Custody Options

Wow, I usually never have time to read this any more, but happened to stumble upon this. My husband and I are going through the same thing, but we have met with 1 lawyer and agreed on all custody stuff. If I were you, I would try a mediator so you both can sit down and discuss things together. We have 3 little kids 6, 3, and 1 so a 3/4 thing is not an option....you could even discuss doing something for now and changing it once she is older. We are doing every other weekend and where he comes over 1 night a week... Little kids should not get passed around so young, they need stability.

Anyway, hope that helps.

You definately need the advice of a great attorney that knows the INS and outs of your childs and your interest. It would be great to mediate, with your attorneys present, and resolve issues without court intervention. It's always better to work together for your child than it is to have a stranger sitting behind a legal desk make decisions about how you will spend time with your child. One of the key aspects of the legal paperwork is sorting out the parenting role as either 'primary' or 'secondary' residential parent, the percentage of overnights spent at each home, how the details of visitation will be such as daily, weekly, summers, birthdays, holidays, right of first refusal if the child needs alternate care, insurance coverage and then support, including college. Once the agreement becomes a Final Judgment it will be very hard to go back and change it unless you have a time or provision in there to say it can be revisited in x amount of time. You actually may want a revisit date in there so it gives you a chance to try the schedule and see how your daughter is doing.... Maybe revisit in 6-12 months or something, sooner if necessary. She will likely need a while toadjust anyway. I would HIGHLY recommend getting her to a psychologist for children. My stepson was 4.5 when his parents split and started a child psychologist thereafter and still goes. Even the psych says he'd be a far different kid if he didn't have him as a totally seperate person to talk to and confide in. He's wonderful and my stepson is now 13 and an honor roll kid, even after a very high conflict divorce. His parents still don't get along. Sad. Email if you want, I've done tons with the pinellas family courts and mediators in the last 8 years!!

Sorry for what you going thru, it hard when you are not ready. This is a part of life we have to face and we were not though of how too. I tell you what my ex and I still in courts coming from others states, new to florida, law is different. The law actually just change in FLorida Oct 1 2008. Google the law and read the whole chapter and you would see that is very hard to get full custody, unless you show that he is a criminal, is sad but thru dont spend the money your daughter can enjoy instead of paying for the lawyers kids to go to college and become lawyers. I tell you what, this stuff can reflect on the child behavior. Give a try to what you ex is asking you, see how it works. But be strong and face the reality, dont used the child to get back at him. I act as if God would be the one asking me why, I did it and why I didnt. Is hard cause I have been very fair to my ex husband and he now he wants more than 50% cause he afraid that I make less than him and he has to pay me. But I dont care about the money, I give it all for my baby girls, she just turn four and time goes too fast. Enjoy your child and dont become bitter. A second of her life is precious. Good Luck with everything. And get in church and find a support group as well of even go to the gym when the baby is with the father. Then you be taking care of yourself for her and feeling great.

Can you continue to live together. This may hinder both of you when it comes to dating, but if you are looking out for your child's best interest perhaps dating should be an option in a few more years. Since your husband travels and you both plan to be amicable, staying in the same house may be a financially, and emotionally sound option. I know it's unconventional, but you have obviously lived together for at least three years, so why not 8 more until your daughter can handle a separate situation.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. Divorce is a very hard thing. Is he refusing to file because he thinks there is something to save? Have you looked into marriage counseling?

Second of all, as a mother you have to look out for what is best for your daughter. She needs concistantcy. At her age I think that a every other weekend and one night a week is more than fair for him, especially if you have been her primary care giver.

Since you work full time I am assuming that she goes to day care. Try to get written statements from employees in the day care as to who ussually picks her up and drops her off. Your Dr. or anyoe else who has seen that you are the one responsible for her, this will help you in a fight for primary custody. If you have primary custody, this will also enable you to collect child support. If you do a 3/4, 4/3 custody agreement this will get him out of any child support. I do not know if money is an issue for you or him.

Again my heart goes out to you. Don't forget during all this to take time for yourself. This will help you have the energy to get through this.

