Custody Issues

I understand what you're going thru--been there, too. If you are in Asheville, I would recommend Attorney William McDowall, Jr. His office is on South Liberty Street. He's a real "bull dog".

V.,

I have been through exactly what you are going through. I can recommend a great attorney but I need to know what area you live in. I live in Raleigh. I work as a Public Safety Officer. I can help you with any information that you may need. Feel free to contact me at ____@____.com

Thanks and I wish you luck,
K.

P.S. If there is anything that you should need please dont hesitate to ask. I will try my best to help you.

In my situation I want to tell you that you should file for custody first. If he does it first and whether true or not can make it seem like you did something wrong you could lose temp. custody of her until court date. I live in NC and that seems to be the way it works here. I hope and pray that you don't have to go through a custody fight and wish you all the luck in the world if you do.

V.,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Divorce is a horrible thing. Although I have not personally gone through this, I've a lot of friends and family who have. My best advice to you is the following:

Keep a log / journal of EVERYTHING that happens. This will help you to remember things, etc. You never know. And it helps to prove bad patterns that may occur with him.

Don't let him get to you. And don't let him know that you are going to call his bluff. Let him talk his talk, but let your lawyers do your talking. I concur with the statement made if he really wanted custody, he would have gotten a two bedroom apartment. (But don't let him know this.) And most importantly, don't "blow you top" as my mother would say. The louder you yell or get upset...that is just what he wants.

Lastly, I would seek counseling for you and your daughter. If the divorce is serious, your daughter will need a better, healthy understanding of what is going on. It is the best thing you can do for her. I wouldn't let him know about the therapy just yet. I'd let him find out in court. This will look good to the judge, in my opinion. It will show you that you have your daughter's best interest at heart. However, if he shows he wants to be apart of it, make sure you are welcoming to him, but let him know on no uncertain terms that you will allow him to upset your daughter during her time with the therapist. This should be a safe-haven to get all her feelings out. In my opinion, all children of divorce should have counseling for quite some time during and after the divorce. Having mom and dad fight is not easy for a little one.

One more thing. I see this a lot in divorce cases. Although you may need a night out with the girls or just a night out with a friend in general, it is best you don't do that right now. Have a girlfriend over, watch a movie and eat popcorn. Stay away from other men right now. Not saying you would, but no drunken nights! Don't even be caught at "applebees" having a glass of wine! LOL But in all seriousness, he sounds like he is the type to distort information to a judge to make you look bad. And that would be just the ammo he needed to try to prove you "unfit" and raise an eyebrow.

Keep you head up! Stay strong and you will get through this! You are in my prayers.

Take care,
Lee

I have just recently gone through almost the exact same thing. The first thing that you need to do is talk to your attorney as soon as you can. Secondly, write down everything. Anytime you talk to him, write it down and what it was about. Anytime he comes to se her, write it down and anything important that may have been said. Write down everything no matter how small you may think it may be. You might have to use this if you have to go to court over custody. Before anything goes to court, in NC both parents have to go through a mediation program to try to reach a resolution regarding custody. If an agreement is reached in mediation then you dont have to go to court. Luckily, my custody was settled this way and I have primary custody of my kids. If your ex is anything like mine, then he is just trying to scare you. He probably doesnt have an attorney and is just trying to hold something over your head. You have to stay strong and stand up to him and let him know that he doesnt control you anymore and get him. He will have a very hard time to prove that you are an unfit mother. Just get a good attorney and keep records of everything. You will be fine!

I have been through all that too, with one exception though. I was never married to my daughter's father. The advice I can give you is not to worry. Courts tend to favor the mother. You really do have to be proven unfit to lose your child to her father. Although, he probably will get visitation, maybe even partial custody. I would advise asking to share legal custody granting him some sort of visitation, and for you to have full physical custody. That means you get the real say and your daughter lives with you for the most part. The main thing is trying to agree on something because you'll be spending so much time in the courts that it'll drive you crazy!Also I had a crappy court appointed lawyer that really had no idea what the heck she was doing. So I would advise trying to get a good lawyer.Keep track of everything! Documentation goes a long way. Keep like a journal of exactly how things are going. If he's suppose to get your daughter one day, write down if he was late picking her up or dropping her off. keep track of reciepts of thing you buy, including food, clothes, even the bills you pay. That'll help when it comes to child support. If he's not paying you anything keep track of that. Even if he is, you dont have to provide proof he's given you anything, that's up to him to figure out! Anyways, I wish you the best of luck. I'm very sure it'll turn out for the best. Oh and also if you take a parenting class in your spare time and make sure you get the certificate, the judge will love that! Specially if you do it before being advised to!

