Daughters Disturbing Friend

First be thankful, so very thankful that your daughter is mentally healthy. Mental health problems occur in families where there are loving parents and good supprt systems too. Also keep in mind that this other girl may not be playing mind games with your daughter intentionally. If she suffers with mental health issues her perceptions are distorted, her reactions will be disporportionate, and her ability to interact with people will be impacted.

As the mother of a teen who suffers from depression I can't even describe how heart-breaking it is. Since my kids were in kindergarten, I've only worked during the hours while my children are in school so I could be home to do homework, be invovled with their activities, friendships, school work, etc. We spend tons of time with our kids, they participate in all kinds of extracurriular activities, they've been raised in a close and loving environment - yet our teenage daughter has been through some very, very deep valleys of mental health issues - including being hospitalized for a short time. She's hurt herself and had a period of time where she made repeated efforts to do so.

I'm saying all of this so you understand that many mental health issues are a result of biological / chemical imbalances. Many of these kids have suffered with this stuff since early childhood - undetected - and when puberty and hormones rage their minds become more and more difficult to balance. This kid is in an even worse situation if her parents are not providing the kind of support she needs. Becuase these kids have been dealing with imbalances since childhood they've never learned how to be a friend, how to react appropriately. The percieve actions as attacks against them, they have a very tough time just ignoring things that bother them. most of these kids don't have a deep circle of friends as a result.

Your daughter has been a kind soul to this hurting girl for a number of years - and your daughter seems to have come to a place in her life where she sees that they are developing separate interests and growing away from eachother. This isn't your thing to handle. And since this girl sounds pretty fragile, a parent telling her to bug-off could be devastating. She will have a tough time hearing that from you.

Instead, allow this friendship to fizzle. This girl will probably be a little clingy since she probably does not have many friends as your daughter probably does. But if your daughter is not available more and more often due to her schedule then it wil fizzle. Eventually the other girl will figure it out. She will probably feel hurt, and may even ask your daughter if she's mad at her or did she do something wrong? Coach your daughter to be kind, help her have answers already prepared - "I just got home from practice and I'm buried with homework", "My aunt asked me to watch my little cousins", "I have to get my chores done or I won't be able to go to my waterpolo game", etc. Youru role here is to coach your daughter in how best to handle this girl - it will help her develop these skills in the years to come.

Be kind in your thoughts towards this girl - she's trying to deal the best she can with an illness that strikes no differently than cancer or diabetes - but is still subject to such stigma and so greatly impacts the person's ability to maitain interpersonal relationships. I pray that her parents will get their heads out of the sand (or somewhere else) and help her the way she needs to be helped.

Good luck with your daughter - sounds like she will do just fine.

Pretty much every single answer on here said the same thing, your daughter needs to handle this. You mention your daughter is too young to have to deal with a person with mental illness and yet you have let the friendship continue for so many years knowing this girl had issues? I understand you wanting to fall on the sword, so to speak, for your daughter but this is her relationship to end. I agree with others that suggested your daughter be extremely busy, too busy for this "friend", and let the end progress naturally. As for the all caps (shouting in text) I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you accidentally hit the caps lock and couldn't scroll down as you mentioned earlier. I wish you and your daughter much luck and totally agree with you that she needs to move forward without this other girl. I also hope the other girl gets the help she so desperately needs. : (

This girl is probably acting out so her parents will notice her. Poor kid she's just lost. She may be bi-polar. I agree with the Mom who said in two years the girls will be off to college and hopefully living different cities. This will help your daughter but not the girl in trouble. I know it's a lot to ask but can you 'Mom' her too? Sit her down and talk to her about choices, good and bad. Try not to get preachy, just get her to realize that the choices she makes now will impact the rest of her life. She needs to start living for herself and not her parents. She does need positive reinforcement have her show you her report cards and school work. Praise her good grades and offer help in the classes where she needs help. Help her to decide on career and schools after high school.
I took in a young lady, 18 at the time, about a year ago. She has been through hell and back. She plays games, I'm not sure she even realizes that she plays games. I try to always find something good to praise her about and downplay the negatives. I am helping her to find a good solid career choice and a school. She now has a 2 month old baby boy and I take care of him when I can, so she can work. Her Mom is totally out of control and constantly puts her down. This is not easy but I understand she doesn't have the emotional skills to make good decisions. However she is a good Mom and she is really trying.

My mother tried to intervene in a similar situation when I was 15 and it was disasterous to say the least. I spent my junior year being harassed and looking over my shoulder. Not fun. You and I come from opposite sides- you wish your parents had been more involved. I wish mine hadn't. You need to find the middle ground where your daughter knows you will support her in any way she needs, including helping her end the friendship. She needs to be the one to decide when is the right time.

Offer your daughter counseling. Sometimes being able to discuss a situation with a neutral party helps you see it better.

