Dealing with Judgmental Strangers

Since the opinions of strangers are irrelevant to my life, when random people made comments, I simply told them that if I had wanted their opinion, I would have asked for it and walked away.

I tend to ignore strangers opinions and comments since they really have no impact on me, my family, or my life. The only time that I have made any change in this regard is when the nasty comments were based on race or something else that I chose to use as a "learning" experience for my children or whoever I was with. I say always ignore if you can. It really makes them mad. :)

Your husband asked the question. She answered it.

When you ask a question - be prepared for the answer. You might not like it.

If you can't handle someone's (possible) judgment - then don't ask the question. You knew it wasn't going to be good if she was already shaking her head and giving you dirty looks.

Honestly your husband invited an idiot to share their opinion.

STEP 1) Do not willingly suffer fools.

Seriously, most people are cowards. They're going to PRESS for an invitation to comment on your business, but will just act like cows having a seizure until you do invite them. So don't :D

STEP 2) Cease to care about the opinions of strangers.

We've been taught this is selfish thus past generation... But MYOB has a GREAT place in society. Firstly, it presents the idea that not everyone HAS a right to comment on other peoples lives. Second, it makes it laughable (instead of angry making).

STEP 3) Be secure in your own judgement.

If you believe yourself to be in the wrong, it makes it easier to smile and apologize.. Yep. Wrong and dealing with it :) just shows others to be ill bred by being Capt Obvious and pointing it out . If you believe yourself to be right... See steps 1&2. Water off a duck's back.

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Perfect system? Nope. But self confidence is an amazing foundation to be standing on.

You're husband opened a can of worms he didn't like. He asked. She answered.

-Don't worry about people like that. If you know you're doing right, and doing what you need to for your child...you shouldn't care about what people like that think.
-If you don't care, you won't need to ask.
-If you ask, you will get an answer you don't like. Deal with it, you asked!!

These days, most people think they know everything and if you ask what they think, they will definitely tell you. Your husband asked if she had anything to say, well, she did! It's best to just ignore. Honestly, there is A LOT to be said for quiet confidence. If you are secure in your actions then who cares what others think?

Oh, and Riley said it much better, I totally agree.

She's not a mother. Given your description of what happened, she cannot possibly be a mother if she thinks this. I think I would have laughed out loud at her remarks and shaken MY head plenty as I gathered up the kids. And KEPT laughing at her as I left.

I don't know how much more of a family friendly place you could have been, out on a patio with no one there except one other patron. You did just fine. You weren't "doing it wrong". However, your husband should ignore anyone else like her instead of letting them provoke him.

Quite frankly, she is a nasty biddy and you should have told the owner of the restaurant that she called you names and made you all miserable. (I promise you she said something rude about you to them.)

Dawn

well, why did your husband ask? she was kinda nasty with all the dirty looks and head-shaking, but there's no reason you couldn't have ignored it. you expected her to ignore having her meal interrupted by a crying baby, so why can't you ignore silent disapproval?
the world is full of people who either haven't had kids, or are so far past it they've forgotten what was like. but the world is also full of people with kids who think the world should accommodate whatever their kids need at any given moment. not saying this is you, but it's really not that hard to understand that someone who is paying for a nice meal on a pleasant patio is less than thrilled to have to hear a crying child the entire time. if you expect that she should shut up and deal, you and your husband should be equally willing to do the same.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry this happened; these sorts of things can rattle you. As far as your question, I'm not saying she was right to say the things she did, but I wouldn't even give people like this an opening. Because your husband initiated a conversation with her, she felt entitled to express her opinion. I can almost promise you she would have kept her nastiness to herself if he hadn't said something first. This does not mean you were neglecting your child, but people draw all kinds of conclusions when they are on the outside looking in. It's an unfortunate part of life, but it's moments like these when, as a parent, you have to be above it and know that you have taken care of things to the best of your ability. Now, if she had approached you on her own, I would have apologized for disturbing her lunch and left it at that. No sense in even engaging in further conversation with someone like that.