I am so very sorry for your daughter. She is the one who has been emotionally neglected by her father. He is not going to get custody of your daughter. In fact, he does NOT want custody of her. Otherwise, he would have rented a two bedroom apartment. He is trying to hurt you and make you crazy. Sounds like his plan is working. The law is on your side and the side of your daughter. Again, she is the one who will be scarred by this. Be sure that your daughter does NOT here you talk about this situation. Shelter her at all costs. She needs a mom who is calm and comforting. Again, make sure that she does not hear any confrontation between your ex and you. Yelling in the house will cause her emotional damage. She needs to have a good impression of her father ( even if not warranted) She needs to know that he loves her and that you love her. Again, stay grounded for your daughter. Your ex is not going to get full custody. I wish happiness for your daughter and you. Remember that this too shall pass.

I have not been divorced but I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree, get a journal and log it all down, when you get to court you are going to be so stressed and emotional that you will forget alot. Also don't mention to anyone who talks to him also about the issue with the one bedroom, it will only help you in the end. Do just try to stay at home with her, and do special stuff together to help ease this trasnsition with your daughter. Big changes are hard on children, so try to console her and cuddle as much as possible. Also try not to talk bad about your soon to be ex, it is way to much info for your daughter and will only confuse her more. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you!

Ok, I am not sure if the laws in SC are similar to NC, but I got separated from my husband 2 months ago and have learned a lot. First of all, regardless of the fact you asked him to leave the home, HE is the one who left. This means that you have the upper hand. Plus, he cannot get full custody unless you are determined to be unfit by a judge. What you need to do is start a journal. Write down everything! It will hold a lot more water in court then just relying on your memory. In addition, just keep your nose clean and try to keep your cool. Other than that, just talk to your lawyer. He will give you the info that you need. Don't listen to friends and family. They mean well, but they are way too emotionally invested and not objective. I hope that was helpful. Good Luck!

I went through this, but i was not married to my childs father.... YES he has to prove u unfit first..... but my advice to you is file before him... go straight to the courthouse and tell them u want to file for custody.....

Dear V.:

I'm a paralegal and my specialty is domestic issues. The Courts award "supervised" visitation only after it has been proven that a party is neglectful/abusive. As far as a good attorney, it depends on what county you are in. If you would like to email me back I will talk to my boss and ask him for recommendations in your area. As far as financially supporting your child, he doesn't have a choice because child support is mandated by the State of AL. If you have any specific questions or want to know how the system works please feel free to write me at ____@____.com will need a support group during this difficult period for you and your daughter. Depending on where you live there are several good parenting programs for those going through divorce.

I am in a similar situation and I have an attorney that I contacted for legal advice refer me to Kimberly Berry (she is in Greenville)for legal representation. Although she is a very busy atty and can be sometimes hard to get in touch with, she worked my case and got me full custody with no visitation (there was a severe drinking problem with her dad so that helped too) and pretty much reassured me that unless I was the worst parent on earth it would be hard to have my child taken from me. I advise if you have some friends or family members that have seen your interaction with your child and are familiar with the parenting skills of her dad, see if they would be willing to give a personal affidavit of character for you. The more people you have willing to say you are a great parent and are able to care for your child the better off you will be. As for the character of your husband, only you can answer that but if he is unfit and people close to you are willing to state as much, your witnesses statements will go a long way.

Good luck - I know exactly what you are going through!!! Mine is still not over - and probably won't be until she turns 18, but for now he has abandoned her so for that I am grateful to him. Not even receiving child support would make me want him to be involved in her life.

By the way, I strongly advise keeping a detailed calendar of all times he calls to see how she is, how much he sees her, sends her things, etc. You need to prove he is not taking any part in her life. Also, if there is any harrassment and/or threats against you (like he is taking her away and you won't see her again unless it is supervised) log them on a calendar. There is no such thing as too much information where our children are concerned. Be VERY detailed to the point of obsessive!!!

M.

BLESS YOUR HEART SWEETIE.
I WENT THRU THE SAME THING ALMOST 13 YEARS AGO WITH MY EX AND 2 KIDS. i STRONGLY ADVISE COUNSELING FOR ALL 3 OF YOU. I AND MY 2 DAUGHTERS RECEIVED IT BUT THE EX REFUSED AND HE TORMENTED US FOR YEARS. I AGREED TO JOINT CUSTODY AT FIRST AND THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE BECAUSE HE COULD TAKE THEM AND IF HE DIDNT WANT TO BRING THEM HOME AT THE COURT SPECIFIED TIME HE DIDNT HAVE TO! I TOOKHIM BACK TO COURT AND GOT FULL CUSTODY WHILE HE WAS SCREAMING THE WHOLE TIME THAT HE WAS GOING FOR FULL CUSTODY. THE JUDGE LAUGHED HIM OUT OF THE COURTROOM.IN MOST STATES IT IS REALLY HARD FOR A MAN TO GAIN FULL CUSTODY. I DO AGREE THO THAT YOU NEED TO BE A GOOD GIRL AND NOT GO OUT FOR A GIRLS NITE OUT UNTIL THIS IS TOTALLY OVER WITH! STAY STRONG AND LET YOUR BABY BE YOUR NUMBER 1 CONCERN
J

