Hopefully this is a quick question - I believe I saw it somewhere in my court documents at the time of our divorce but I can't put my finger on it now.
When the non-custodial parent wants to call the child, what would be considered "reasonable response time" to that request? Do any of you know? I was recently chewed out because we were having a get together and it took around 3 hours before my son was available to sit down and talk to his dad. (He was out riding bikes with his cousin and the neighborhood kids, then we had dinner, then more playing until everyone left, and that was when I had him talk to his dad.) Every other time, it's been a matter of minutes, usually about 5-10, occasionally maybe 20. Literally, in 2 years of us being separated, I believe there has only been one time that my son was spending the night with a relative when he wanted to call, so he didn't end up getting to, that night. Although as soon as I picked him up I had him call. (no, there is no set schedule - my son's father just calls when he feels like it.)
I understand he might be frustrated with limited access (although he is the one that moved away), but is it really unreasonable that at times our son might not be able to drop what he's doing and talk on the phone?
And dang it, this isn't even taking into account how unreliable and sporadic this contact even IS! As undependable as the calls and visits have been, it really bugs me that I'M being accused of some evil intent. Just ridiculous.
(ETA - I intend to tell my ex that we need a schedule for him to call and this would eliminate this problem - this question is just for my own piece of mind....Thanks!)
THANK YOU ladies! I knew I wasn't being a "B" but just wanted to get some reassurance.
And there was a bit more to the story - when he wants to talk to him, he will text me "When may I call my son". This particular night I did let him know we had company and it might be awhile. I even checked in with him towards then end and texted him "He should be ready in around 30-45 minutes", which was when he got ticked off and started texting me all these nasty messages about how that is unacceptable.
grrrr. Do not even engage. Pleasantly change the subject or just don't respond.
What you describe here is indeed "reasonable". Geez.
:(
I've read LOTS of divorce decrees, and I have seen some really crazy things added in to them, but I don't think that I have ever seen "reasonable response time" addressed. Usually, it is "reasonable access" that is addressed when it comes to the phone stuff.
I really wouldn't sweat it. Remember, there is no "ex-wife of the year" award :) Take care!
You ARE being totally reasonable. If ex calls at random, it is reasonable to expect that your son may not be immediately available to talk on the phone. That is just common sense! So you just have to be clear when he calls. "Son is having a friend over to play, he will be able to call you back after 4" I always tell callers my kids will call them back later if they have company over. It's just good manners for people to focus on present company and return calls after guests have left. And what if your son is not home? Same thing. "Son is at a baseball game, and I will ask him to call you back when he gets home, which I expect to be before 9:00" If he still chews you out, he has a big problem, yuck, sorry!
Does your agreement actually say "reasonable response time?" My understanding is that most agreements simply state that phone calls must be allowed. You could easily say "Little Johnny is available to talk on the phone on Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday evenings between 6 and 9pm." Basically, it comes down to what is best for the child and ensuring that he can live a consistent and stable life. Dad's unreliable and sporadic contact does not fit into your family's schedule. Make clear what your family's schedule is and that you have that schedule because you have created a safe and consistent life for your son. He can put that in his pipe and smoke it.
AV, you nailed it. There was once a time where people would call and leave a message at the beep, and when the recipient of the call got the message, after they got home from their outing, they might return the call. Cell phones do not give anyone immediate, unrestricted access to communication. I hate phone calls and rarely answer. My phone is less a phone and more of a portable Facebook device. ;-)
You aren't required to answer the phone at all if it's not convenient for you. I'd say you're doing more than your due diligence when it comes to giving him access, and that perhaps you've spoiled him a bit by not having better boundaries.
You're communicating with him in response so I don't see a problem. If he starts harassing you again, I would reply that you not respond to threats and when he has calmed down you can discuss a time or to just contact your attorney for any further communication.
You could try to set a schedule, but that also sets up the potential for disappointment if a call is late, etc.
This is something that varies per household, IMO. For those that need a specified communication time, that is usually agreed to in advance "Child will be available to call between 6 and 7 PM on Thursday evenings".
We never had a firm timeframe. It just seemed too formal for a family relationship between the kids and their parent and we encouraged the kids to call either parent at any time, too.
If either parent called (they swapped custody in the summer) and the kid wasn't available, the kid could call later. We didn't get upset unless it was several days and reasonably the child should be available or BM could at least tell us that the kid was at a cousin's house or something. I think even cell phones do not entitle people to contact us anytime 24/7 and kids who don't own cell phones should have at least that much leeway. If there is no set time, then you take your chances on if the kid can talk right then or not, same as anybody. IMO, as long as you do ask your son to call back when he's returned, and aren't blocking access, then there isn't a problem. Unless someone makes it a problem.
ETA: You might rephrase it as your son isn't available but you will have him call when he returns. It seems odd that the onus would remain on your ex vs your son to call when your son is available. And has there never been a time your ex was unavailable? Not to get into tit for tat, but I'm sure he's gone to a movie, used the bathroom, etc. What I don't like about set times (though I understand it) is that it regulates what should be a natural relationship and can be misused by an irrational party. So be careful with that, too. I would ignore all the nasty grams, but save them for documentation. It sounds to me like he was more annoyed that you were having a good time/someone else came first than it was he wanted to be reasonable.
Having a set schedule is great but then when something comes up, school event or the unexpected, the same could happen.
