Contrary Three Year Old

Hi I understand exactly. My son is 3 1/2 and the debates finally ended. The only thing that worked was to tell him that no matter what he calls it, it is still ___ Then walk away :)

We have 2 other children and we did notice an increase in this when the latest was born, it was his way of getting more attention. We started more one on one and it gradually faded away.

I think the need to be immediately obeyed is just a man thing. My husband, after a lot of nagging to try it my way, finally did and it worked, imagine that! ;P I always remind myself that I have 4 children, 3 little, 1 big and try to be patient. Anyway, my husband does bedtime and he found that it worked really well if he gave my son choices on the important things. Like you can either do as I say or lose a story or maybe a toy he likes to have in bed with him and then if he still didn't listen follow through. It didn't take long for my son to understand that what Dad says goes. Bedtime goes a lot smoother now.

Good luck! and keep repeating "this too shall pass"

K. SAHM of 3

LMAO! YES!! Three is an age where the little ones are starting to feel so independant! And they push that independance to the point of senselesness.

Tell your hubby to hang in there. This phase will pass, just about the time you are strongly considering how you are going to pay for all the Rogaine you figure you'll need to buy from pulling your hair out, you'll find he's morphed into someone you can more easily reason with, and who's proud to show you his new *Green* sweater. I swore I'd never outlast this phase with the 4 who have gone through it. One is in it, and I think I'm doing pretty well so far (though I am currently refusing to take him into a public place due to his focus on *not* listening to my directions while we're out), and I have one quickly approaching it! Seriously, with my oldest I had a calendar on the fridge that I used to cross off days until his birthday, because I figured being 4 HAD to help! I had no idea 3 yr. olds could be so aggravating and argumentative! You hear about the "terrible twos" but the "trying threes" get much less press.. Lol

Don't take it personally, and don't bother arguing. It just makes them need to assert thier independance more - giving you both a migraine! Just reiterate your point. They hear you...(sometime after this phase ends - you may even hear some of your own wisdom come back to you. :) ) And when they disagree, brush it off with a "oh yeah?" or mention that while they are free to call it whatever they want, it doesn't change what the facts are and then leave it at that. They will probably persist in trying to disagree with you. Just ignore it. This can be difficult, but worth not having your child think that their idea is so good that it's worth debating. My 3 yr old has an *incredibly* long attention span for this sort of thing...

Giving him more choices (as in which pair of socks - this one or that one) should also help lessen the arguments some.

Good luck!

You have a tester (versus compliant) child. Try getting "Setting Limits for your Strong-Willed Child" (I got mine on Amazon). If you or your husband find yourself arguing with your child, it's called "doing the dance". Walk away. Your son thinks he knows everything. He will continue to argue with you if you continue to argue with him.
I think it's somewhat normal for a three-year-old to try to control their environment. They no longer want decisions made for them. The trick is to give them only a couple of choices (What would you like to wear? The red or the blue shirt?) but ultimately give him the choice.
Your husband will continue to have a hard time "laying down the law" with your son's personality. They will clash until your son moves out. If he (your husband) applies some of the concepts outlined in the book mentioned above, and gives your son choices (obviously within reason) he will empower your son and teach him to make wise choices within your guidelines. It's a win-win situation.
I have a five year old who is strong-willed. I give him a couple of choices (it's chilly today, so you need a sweatshirt over a shortsleeved shirt and long pants - jeans or sweats? which shirt? which sweat shirt?) within my guidelines and he seems to be okay. If I make the decision for him, look out. He's lost control of the situation and rebels.

When my four year old does this I say "well, I think you are trying to be silly, but if you say it's blue..." I say that so she knows I don't agree, but that it is not worth arguing over.

My 7 year old is still like this!! Now when she wants to argue that something is blue rather than green, I just say "Yep you're right. It's blue." and walk away. May be a little immature, but then she gets shocked that I agree with her and says "No it's not." I play the "Oh really. I thought is was blue. You said it was blue." Once I agree with the absurdity, it stops.

Have fun! It doesn't go away. :)

This is perfect practice for when your son is older and throughout his life. It's called chosing your battles. However frustrating it is (and I know it's aggravating!) how you or your husband responds to this is how big it will get. What I try to do when my children act this way is to just make a joke about it. If the sky is supposedly green today, then I would usually agree and say something like "but have you seen the grass?? It's yellow today!" Just make a silly game out of it. But of course, if it has to do with safety or house rules, then those are the battles worth fighting. Setting up a system of consequences and FOLLOWING THROUGH so that the kids know, if you break a rule then this is what happens-every time; these are the things that have worked best in our household. Just remember all throughout our children's lives it is their job to test the boundaries, limits and of course our patience. But it is our job to keep the boundaries in place along with our patience. And have fun---aren't colors subjective anyway??? Ask any man what the difference between "mauve" and "salmon" are!!LOL! Good Luck!

I would suggest that you dont ASK but TELL him to do whatever, asking gives him the option to say NO. Dont argue with him, your the adult. When you want him to pick up his toy, simply tell him, pick that up and put it away, if he says no, tell him again, and if he dont on the third time, go up to him and take his hand, walk over to the toy, take his hands make him pick it up and walk him to his toy box to put it away, like I said never argue with a child, no matter what age they are, when told what to do it is not optional, you have to make them understand that. I heard this from a very popular child rearing person. And it works like a charm, I did that with my children, who are 13 and 16 now, and at the time it was very difficult, but it only took a couple times and now they do everything the first time I say it. Now if I tell them to do something and they go to argue, I simply say, I wont repeat myself, and they do it. Just make sure you say it the way you mean it, dont ask, tell. And stick to it, if you say it go thru with it. It shouldnt take him long to understand you mean business, and when he is told to do something, if he does it praise him. My kids are very well behaved teens that have respect for others, being tough on some things made them the way they are, and I think its because of the way I was when they were little (and of course now) Good luck!!

