Dating with Kids,are They Ready the Kids I Mean

Updated on May 08, 2010
S.R. asks from Allentown, PA
13 answers

Hi I have been divorced for 4 years and I have a 20 year old a 16 year old doesn't care but my twin 13 year old daughters are a different story they are jealousthey don't want me to.can I please get some advice.p.s.I am not in a relationship and is just in case that prince charming comes.thanks S.

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

I was 13 when my mom started dating. I hated it. I hated the divorce because it turned my life upside down.

I felt like she was very selfish to be looking after her own "needs" and moving on instead of caring for us. She (and Dad) began to start new lives but here we were having to deal with the broken home, splitting time with 2 families, being torn on both sides. My brother and I will always feel resenrtment toward them. My goal was to get out as soon as I could. I did...I managed to get a college scholarship, I threw my life into studies, I got a good job, I moved a plane ticket away from everyone.

When my mom went out, I was put in a position to babysit with NO pay for her friends when they went out.

I think if you hide your dating, you are teaching you kids not to trust you. If you hide that,,,,,then what else are you hiding from them???

13 is an emotional age with teens dealing with all kinds of physical and hormonal changes. Throwing in divorce and mom dating is more than some kids can handle. It finalizes that there will never be mom and dad again and a home they once shared.

If anything good came out of it for me...it was my sheer determination that if I did marry, I would stick to my committment and make it work. Fortunately, my husband has they same thoughts and we communicate with each other and keep our marriage strong. We've been together 25 yrs, married 22 this year.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

I totally understand that you don't want to be alone, but I recommend spending time with yourself and with friends till they're older.

I will answer from the point of view of the teenager. My parents divorced when I was 10. Mom didn't wait very long to date, and I don't think she thought of us at all, really. She was just looking for someone to "take care" of her. Every person you date and bring into your home will have an impact on your children. In my case, the first boyfriend was very uncomfortable to be around. I don't think he was interested in having a relationship with us - just her. Next was a marriage, to a mentally unstable individual who would have been sexually dangerous to me if she hadn't divorced him first. then a few boyfriends after that. If they had kids, hopefully we all got along.

It's exhausting emotionally. It's risky. I don't mean make the kids your life, but they need to be your main focus. Once they are adults, it'll be better for everyone all around.

Take care!

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A.C.

answers from Houston on

I remember being angry at everything at that age for no apparent reason. It is very self-centered age and it is all about how it affects them. They are old enough to understand but still have some emotional growing up to do.

As long as you are extemely selective about who comes into their lives and balance your dating life and home life...you might just have to let them be angry.

Four years is enough time, but a lot depends on how your marriage and divorce were...and their relationship with their dad today.

Kids can put a lot of pressure on a new relationship...even when everyone gets along. It might be worth a little family therapy to ensure the healthiest start possible. There might be some underlying issues all of your kids haven't shared or don't know how to discuss with you.

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S.P.

answers from Minneapolis on

Your children are old enough to know that you you need to care for yourself and that developing and maintaining adult relationships is important. Love is a fundamental human need and you have both the right and the responsibility to take care of yourself. While I have made a different decision for myself and my daughter, and chosen not to date right now, I believe that it is a healthy choice for most others. My own choice results from my knowledge that *I* am not in a place where I could have a healthy and happy relationship with someone to model for my daughter. But if I was, and my daughter was old enough to understand the situation, then I would be all for it.

Your daughters may be upset and angry about it - that is understandable because their lives will be different - but they will get over it. :)

Good luck!

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L.N.

answers from New York on

four years is a long time. if your kids were little, they would not understand, and i would say no, wait, put your kids first. your kids will be off on their own in 5 years (for the twins), you need to find your prince charming.
that said, be careful whom you introduce in their lives. make sure the relationship between you and the new man is strong and going towards something before you allow him to meet your kids. meeting new men in your life, one after another, will cause huge problems for your kids. good luck

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Keep your dating life separate--you could date but do it when they are otherwise occupied. They obviously aren't ready for that yet.

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G.H.

answers from Chicago on

you should date since it's been 4 yrs...that doesn't mean your kids have to be a part of it.... date when they are not around & don't bring the guy around them at all......just let them know that you will respect their wishes, but hiding it from them will teach them to be sneaky & you want an open/honest relationship with your girls.... remind them if & when they are ready to meet someone you decide to date seriously, you will be asking for their opinion & critique & you will be doing the same to any boys they are interested in in the future.

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S.M.

answers from Casper on

For now I would be sneaky about it. Arrange your dates while they are at school, and don't bring anyone to meet them until you've been dating a while, like six months. That way they don't end up getting upset over a guy who is not going to pan out anyway, and they have a chance to grow up a bit. I agree your kids are old enough to understand, but even on adult kids, divorce is just like losing a parent, or having a death in the family, so even 4 years later, they may not be their rational and best selves. Add that to being a teenager, and life will be a bit crazy.

If you keep it under the table, when you do decide to bring someone in, make sure he knows that the kids don't know about him at all. I think setting up consequences, good and bad at that point would be a good idea. For example, if they are rude to you and your new 'friend' they might be grounded, but if they are nice they might get to do some age-appropriate activity that they would look forward to.

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S.D.

answers from Topeka on

I would date without them knowing it.I wouldn't think about bringing a guy home and they see him in their home the next morning know way.Explain if they ask questions that your going out with a friend no need to go into detail If there is mr.right he needs to know your situation and when the 2 of you are ready to be introduced to your children then you will.But it's not a good idea in my mind that what ever guy comes along to introduce them to every Tom,Dick,&Harry.If your ready to date go for it

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H.H.

answers from Sharon on

You need to live your life. In a few years like the older children the girls wont care what your doing they will have their own lives and you will be sitting alone while they are out doing their own thing. Just be open and honest with who ever you date and involve the girls with your prince charming as much as possible so they dont feel left out. Right now they feel threatened by another man in your life. Show them just because you date doesnt change your love for them. Good luck

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Teenagers can be very self centered. They hate anything that might take attention away from them. They might be more ready for you to begin dating in a few years when they become interested in dating themselves. In 5 more years your younger ones will be close to leaving the nest, and you'll have all kinds of freedom to do as you please. Hang in there.

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J.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

there is a good book called, "Mom there's a man in the kitchen and he's wearing your robe" written by Ellie slott Fisher. It's a good book for mothers dating again with children. Take a look! I hope it helps. It's a quick read and the author has been through it before.. Good luck!

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C.H.

answers from Allentown on

Hopefully you been going out with girlfriends, etc during this time period, if not start there and yes you need to make a life for yourself. Don't need to say going out with a guy, just leave house and meet them at restaurant, etc. Don't introduce anyone until its been several months and long term is being considered.

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