At 16, she should handle this on her own. I don't think it's appropriate for you to tell her friend "I hope you get the help you need." If your daughter is old enough to drive and hold a job, she is old enough to stand up for herself with her friends.

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What does your daughter want? At 16, I would think she would be mortified to have her Mom tell someone she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore. And actually, the way you worded what you would say to the troubled girl sounds pretty harsh. If your daughter has confided in you that she wants to end the friendship, I wouldn't encourage her to make a big announcement of "I don't want to be your friend" to this girl. You said your daughter isn't seeking out drama, and I'm afraid the direct blunt "I'm done with your friendship" talk given either by you, or your daughter, will only cause HUGE drama. I think you daughter would be better off just not calling her or seeking her out, and keeping busy with other people and activities.

I will tell you that I was left to deal with something like this on my own, the other child killed himself. Most other moms don't really understand how bad mental illness can be for others. I am actually more fearful that she sees this sort of mental disturbance as "normal" and will seek out friendships and relationships with people like this girl in the future. I came from a nice family and did what what my mom calls "attract crazies" for a good long time. I have 18 close friends that have committed suicide in my lifetime.

I don't really know what you can do for your daughter to "help" her. I do suggest you support her and help coach her and if you must be a the "mean mom" and tell the girl the friendship is over but expect it all to backfire. If this girl is really that obsessed with your daughter then there M. be nothing to stop her craziness short of a cross country move.

You say your daughter is very confident, but a very confident girl would be able to purge a friend that is not unhealthy. A very confident girl would also not be "Too nice" to do what's best for herself. I'm not saying your daughter doesn't have confidence, what I'm saying, is this is something she clearly needs to do herself. If she is going to be a truly confident, strong woman...she needs to know how and when to let people go. Be there for support and any advice she might need, but she is 16 and should handle this one her own. In a year or two she will be in college and HAVE to do these things on her own. She will need to be able to discern who will help her future and who will complicate it and she then needs to know what to do about it. She has a very short period of time to learn this. She needs to gain the strength and confidence to do this NOW.

If you "think" your daughter wants this friend out of her life, the first thing is to talk with your daughter about this. Don't make any assumptions or even share your opinion until you know what your daughter is thinking and feeling about this.

Once you know what her wishes are, I would suggest strategizing with her about what SHE can do to manage this situation. At 16, they need to learn to handle these things, with our guidance but from the sidelines. The book "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will Talk" has strategies for helping kids learn to solve problems for themselves.

If unacceptable behaviors are going on in your house, that's the time you have a say in setting and directly saying ground rules.

Your daughter is not an idiot. She knows her friend is a mess. I think one of the best skills you can help your daughter develop is one of perspective.
You should not tell her friend to leave your daughter alone. That is not your place. What you can do is separate your daughter from her for a few days and ask her what she wants from this friendship. What is she getting? What is it costing her? You can help her make her own decision. Maybe she knows how important she is to this friend of hers and she isn't willing to set her adrift, and she figures the personal cost is worth it to her. It's her right to make that decision as long as it doesn't interfere with her schoolwork. Your job is to help your daughter develop perspective, and you can tell her you see it's costing her this and that. You can help her write a script for the "break-up" if she wants you to. You can give her ways to separate from her friend without cutting her off entirely, but this is something she has to do, not you.

You can tell you love your daughter deeply. I encourage you to let your daughter handle the situation. You may be more surprise at the outcome, plus it helps your daughter in the long run. As a mother, you can still be there for your daughter and give her words of wisdom, but let her handle the business.

Even with her immature mind games and jealous actions, do not underestimate the positive effect your home and your daughter's friendship has had on this girl!! Your family may be the only reason she has not gotten into some serious trouble (pregnant, drugs).
I know it is Hard on you and your daughter, though. Growing up, our home was a home away from home for allot of neglected kids, and now that they are adults, they have put into words what my family meant to them as young teenagers!!!
I would Definitely let your daughter Handel it!!! If she is really done, but too nice to say so, this is a very important skill she Needs to learn! You are not going to be there in a few years when she meets the next drama queen in college! Please, resist the temptation, even if she asks, and Let her break it off.

after "so what happened"
there will be mentally troubled kids in college too. there is no escaping dealing with troubled people. (and no offence, I am glad you are blessed with a well balanced child, but sweet cheeks, i am sorry to say, doesn't sound That much further off than allot of teenagers her age)
Bottom line, your daughter NEEDS this skill!!! don't take this learning opportunity away from her. She can do it at your house, with you in another room in case there is trouble. and you can really help her to Handel it both before and after, and even step in, if need be, during. But she needs this.

also, be sure you are not stepping in for the wrong reasons, ie... over compensating for your parents mistakes.
Best of luck.

Im almost 30 and i never shook , or purged my disturbed friends. Just because they arent like me, and have issues i dont understand does not mean that i dont love them. I wont let them babysit my kids and i dont go out at night with them but i still keep in contact with them and love them very much. If your daughter is confident as you say (which i always was too) she will know when to end, or if to end this friendship.

