I was wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing with an ex husband who is a bully? My family recently moved due to military transfer, I have twin daughters from a previous marriage whom I hold full legal and physical custody. The girls father is taking me to court for custody on grounds that I moved on purpose to keep him out of their life. (I wish military moves were optional because I don't think we had a choice) His current evidence is a picutre of a black eye one of my girls got while rough playing on the bed and when she fell off she hit the night stand. He also has a copy of a myspace comment I made thanking a guy friend who lived next door for staying with us one night when our power went out and the weather was extremely bad. Hail, tornados, you name it we had it. My husband at the time was out of town, and our friend only stayed until the power returned on sometime right after 12am. Anyway, I am currently trying to work out visitations with my ex and it seems if I dont do things the way he thinks I should he threatens court, or tells me he is contacting his attorney... it is endless. He tells me I am brainwashing the kids, Im a bad mom with multiple personailties. The names, threats, and just meaness have really gotten to me. It causes me anxiety, stress, and I cant deal with it. I don't know how to deal, my girls don't know how to deal with it because they see and feel the impact of all of this. They are 4 and I ahve them in therapy because of all this.
Well, i would llike to thank everyone for the support an great advice. Knowing others have stuggled with issues such as this and survived has been very helpful. I pick the twins up from a 6 week stay with their dad tomorrow and it seems as though they had a really good time. They were able to visit with my family often, thanks to my attorney. We officially go to court next week and my ex has dropped the motion to obtain full custody, again thanks to my attorney. So, seems all we have to do know is work out a perment visitation schedule and see what the judge wants to do about his contempt charges. I plan to continue the girls therapy when they come home, which I think would be best. Keeping our fingers crossed we can maintain a civil relationship, but honestly this move has been the best for everyone involved!
I agree that you need a lawyer handling communication with him. He is abusive and you need to not be involved.
Wow, story of my life, it's like I was reading something that I had written. My ex is the same way. I was also in the military and he contended that I CHOSE to move all the way across the country, just to make it harder for him to see our son. Yeah right! He also does the mental illness accusation thing, the brainwashing thing etc.. It's like guys today are reading from a script. Why can't these guys just grow up?
Anyways, I agree that you need a lawyer if he takes you to court. You can always have the lawyer ask that he be ordered to reimburse your legal fees because he filed a frivolous suit. You also need to have jurisdiction transfered to wherever you are at with the girls. Any lawyer should be able to handle that for you. I actually handled it myself as a pro se litigant (meaning I didn't have a lawyer) so if I can do it, a lawyer certainly can. There is a federal statute called the UCCJEA that your lawyer will have to use to transfer jurisdiction. This is important because he would then have to come to where you are to file a suit against you and/or would have to hire an attorney where you are. If he's such a bully, you need to not have to worry about him filing suit after suit that you will have to travel there to respond to (which is something my ex did just to make my life difficult and cost me money).
Anyways, that the best advice I can offer. I hope everything goes well for you. Guys like that are tough to deal with.
If he takes you to court, he has no legs to stand on. You can tell the truth. Like others said, document everything that is happening and contact him only through a lawyer until things are worked out. When it comes to moving (I'm a military wife), you can get a copy of orders as proof. As for all of the bullying, you can get a restraining order if need be, although hopefully it's not that bad. If you are living on base, your x would have no right without escort to be at your home. Also, I don't know which branch your current husband is in, but he should inform his superior what is going on.
Hi S..
It sounds to me like your ex is fighting you with your own fear as his best weapon. Try to stick to facts when you think about his threats. Examples: Threat: He says you moved on purpose and will use this to take the kids from you. Fact: You have military orders to move and can show proof of that. Threat: You had a man spend the night with you. Fact: A male neighbor came to stay with you and make your children feel secure until the power came back on. He can testify to that, and weather records from that date and records from the utility company can prove the situation.
Some people will try to scare you into doing what they want. Your ex sounds like a bully, and most bullies back down when they find out they can't intimidate their victim into giving them what they want. It would be a good idea to document everything he says to you or your daughters that could be taken as a threat or intimidation tactic and include the date and time. If your kids are in therapy, their doctor probably has a lot of insight and has probably heard the girls talk about some of these issues. You will have plenty of solid documentation to support you.
Be strong and don't allow this man to scare you. Focus on your family, and show your girls that you all can handle this because you have each other. Maybe you can get some counseling for yourself. Hopefully your new husband is supporting you in this and he can help you all cope.
