Dad Is Not Seeing His Kids

That is his problem not yours. You need to move on! Live your own life and you will be much happier. If he ever wants to see his kids, he can ask. Maybe you'll be too busy! If you are not busy and IF the kids want to see their dad, let it happen. The kids will figure out where they stand with him (I bet they already have) and won't want to go where they are not wanted.

My husband is the product of divorce. The kids were 5 and 9 when they split. His mom really tried for years to get dad to take the kids and even bought him tickets to ball games and things so they'd have fun. But time with their dad was not fun and they dreaded seeing him. After a while she stopped forcing it and he stopped taking them. The 2 boys have both tried as adults to have a civil relationship with thier dad (he remarried when they were in HS and college) but it was strained and they know he doesn't care about them. Now they don't care about him. It's sad, but you just can't control HIS relationship with his kids.

Stop asking him for things he can't give you. (Even the shower thing was unnecessary, ask a neighbor.) He is obviously not in a supportive place in his life and doesn't want to help you. Stop asking. You can't force this. You cannot change the way he thinks. You can only change yourself or the way you react.

Have you ever heard this?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Realize what you have control over and what you can change. You cannot change HIM. Accept that. You CAN change the way YOU think, the way you react to him, and the way you live your life. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment and start doing things that make you happy! I know it sounds harsh, but this is the advice you'd get from a therapist! Save the money and try it yourself. I hope you are able to find some peace.

i have many friends in situations like this. i believe you will be much happier if you can let him go, forget about what he's doing and just concentrate on you and your kids. if you can come to the realization that this is just how it is, then you leave no room for disapointment.

D.
I have to say a agree with shell l. I like to give you a child's point of view. This was our case when I was growing up only my father was not a truck driver, he lived about 2 1/2 blocks away from our home and he didn't support us. There's 6 kids in our family. Knowing we were about to move to another state he still didn't come see us. It was about 4 years before we saw him again, then anywhere between 2-7 years in between each of us. My mother was wonderfull. She only spoke of their good moments and their dates. Once we were old enough, we made up our own minds about him and we do carry relationships with him. He knows things weren't great and he does try to clear things up with us. Now it's up to us to decide if we want to persue the friendship and with our teachings from mom we don't hold resentment and he is really sorry now. I hope it doesn't reach that point for your blessed children but i also suggest to speak to him and make sure that it shakes him up to realize NOW not too late

Hi,

I have 2 daughters each with different dads and one dad, the youngest ones dad, is the only one who seems to pay any attention and has for years! I try to instill in my older daughter that her dad loves her but has a life outside of ours and that he has to do what he needs to do! I do not want to breed any hard feelings should some day he want to be a part of her life. I am not sure exactly if there is a right or wrong way to deal with the situation but I certainly do not want to inflame my child against her father. Kids at some point also begin to realize the difference in the relationship with their missing parent and will have to deal with that on their own! Good Luck to you because it is very difficult to know the right and wrong way to deal with that situation....

D

You can't! You simply have to accept the fact that being a parent is not a priority in his life. You can not force someone to spend time with their kids - and if you could, is that the relationships that you want them to have with their father?

Explain to the kids that you re always going to be there for them and that at this time, their father is trying to figure out his own life. Don't talk bad about him - just remind them of your always being there for them and the fact that you love them more then anything. They will hopefully see how hurtful this behavior can be and in return become wonderful adults who think about the feelings of others!

I myself went through something simular with my daughters dad. And I hate to reitterate what you dont want to here but these other moms are right. It took me almost 4yrs of chasing him trying to make him be a dad and guess what IT DOESNT WORK!!!!!!
It truely is a sad story everytime it happens to anyone but you only make your children misarable when you are misarable. If you and your kids are happy and not waiting for the phone to ring eventually they too, will stop watching the calander for how many days have passed since they have seen their dad.
The best thing you can do for you and your kids is to move on for the both of you and stop being angry because in reality it is getting you no where.
Sorry
M.

Good for you. Less drama and worry. Offer to lend a CB to your children, so they can talk to Dad on the frequency of his CB when he's local and on the phone when he's long distance.

You seem to be in the same situation as I. My ex lives 3 hours away and on paper has liberal visitation with the children, yet he has chosen not to take it for over 2 1/2 yrs with our kids, 13yr old boy and 15 yr old girl. He started out 7 yrs ago seeing them, when either I, his sister or mother picked them up and dropped them off. Then he started skipping visits, after talking to the kids on the phone and saying he'd be there. One time he was flying into town from seeing a girlfriend in Alaska at 530 am so the kids were up and packed and waited 3 hrs and he didn't bother to call to say that he wasn't coming, though from the airport less than 2miles from our home it was a local call and would have been the right thing to do. Took us 3 days to figure out what had happened and if he was alright. The kids were worried he never made it to the plane, the plane crashed, something and rightfully so. Bawling 7 and 9 yr old children are no fun and scares the hell out of a parent, knowing someone else is causing this pain, someone who made them and is supposed to put them first.

