My daughter (12) is in both competitive cheer and competitive tumbling. That's nothing new, she's been doing it for several years.
Most years she has been able to fundraise for leotards and uniforms. This year I scheduled the fundraiser for everyone (I'm the coach) and then her grandma suddenly offered to take her on vacation with them the weekend of our fundraiser so she did not participate. Everyone raised money for their cheer warmups, which will be $70. Some of the girls got enough for all their warmups paid for, some made at least half. My daughter was the ONLY one of 30 girls who did not attend the fundraiser.
Getting a warmup is not mandatory, but I think all of the girls are getting one. Of course my daughter wants one!
I think, because she did not participate in the fundraiser, that she should have to work to raise some of the money herself. We offered to pay her extra to do extra chores and her grandma offered to pay her to help her in the office. My daughter does not want to do any of these things and expects us to just buy her the warmup.
For her 2 sports we've already paid $90 for a cheer skirt and new shoes (she outgrew her skirt from last year) and $70 for a new leotard. Those are the things she HAS to have to compete. She doesn't HAVE to have a cheer warmup.
Since the other girls took 1 day to raise money, I think she should take 1 day to raise money. We'll pay the difference. She claims it "wasn't her fault grandma picked that weekend for vacation." True, but while the other girls were working, she was on VACATION.
I have to buy the warmup myself because I'm the coach and I want to match my team, so we are already spending $70 on one. I was also AT the fundraiser, supervising the whole day, and I did not get paid anything to be there. I also do many hours of work for the team that I do not get paid for simply because it's not in our budget but things need to get done. It's just the way it is, and I do it because I genuinely like it and I want to be there for the girls.
My daughter thinks it's "not fair" that I get a warmup but she has to fundraise for a day. I say, I'm the adult, I have a job and earn money, so I can buy whatever I want with it. I also think that it wouldn't hurt her to spend one day doing extra chores to EARN it.
What would you do?
Edited to add: My daughter is very close with her grandma, and goes on MANY vacations, day trips and sleepovers with them. This weekend getaway was the SECOND vacation she did with them this summer, after having gone away with them for a week earlier this summer. Going on vacation with grandma & grandpa is a nice TREAT for her, but it's not like she never sees them or does things with them! I'm not sure that throwing your responsibilities to the side because grandma and grandpa are going to die one day is the lesson I want to teach.
Thanks for the differing opinions!
Grandma and Grandpa pick the weekends for the trips that work for them, so getting them to pick a different day wasn't an option. When I mentioned that she had a fundraiser that day, their response was "She can fundraise when she gets back, she can even do work for us and we'll pay her." I thought that was a great compromise and told my daughter that the cheer fundraiser was that weekend, and that she'd be missing it if she went on vacation and that meant she would not be able to raise money for her warmup. I also told her that if she wanted a warmup she could earn one when she got back.
She told me she did NOT want a warmup.
I think she wasn't realizing the full impact of her decision because she just wanted to go on vacation. She is the type of person who just acts and doesn't think things through. She also hasn't yet started thinking of the future, she only thinks of NOW.
Now she knows that EVERYONE was at the fundraiser and EVERYONE is getting the warmup. She is now pulling the "It's not fair" card on us because she wants one. She's just sulking about it and frankly, I was super close to saying "forget it" about letting her fundraise for one and just not ordering it. She can then be the only one without.
"Fundraising" at grandma's is fine, but it also means I have to drive her 45 minutes over there and then home, and then drive 45 minutes back to get her so I was thinking just having her do extra work here would be easier on ME.
Thanks for the opinions! I appreciate it as always!
If she is not required to have the warm-up, then she can go without. If she wants it that badly, she can earn it.
I agree with you 100%. Hold the line on this - if she wants the warm up suit, she can earn it. There is nothing I would have done differently.
i don't think there's any sort of problem with her having to miss the fundraiser, but i'm with you, i'd be very taken aback at her refusal to contribute toward her warmup. especially since she's been raised by a mom who clearly expects her to work and not just sit back and get stuff.
where did the 'tude come from?
i'd stick to my guns and not budge an inch on this one.
khairete
S.