In going through a pretty bad custody battle myself, I suggest recording every single conversation you have with him. That will help you in court. Don't let him scare you - unless he can prove you are a unfit mother, he can't take her away from you. At these difficult times we all say things just to hurt the other person. I'm telling you - TAPE THE PHONE CALLS!! Most importantly don't argue with him. Just let him speak to your daughter and let that be it. This will only help you in court (and your nerves). Our judge saw how much my ex and I fought and he ended up saying that this whole thing was just between the relationship not anything to do with the kids. In all reality I could care less what my ex says or does and it is ALL about my children. The judge will only know you and your ex for a couple of hours and make a decision. My lawyer told me to act like it is a business call, don't argue. Good luck to you I hope this helps a little.

OK. first thing my attorney told me was to keep a log of every interaction between you, your husband, and your child. Every day that passes that he didn't come by or call your child..write it down. Every time she asked about him and he was nowhere around, write it down. Every major event (school, doctor, holiday, b/day) that he's not around and you are..write it down...etc.
It is almost impossible to get total custody away from a parent. Either parent. The courts want both parents to be involved, so unless you are doing something to harm your child physically or emotionally..there's not much he can do.

My ex had the best attorney in the state and it did him no good. He tried to say that i was dating and bringing the boyfriends around my kids, etc. He was told it didn't matter if i had 100 boyfriends, or had sex with the entire town, as long as it wasn't in front of the kids and as long as no one was doing anything harmful (i.e. drugs) in their presence, it had no effect on my parenting. (needless to say, he was lying but found it didn't do him any good)
Don't worry, the best thing you can do is go into this with the best of intentions for your child. Be the understanding parent..this is stressful on you, but for her...her world is crashing down and she needs to have stability and love. Try not to argue or fight with him in front of her, and try to not be derogatory about her father in front of her..you may hate him, but he's still her dad and she loves him.
It'll be ok, just take a deep breath.

When my little sister was 7 years old (she is now 24), my father decided he did not want to be married anymore. He told my mother he would request and get full custody just to hurt her. He had a better relationship with my sister than your daughter has with her father. Even so, his lawyer and the judge told him that they would have to prove that my mother was unfit. There were 4 criteria that had to be met, which I can remember very well, but I believe there was one about taking drugs or being an alcoholic, another about having different men over for sex all the time. I can't remember the other two. Also, my sister was to get a court-appointed lawyer who would look after her interests and a social worker would have to visit both homes to make sure they were all right for children. Obviously, my father thought twice about this as there was no way he could show my mother was unfit. It didn't hurt that I was 21 and my middle sister was 18. The court could has us to testify if necessary. Anyway, it will be very difficult for him to get full custody. He may be able to get joint custody at the most, but that could change as your daughter gets older. I'm sorry I can't help you with a lawyer's name as this happened 17 years ago, but try not to let him get to you. You know you have been a great mother and that will be more than enough to keep him from taking her away. Good luck.

Your ex is just foaming at the mouth. He knows that taking your daughter away from you would be the most damaging thing he could do to hurt you and that's why he makes those rediculous comments. A divorce hurts everyone involved and this is his way of processing it. Stay true to you and your daughter, keep his antics and rude remarks away from her and document everything that he throws your way. Never give him a reason to act. Remember, his words are just words. They're designed to scare you but the reality is who's the better parent. Let him be an ass. You need to shine as an angel and not retaliate unless you have your lawyer doing it. It's hard to keep it all business because a divorce is so emotional but that's exactly what it is. The business of being legally unattached and responsible for another party. Think about business partners and how they would proceed if they needed to dissolve their affiliation. You're doing the same thing just remember to let your lwayer do your dirty work. I hope this helps. Good luck!

