies in the over 2 years we have been trying. If you want to feel free to write me. I have many friends that have lost babies one just this past week after carrying healthy babies.

I am in the same boat! We just recently found out we were pregnant with our second. We were so excited and when we went in for our first ultra-sound, that's when they determined there was no heart beat. I was mortified. I couldn't believe it! My heart still hurts so badly and I cry everyday. With our first baby, we had no idea that we were pregnant and I was drinking and everything (I stopped the second I found out I was pregnant.) But with this pregnancy, I had just stopped nursing our baby so I had not had a drink in over 2 years, I was in the best shape I had ever been in, swimming everyday, and doing everything the right way. We were 9 weeks and 4 days when the miscarriage happened. My baby is almost 1 and when she sees me upset she comes to me and gives me kisses. I tell myself she is giving me kisses from the baby we just lost. I know it's hard to do, but your kids need you. I find myself giving my baby 100% until she goes to bed, then that's when I grieve. Any other suggestions for me?

Hi K.,
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages and have 2 healthy children now. I did lose mine before the 2 other children arrived but I think the grieving is the same. For me, it was the loss of "what might have been". This little life had a heartbeat and was a living child. For me, I made little scrapbooks and keep them tucked away in the same closet as my kids' baby books. I know friends who still include the miscarried children in the list of all of their kids. I have other friends who never talk about it. I think grieving has a common cycle but can be very personal based on circumstance and life experience. I do know that sometimes people who've never had a miscarriage totally don't know how to handle the situation and often make it worse with statements like "it was God's plan" or "at least they weren't 16" or "there must have been something wrong with it"... they mean to help so please just filter them out if you get defensive (which I did at the very beginning). I will tell you that my relationship with God oddly grew much stronger after both miscarriages. I was asking God, "why me"? Someone offered, "why not you"? These tested my faith but I came to a place that I love God and trust that He has my best. I would never have chosen that pain but He knew it's what I needed. It drew things out of me that I didn't know were there. He has mended my heart and now I give back to other women who are hurting from miscarriage or stillbirth. I just offer to you to feel it- don't deny it in an effort for Mommy to be strong. Be sad or mad or whatever you feel. I think it's ok to talk to your kids about it. They certainly feel empathy at their ages and it may really bring all of you that much closer. Life can really stink sometimes and it's often not fair but it's how you handle it and face it head on that matters. Your kids will see that something like this can happen and it's ok to cry and move through it. It can be a roller coaster for a few weeks or months. For me, the 2 miscarriages became a sweet blessing in that I have such gratitude for my kids here and I never take that for granted. I know people probably roll their eyes at that last statement but it's true. I pray for my kids every day and thank God for them before my feet ever hit the floor in the morning. If you feel like you're stuck, please don't hesitate to see a Counselor. I saw one a few times after the 2nd miscarriage and it really helped. Good luck and God bless.

I miscarried my second pregnancy. I grieved up till my next pregnancy 2 years later. The worst of the grief was past after the first week and the first 2 days were the hardest. Ours was planned, so that may have had a lot to do with my long term grief. Also, I tried continuously for another and it took 2 more years and I feared that I would never have another and so that may have been a part of it. I was fine for the most part unless someone mentioned a miscarriage or a friend announced a pregnancy or the birth of a new baby. I would then go through several days of grieving again. After I found I was pregnant a 3rd time (my second child) I no longer felt the grief, but I did live in fear of a miscarriage for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. I now have 3 healthy children and I have never again felt the grief.

I, too, am sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at around 8 weeks. My doctor told me they could do all the tests in the world and still come back with no answer as to why. The truth is that about 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. This is a statistic no one talks about. Of the 14 pregnancies in my family of mom, aunt, two sisters and me, only two were miscarriages. I do recommend as well finding someone else who has had a miscarriage and talk to her. It really does help. I didn't tell anyone about my subsequent pregnancies, other than my husband, until I passed that 8 week mark. I just couldn't handle the explanations. Take good care of yourself and you will get through this.