You are, in my opinion, an absolutely awesome Mom. It is the mothers like you, who raise independent successful children. Since she doesn't have to have the warmup, then you call the shots letting her know the options. You are right, you are the adult and I am so glad to see an adult who does this type of thing. Sadly, there are a lot who wonder down the road why their children won't try. So- Good luck! I am sure she won't like it, but we all have rocky roads to get where we want to go (well maybe not a few people, but most of us). I think you are definitely on the right track.
Wow. I am amazed by these replies.
Grandmas don't live forever. Mine didn't.
I think time spent with family is worth so much more than the price of a warmup. Many 12-year-olds DON'T recognize the value of family, and would rather hang out with friends.
You would have rather she skipped out on Grandma to participate in a fundraiser?
When Grandma is on her death bed, will you still feel that way?
ETA: I would pay for the warmup. And I would be thankful every day of my life that my daughter values time with her grandparents. When you are old, and you need her by YOUR side, you will be happy to have raised a daughter who cares.
I think that your plan sounds perfectly reasonable. She needs to know and understand that there are consequences to every action. You are getting the warm up because YOU are working for the money to buy it. No one is just giving you the money for nothing...that is what your daughter is missing. If she really wants the warm up, then she will step up and work for it.
Life is about choices and priorities. There will come a time when she will be in college and have the choice as to whether to go out to a party or stay and study for good grades. What will she choose? When she gets a real job, she will only get so much vacation time. Choosing to do one thing with her vacation time usually means saying no to something else. Just the way it is. I think that you are doing the right thing here.
I would hope that I would do exactly as you are doing! Great job all around!
Stick to your guns.. She was given a choice.. choices have consequences-good or bad.. She has to live with her decision. If you buy this for her, she will make the same choices again and again. Keep it simple and stick to your guns.. she does the work or does not get it.
I also believe you are right. this is a good lesson to learn and a good time to learn it. she will appreciate her stuff more!
ADD: If grandma wants to buy it so that she has it, and then she can work it off when it's convenient for YOU and Grandma to make it happen, that could be an option. But grandma should maybe send your daughter an invoice for the "Day of Work" = $xx for the suit. Make it official.
ORIGINAL: You got it right, mama. Unless grandma wants to buy it for her as a birthday present or something since she took her out of town on fundraising day, Daughter should do it herself if she wants one. You worked for the money to buy your warm up. The other girls worked to buy theirs, it's her turn to work to buy hers. Her choice.
Stay strong, Mom!! And good job!!
Yes, you are the adult and you were also there the whole day. I totally agree with you. The girls worked for a day for their warm ups and so should she. End of discussion.
You've given her fair options. She can either do the work fair and square or go without. That seems pretty fair to me.
I don't think you are being too harsh. That stuff sounds expensive and you are teaching her a great life lesson. Good job mama!
I think you are right and your daughter is being a typical teen - self centered, bratty and ungrateful! I think it's fair that you're not only willing to pay the difference, but to offer her the opportunities to do extra work for you, which basically is still you paying for the uniform.
Tell her the choice is hers - she can work for a day, earn money, and you'll split the difference or she can skip the warmups this year. Every other girl on the team worked for a day to raise their money. She can do the same or go without.
to use her own logic, How would it be "fair" to her team mates if you "just bought" her the warm up? Her team mates devoted the time to working the fundraiser and earned part or all of the money needed, you were there and supervised (therefore working the fundraiser) she was on vacation. She claims it's not fair that everyone else has one and she doesn't - okay - but's it's not fair for her to get one without working for it either.
Stand your ground on this one. I wouldn't even bring it up again, if she initiates doing work to earn the money, great. If not, no warm-ups.
I would ask her what she is going to do to earn it? She is 12 and she can do chores, work for other people (babysitting, housework), etc. I would also lay out how much you have already spent and how many hours those other girls worked to earn the same.