Hi Amr,
So sorry to hear this! It is a sad time for all concerned and will be even more in the future. As your Daughter grows and even now it would be really good to be sure that she knows for sure that it has nothing to do w/ her & it is not her fault. (kids tend to blame themselves)
I agree with you that is too much juggeling around for your Daughter. She will need to feel stability even more now. Gosh there are so many combinations that you & your soon to be ex can consider but if I may I would suggest that you impress on him that it is your Daughters emotional health both now & in the future that you 2 need to work towards. I feel that her needs should come before the adults who can handle a situation that is not quite what they would like.
I think I like the idea of her having 1 place that she feels is home & another that is a "vacation" home. You could either alternate Holidays or do the AM/PM thing.
I would like to share a situation that just happened in our family. Mt Nephew & wife split. They have 2 Daughters who are about college age. There was bad stuff on both sides but I won't go there. They tried the mediation thing which I guess is a first step law here in Fl. Well it took about 5 min for the mediator to know that wasn't going to fly so they went to court.
Mediation is worth a try especially if bvoth people are willing to not get all that they want & put their kids first. If it doesn't work then a judge will decide what is best but that can get nasty!
Please let us know what happens.

S.

My son just turned three and we have been dealing with custoday since he was about your daughters age. Our solution was two weeks with one parent, then two weeks with the other. It seems to work for us. It gives him time to adjust and spend time with both parents. It is hard for me being away from him for that long, but it won't be forever and he loves spending time with his dad. No matter what it will be an adjustment. Good luck!

OK the first thing you need to do is talk to your soon to be ex and ask him to go and see a child psychologist with you and they can stand on the outside looking in. Your therapist would be able to tell you about a good one in your area. Then you need to make sure you can use what he has to say in the judgement that you all reach. It has to be only about what is best for your little girl. Because he travels you need to have full custody and he have her on the weekends. Maybe later when she gets adjusted to the situation he can have "sleep overs" with daddy on the week nights but only when it is good for her. You are doing the best thing for her now because she is so young this wont scar her. Staying together and listening to the fighting and feeling the antimocity between the two of you will. Good luck with everything.

So sorry about your divorce. It is never easy or good or amicable. Let the lawyers work it out, that is what you are paying them for. BUT stick to your guns. If you want joint custody and he works like he does ask for weekend visitation. But be prepared to compromise on other things that are less important. My divorce (after 19 years of marriage) took 2 years but I had the final say were my daughter was concerned.....I was willing to stay married on paper before I would agree to the things he wanted regarding our daughter. Talk to a councelor and listen to their advice. If this isn't a big deal to you and they say your daughter will be fine, then don't fight it. THE CHILDREN ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOVE ALL ELSE! Your family will be in my prayers.

Go to court it's the only way things will be fair and in stone.It's jsut taking it out of emotional hands and making the best decision.Which once a judge says it your ex can't argue with you over it and everyone can move on.
I did the 3/4 thing with my dd at the same age,she was fine because I also put her into a daycare central to both so she had that same thing everyday.I can't say it wasn't hard but she was fine.It saved bickering over days,times,sideways glances LOL We had it worked out then went in,many bumps along the way but the judge made it final and everyone understood their part.
Ask so that when he's away that is your time and he comes back then it's his turn.Hate to say but it was nice having a day to catch my breath and deal,plus I knew she was fine afterall it's her Daddy not a babysitter.I planned my life around the schedule and it was easier on everyone.Be flexible it's less stress on the kid..We have been doing this for 7 years and as long as you can be flexible it can work,but you have to make it work for her,not him...She's owed a life with Dad,no matter how we feel about it/him.
This can work,even tho it sucks..My hardest thing was letting go of being a Mom 3 or 4 days a week,you can't just shut it off.It hurt deeply but I adjusted and thought she's with her Dad whom she loves and adores.
Going to court doens't mean someone is diggin the other it's just fair and done with.I have Primary and he's got visitation.He'd still argue the fact but it is what it is says the judge LOL See what I mean?;)
They like to see you have an ammicable idea of what is needed for the child,so yes work something out before hand but the Judge is the last say..And can be your best friend if dealing with an arguementative ex..
Best of luck..