Not sure form your post if he left a message and waited to hear back or if you answered and said he wasn't available. Either way...that's what leaving a message is for...someone will get back to you. That's half the problem with society today...everything must be instant. SMH!
My ex was calling or texting me daily on my way to work...He knew what time she got on the bus so calling me at or after that time he knew full well he had missed her..."how was she this morning?" and "was she late?". While that seems like just concern it was really his way to make me take note that our 7/8 year old had not called him before school. Or if she had called him and he missed it, he'd call me back knowing she was gone and I was in route to work. SHE DOES NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK IN THE MORNING IF SHE DOES NOT GET UP ON TIME...IF SHE IS RUNNING TO CATCH THE BUS, SHE DOES NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK ON THE PHONE....DO NOT CALL ME!!!
My suggestion to you is figure days/times that work for your son to receive calls (example: any day from 6-6:30 pm) and have dad pick Tuesday and Thursday or Monday and Wednesday. If he calls at other times (which is ok) he has to realize that he may need to leave a message and wait for a return call (within 24 hours).
My dad never scheduled phone calls. He called and either we were home to talk, or we were not. He'd either call back another time or leave a message and we'd call him.
Unless your ex lives in another time zone I don't get why this is an issue for him. Have your son call his dad, rather than trying to schedule when dad calls son.
i don't know, but ...
When he called, were you able to tell his dad that it might be awhile or even give him an estimate? That type of information is always super helpful to me. i understand that sometimes my husband is going to be working late. It happens. But it drives me nuts when he doesn't call and give me a heads up. Even if he doesn't know how long he's going to be, I still appreciate him letting me know that he'll be late.
I couldn't get a sense from your post as to whether or not you let his dad know that it could be a couple of hours before your son could call him back. Maybe you did and his dad was still made. But if that isn't something you've tried before, it might really help.
Take pictures of his nasty texts so that you have a back up besides your phone.
I am not diviroced with having relatives and friends that have somewhat and not at all amicable relationships, I have seen the spectrum of this situation. I think you are being very reasonable. If he is getting upset about this now, I can just imagine what it will be like in a few years when he is a teen, able to do his own things and really gets busy with friends and activities.
Ugh. You sound very reasonable. If he has company (friends over etc.) then it would be rude of him to leave them to take a phone call for routine chit chat.
We've been on the exact opposite side of it, with kids never ever available and the mom hating that my husband would dare to tie up her phone ever to talk to his children. And that was with a specified time.
We, on the advice of our attorney and with the agreement of the mom and her attorney, put in a separate phone in the kids' room. We paid for the installation and the monthly fees, and we still had problems. The ringer would magically be turned off for days, etc.
But you are making your son available every day except when he was away from home at a sleepover. If there is a time that works out between dinner and homework, then set it aside for a call that everyone can depend on. Give your ex SOME input on this, but mostly it has to revolve around your son's schedule for his routine, including a decent bedtime. If your ex follows through, great. Maybe weekends can be more loose. Assuming your ex is interested in receiving info on your son's activities (he has karate on Tuesdays and soccer on Saturday mornings, etc.), then he can work around that. And if you can get your ex to buy an extremely limited cell phone (no texting, no internet, etc.) and your son can keep track of it, that would make it easier for both of them (not using your phone as the main connection), and you can't be accused of getting in the way.
If you present it as "this is a good time when we can be sure our son is available to you and not distracted", that may fly more than "Good God, you just think you can call any old time and he'll drop everything?" (even though that's how it seems!). Good luck.
Personally if I was home and the kid was just out playing with cousins I would call him in to spend 5 minutes on the phone with dad, would it really have been that big of a hardship or were you just trying to exercise that kind of control? Show him who is is charge since "he choose to move away"?
I would let him talk when ever he called, unless the child was not home. And in fact my son has his own phone so I would just give that number to dad. I would never want to stand in the way of contact between a child and their parent, even if I no longer loved said parent, or even liked them very much. That said, if this is really some huge issue for you then maybe set up a time each night for him to call.
Discuss set days and times for them to talk. As events and activities come up seek to revise the schedule, but let the ex know that it's not always possible to drop everything and have him call back. For example, if you two are at a doctor, at church or in a movie theater. What if there us a technology issue with the phones. It could be anything.
The ex should not expect you two to be chained to the phone in anticipation of his call. He's trying to be controlling.
Be very careful not to get into trouble with this. We have spent over 65k in custody battles and lost. Put yourself in your ex's shoes and you sitting there waiting 3 hours for a call back when it's normally a few minutes.
It is not "unreasonable" that he can't immediately call his dad back but just make sure YOU aren't purposely making problems. Trust me, it really isn't worth it. I would send your ex an email explaining the 'get together' and APPOLOGIZE and tell him on occasion he won't be able to call back right away but if you notice that he calls that you will either text him or call him and let him know a TIME that he will be able to call back. It really comes down to simple courtesy and treating him the way you would want him to treat you if it was the other way around. Good luck.
Sounds like kiddo might need a cell phone so dad can call him and not go through you...just saying, if kiddo doesn't answer him or call him back or something else the dad could call you and ask what's going on? Maybe kiddo's phone is dead and he can't call back or something like that.
Kiddo can also call his dad without waiting. Right?
I'd let kiddo call his dad every day if he wanted.