I was married to my ex for 10 years, separated another 2 and in that time I learned how vindictive he could be. I put the kids into counseling so they understood that it wasn't their problem but HIS. I reassured them that he loved them, just not the way we wanted him to show it, like taking his visitation time with them, calling, sending birthday or Christmas cards, etc. Now the kids are older and truly want nothing to do with him whatsoever. It is a sad place for them but I try to keep them from truly hating him. Their hearts are closed off to him right now. Maybe when they are adults they can confront him, though we've been told that he won't contact them because of me. He promised me when I left that he would make me pay for leaving, through the kids. It took a few years but he has done it. But in the end it is he that suffers and the kids don't ask about him at all. We have his phone number finally but they refuse to use it as the last call that was placed was when my 15 yr old was missing for 40hrs and his girlfriend called to see if "THEY" could do anything. He didn't even have the nerve to ask me himself. Sad. When my daughter found out his gf called, she was mad and refused to call him back, and I feel rightfully so. I told her it was her choice and she says she refuses to speak to his gf who has 5 kids of her own.

I know what you are going through and the pain your kids are experiencing. I found that I truly had to stop expecting anything from him, as other moms have posted here, and then we weren't disappointed and the kids weren't left feeling hurt by his inactions.
Try some counseling for them, one on one if you can. They need to get their feelings out and be reassured that it isn't them, it is his choice to live his life the way he wants.
My husband has taken on the role of dad with the kids and takes them places that my ex should. We have 5 kids between us, my two, his 17 yr old son (we are custodial), his 8 yr old daughter who lives a mile from us, and our 5 yr old son. My husband tries to do things with all the kids individiually. It might not be every week since he has a very demanding job and doing something with each kid would take 5 nights a week, but he does try to take them for a day every month and spend one on one time with them. When his daughter is here most of the time he takes the 2 youngest somewhere together so they can play.
Your boyfriend sounds really understanding and wants what my husband wants from my ex too, but as we have learned, with my ex, and his ex wife, we cannot make them be good parents.
I hope you have a good visitation schedule set up, and I learned to follow that, not allow my ex whenever he wanted if he just happened to show up in town (though he did deliveries here in town every day of the week for over a year, he never called his kids once during that time). I never ask anything of my ex that is outside the scope of the agreement or financially. I just don't rely on him. He is incapable of giving the kids what they need or putting them before himself.

We are revising the parenting plan since in OR if the parent does not have contact for a year with the child/ren, that is considered abandonment and grounds for parenting time to be cancelled. I've given him almost 3 years to fix this and I won't have him giving the kids false hope any longer.
Good luck to you. It is always hard on us when we split up and we don't want our children to suffer, but some men just can't seem to cope with the loss either, even if it's what they want and children are a reminder to them that they failed as a husband and father. (At least that's the perspective many GOOD dads still involved have given me as a reason why a father would abandon their child, and also the psychologists we've seen).

Lots of hugs to you. Stop calling him and let him be. If he knows when he's to have the kids, well, that's his problem. If you need to call to see if he is taking the kids on his time, do so but give him a day to call by to confirm. If he doesn't then keep track on a calendar, etc of the times you have tried to foster the relationship between the children and their father. If he doesn't call by that day, then make your own plans and don't let him disrupt them. Keeping track of things is very helpful later on, especially if he is vindictive and states you haven't worked with "his" needs and schedule changes. Make a simple call before an upcoming visitation time, state he needs to give you an answer by X date and stick to it. No answer means no visitation. Do this for a few months and don't discuss anything else with him. It's hard, but chasing him down will make him more spiteful and incapable of giving what the kids truly need. He needs to do this on his own.
Lots of hugs. So been there done that. :-)

D.,
Sorry to hear that another mom has to deal with this issue, and sorry for the kids.
There is no way you can make the dad be a dad if he doesn't want to be. The kids will make up their own minds and feeling on their dad.
Remember that in the long run they will know who they can trust and they know who they can go to for anything, which is you because you are always there for them.
Some guys are not cut out to be dads, and when they decide to put their kids on a shelf and take them off when they want to play, (like a child would do with a toy), then you don't want that for your kids.

I have dealt with the same thing for the past 15 yrs. and it is not an easy situation, but i always try and be their for my son, when his dad drops the ball in every area of our son's life.

Remember your break is when they get married and have their own kids and you are the grandparent, and your ex isn't.

Hang in there and just remember to always support your kids, and hold your toung around them about their dad, no matter how hard it get.

hope this helps a little.

Happy Turkey Day

ditto to all the other mom's suggestions. I would add another reason for not bad mouthing your ex to the kids. Their father is a part of them, genetically and emotionally even if he doesn't see them. When you bad mouth him you are also bad mouthing them. It changes the way that they think of themselves.

I would also emphasize having no drama with him or the kids. Take the attitude that this is just the way it is. Not knowing what your relationship with him is I can't say if you should call him to remind him of birthdays or to invite him to take the kids to a movie or whatever you can think of. It's possible, since he's not spent time with the kids that he's uncomfortable and doesn't know what to do with them. Don't tell the kids you're calling or even the results of the phone call unless you're sure he'll show up.

If he has a girlfriend with whom you can be friendly it might work to arrange get togethers thru her.

I do think it's important for kids to have a positive relationship with both parents. But you can't force it. I wish you luck.