Constant Complaining from a 5 Year Old

My 5 year old is the same way! She has a great time somewhere and then on the way home I ask "Did you have a great time?" "NO!" Maybe it is just a phase, I hope so :) Good luck!!

Hi J.,
Hopefully she won't be a kvetch her whole life! More than likely she is seeking negative attention, so maybe you can change that up.

This is what I would do. Close your ears to the complaints if you feel they are unreasonable or just plain being negative. Don't guilt her out, just ignore her, like in the example of the pool........."I'm too tired. I didn't ask to come here." Just don't answer her. Continue doing whatever it is you were doing. If she becomes persistent then say,"My ears don't listen very well to complaints. When I hear you speak in a nice voice like mine is right now then I think I will be able to hear you." If she doesn't whine and expresses a reasonable complaint then possibly you can compromise with her. The other thing is the next time you want to go swimming..........don't tell her first.......get a babysitter. And when the babysitter arrives be ready to go in your swim suit. Tell your daughter, "Last time we went swimming you complained and weren't happy. I didn't want to take the chance of that happening again and so I got you a babysitter." Don't be mad or anything. And no matter what she does just stick with a mantra like, "Maybe next time. I'd rather go alone this time."

After awhile I think she will realize that the whining is not getting her any attention, and that there are consequences. Just stick to your guns and stay nice about it. You aren't punishing her.

By the way......this is "Love and Logic" by Fay and Cline. If it sounds good to you then you might want to get the book.

What works wonderfully for my grandson (age 4.5) is to empathize. "I hear that you're not happy with the way that turned out." Or, "You're tired of swimming now." I look him in the eyes and use a kind voice. Once he knows he's been heard, and I'm not coming up with a solution, he finds one himself. If he doesn't, and generates another complaint, I affirm his comment and ask him what he would like to do. He figures it out, almost every time.

I also have a backup plan for an alternate activity, in case he doesn't. We sat down together one day when he was in an enthusiastic mood, and made a huge list of all the things he likes to do (you know, the sorts of things kids suddenly desperately want to do when it's time for bed). When he gets restless during the day, I ask him if he wants me to read the list and help him start something new.

If empathy and suggestions didn't work, I would wonder if the child was perhaps overstimulated or overtired, and give her an "opportunity" to sit quietly and meditatively beside me on the couch and wind down. She'd probably whine then, too, but I would just pull her back into the quietness and ask her to go right to the middle of herself so she can find out what she wants.

This sounds counter-intuitive, but it's exactly what I did for myself when I was young, and it reliably gave me a chance to reset my own
"expectation meter." I still do this to this day when I feel restless, or overwhelmed, and can't decide which of a thousand options I should tackle next. With practice, it only takes 3-5 minutes to get to a more positive place, and the quiet time soothes the soul. Plus, if you were to sit beside your daughter for a few minutes, I bet you'd both find it a peaceful, bonding time.

Good luck. Summers can be challenging.

I could have written this about my six year old son! I always say he is an extreme emotion kind of kid -- when he is happy he is ecstatic, when something doesn't go his way it is the end of the world, etc.

Can you identify the specific triggers? I know my son has trouble with transitions. If he is doing something and it is time to leave for example (even if it is to go to something wonderful for him) he doesn't want to go, he hates doing that, etc. We need to build in easier transitions, plenty of warning, etc. For big stuff, it helps him to have a calendar and know what is coming. He crosses off the days on his calendar each night. For smaller stuff sometimes we use a timer or just multiple warnings. Also, giving him choices helps -- things like "We need to leave in five minutes would you like to go potty or put your shoes on?"

Another trigger for him is tiredness or hunger. Try not to overdo and make sure to take breaks to eat. I often forget this when he is getting worked up and then kick myself later for not realizing he just needed something to eat. If I am proactive and stop for a snack break when he starts complaining he usually goes back to enjoying the activity after.

Also, I find my son to be very much a perfectionist and needing to be in control kind of person. Sometimes I think the complaining during a fun activity helps him to feel like he is controlling when it ends and how it goes. Almost like warding off the disappointment of when mom interrupts the fun to say it is time to go.

As for solutions, can't wait to hear what else others have to say! One thing I do which isn't necessarily the best solution because it is a little sarcastic and kids don't really understand sarcasm until about 10 years old but it works for him -- when we have done something fun (and usually this is when he is tired after and on the way home) and he starts complaining that he didn't like it or his big thing is saying I never want to do this then my response is "I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have a good time. That is fine though we will never ______ again." such as we will never take you swimming again since you don't like it or since it was so bad we will never go to the amusement park again. Most of the time it makes him realize what he was saying and change his tune. It doesn't necessarily stop the complaining but at least changes the direction of it from the extreme "I hate this, I never want to do this" to realizing that he is just tired.

