So I have known my whole life that I have controlling issues. Always felt like I had to be the perfect daughter, gymnast, friend, student etc. I come from a broken home and didn't have a lot of friends because we moved around a lot. I don't drink and when I actually do it's never enough to get drunk because I like having control over my actions. I choose to be a single mother (mostly the father turned out to be an a**) partly because I got control in raising my child. I avoided long term commitments because I like escape plans. But now I am married.
I love my husband, and I love our life. We dated for four years in high school and college but split up for 4.5 years. We have been back together 2.5 years then got married in June. Here is were things start falling apart for me. My husband is OCD in a LOT of things, but he is also very layed back and doesn't get worked up for anything. I however get worked up over EVERYTHING! But I am learning to let go....a little, I try to back off when he is disciplining my son. He was been more of a father to him then his own father and I know he loves him but he was mine first and I was all he had for so long. Now he has both of us and I am struggling with letting a little of that control go to him. I am also used to being in control of my own finances and making all the decisions without anyone elses input. I also get very worked up over things I have NO control over, for example my supervisor keeps telling me he is going to cut my hours. Even after the owner told me I can work as many as I want. I am worried about losing my hours where my husband tells me not to worry unless it happens. To him this is simple for me I think, "I can't afford to lose hours" or "What happens if I don't get to work as many hours, will they decide they just don't need me all together?". Stuff like that. My husband says not to worry unless it happens, but I am worried now because it could happen.
Today really showed me just how controlling I am and I didn't really know I was doing it. This morning my husband left for 2.5 hours without his phone or telling me he was leaving. He comes home then doesn't say anything to me all day, so naturally I was very upset with him. He decides to take my son and I out to dinner and to go look at cars he spent all morning looking at. Finally I asked him about this morning and he told me he was made at me but I didn't know why so I asked. That is when he told me I am to controlling. I knew where we were driving to so when he would turn a different way then where we were supposed to be going I asked where he was going. He just kept telling me to stop being controlling, he is going where he said he was just a different way. Anyways we talked about everything and he thinks it is simple for me to just let things go like he does but doesn't understand why I get upset. I can not get him to understand and he can't get me to let things go.
I know this is long but this is really worrying me I am afraid if I don't chill out more I might lose my husband which makes me stress out more and try and control things further. I am begging for help, does anyone have any suggestions besides just stop doing it. I am afraid I might need to talk to a doctor or something I just don't know anymore.
Please seek therapy.
The problem is you. It's not about him not doing what you want.
There is nothing wrong with getting help from a professional who can look objectively at the entire situation.
I am sorry to need to tell you this. But you are right, you are going to lose your husband and your family if you don't get some help and change. There is No shame in going to get help. Coming on here and asking was a great step in the right direction. I would get in contact with a very good counselor and couples counselor. Then start going to therapy and work on these issues. You can form a plan and change. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem....you have done the 1st step! Good for you. Keep going~
He's telling you in every way he can that he can't take it anymore. He purposefully left without his phone, was gone for a while, didn't say anything when he came back then he purposefully drove around to frustrate you so you'd listen to him.
I think at this point you need to find someone to talk to. Someone that will help you let go and feel good about it. Can you get screwed when you give up control? Yes, can you find something wonderful and exciting you didn't know about? Yes.
Having someone who is experienced with people with control issues would be a good experience for you. They will help you find the root of all the issues and help you start from there and learn new skills.
This is something that has built and built and can't be fixed in a day a week or even a month. It will take time and you'll make mistakes.
First of all I suggest you have an account with some money in it that you have a particular bill to pay and then the rest is spending money. This will give you a feeling of independence. If you save the extra money you'll eventually have a little money put aside to help you feel secure.
As for the person at work who says they're going to cut your hours....tell the boss you need the permission to work as many hours as you'd like in writing. That way you can hand it to the person next time they threaten to cut your hours.
I would also ask them why they keep saying that. They may have it from the bosses themselves that they need to cut their budget and since you are probably one that is costing them the most time if you're working extra hours you'd be the one they'd cut down first.
Find a good counselor or therapist who can help you learn to let go and relax. If you can't afford it, check around for someone or a counseling group that charges on a sliding scale. Universities with a counseling program also have interns who need to put in hours under supervision so they can get their certification.
You already recognize you need to change, and you and your husband are able to talk about it. Those are 2 things in your favor. But old habits are hard to break on our own. So take the next step to get the tools to make the changes you desire.
You ARE going to lose your husband. It's good that you're asking for help, but we aren't who you should be asking. You need to go to a therapist.
