Daughter Needy for Attention

So was she always like this since little brother was born?

You both need to, sit her down, and have a talk with her.
She is 8.
You can do so at this point.
Its about time.
She is a sibling. Tell her that.
She is loved. Tell her that.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I had chats with my daughter... about how, she is always my daughter and loved and even if she has a sibling etc., she is always, loved and that, developmentally, her little brother will go through different phases, JUST like she did, and it is not a competition... and I explained to her, developmentally, each month, how her brother was changing/growing/unable or able to do things, as he grows up. Just like she did, and just like I did with her etc.
And that, I am always there for her etc.
And she understood.
So there is no sense of jealousy or competition, with her little brother. Even now. She is 11 and my son is 7, now.

Also, you need to teach your daughter, how to be herself. How to be her own person. And teach her what a sibling is, what a family is, and how it is. Also tell her, that putting a guilt trip on you is not fair. That M. and Daddy, spends time with EACH of the kids, and that is fair. And also, does your daughter and your Husband, have... Daddy/daughter time???? Just them??? If not, then they need to do that.
My Husband, spends time with my daughter. Even doing girly things with her. And they are close. He also spends time with my son, doing boy things. And it is fine. Both of my kids know... that me and my Husband does things with them... together or separately. And they like that. Boy time. Girl time. But the kids don't have jealousy about it.
Everyone... in a family... has their turn.
And we all try our best.
We teach our kids that.
And they understand.
I tell my kids- there is only one of me... and EACH of them, has their turn... with me or Daddy or together. We are a TEAM.
And if one kid is with the other parent for their time, it is just the way it is. They BOTH... have their time. Or not. It just is.

Tell your daughter, manipulating is not nice. Be blunt.
She does not have to do that... especially with family.
But she CAN... express herself to you/Husband, in a mature manner.
And tell you how she feels. She is 8.
When/if my kids are attempting to "manipulate" me... I TELL them, straight up... DO NOT EVER, do that. I know what you are doing. It is not nice. It does not work. But if you are being honest and telling me what you are thinking, then that is different.

From now, if your daughter uses guilt trips and manipulating to get her way... it will become, just a worse "habit" as she gets older... and she may then use it with others. And you don't want that.
Nip it.
Explain to her.
Don't feel bad about calling her out on it.
A kid needs to LEARN... how that is not, nice.
You need to tell her like it is.
And correct, it.
And teach her.... limits.
Do NOT let her... use manipulating to get her way.
It is, wrong.

I think you are projecting what we will think and incorrectly. You are not helping her by being coerced into playing with her to excess.

She needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her and it's ok to be bored sometimes. It helps her to know herself better... what makes her happy, what can she do by herself, what kinds of books she prefers.

She will be a happier kid if you let her learn to entertain herself. Otherwise, when she gets a boyfriend, she will expect him to do your job of entertaining her. Glad thats not going to be my son.

Don't let pop psychology scare you into crippling her. It's obvious your H loves her. If she chooses unwisely in the future it won't be because of the lack of his affection. But if she learns its ok to manipulate people, believe me, nobody will be happy, including her.

You can tell her, you love her enough not to let her use you or guilt you into things because it's not nice. Between this time and this time, you have to entertain yourself.

If this is a chronic problem, why don't you ask your ped for a referral to a counselor for her? I think that maybe you need a professional's opinion on this.

I like what S.H. had to say.

Have you ever had a serious talk with her about what it means to have a brother and be a "family"? I say that in all sincerity and no judgment. The "family" perspective may not just come naturally.

I know when my daughter was born, I had a chat (age appropriate, but more adult than you might think) with my son, who at the time was right at 3 years old. It was all about family and how we looked out for one another and protected each other. How before there was me and dad and him. But first it was just me and Dad. And NOW it was all 4 of us. That he had all the attention for 3 years. And now there were 4 of us who got to spend time together! (yay!) That he knew what it was like with just him and us (parents), but his sister would never know a time when he wasn't part of our family. She would have no time that wasn't shared, like he had had.

It was a pretty grown up conversation, that came up once when I was nursing her and he wanted me to play instead. After our talk he really never complained about having to wait or share with her. And today (he's 15, she's 12) he begs her to come with us when we go places. He doesn't like going to the store if she chooses to stay home--he always wants her along. And it has always been like this. They are SO close. She is a bit more independent (because it is a novelty for her, I suppose)... and he likes having her around almost all the time.

Is it because we had that talk? Because of how we always addressed things and associated things as for "our family"? Who knows. Maybe it's part of it. Maybe it is just his personality. Maybe we got lucky. I don't know. But if you haven't explained to her in no uncertain terms that you love them BOTH and that it doesn't mean that it takes away love from her, that really, you just get a bigger heart and it fills with even more love, and that it isn't a competition... that she should want good things for him, just as he'll want good things for her, because they are family...
Then it might be a place to start.

Because, no, you shouldn't allow her to manipulate you. She's essentially making you choose (him or her), and you can't and you won't and she shouldn't ask you to.

I had a needy for attention child, so I know what it's like.

If you are certain you are giving her equal attention, then that's good. Keep it up. Older children do often get less attention than little ones, so their complaints of less attention are often valid.

But, assuming the attention among kids is equal: When you do spend time with her, OVERDO the attention. Make a really big deal about her. Go overboard with verbal attention. "Now I get to spend time with my BIG girl!!!" Then big hugs and kisses. "It's so much fun to hang out with my wonderful daughter!!!"" Big hugs and kisses. "I LOVE doing puzzles with my special daughter!!" Cuddle, cuddle, hug.

Hopefully you are the kind of people who are comfortable with being really verbally and physically enthusiastic, because otherwise it will feel awkward. But it works.

Those high-attention needs kids can be really exhausting and draining and sort of annoying, but if you don't give them what they need, they will just drain you even more, and probably pick on their siblings.

So try my technique; I'm pretty sure you'll notice a difference.

No offense to those below who suggest reasoning with her and telling her that families take care of each other, etc, I highly respect your opinions, as you know, but that won't work. Logic rarely works in this situation. What I am suggesting isn't bad or harmful, and won't be catering to her manipulation.

Once your kids are grown, you see just how very very young 8 year olds still are. Catering to her needs is not harmful.

Look into Love & Logic, by Jim Fay. It sounds like you are giving her attention & if you are feeling manipulated, you probably are. They have a lot of great age appropriate advice for dealing with parenting issues. Good Luck

Some kids are just this way. My oldest (an 11 yr old girl) is like this. She would have made a perfect only child. She wants attention all of the time. But she does have two younger brothers. She had a very hard time when our 8 yr old son was born, and has always seemed to resent him. She doesn't resent the 4 yr old quite as much, but resents the attention he gets. If she's not getting attention, she will do something in order to get it. It's exhausting.

Since our kids fight with each other when we try to play games together, we will play a game with one, and when it's finished we play with the others. We trade off on who gets to go first so it's fair. If it's a long game or we don't have a lot of time, then we trade off nights. My husband will play a game with my daughter one night, and then with one or both boys the next night.

I think you should ignore the guilt trips. Act very nonchalant when she starts in. If she knows it gets to you, she'll keep doing it. Give her positive reinforcement when she has waited patiently or not had a fit when you've played with little brother.

Best wishes!