V.,
I have been there and done that. My ex was just like yours, he was not there most of the time and wasnt an active day to day parent to my girls until we broke up and then all of a sudden he was father of the year. Well to make a long story short, he filed BEFORE me and I won the custody anyway because I was the more stable parent. What helped me win my case was STRUCTURE in the home.. ROUTINES - by showing the judge that I had structure and routines in teh home that didnt involve him I was able to show that I was the primary caregiver in my girls daily life and easily proved I was the parent they should live with. He made a really stupid move by getting a one bedroom apt too, the judge will see that as him not planning to make accomodations for her especially if he is financially able to get a larger place.
The advice someone gace you about filing first was smart.. do that, they will probably order mediation first and then you will end up in court becuase most likely he will be bitter and not cooperate so a judge will have to decide. Oh,, another smart thing is to come to the mediation and court READY with a plan. YOU think up what is acceptable for you as far as the visitation you are okay with him having. REMEMBER TO THINK OF YOUR DAUGHTERS NEEDS FIRST - dont think with bitterness from what he has done to you.. it is about HER and not YOU. That is the way the judge will see it. Get a good lawyer, mine is in VA, her name is Martha Schick.. she was a bulldog in a skirt and made it happen for me when no one else was able!. Her number is ###-###-####.
Another thing, DONT let him intimidate you or second guess you. You ARE a good mother and you have done what you are supposed to do. Focus on your daughter and her feelings in all this. Try to giv eher an open forum to talk to you about what she is feeling. It will help both of you get through this. one other thing.. NEVER bad mouth him to her.. the judge looks down on that too.
Okay, well I hope this helps.. email me personally if you need to talk or need more advice, I know how it is to go through this with young children and I know its important to talk to someone! ____@____.com -Y.

Hi V.,
My name is A. and I have been divorced for 4 yrs now and I went threw my divorce with 3 kids .I can tell u that he has to prove u unfit first. And from the way it sounds he is only using that to try to get at u because he knows nothing will hurt u any worse than trying to take away what matters most to u and that is ur daughter.As far as helpin her cope with the divorce just keep reassuring her that it is not her fault .That nothing she did cause this and just let her know u r there for her and that u love her more than anything.And that nothing that has happened will change that.And i know how messy divorces can get but try not to ever down him or talk bad about him in front of her that will only hurt her. Im sure u never have just letting u know that if u can try even as hard as it is at times to be civil to him in front of her and talk civil about him in front of her will only show her who is the adult between u and him .....feel free to e-mail me back and ask anything or if u just need someone to talk to i would be happy to talk with u. Good luck and GOD bless

From my understanding South Carolina is a mother state.. He has to prove you unfit to take her.(( yall may have to have joint custody but unless you are proven unfit for her then you wont lose her completely!....

V., I dont know about laws here but in New Jersey no one has physical custody of a child till some one files with the county. Im not sure about here but call social services or eve town hall maybe some one can direct you. And from experience men always seem to like to threaten to take custody. Mine did he told me I was crazy and unfit then inthe end he walked away and left us homeless. Real nice guy. Let the courts decide. Its usually mom any way. But really lookinto physical custody asap and make records of who you spoke to and when never hurts to back yourself up when your working alone.

First you need to get a excellent divorce attorney who specializes in custody cases. Your lawyer will have to understand family law very well to help you navigate through this and ensure that you don't give your husband and his lawyer the better hand. Talk with several attorneys until you find one you are comfortable with and you know is going to fight for you and your daughter.
Now to your husband suddenly wanting custody. He probably doesn't want custody, but he is angry with you and is trying to hurt you. He wants to hit you where it hurts, he wants to intimidate you and scare you. Don't let him, he would have to prove that you were an unfit mother before they would remove her from the home. now if he makes accusations to the court they will probably get a social worker involved to check you out and see what is going on at home and to be an advocate for the child, but if there is nothing then there will be nothing to prove and he will look like an idiot for making a false charge and could get in trouble for lying to the court. Also he would need to be able to provide adequate living quarters for your daughter before he will be given rights and as it stands he would not have meet the standards, he would need to have a bed for her and a private space.
You need to go after full custody with him getting visitation rights that are court ordered. Probably would be something like every other weekend and you would split holidays. You also need to go after him for alimony and child support. If he has a great job then he needs to help you in taking care of the family you two started and helping take care of you.
My mom and dad divorced when I was three and my mom and I went to counseling. I definitely recommend this, it will help the two of you and help you both deal with the trama that a divorce can bring. I know in my mom's case, they were going to fight for custody but the day of the custody trial my dad didn't show up so full custody was awarded to my mom. He just didn't want to fight anymore and drag it out and it ended up being the better thing for me too. So there might be hope there.
I have heard that a women lawyer is better than a man to represent a women. There is a lady in the greenville, sc area, she specializes in custody, support and divorce cases. I have listed her information below as well as the website. I wish you the best and don't worry everything will work out.

Hayes, Linda Christine Attorney
870 Cleveland Street Suite 2-D, Greenville, SC 29601
###-###-####
###-###-#### (fax)
Email: lindahayeslawoffices.com
business profile | phonephone | emailemail | map | save | sendsend
to cell phone | to email address
http://www.hayeslawoffices.com