I am very sorry that this is happening to you, My suggestion is that you do not do the 4/3 or 3/4 due to her age that will not work especially if he is traveling who will have the baby!when he is out of town.If he is not going to see her in that time anyway what is the sense, keep you baby and when he is in town he can set a schedule with you to spend time with her at your house, but please if this happens do not give him a hard time when he comes over we women tend to do this just let him enjoy his time with his daughter what ever you are feeling at that time just bite your tongue no matter what the circumstance. Also let him know this is just until she getting a little older. It can be unhealthy for a baby to go back and forth like that.

Good luck and god bless,
T.

Hi Amr,
I am sorry for your stress and anxiety and I definitely can relate. My son's father sent a court order to my house demanding 50/50 custody when he was only 6 months old. My experience was that each side always asks for more than they actually want, in order to compromise later. I would definitely try mediation first before going through a judge. This way, it is a formal discussion between the two of you with your lawyers and a neutral party present (less expensive as well). 4/3 seems like an awful lot of juggling. Every other weekend seems more appropriate. Hang in there, I'm sure you can work something out that will be in the best interest of your daughter.

Can i just ask what lawyer you are using ? And how much he charges you. I sepereated from my daughters father last may and now we are dealing with a perternity suit adn cant find a lawyer to do me any good money wise....

When my husband and I first separated, our daughter was a couple months shy of 3 yrs old ... we chose to pick specific days and stick that way she could circle the calendar and know exactly when she was going to see daddy.

Consistency for them is the best, I am sure your marriage counselor/therapist will tell you.

It is a hard transition for her, make sure you tell her how much you both love her, try to ensure that her daddy keeps to the schedule so as not to disappoint her ... it is hard but definitely helps.

There are a lot of books out there ... this one seemed to interest her the most:

It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky

Good luck! Let me know if you want to bounce any more things off of me :)

E.

Ok Amr..... I have read/ at least skimmed most of your responces. First I have to say that I am very against the 1st responce about continuing to live together-talk about confusing for the child ESPECIALLY when she is older. She will better handle your seperation now at 2 than at 4 or 6 or 10....

I am also against 3/4 4/3-I think that it is too much on a child. I do think that he has every right to be involved in his daugthers life. So I think that you should have set days each week that he gets her 1-2 nights and then every other weekend.

Divorce is hard-I have never personally been thru it, but my sister in law has been thru 2 and I have seen what she and her x husbands have done to the now 3 children.

you have to put your feelings aside and think about the child.

I am largely in favor of 3rd party mediation.

And also it IS true that the person who files pays-you pay the filing fee... you may be able to get your husband to pay some of it thru some rulings in the divorce.

But I think that if he hasnt filed, that you should....because if 3rd party mediation doesnt work, or you dont do it- you will have a little bit of an upper hand

Get a good lawyer

Good Luck

I am currently assisting my brother in law with his custody and I strongly suggest to negotiate your agreement and skip the long and expensive process. Between both parties to only obtain temporary custody it has been over 20K. Can you imagine what schools you can chose for that? We have learned that a judge wants shared custody and if it is sought it will be granted unless there is a reason beyond travel, laziness, adultery, etc. This has been heartbreaking to watch and unnecessary with slandering, psych visits, testing, etc not only for the parents, but the child. I strongly suggest removing your feelings from the situation and thinking what is best for your daughter. You have a chance in mediation to have a 3rd party assist with the communication. Take advantage of it. Remember she is only two year old and growing fast. Put yourself in her shoes; would you want to be without your father at 2, 10, and 15? Give it some time, thought and prayer.

If you do shared custody of your daughter it can be very very hard on the child. Not only that but you cannot remove her from the state without giving up your custody or getting approval from your x to move. You definately need to talk to your lawyer to discuss all the ins and outs of this kind of decision and see what they think you need to do. If he does lots of traveling all the more reason for you to have full custody and him to have visitation rights only. Why don't you think you can get full custody. If you are a capable person to take care of the child, the judge mostly favors with the mother to have custody.