My first two children were two and a half years apart so I know how your hands are full. Three year olds can be contrary. They want to be the baby and the grown up at the same time. When you want your 3 year old to do something give him acceptable choices and let him pick. Be willing to live with his dicision. If you say for instance, do you want to pick up the toys and put them away or do you want me to pick them up and give them to someone who wants to take care of them, be sure giving them away is something you can live with. Also, when he is misbehaving, tell him he is doing that because he is 3 and won't do that when he is 4. It is amazing but it works. Most of all keep your cool. You are the adult and he has only been here 3 short years. Three year olds can be difficult but hang in there. They seem to mellow at around 4.

By the way, he will hit this phase again while going through his teens. Count this as a trial run.

My sister and I now laugh about the terrible two's and the horrible three's. Three year olds tend to start testing exactly what they can and can't get away with. (Almost like a small teenager.) My kids are 8,9,12,14. My sisters are 6,3,and 1 1/2. She is still going through the horrible three stage. It does get better.

LOL - Sorry! Does he witness dad doing anything like this? Kids are smarter than you sometimes give credit for as I have learned.

We have joked that our's is like the guy from Austin Powers- Ask him three times, and he will tell you. ;)

I would not know what to suggest here, other than do not "push" it. I feel you have a child that has quite the imagination and may end up being an attorney some day! :)

He could be instilling his independence or something else could be going on (nothing bad, of course.).

Try talking with him. See what's in his head. They sometimes share with you. (Or he just wants to drive dad crazy as he knows he is doing it.)

Good Luck!

First, get your husband a copy of Alfie Kohn's 'Unconditional Parenting'.

Second: three year olds are not 'for' doing what they're told, no matter who is doing the telling. Even dogs don't work that way, and they're much easier to train, because of their limited personality strength and intelligence.

I like Barbara Coloroso's advice: never argue with anyone over 2 1/2, their verbal skills are too well developed and you will lose.

Lots of parents (grandparents, nosy strangers in the mall) will tell you that it is reasonable to expect a human child to just to what its told, because of who is telling it. A million people can so be wrong.

Forget what you have heard about the terrible two's, its really the terrible threes! I agree with you about asking your son more questions, children love to feel involved. If your husband is not open to that (and many husbands are not), the best thing he can do is ignore it. Your son knows it gets a reaction from mom & dad when he is argumentative, this is fun and gives him control. Ignoring negitive behavior takes the fun out of it. Now if your son is being disrespectful, etc. that is a different story. Life is to short to argue over the color of the sky! Perhaps dad can paint and color with him, saying please pass me the green crayon, or would you like this yellow paint. Ask him if he wants to wear his green shirt or his red one?
A little about me
I am a mother of 3 (age16, 10, 5), a 10year daycare teacher, and (Elementary school) college student.

yes it is normal and it only get worse as they get older it just one of the down falls of teaching them to think and have oppions all my daughter argue or disagree with what ever you said or say

P.,

We went through this phase with our 6-year-old son. Have your husband play the backwards game with him every now and then. Everything has a different name, is a different color, and (if you want to take it this far) has a different use.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But this is a phase, although you might find your little boy will always be a bit argumentative. Our son still is and some days it can drive me nuts!

When it comes to safety and following the rules, I agree with the other mom about spanking, we call it swatting because he gets no more than one to the butt.

We started swatting our son around the age of 11-14 months because he knew the rules and understood the word "NO" even if he couldn't speak and he deliberately defied us. We only swat with the "big" safety rules so he knows we mean business. But it can help. It really shows that you WILL follow through with consequences if he continues to misbehave.

Anyways, good luck with the contrary stage.

Hello P., It is natural for 3yr olds to be this way. They are beginning to think for themselves. The problem here is the parenting style(no offence, I've been there also). I used to argue with my oldest when she went through this stage, until my ex pointed it out to me. When I stopped argueing with her about silly stuff, and dealt only with the major things, it improved. Also when possible give your child choices, so that he feels like he has some say over his life. Only 2-3 things to chose between, like this outfit or that one. Get some books from the library on this ages development. They need to obey, but they don't need to agree. My favorite book was called "Making children mind, without losing yours" by Kevin Leman. Children are entitled to there own beliefs, as immature as they might be. The more practice you get dealing with this age, the better prepared you will be when they go through the second stage of independece, the teen years, UGGG!! I had 3 in high-school at the same time. The skills you will learn about parenting at this stage will come in handy in those awful later years. Good luck.

My husband, who is also a stay at home dad, and myself, who works full time, agrees with your husband. Our oldest is about 4 1/2 and went through this phase, and has grown out of it. Our youngest, who turns 3 on Tuesday, is in this phase right now - and has been for a few months now. It drives me absolutely nuts. The only advice I have is to gently correct him on things like colors, etc and leave it at that. Eventually he'll figure it out completely. As far as obeying you, just stay "forceful", as you are the parent. It sometimes takes us a few times to get our youngest to do what we want, other times we have to send her to her room first because she gets so contrary. When she decides she can listen then we let her out and she'll obey. Tell dad to hang in there - this to shall pass.