Daughter Suddenly Not Wanting to Wash Her Hair....

My now 6-year-old went through the same thing. She still screams when I brush out her hair, but is getting better. One thing with the hair brushing that helped was having her brush out her dolls hair at the same time that I was brushing her hair. That way she was concentrating more on brushing her dolls hair than worrying about her hair.
The thing that did the trick with hair washing was a detachable shower head. This way you have a constant flow of water that you can hold close to her head. Have her look up at the ceiling as you do this with her eyes tightly shut. It helps rinse everything out without the water going anywhere but down her back.
This all helped me, but every little girl is different. Try all of these methods everyone has told you. Something is bound to work. Good luck!!

One of the best pieces of advice I've read here on Mamasource was to turn any power struggle into a game. We do this with tooth brushing for my 2.5 year old son. Tell your daughter that somehow during the day animals have gotten into her hair. Ask her what kind of animals are in there: "an elephant? Oh my! A horse? Wow!" Now it's time to wash them out: (as you lather)"Come here little elephant! Oh, the elephant is gone! Come here horsey! Oh! The horsey got washed out!).

This worked wonders with my son, and made tooth brushing fun again. Try it with the hair washing.

You've been given a lot of good ideas that I would encourage you to try. However, let me be the "mean mom" here and say that after many nieces and starting this with my 3rd daughter soon, after all the empowerment and kindness doesn't work sooner or later you need to be the mom, the one in charge, and just tell your daughter that if she's going to have long pretty hair, then she has to get used to it hurting. My daughters have been through the "It Hurts!" phase when I'm not even brushing yet, and I've just had to be the mean mom and make them stand there and take it until the tangles are out.

The fact is that they are not in charge, you are, and in all these little ways we try to give them control, and then wonder why we have a terror of a child at 4 or 5 years old! Like I said, try the distraction and games, but if they don't work you need to just do the job and get it done while she's crying.

My second used to be scared and have a hard time with rinsing until just this month. Now she's in swimming lessons and shows me how she can go underwater every time she bathes. That would have been terrifying for her last month!

My kids and I have an agreement - they can have their hair any way they want to have it so long as they're taking care of it. As soon as it becomes my job to take care of it, it's getting cut to a length that I can manage readily. This means my sons can have their hair long if they like and my daughter can have a mohawk (which she did) if she wants. We've all had 1/8 inch hair at times, and my 12 year old just got his hair cut because he wasn't keeping up his end of the agreement. We set up this agreement many years ago, probably around the time the first "oww! that hurts!" started with the combing of the hair, and it's worked well for us. We also use good quality shampoo and conditioner and a detangler spray as needed, along with a wide-toothed comb or brush.
The biggest caution I have to add to this is to set up the agreement prior to putting the consequences in action, otherwise it gets perceived as a punishment.

Best to you!

My 12Yo still has extreemely sensitive head. We only brush thoroughly in the bath or shower with a head full of conditioner. She also has curly hair which makes it all the more difficult!

Well, I can relate. The hair has been an issue for as long as it has been long! For bath time, it helps to use a bath visor...keeps the water from running down their face and into their ears. And for brushing time...she often ends up in tears....and nothing helps much. I try to distract her, and this is what has worked best. We will talk about the zoo, and her favorite animals, or Disnelyland, and her favorite princesses, And I will try to get her mind off of the brushing, and she often forgets that I am even brushing her hair. Hope it helps. I am with you....our girls just have tender heads!

B.,
Our 8yr old is still the same way. Now, he washes his own hair, but when he misses around the perimeter, he asks me to do it. I scrub very gently and he doesn't protest.

Try putting eye goggles on her or a visor made specifically for washing children's hair and taking her into the shower with you. Allow her to wash your hair as you wash hers. Don't worry about getting everything. At that age, it doesn't matter how thorough youare. Since she is having trouble with combing and brushing, use a better conditioner. The Johnson and Johnson products are okay, but not good quality. Use something like Shampure by Aveda. It is light, doesn't have a lot of protein in it and works great. After her shower, blot her hair, rub some conditioner into your hands and start at the ends and gradually go up to the scalp. Make sure you have enough moisture in her hair too (dripping is okay) so that you can comb through it.(I do this to myself in the shower with the water off. I blot and wring a little to get most of the moisture and conditioner out, but I don't rinse the conditioner. I leave it in.)
Also get a wide toothed comb similar to one of the 80's hair picks to comb with. It will comb through without the pain.

I wish you much luck.

It may be her ears or a sudden fear of the water. Try a different focus like having her get in the shower. Do you have a hand held? Maybe a gentle stream of water careful rinsed back to avoid her eyes and ears for a while will help. Another thing could be a sensitivity to the shampoo. Johnson and Johnson is filled with chemicals and it could be burning her skin even with the numbing agents (no tears part) in it. So you might want to try a shampoo that is all natural and see if that helps too.