Hang in there.
God bless.
Christi
Omg...I am going through pretty much the same thing with my ex. He works out of state for 6 months and wants me to let our 6 month old son go up there with him and his gf for a month or more and when I told him no it's well fine I'll see you in court. When I send him a pic he told me also that it looked like my daighter had a black eye...it was the lighting on my phone though. They think they can bully you into what they want. Keep strong! And Good luck.
Dear S.,
My heart goes out to you about the issues and problems you are having with your X. I've had a MISERABLE 15 years of issues with my X too. The best advice I can give you is Document everything......Get your neighbor to get a notorized affidavit to the fact of him being at your house during the power outage.....I would get 1 done for you too......The worst fact is the kids are hurt the worst by all this.. Always say wonderful things about their dad no matter how BAD or hurt you are my him....I have twins also who are 18 years old.....In the end...TRUST ME......They will know the TRUTH......They will SEE the TRUE Colors of your X...Mine did....!
Best of luck!
G. H
Contact me anytime if you need to vent......
I would talk to legal just to be safe and to find out if you need to hire an attorney to cover your back. Most military fathers I know (other way around from you I know) get there kids over holiday break and for part of the summer, would something like that work for your X? With your Hubby being military he can not prove you moved just to be mean, the military tells you when and where you will move too. Do not let his treats scar you, but do not ignor them either. Talk to legal ASAP.
It's good you have your kids in therapy, you should go too. Therapy not only helps you deal with the issue at hand, but learn techniques for coping with things throughout your life. Your new husband would probably appreciate a less stressed wife too!
Ditto... stop having ANY contact with him that is not through your attorneys. He can't cause you problems in your life if he's not IN your life. Well he can, but not easily... and if you have a kickbutt attorney, every time he tries he/she will be there advising you exactly how to go about things so that you don't trap yourself/ are above reproach.
Step 2: Change the security settings on your facebook & or myspace account. Friends only. NOT friends of friends... and make sure he is blocked. Step 2.5 would be if that's already what you have, to stop posting anything that is in any way personal or related to your kids. To know... even if it's set entirely to private... it's possible for a judge to issue a warrant for it. Diaries have expectations of privacy... online diary's for the world to see do not. If you post it, even with privacy settings, it's still considered public info.
Step3: Full custody and all the bells and whistles is rarely given... why do you want to broach that? Because once you do it's almost impossible to rescind.
Step4: Make sure that the girls' therapist is in contact with your lawyer.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I send you a big hug. I had a relationship that was very similar, in that he threatened me and made to feel that I couldn't do anything right as a mom. I was anxious, depressed, and living in fear all the time. It is the worst feeling when you have a child involved in this kind of ordeal. If you have any kind of faith, just pray. And send healing thoughts to your ex - one of the best things you can do for yourself is to forgive the one who is hurting you. And for whatever reason, he is making your life hard, but you have the strength in you to be a good mom. Just believe in yourself, and do your best for your kids. You can't give up on them. The truth will set you free, eventually, so just believe in that, and just be the best mom you can be. Surround yourself with people who do believe in you, and refuse to be put down by someone who has no right to do so. Take care.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this with him. I think you should let him take you to court. Let the Judge make their judgements. He will eventually get tired of it and if it is a "power" or "control" he has over you then he will always use it to threaten you and will know you will do anything he says.
I would not care if he saw anything you posted online. It is another power he has over you. If you are posting it online then it obviously something not hidden away. If you want to block him then do it but your friends must know they can be blocked to if they share stuff about you with him. He obviously loves his children and needs to know they are safe. Let them talk to him often and don't stress out over it. You have nothing to hide.
As I understand it if you move out of town or state you have to have your ex's permission so I would be cautious about moves. He has the law on his side. he can't visit his kids if you don't make them available and that puts you in contempt of court. A judge would simply adjust the visitation to better fit travel arrangements. For example, if he can't see his kids every other weekend because you live 2 states away then he has a right to get more visitation when he gets them.
Good luck.
Stop contacting him. Do everything through attorneys. It really doesn't matter what he thinks of you, so you need to cut that out of the equation, it's not worth the stress and anxiety. He has a couple complaints that sound like you have VERY sound explanations for, it shouldn't be much of an issue.
I'm sorry you have to go through it all. Don't let him bully you, don't take his calls, cut him out of everything he might have access to - social sites, mutual friends you don't see anymore but he does, etc...
Good Luck:)
