Daughter (Just Turned 4) Is Scared of Men (More Info)

My daughter was the same way - but it was around her male cousins and uncles - we didn't have her in any classes with male teachers. I never left her unsupervised with a man who was not her dad, so I knew nothing was wrong. The men in my family are gruff - facial hair, stocky, deep voices, so I think that was it. She grew out of it.

As long as you are not leaving her alone with men, she should be ok. Respect her feelings on this and don't force her to be around the men who make her uncomfortable. If you force her to be around them, she will learn to ignore her instincts and to "just get over it" if she feels uncomfortable with a man - bad news.

I would ask her what she is afraid of? Maybe look online and do a little research as far as the "right" questions to ask. My 4 yr old can articulate fears. Sometimes they are unfounded and sometimes not. Also as asked previously, how many men teach 4 yr old? That's strange to me...sorry, but with all the predators out there today I wouldn't have her somewhere where she is left under a man's care. Not that a woman can't be a predator but its far less likely. Especially in most preschools where there is a teacher and assistant. Good luck!

I take issue with the folks indicating in posts that there's something odd or wrong about men teaching children. At all. That's assuming that any man who teaches any form of class to any young girl is possibly a pedophile. What about male coaches of sports teams? I don't see many women coaching little-kid soccer around here, or t-ball, etc. So should we assume all those coaches are pedophiles? Yeah, it happens. So do cases of women teachers preying on boys in their classes. Let's get past stereotyping men; we hate it when they stereotype us.

Your daughter does need to deal with this soon and you are right to want to help her. When she starts school she will encounter male teachers (gasp! Yes, folks, there are male teachers even in kindergarten classes -- I've seen it!), male coaches in gym, male principals and guidance counselors and even men who help out with her scout troop for an event or men who go on the class field trip as chaperones.

If you have already looked at and dismissed the idea that she somehow fears men because she's been abused -- that's the first thing to rule out and I'm figuring you have -- then ask yourself: Is she shy around some women too? Is she shy around other kids at all or is this related only to adults? Does she have jumpy or fearful reactions to loud noises (men's deep voices could be scary to a very young kid) and could that be in play here? Did she maybe once have a bad experience with an uncle or cousin grabbing her for a hug suddenly and startling her badly, though innocently? Just some things to think about. She is so young that you likely will not get much of an understandable response if you talk to her -- but you still should try; don't lead her but do find a time when she is calm and happy and see if you can talk to her about why she is afraid.

It might help if your whole family took an outing to someplace she really, really wants to go (amusement park, stage show or play, something special) and a close male friend of the family\, someone she's at least seen before, came along with instructions to be very low-key around her--just be there mostly in the background (to her). That might help her start to realize that she can have fun when there is a "strange" man around, and it also sends her the signal, from you and her dad, that this man is a safe person to have around her. If she gets through that experience OK and has focused on the fun event rather than on that strange man who was there, you can try other such outings, or have a male friend over when there is a cookout or other distracting event at home. She needs to see that when you and dad say these people are OK to be around, she doesn't have to worry.

She may well outgrow this; I've known other kids who outgrew fear of strangers (men and/or women) by about five or six. But if this seems very strongly tied just to men, or if her reactions worsen, I would next talk to your pediatrician for ideas.

Men have deeper, gruffer voices. It can be intimidating. It is easy then to extend that to all males she does not know. I knew a baby who would scream when a male even looked her in the eyes. She was OK with Daddy and Grandpa. And no - never abused. They are just sensitive and already know males are more authoritarian and intimidating.

That baby did grow out of it by 3-4 years old, though.

At this age, I might start worrying about your daughter's anxiety, and perhaps start her in with some type of expressive or play therapy so this phobia-like response does not continue unabated or even escalate.

How many MALE teachers does a four year old have?

My DD is more hesitant towards strange men as well. I know that I was the same when I was her age (4/5) because I remember my mom trying to make me talk to uncles and male friends of theirs I did not know well.
I simply outgrew it, I already see that my DD is getting better about it as well.

Freaking out and running out of the room on the other hand seems a bit extreme. Maybe you need to talk to your ped about it.
Personally I think it is simply behavior that I would not accept from my child, and I would simply let her know that there will be consequences if she does not behave. My DD certainly has teachers or even other kids that are not her favorites and we always say that it's ok not to like someone, but she does have to behave and remain polite.

But if she is freaked out beyond being reasonable she may have some anxiety issue. It would be better to start addressing this now... once she is school age you don't really get a choice of female/male teachers or other school officials she may encounter...

is this something new ? has she been having bad dreams as well as a new fear of strange men ? there might be something more to this.. keep an eye on her, cut back on her extra activities that might include her meeting strange men, this will give her time to adjust, without stressing her
K. h.

Sorry, but this sounds strange to me... my kids at 4 didn't seem to be scard of anything. Personnaly I have more issues with my 4 yr old wanting to hug everyone and getting in trouble for that. I think you really need to figure out why she is so scard of men... as for kids being around male teachers - my daughter's kindergarden teacher was the best and he was a male, plus it was his 1st full time teaching job. Yes, at first I though what male would want to teach kindergarden, but he was very kind to the kids, kept them in line with fun games & prizes, and had lots of cool, fun, and different ideas for the class - which helped the kids have fun & learn. I would love for him to teach any of my kids again!

But honestly - the fear your child has & the way she is acting... she may have already meet a predator. Sorry to say!

My daughter is the same way. She is 3 /2. The only man she is not afraid of is her father. She has panic attacks. Stops breathing, won't eat, won't move. People who don't know her well think she is just not hungry, shy, tired. When I see that she is panicking, I hold her facing me, tell her quietly that she is safe, get her distracted from her panic with a toy, remind her to breathe. Even at the age of 3, I sometimes have to spoon feed her at family events because she is just frozen, watching the males out of the corner of her eye. She has been like this always. The only time she has male teachers is at church. When I tell the teachers she is afraid of men, they usually make efforts to keep her physically close to the women and the men speak to her softly. It's nice to see others trying to help her.