My mom went through similar struggles with me at around that age. She told me that if I didn't let her wash and brush my hair without a battle that she was going to have it cut really short so that it wouldn't be an issue any more. She never had another battle from me again. To this day I have long hair, and I am careful to keep it brushed and washed:)

There's a spray detangler by "little swimmers" that is pear scented and works really well for getting out tangles in case she really is hurting. I don't feel like johnson's actually does anything and it's not a brand I liked growing up with tangly curly hair. Maybe try a leave in conditioner?

Can she wash it herself or have some part in it? Does she need that independence. Maybe you could put it on and have her reach bag and rub it in so you can help make sure it doesn't get in her eyes?

-- Yes, this can be a real struggle--- and is a very natural result of children getting more aware of ''''something COULD happen to me''' --they become more aware of danger - and this makes them more reactive to losing control of their bodies-- and children DO lose control of their safety in the bathtub- it isn't that she doesnt trust you- it's that she has realized that she really is vulnerable then to slipping, falling, bumping, -- water in face ( no, it hasn't happened- but some part of her has figured out it COULD). --

What to do?? --- give her as much control as you can.
'Do you want to get clean hair in shower or bath?
this cup to scoop water or that one?
rinse 9 times or 10?

The routine I created for my daughters was - in tub- hair wet
( with a wash cloth- and then one scoop of water with them looking up to finish getting hair saturated) - then the smallest amount of shampoo that worked- they kind of liked making bubbles with the shampoo - then use that wet washcloth to wipe off as much shampoo as possible- so that just a few ''scoops''' of water from a 4 cup measuring cup '''''''just 8 more scoops- help me count'''--- would rinse out the soap. It's crummy when we have to do things that are troublesome for them--

Blessings
J.

Why do you have to wash her hair? I think that you're in a power struggle. Washing hair has become a big issue, apparently for both of you.

I recomend letting go of having to wash her hair. Don't mention it at all. Wpn't she be surprised. It may just cause her to go back to washing hair. Another technique you could use is to tell her she doesn't have to wash her hair. Be cheerful like it's no big deal.

I've learned lots about discipline from a book named Love and Logic by Foster Cline. One of the ways to avoid a power struggle is to stop yourself from fighting. And try a different approach.

My granddaughter has thick curly hair. She started crying when we had to brush her hair. It truly does hurt. She's 8 now and can brush her own hair. somehow it doesn't hurt when she brushes. She let her mother brush her hair after she found a way of brushing that is more gentle. One thing that she did was to spray her hair so that it was halfway wet. My daughter takes one strand of hair, about 1-2 inches and holds it close to the scalp while she bruses down. She does this around the head. Then she brushes the top so that all the hair blend in.

I use a wide tooth comb which also has large teeth for my hair when it's wet. The comb goes thru more easily.

My daughter also let her watch TV while she brushes her daughter's hair. This distracts her so that she's not so aware of what is going on.

Neither my daughter or I go for prefection; not even close. Brush it quickly. THen let her decide how she would like to wear her hair today. She will be more cooperative when you're doing the pony tail she asked for. Possibilities are braids, either one or two, You can put her hair in two pony tails on the sides. How about a palm tree in which the hair is put in a pony tail on top of the head.

Perhaps she would be more interested if she could pick out the barretts, ribbon or headband. make the choice simple. My granddaughter's hair accessories are in a plastic bin. She then chooses from the bin. If you want more control you could have 2 or 3 out and let her choose from those.

A reason that she might be rebelling about the hair is that she doesn't like her hairstyle. Keeping her hair short does make taking care of it easier.

Involve her in making choices.

Another thought. Let her put the sampoo in her hair and squish it around. You could make it a game. She gets the shampoo started and you as the "hair inspector" will finish it.

I've been thinking that you're washing her hair while in the shower or tub. I think it's easier to do so. When my granddaughter was that young she showered with her mother. They sang and played around. They had tub crayons to draw on the surround.

Again you don't have to shower/bathe everyday, nor do you have to shampoo her hair. Take the pressure off your daughter. If she says she doesn't want to do it this day then say OK but we must have an agreement that you will tomorrow.
You could write the agreement down and post it in the bathroom. The idea is to give her as much power that she can safely handle. This is the age at which we parents begin the process of training our children to be independant.

She could brush her hair with you completing it. She could not have her hair brushed at all. She definitely doesn't need a neat hairdo.

Find ways to involve her and keep the tone light.
Some kids respond to singing. Sing the instructions. Now is the time to get in the shower, etc.

ADDED 8/21/08

I just read an article in the First magazine which is displayed at the grocery check out. The person in the article said that her beautician had recommended the following so that she could brush out her hair more easily.

The woman said she has long, thick curly hair. Her beautician suggested that while the hair is still wet use her hair dryer on cold setting and while blowing the air on the air to run her fingers thru it. She said she has no trouble with tangles now.