So if it's become "I want what they have" lay it out that her choices are x and y and that's that. I would tell her she has to stop whining or you won't order it at all.
Wow, honestly I think you're being a little petty. I never made my girls pay for their own sports stuff, and if there were "extras" I decided on a case by case basis whether we could afford it or not.
I understand making kids earn money to pay for certain things (electronics, video games, expensive toys and collectibles) but I consider expenses like sports, art/music, enrichment activities MY responsibility.
AND you're the coach! That makes it even worse. She probably already feels singled out and different and now she will be the only one without a warm up.
I understand the message you're trying to send but I have a feeling she's already so resentful she's NOT going to get it.
I think you are doing the right thing and should not back down. If you do, you run the risk of having a child with a very bad attitude and sense of entitlement. Yes, it's great that she wanted to spend time with Grandma AND she needs to contribute toward the cost of the unnecessary warm-ups or go without. Why should she get something because of the mere fact that she wants it? And having kids in competitive sports myself, I am quite certain it's not like this is the first time you have had to spend extra money on things. She is old enough now to be able to realize the expense of her activities. Not that you make her feel bad about it because obviously it is a family choice as well, but she should be appreciative of it and not expect it or take it for granted.
I personally think fundraising is lame and I would much rather pay the money. I hate annoying my friends/neighbors to sell them stuff they don't want. If other people want to fundraise, that's their perogative, and your daughter DEFINITELY should contribute and not let your daughter get a free ride off of their work or yours. If she does contribute in her own way, then that takes nothing from the other girls and their work. If your daughter would rather do chores or babysit, etc, to earn the money, more power to her. It sounds like the problem is that she doesn't even want to do that. I agree with you that she should pull her weight and pitch in. As soon as my kids start to act entitled, then that's when I know they need to earn their own stuff more than ever and I become less generous. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, and I had to pay for all my own dance costumes, dance shoes, and even the dance tuition itself! If I wanted to do extracuriccular activities I had to figure out a way to pay for it. I grew up knowing I didn't deserve anything I couldn't pay for, a lesson that has served me well as an adult.
I think you have it just right. I would start with:
-"I understand that grandma picked that weekend, so I hear you why it doesn't seem fair. But the bottom line is that you weren't at the fundraiser."
-"If it really seems so awful to do chores, that is your choice. Chores will get you the warnup, no chores and you can go without. Your choice."
I have a 13 yo girl, and we are dealing with the same stuff. She's an awesome kid, as I'm sure yours is. This is the time to teach them about hard work and sometimes hard choices. Entitlement is a terrible thing, and we are determined to squash it. I think you are a great job doing just that with your daughter. I need to take a page from your book. Great job mama!
It's unfair that she expects to be given a warm-up suit when she blew off the fundraiser. Tell her this repeatedly.
You told her she has to pay for it herself. So, she has to pay for it herself. If she continues to whine about it, I would say she's going to be doing chores and NOT getting extra money for them.
It's now a battle of wills. Will she wear you down? Sounds like she is. Stick to your guns, Momma!
Sounds kind of bratty, no?
If Grandma is offering to pay her to work for a day, have her do that or forego the warm-ups. Her choice. Yeah, it isn't fair. It also isn't fair that you and all the other girls gave up their Saturday (or whatever day) to do the fundraiser and she was on a free vacation with Grandma. So what that she didn't have a say in when it was. Life works that way: unfairly. Nobody actually thinks it is or should be "fair". If that were the case, we would all expect to have the exact same IQ, live in the exact same weather/climate, wear the exact same size clothes and would all be either girls, or all be boys and the human race wouldn't exist.
I think it is very important that kids spend time with their grandparents. However, she has a responsibility to raise the money for the warm up if she wants one. This seems like an easy one to me- she can earn the money and have one, or she can choose not to do the work and she doesn't get one. Whether or not you get one is irrelevant. You work for a living.