He isn't "supposed" to be going one certain way to get somewhere. He can go around his nose to get to his elbow if he wants to. At least you are mentioning it here - that shows us that you realize how inappropriate it is to fight with him over it.
Find a doctor who is very experienced with OCD and GET SOME HELP. Then take your husband with you and work on your marriage.
You need to understand that you must give up some control if you want to have ANYONE in your life. Your son will not put up with this when he is older. If you don't learn now to be more fair with others' feelings, you will lose your son too.
Good luck,
Dawn
I urge you to start in counseling. I've had control issues in my life. My own need to control and my need to not be controlled by others has resulted in lost relationships. Therapy and counseling have made a big difference.
Yes, talk to a doctor. There is nothing wrong with recognizing a need for help and then seeking it. In the meantime, tell your husband that you recognize that you have some work to do and will get started right away.
You've taken the first step in admitting. The second would be to research therapists. It sounds like your control issues probably started at home in your childhood. It would be a great relief to unload all of this onto a therapist who can help you work through it to strengthen your relationships. But you have to want to do that first.
Good luck.
i am the same way... if you find out please let me know. i think for me, i had so little control over my life for so long that when i get in a relationship with someone else outside of my family...i refuse to be controlled, but then i do the controlling. maybe it's me turning into my parents. i agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. i'm doing it. i think it also comes from fear, and having an unstable childhood instills a lot of fears and insecurities that cause problems like this later in life. it sounds like some anxiety too.
Funny thing about control.. .the more we try and control, the less we are actually in control..... By that I mean, your control ends up ruling you and in the end, are you really in control.. NO... it's time to stop and consider the reasons (the true) reasons as to why you must have control over everything.
I have a friend who must control so many aspects of her life and her boyfriend's that it's overwhelming to be around her at times. I can tell you she does this as a result of a VERY dysfunctional childhood whereby her parents used drugs and she was left to fend for herself. Now, as an adult to AVOID ever NOT having control of her environment (or having to experience those feelings of abandonment and insecurity) she now tries to control many things.. (including people) like how much and what her boyfriend eats, where they travel.. the list goes on...
so you see, you could say, ah that is just a controlling person.. but behind her control is a huge insecurity of something BAD happening.. all this because she won't be in control..
I would approach your situation from the standpoint of the anxiety you feel when you aren't in so-called control.... also.. what would it really mean IF you didn't have complete control... ask yourself what propels your controlling behavior and once you can do that , then you can do something about it.. but to just say, I am controlling... and I need to stop it. I don't think you ever will until you learn why you do it and then learn tools as to how to overcome some of it..
I wish you the best of luck
Please accept a big hug from a virtual stranger. Because I don't feel like a stranger. I understand how trying to be in control, perfect and always on top of things can drive those you care for absolutely batty. I am a caring, giving person. I'm assuming you are, too. This is the time to care for yourself. If you think you need counseling, get it. It may be that a therapist will also recommend anti-anxiety medication until you can practice a lifestyle that will make you less anxious. Things do get better, honestly, and life is amazing when you have the tools to let go. All my best to you and your family.
You are who you are. Some people will like you for it, others won't. If you are unhappy with yourself then listen to the future advice that will be given here or from a therapist.
I have learned to stop trying to change who I am basically and who my hubby is, basically. No one is a 'perfect' person.
Is your hubby willing to change who he is in order to be who you want him to be?
You sound like me! I won't go into it all, but I can admit that I'm kind of (a lot???) OCD and controlling. Now I may be WAAAAAY off base here, and I usually don't suggest going to meds right away, but when I went on Welbutrin a few years ago it helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Before then, my house had to be spotless, my son could not play in the dirt or even walk through the snow (I carried him so it wouldn't track MORE snow into the house) and I just was NOT a happy person. I went for my GYN appointment and when they asked how things were going I just broke down and started crying (I had more than just my "controlling" issues). She put me on Welbutrin and I was a different person! I remember the first time I let my son play in the dirt and I didn't even care one bit. I even took pictures of it...lol! Anyway, I was able to loosen up quite a bit. Now...Welbutrin is actually an anti-depressant. However, it helped me to "let go" of a lot! I don't take it anymore but I can relate to some of your behaviors (drives me NUTS when my husband doesn't take the "correct" way either, or when he doesn't go the speed limit, or.....I'll stop there!) I think you DEFINITELY need to talk to someone about your issues. Hugs and good luck!!
You said you're "afraid I might need to talk to a doctor" but that is exactly what you need. To see a therapist. You need to address the reasons why you are this way and learn skills to fix the problems. It will take time, but getting help will show your husband that you're serious about changing.