First, Happy Mother's Day to you. It sounds like what you were doing was on par with what most caring parents do.

I don't think we (husband and I ) would have offered that disapproving onlooker to have an opinion. It's only soliciting their nastiness to come out further. In that situation, I might have smiled and said "Sorry, baby's so loud today, but we'll be on our way in a second." and let them take it however they like.

Otherwise, if I know I'm doing all I can, I would ignore it. Sometimes the concerned look from another person might cue me in to something that really needs to be corrected; sometimes it's just a sign that this person is having a bad day... or maybe this isn't a place I want to take my child to again.

She probably felt like she didn't want to hear a crying child, but she certainly could have found something else to focus on. Again, I don't ask others why they are looking annoyed or upset if I can guess that they might be overreacting to the situation. If your older son was misbehaving and being ignored, it would be more reasonable to be so annoyed, but I have a lot of sympathy for moms with little ones who are obviously trying their best, the way you describe.

Don't let her get to you! Good luck! (The best part is, you don't have to be *her*. She sounds miserable.)

I agree with Dawn. She definately is NOT a mother! Also, next time, tell your husband not to confront someone who is giving you dirty looks. Just ignore the rude people who give you dirty looks and enjoy your family.

Personally, I don't care what strangers think & I don't see the point in confronting them, when you are going to get nothing but the truth, or an attack. I mean, why bring that type of negativity onto yourselves? If you already can tell that a stranger is annoyed with you, what would be accomplished (other than a huge argument in front of your kids)? It's pointless. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

If it helps you're not alone. This happened about 10 years ago so I don't remember the exact details, but my kids were about 5 and 2 or 4 and 1, in that range. The older one was taking swimming lessons. I was having one of those days where nothing was going right. I think I had the younger one in the locker room in the basement dealing with some kind of poop issue. I know I had a mess on my hands. While I was dealing with the mess one of the boys (I think the younger one, but just can't remember now) went running out of the locker room, up the stairs (ETA: also right by the pool) and heading out the double doors to the parking lot and street. I had to dump the mess and give chase. There were two sets of glass double doors going out. I think I got to him when he was just leaving the 2nd set to get out or was in between the two sets of doors. Obviously oblivious to everything except his safety I ran through one set of doors, leaving them swinging closed behind me, to grab the runaway. A woman coming from another direction behind me who must not have seen what was going on (at least I hope she didn't know and obviously she didn't know about the poop mess in the locker room) was so mad that I let the doors swing closed without holding them open for her and her child said something really nasty to me that had me on the verge of tears, not that it would've taken much at that point. Ever since then I've always tried to have the "in their shoes" kind of attitude because you just don't know what kind of day someone is having. So I work on being non-judgmental and tuning out others who are. Happy Mother's Day! (P.S. Your husband should probably just ignore the nasty stares in the future. It's their problem.)

Strangers are just that. Strangers. There is little chance you will encounter them again so I don't see the need to get all upset over someone's "looks" or "dirty glances".
Also, it really doesn't pay to engage or confront someone who is already clearly disgruntled for some reason. "Looks" then turn into an exchange of words and really, it's not necessary.

Just my opinion.

I always try to be non-judgemental. I don't understand why so many people can't just live and let live.
I figure that the ones who play the judgement game are usually people who never had kids or had lots and lots of help while raising them.
She's probably a very unhappy person. Don't let her negativity rub off on you and your family.

These are just suggestions..

Ignore them.

If you ask them a question, be willing to accept their answer.

Personally, when we ate out with our daughter at this age.. and our daughter got fussy, which is to be expected, one of us got up with her and took her outside away from where anyone could hear her crying.. We in no way wanted to disturb ANYONE'S meal.

Yes, there were times we even asked if the food could be put in to go containers, because she just was too overwhelmed or too tired.

A 1 year old only has 1 minute of an attention span.. That means a lot of attention has to be paid to that child through distraction.. This can be hard for parents to do in a restaurant setting.