Right now I know of a couple who got a divorce and did the shared custody of the child. They do one week on and one week off. The children are now 7 and 9, the older one tells his mom he wants to just stay wiith her. He has his clothes at one house and moves from house to house each week... it is very hard on the child. From having a 4 year old grandson who has stayed at my house alot he just wants to go home and stay at home.

Hi:

I have been through a divorce that took 3 years to finalize, which was April of 2005, and we have been in court a few times per year since 2005.

I suggest you mediate, but not a block schedule on and off. That schedule is for a teenager, in my opinion.

I have tons of advice for you, if you want to email me directly. Mediation is best, but stick to what you want. If you are in Pinellas county, the judges are more father oriented. Go with a schedule that is best for your child and get your ex to agree in writing through the attorney's. Bargain for it if you have to by giving him something you want, but don't give up the farm over it. Custody, visitation and child support can ALWAYS be re visited by a judge no matter what your agreement, but you can never get back your half of assets, so be careful. Your ex could agree to your schedule and then come back a year later and say he changed his mind and take you to court again and again. Have your attorney word any agreements so it makes it hard for your ex to continue going back to court and wear you down. It is always best to negotiate with your ex because judges do not always decide in the best interest of the child. Sometimes they have other reasons to make judgements. Another good resource is guardian ad litem, they will visit with you and your child, as well as your ex and "report" what is best for the child.

Email me if you have more questions...

Peace to you,
A.

Read the book The Shack. It may not save your marriage (or it might). But it WILL give you peace through this turbulant time in your life. It is a compelling book that will change the way you think about things. VERY helpful....

God BLess

I have seen this arragement work, however, neither of them traveled for their jobs. Reality is that most likely you will be the custodial parent with traditional visitation because of your husband's (STBX) job. With that said, when I went through my divorce, the courts do encourage the parties to try to work out an agreement regarding property and custody. Paperwork does have to be filed and really does not matter who files it - that part is about economics - who has the money to file (by the way, the cost can be shared between you and him). As for custody, I would remind your attorney that he works and travels extensively so the reality of 3/4 & 4/3 working is remote to unreasonable because of his traveling.

Definitely get an attorney. I interviewed six of them before I picked one.I interviewed one attorney who tried offered the same thing as what your stbx brought to the table -- agree to everything beforehand, & he would draw up the papers. Trouble is, he's actually working for the one who retained him (your hubby). You need one for yourself. Things get missed & you want someone looking out for your best interests. My ex is currently trying to deny me primary residential parent to my two kids. In my parenting plan (You'll need one of these along with a divorce class): I suggested the 2nd & 4th weekends of each month and every Tuesday along with which holidays he would be his turn.

I personally don't like the 4/3-3/4 split. I think for any age that is just way too confusing and hard to handle. Plus if your husband travels a lot, what will he do if he is gone and has your daughter for those days? Makes no since to me. I would suggest going the "typical" route of you having her 5 days a week and your (ex) husband having her on the weekends, share holidays, etc.

As for the last responce before me, I tend to disagree with handling it better when older. The longer your daughter sees Mommy & Daddy living together the more she will come to believe that is how it should always be. How would you explain to her 8 years from now that you have been divorced, but still living together "for her" but now that time has come to an end? If you split now, she won't remember it being any other way when she is older.

I wish you lots of luck in this very tough situation.

Well I hate to say this but the lawyer is right you do need to try and make an effort to work it out cause if you do not try in advance chances are the judge will send you to mediation anyhow before making a ruln been there done that..... if you do not agree then you simply tell him that that is not a stable lifestyle for a 2 year old especially if he travels so much. Inte state of florida they give joint phyiscal and legal custody unless you can prove he is unit this does NOT mean a almost 50 50 spilt, my ex and I have joint custody but I have my kids all the time he gets every other weekend and holiday rotation. You could be nice and try something like every other weekend and a night during the week while he is in town, but if you are not comfortable do not agree to anything let the judge decide. Unless you are not unfit mother and he is not an unfit father neither of you should will probably get full custody.

good luck!