Next time something like this comes up and she agrees to earn the money later, put the agreement in writing before the treat/trip/etc. Lay out the terms and make her live by them. If you can't trust her to live up to what she says, get it in writing so she can't claim she didn't understand the deal.
Yes I think you are right in making her at least do something to "earn" it, even if its just extra chores. Kids who have everything handed to them are not getting any favors in life. It's a great lesson. You could even work alongside her doing whatever it is, deep cleaning or something. Stick to it mama. She may even enjoy it in the end.
Seems simple to me. She doesn't get the warmup. Keep it simple. This is what is required. You must earn your warm up just like everyone else. Then stop talking. She has you going in circles hoping to wear you down.
I don't think it would hurt her to earn some funds herself; however, she has a point about her not picking the date of the vacation so I think you need to consider the circumstances.
When grandma picked the date for the vacation, did you tell her that "that's our fundraiser weekend, Suzy can't go"? or "Suzy has to earn money for a warm up so unless you want to cover that, she can't go unless it's a different weekend" I think you should have.
If not, did you say "Suzy, grandma picked the fundraiser weekend for the vacation. If you go on vacation instead of participating in the fundraiser, you will need to do something to earn some money of your own for the warm up"? OR when grandma said when vacation was did you just say "ok" without pointing out the conflict or having your daughter decide for herself? I think that makes some difference here.
I would order her the warm up. As for who pays for it? You can decide that based on the answers to the questions above or by sticking to what you've already said.
I personally think that I would order the warm up and, if she was not told in advance and given an option, would not make her pay for it. I would at the very least consider making it a birthday or Christmas present.
**After reading your SWH...I would remind her that while she didn't pick the date, she chose to go on vacation rather than fundraise (knowing the consequence) therefore she can fundraise and you will assist (as in possibly supplement difference) or she can skip the warm-up unless she has the money already.
Oh, my. Your daughter's attitude is not unusual for her age. "Not fair" should compel everyone to do what you want them to do, right?
You could total up your time spent on the coaching and the fund-raising, give it a fair monetary value, and tell her you expect her to match that. You could say that it's "not fair" that your mother/MIL took her on a vacation and not you.
However, if I were her mama, I don't think I could say those things without laughing. It's so silly. Ask her to think about dropping the activity, since her sense of entitlement clashes with the team's real budgetary needs. Does the whole team benefit from fund-raisers? Then she, as a team member, needs to put her time in one way or another. If she does decide to put in a day of (gasp!) work, she may do it with a less-than-perfect attitude, but that's all right at twelve years of age, and you mustn't be embarrassed by it.
She needs to earn some of the money (if not all) to learn some responsibility. Its sounds like she's falling into the typical kid mindset of "parents should provide everything for me" and that's a dangerous thing. Better for her to learn how to work to get something now. Otherwise it will be a shock when she gets older and out in the world. I think you're being a very responsible parent for having her work to earn at least some of the money. (you should set an amount so she doesn't just give you $5 or something) :)
You told her ahead of time that she would need to fundraise to earn the warm-up...she then said she didn't WANT the warm-up...
now she wants you to buy her one.
Nope....
I would go ahead and order it for her, but not tell her. Then have her earn it, or part of it, so that she has worked just like everyone else. You worked that day, also, at the fundraiser, you just weren't paid for it.
I'm so glad that she wants to go on vacation with her grandparents. Don't punish her for that. Bless her for it. Buy the warmup.
Stick to your guns; she needs to learn this lesson, whether it's $70 or $700. And since her grandma offered to pay for extra chores, maybe ask her if she wouldn't mind paying for extra chores your daughter does at your house to save you the trip. (Maybe going too far: if your daughter doesn't do them with a smile, they don't count-lol :)
Did you tell her ahead of time that if she didn't attend the fundraiser then she wouldn't earn the $ for the warm up? I'm sorry but if you didn't at least give her the choice then this solution seems a little snarky on your part. I mean it would be different if she CHOSE to go on a trip rather than earning it, but for her to come back and then you say, oh you missed this fundraiser so now you have to work for me...I don't know, it just doesn't sound right.