First of all I want to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. I've lost two babies -- my first was a blighted ovum and my thrid was a m/c 2 days after seeing the heartbeat. I understand completely what you're going through, and honostly, not matter how many children you have dealing with the loss of a baby is the hardest thing you will have to go through. The day my first loss was confirmed was the darkest day I've ever had. I can't beginto even explain, although I'm sure I don't have to. Thinking about it even now, over 3 years and 2 kids later brings tears to my eyes. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to give me strength to get through it. Instead of giving me strength, God gave me the means to find the strength myself through an incredible online support group for women who have had blighted ovums, and I never could have gotton through my 2 losses or my 2 successfull pregnancies without the ladies on the board. Even though it was created for women with blighted ovums, the women there have faced chemicla pgs, blighted ovums, losses after seeing the heartbeat, even losses after the 1st trimester. Some women have faced multiple losses, while others have faced losses with 2nd or 3rd babies. Basically, it really is a board for everyone. If you're intersted in checking it out, the url is http://blightedovum.proboards.com/index.cgi (or googles blighted ovum forum and go to the link from proboards). You don't have to participate, but you may find it helpfull to read posts from other women who've faced the pain you're going through now. I'm one of the moderators on there, and I'll keep and eye out for you (and tell the other moderators the same). My handle is daffylexer. Also, if you just need somone to talk to, please feel free to email anytime (____@____.com). The one thing I found was that it was easier for me to talk to people who've had losses. Athough my friends and family meant well, there was a "well, you can just try again" attitude, and after a few weeks I could tell they were just sick of hearing me be sad all the time. My SIL went so far as to tell me I didn't really lose a baby. So please don't hesitate to write if you just need to talk to someone who's been through a loss too.

Also, remember to allow yourself all the time you need to grieve. There's no timeline for it, and every one is different. Although it's been 3 years since my first loss and 1 since my second I still cry for my lost little ones. The pain never really goes away, but we all learn to deal with it somehow. It just takes time. Go out and do something nice for yourself -- massage, mani/pedi, etc). I thought the ladies on the boards were crazy when they told me this, but they were right. I had my hair done and I felt great. It was fleeting, and an hour later I was carying again, but it was good to feel good again, even if it was for just an hour. Eventually, you'll start to laugh and feel good again in small increments, and when that happens, dont' feel guilty. I did, and it made it worse. It took awhile for me to accept that it was okay to heal and to feel good again. Eventually those moments of happiness will increase and the pain wont be as bad.

I wish you all the best in your healing and will keep you in my prayers. Remember that although we may not know each other, I'm just an email away if you need me.

Big hugs!
A.

My heart goes out to you and your family! Time DOES heal everything and it will get easier!! Going to a counselor helped me thru my miscarriage when I was 5 mos pregnant. And your kids are what will get you thru this. They will take your mind off of it. Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off, and start all over again!! Prayers of healing...

Our fourth and fifth children both died before birth. It was very hard and I would say that each person deals with it in a different way. Mine were both stillbirths, and I am not sure if that make a difference when it comes to grieving. I know in my family we named the babies and it really helped me to be able to recognize that I have them. We include them in our even prayer time and ask them to pray with us each night. We created a memorial garden and the kids and I enjoy planning and planting flowers in their memory. I have items around the house that remind me of them such as the little faceless figurines. (I can't remember what they are called.) I have made little memorials and framed the for my room. My husband had a ring made for me that has stones for each child. I also have a locket that contains a tiny piece of blanket from each child. It always amazes me how my love for all my children has grown, especially for those two that aren't with me. I guess I figured that death would be so final and it would end my relationship with them and it just hasn't. For all of time they are all my babies. Shortly after they died someone came to me and explained that those babies were given life for a very special reason and someday I would be in awe of how they affected the salvation for everyone for all of time. Wow! How awesome!

Find an older lady or even more than one (not necessarily 'old, old', -- just older than you) who has experienced miscarraige and talk it through -- just you and her. Surround yourself with people who've suffered loss of loved ones. Sometimes the only way around it is through it. Don't wallow in it, but don't try to minimize it, either. Do what you can to keep life as normal as possible, but let yourself cry, lazy around a bit, hug and be hugged, etc.

God bless. It truly was a 'baby' that you've lost, and your heart as well as your body was attached to it.