B.- sometimes as parents we can transfer our fears onto our children. Often times if we cater and coo at our children while trying to do something they feel like they have an opening to whine and cry about things that are really not that big of a deal.
example: Your child falls down while playing. Do you A: run over to her, grab her, scoop her up, asking over and over again if she is okay while you bounce her up and down and tell her mommy's here, mommy's here...or do you B: Say, "woah mama!! what a big fall!! stand up, brush it off! You're okay. what a big girl"
If you choose A then she is probably going to whine and cry about a lot of little things. If you choose B, then she's probably gonna tough it out.
The point: you don't want to be pouring water over her head the whole time telling her that we don't wanna get it in your eyes, don't breathe it could go in your air way...you want to say, "wow, what a big girl, no tears, we have to wash your hair."
You are the mama. If we cater to our children's every little whim your child will soon expect it for EVERYTHING. Washing hair and brushing hair is a fact of life. It has to happen. You are not killing her, she is not drowning, she will be fine.
L.

Hi I am a hair stylist and have two little girls almost 5 yrs and almost 2 yrs. My girls don't like the water getting in their ears and that is where I have my struggles washing their hair. Possibly try wetting her hair with a wet wash cloth or spray bottle and also letting her smear in the shampoo herself after you squeeze it on her head. My girls like to feel and see the bubbles the shampoo makes on their heads. I even sometimes hold up a hand mirror so they can see the bubbles on their head and so they can see the funny shapes they can mold their hair into with the shampoo. It makes it something fun for them to look forward to. Some kids do have a very sensitive scalp so to make brushing or combing easier, here are a couple tips...you may want to switch to a professional conditioner (I use Pureology Hydrating conditioner and it works wonders for detangling),you can also try leave in conditioners...when you comb her hair start at the ends of her hair not at the scalp, tangles come out easier this way so your not trying to rip through them...and one final tip,if she has never had her hair cut and it is getting long, look into getting it trimmed. You can tell the hair hair stylist you want to keep the first trim of hair for her baby book also. Good Luck

Hi B.,

My youngest and I went through the same thing when she was 3. She was terrified to lay back in the tub and let me wash her hair, or more specifically, to let me rinse it.

I went the same route with the washcloth, but she soon had more hair than a washcloth could effectively rinse, so we switched to having her cover her face w/it and sang songs(Splish Splash was her favorite) while I rinsed. This worked well, and also, for a long timewe made Jimmy Neutron out of her hair with the shampoo(I like the looking in the mirror thing--she'd look at herself in the chrome on the faucet for a loooong time w/JN hair lol), and I'd sing that silly song--let me tell you, I swear she grieved when her hair was too long to make Jimmy Neutron, so we went and got it cut, and it lasted maybe another 6 mos. *Then*, we switched to showers, and let me tell you, that was the BEST thing for her to get motivated to want to wash EVERYTHING!

She's 9 now, and for the past almost year has been getting where she doesn't want the shampoo in her eyes again(and consequently doesn't want to rinse all that well), so her idea is to wear her swim goggles in the shower and that works out fine for her. She puts them on w/the strap at the nape of her neck so as much of the hair is out of it as possible, and soaks her head to both our hearts' content.

When she gets out, I help her wrap up in the towels and I tell her to "stick yer hands up and gimme all yer money!" Okay, she sing songs it with me, but the point I'm really trying to make is that you have to, like the others have said, make it fun, so she'll want to do it. She senses the anxiety you have over how it's become fearful for her, and it just makes it worse. You have to figure out a way to deal calmly with the situation, and make it fun, for her AND for you.

As for the hair issue, well I never found a detangler that worked really well to be completely pain free. I eventually got an electric detangler and this worked okay, but takes soooooo long. I don't use it anymore, and to this day, we still have issues over getting the tangles out of her hair. I just do it as quickly and with as little fuss as possible, but again, my "baby" is 9, and copes a little better now. When she was little, I let her pick out the color of her "ponytails(the little band things w/the balls on the ends)", barrettes, ribbons, and when we needed a new brush/comb, she picked that out too, and I always did what she wanted with her hair, ie "do you want a piggy tail today, or handlebars?" And fix her hair according to her choice.

Try the professional detangler like Andrea said, and a wide tooth comb like Marda uses. And, comb out when it's wet--that is *much* easier.

Best of luck to you both that bath time becomes fun again.

K. W

I'm looking forward to reading the advice you get. Our little girl will also be 3 in October and has freaked out more than normal the last week or two about washing or brushing her hair. The last two times she had a bath or shower, so bolted before we could get the conditioner on - making it worse to brush. She has a short bob now but still gets tangles. She has been scared to death of water in her face since day one and we could usually work around it but it's gotten really bad all of a sudden. Hopefully it's part of their age and they'll be over it as quickly as it started.

I know part of the problem (for us) is her super independence. We let her do things as much as possible, but somethings have to be finished by us (teeth-brushing, hair rinsing, brushing out the knots in the back, etc.). That's when she really loses it. I've tried buying her a princess brush (she's princess crazy), playing beauty salon/hair cut, sneaking up on her, letting her do it to us, etc. Sometimes things work but most times it's at least a bit of a fight (it not a full-blown fit). Good luck - let's hope it's better soon! :-)