It's hard enough when your mom's the coach, I think the least you could do is try to cut your daughter a break, or at least be VERY upfront with her re your expectations.
My now 20 year old daughter was a competitive softball player, figure skater and dancer. It was not uncommon to drop $500-$800/month for her activities so I wouldn't have blinked at a $70 warm up suit. My daughter is very gracious, thankful and has always appreciated her pretty charmed life so I wouldn't have had to teach her the lessons your step daughter clearly needs.
You gave her the options upfront and I think she needs to live with her consequences. Hopefully some of her behavior of being so self centered will mellow out before your baby comes, I'm guessing it's going to be a long haul.
Get her the needed things and if she wants extra's have her earn the money to pay for it.
I'd go ahead and buy it with the others so you don't have to do a special order but don't let her know you have it at all. Tell the person you are ordering it from to not mention it to her.
You know, if she's doing really well and Christmas comes around that could be her only gift. Her attitude and sad and spoiled sounding.
Our tumbling show team leo was $74.95 and the shorts were $18.95. I know how much these things cost. It was sticker shock for me for a long time. But now I go to GK or some other site and see leo's for $400 and up, I know ours could be much worse.
Our girls hip hop shoes are $54, her tap shoes are $36.95, her ballet shoes are $29.95. Then there's the class leo, it was $49.95. And costumes...don't get me started......
Your daughter needs to learn humility. Buy working her to earn money by working for someone else and not you she will learn more I think than doing something for you.
I personally think fundraising has gotten out of control, and I was a professional fundraiser for various non-profits. I understand the concept of a child "working" towards a goal but most fundraising that kids do is asking for other adults to give them money for good or services the adults usually don't want. Selling magazines, gift wrap, cookie dough, chocolate, etc. People buy them to be nice. If your family has made the commitment to a sport the assumption is that your family will pay for it. Why don't your grandparents pay for her uniform since they caused the problem. I feel that a lot of fundraising by children is similar to pan-handling and I would not consider that your daughter "worked" for it. It's charity. Sorry to sound cranky but I'm tired of parents pushing their expenses onto everybody else.
Did she have a choice about going with grandma or the fundraiser or was it not her choice? If she had no choice but to go with grandma then I might be more willing to pay for the warmup, but if she had a choice then she most certainly needs to earn the money herself.
Since she doesn't have to have the cheer warm-up, I would definitely say she needs to earn it by doing some extra chores or pay for it herself using her allowance, birthday money, or other money she has. She chose to go on vacation and so she has to choose how badly she wants the warm-up.
If she was informed that she would have to pay for the items herself for not attending the fundraiser then she made an informed choice and must pay for them herself. If she was not informed I think it may not be appropriate to have her pay.
Well, is was not her fault per say, that she did not attend the fundraiser.
It was her Grandma, that "suddenly" took her on a vacation trip with them.
She didn't have to go.
You could have told Grandma no, she is already committed to something.
Because, the fundraiser was already planned, before Grandma took her on that "sudden" trip with them.
I wouldn't penalize your daughter for that.
Sure, she can pay for some of it. Does she not already have some money saved up, via prior chores etc.?
She can use that.
She needs to make a choice.
But there was also a choice about her going on that "sudden" trip with Grandma or not. And therefore, she was not there for the fundraiser like everyone else.
You should buy the warm-ups and have her work it off over the year. She doesn't have to do it all in one day does she?
My dd was in gymnastics...we never did the fundraisers, I just paid for the leos, and warm up uniforms...but we usually got them cheap because my dd was small and we'd buy other people's hand me downs... I think kids have enough going on - they shouldn't have to earn money at that age
She would have to earn the money just like the other girls did.
As for "fair?" What would not be fair is if she showed up in the same warm-up suit as the other girls, but she didn't have to earn the money for it. She chose pleasure over work - now she suffers the consequences. It's a good life lesson.
I'd hit grandma and grandpa up for the money since it's their trip that borked the whole thing in the first place. ;)