IF

your daughter was emulating her in any way, or wanted to end the friendship but was not confident enough, or scared too then my advice changes 100%

First of all don't yell at us. Your job is to help guide your daughter. The two of you can discuss different ways to handle the situation. But it's your daughter who needs to handle this, not you. I think you not giving your daughter enough credit. She will not handle it exactly like you because she is not you.

Eh, that's a fine line. If you can, without any repercussions from a mentally off-balance girl, fine. But there may be. I would encourage your daughter and help her stand up for herself. Maybe talk through what she (SHE, not you) wants to do and guide her in how she can do it.

When I was working in my first job right after HS, I had another young coworker who became friends and I can't remember anymore what was up but she needed a place to stay and came and stayed with my family but things were becoming very rough between us, and one night I stayed out with my boyfriend very late (until midnight or 1am, which was VERY uncharacteristic of me then) just because I was dreading coming home and facing her. When I got home, my parents were sitting out on the front step and I panicked thinking I was in trouble for being out so late but my mom simply said she was waiting to tell me that she'd told her to leave. I still remember the relief and gratitude (probably not fully expressed but definitely felt!) that they had told her to leave. (It was not a long term situation, maybe a few weeks at most? and I don't remember all that went on, just that it was very uncomfortable for me.)

So, yes, if you can and need to, do it, mommy instinct is a great thing. Just be careful, be gentle and firm with the friend.

You can also be a shield or buffer for her - have your daughter busy and involved (or even if she's not out, she's busy doing chores or homework or reading or playing at home, right?) so that she doesn't have time for her friend, that way there's this space separating them. You answer the phone and say I'm sorry but she isn't able to come to the phone. Same if she comes to the door. This won't be the last time your daughter will have to put distance between her and an unwanted friendship, however this may be the most difficult since she's clearly not taking the hint and not in a proper place mentally.

Could she just ignore her and try to avoid her?? I would try to stay out of it. You can guide your daughter as to what to do, but I wouldnt confront the girl as a parent. Unless your daughter is in some kind of danger, or its messing with her school career, in which I would talk to the school and see what they can do.

I think your daughter needs to say the words, if it that happens with you there and with your support that is one thing, but you should not step in, she has mental issues and she will lash out against you. She may even lash out against your daughter no matter how it is done so you may want to find out from your local police department what your rights are in the event she does lash out how you can protect yourselves. Not to scare you but it appears she has become a leech upon your daughter and may not do well with out her, may become stalkerish or more. This may even be something that the girls therepist could be a part of that is something you can explore as well. Good Luck.

I agree with Jennifer K. you need to let your daughter handle this. You can advise her on how to go about taking care of this situation but she is old enough that she can work these issues out on her own. This will crop up again one day maybe when she's years older and what will she do then if she doesn't have the experience to take care of herself call you? Just advise her and let her take care of this girl. Be there for her to answer questions or give her help on what to do or say.

Wow-that is a bit of a scary situation actually. I would be so concerned for retribtuion from this girl. What about YOU forbidding her to be friends with her...kind of like putting the blame on you and taking your daughter out of the equation. I don't have older kids so not sure how that would work though.

I didn't read the rest of the responses: it sounds like you and your daughter have a strong relationship. As she is 16 and starting the process of separating, you could ask if she would like your opinion with regard to this situation? You are respecting her decision-making skills and offering guidance without pushing your agenda. There might be more for her to learn in this situation, like how being "nice" is also about being good to yourself and setting appropriate boundaries of what is and is not acceptable. What a beautiful girl you have. That beauty needs to be protected (by her). My best friend's mantra is that everyone is a guest in your life and you choose who you would like to invite in. I love that you call her "sweetcheeks" : )

Best!

Let your daughter handle it. Stay out of it. My .02.

wow.

I would be scared that this girl... will retaliate somehow.

Your daughter is being made to be a doormat for a PSYCHOTIC and Obsessive... person.

So, maybe ask a Professional, on how to do this and get your daughter OUT of there and out of harm's way.

Do not... criticize the other girl, IF/when you diss her.
She is mentally off. You cannot 'reason' with her.

After you tell this girl to go away...I would REALLY watch your back.
That girl is psychotic.

Or you might even have to get a Restraining Order

Absolutely, definitely help your daughter rid of this "friend" by coaching her along the way. This is like an abusive sentimental relationship would be, so your daugther needs to break the cycle and NOT learn how to deal with it by herself. Just like you said, she's too young to deal with mental issues, even an adult, if not educated about it, has a hard time dealing with that. Tell her to not answer her friend's phone calls, to avoid her at school, and to never see her around. When this girl will eventually corner your daughter, just have her tell her that she is pursuing new interests and that she is sorry but doesn't plan in seeing her again. The girl will probably be upset but she'll move on to a newer obsession fast, if your daughter stands her ground. Good luck!