I try to ignore these types of people...anyone who has kids has probably had a fussy one out in public at an inconvenient time. It also is natural to look over at a fussy child, whether disapproving or thinking "I've so been there." As long as it was less than 5 minutes that your child was disturbing her meal, she really had no right to be annoyed. If it was longer than that, one of you probably should've removed the little one while the other paid. She shouldn't have said anything, but she probably would've silently disapproved had she not been confronted and given an invitation to do so. She shouldn't have been confronted by an angry man when she was paying to eat a peaceful meal. A more appropriate way for your family to have addressed her would have been to say "we're so sorry to disturb you. You know how it is with kids. When they're done, they're done. We're just trying to settle the bill so that we can leave." The dialogue may have been a lot different and not ruined anyone's day.

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I second the others that say your husband brought that mess down on your heads. Next time don't rise to the bait. It was pretty juvenile to go up to her and thump his chest about some frowns and headshaking.

I mean what did he expect the outcome to be by confronting her? I suspect he expected to bully her into submission by making her shrink into herself and mumble an apology or something, instead she stood up and called him out.

Next time be the bigger person and ignore it.

Ignore her or blow her a big kiss to piss her off. She's obviously unhappy.

I probably would have given the old bat a SCREW OFF look, sounds like you were doing what you could to calm your child, kids are kids, when mine was little he threw fits many times I went and sat in car with him, but with only one other person out on the patio, the old bitty could have and should have just moved its not like your son was disturbing a whole room full of people. One night my son and I ran into Costco and he threw a screaming fit, a lady looked at me and said it was too late to have my child out he was obviously tired and he needed to be at home, I turned around and told her thank you for her unsolicited advice, however my son was prone to fits and he was just pissed that his little sister was in the car with daddy and not in the store with us so she could please turn around mind her business and continue her own shopping. Anther one I used on nosey people was when you walk in my shoes 24hrs + with my son, then talk to me otherwise mind your own fricking business! Good luck and dont let people like that bother you they are idiots! HAPPY MOMS DAY!

I have handed my son over to someone like that before then said if you can do it better than do it. She could not get him to calm down either - he had reflux and once it "acts up" we have to get him upright and out; did she know that? Of course not, but she thought she knew better. So, if you can not cleverly confront them, just walk away.

She either doesn't have children, or forgot what it was like to have children, or, maybe she just was having a bad day and wanted some quiet. Who knows. I remember how annoyed I would get before I had kids and we would go out for dinner and there would be a baby or child screaming throughout the entire meal. After I have had kids, I am more understanding. But my husband will take our kids out at the first fuss, so he gets upset that more parents don't do the same. If you were getting ready to leave, I don't see a problem with it. You were trying to calm him down. I will say though, that often parents have filters, we don't realize how annoying our kids may be to complete strangers. So your kids may have been what you would characterize as good but what this other woman thought was out of bounds. Next time, ignore the other woman. Calling her out just won't help anything.

I ask them what I should do! Usually catches them off guard. I figure since they obviously know how I should be handling the situation, that they'd kindly share their know-all ;) if I see someone struggling with their child in public I usually offer a knowing smile or try to help. I've been there and remember that feeling!

I ignore them most of the time. Other times I come back with a smart-mouth quip or remark. A stranger's opinion on your parenting is nothing to concern yourself with but if you ask be prepared for the answer. You can agree to disagree.

Yep, your husband shouldnt have said anything.
It's pretty normal for people to crane their neck when kids are crying because it's disturbing. You gotta ignore it or it can get messy.... as you can see.

Ignoring is the classy thing.

Could you have said "Oh, she must be going through menopause" out loud to your husband while walking past her? I don't think menopause is a bad word in front of your one and four year old, yet it would have been a real zinger, especially if she is a few years away from it. My mom used to get mad when ever my dad would say this to her... Oh, I mean ignore the rude person, that is the proper thing to do.

I try to ignor stupdity. After all, what the heck do I care what some stranger thinks of me or my kids or grandkids.