Another thing we started doing specifically because of this problem and my kids really look forward to it now -- I took a blank notebook and covered the cover with paper to decorate. I then labeled it our family journal. Every night we all write in the journal (I write for everyone most nights) what we are thankful for or what our favorite thing was that day. It really helps us put a positive spin on even the not so good days. We do it at dinner every night. If we have company over we still do it but ask our company to contribute. Somedays it is the big stuff like a fun place we went but most days we focus on the little stuff -- "I loved reading a story with the kids" or "It made me feel good when he said he liked my picture" etc.

For the summer since my husband and I are both home we took journals for each kid and covered them as well and on each page we wrote something we wanted to do so that every page had something. Many were around the house things like "Paint a picture" and "play with blocks" and "play in the pool" while others were places we wanted to go like "Go to the science museum" and "go to the beach." We even put a couple special things like "a special day out with Daddy or Mommy" to help give the kids one on one time. Some of their favorites are pages like "learn to do something new" and "go someplace I've never been before." I have found this is helping us a lot with the complaining about not knowing what to do and it also is helping with the complaining when we are out doing something and they start to get tired because they are excited that they can put it in their journal. I make sure I take at least one photo of whatever it is they are doing (I have to bring my camera everywhere because I never know when they will decide what we are doing is something in their journal) and every few days I print out the pictures and they cut them down and glue them into their journals on the right pages (and sometimes add captions or descriptions). My kids are 3 and 6 and they both really look forward to this. About once a week I go through and add captions anywhere I think they are needed for them.

I've also started pointing out to my son how lucky he is to be able to do the things he does since we are both teachers and home with him, involve him more in charity like bringing food to the food pantry, etc. Recently we bought backpacks and school supplies to donate to our church's back to school drive. I had him help me pick everything out and load the backpacks and deliver them. Helping him to see how good he has it has helped him not only feel more positive about things but hopefully is helping him to develop empathy for others.

Oh, one more thing I thought of -- a lot of complaining happens in the car to and from places. It is their way of transitioning and it is their way of decompressing. We got my son a music player and headphones -- we only use it when we have long car rides. He puts that on and blocks out the world and it really helps him decompress. By the time he is ready to take it off he is in a better mood. At home, I have taught him to use his room as his refuge. When he starts to get going I remind him (this started when he was 2) that he usually only acts like this when he is tired so maybe he should go to his room and have some quiet time. He will read books on his bed or color at his desk. We do not have electronics in the bedrooms -- if you do I probably would not allow them at this time because it doesn't allow them to calm themselves which is what they need. He gets very overstimulated and he does not handle commotion well so he will now speak up on his own when he realizes it is getting to him and say "I need my quiet time now" and go to his room for a little while and then return. It is a great coping strategy and has helped us to avoid many meltdowns. When we first started doing it I would talk to him after a meltdown about how his body felt and worked on helping him to recognize the physical cues of frustration (that feeling of blood coursing through your body, clenched fists, etc.) so that he learned to feel it coming on and escape to calm himself down. I know that isn't quite the same as complaining but you may find the complaining is happening for some of the same reasons -- feeling tired or overstimulated, feeling frustrated that she isn't good at something, feeling like she doesn't have control over a situation -- so the same strategy may work.

Good luck and I am anxious to hear what others have to say because the complaining is driving me crazy too!

I have one daughter who is naturally sunshiny and sees the best in everything, and one daughter who is a constant complainer. So I realize that it is nothing to do with the way they are brought up, it's just nature. Since I'm more of a sunshiny person, it does get on my nerves, and I don't always overcome - but here's what I've tried. I got the movie Pollyanna and we've watched it many, many times. (If you haven't ever seen it, it is and old Disney movie about a wonderful little girl who sees the best in everything. She plays the "glad game" and tries to think of something good about any bad situation.) Whenever my daughter is too negative, I say, "Let's play the "glad game". Let's think of things that are good about this situation." Sometimes it works. Also, recently, I asked some mamas here for advice because I was having difficulties with the same daughter about being outdoors. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to point out the obvious - someone pointed out that it was more of an attitude problem. Because I love being outdoors so much, it just seemed obvious to me that you'd see the "glad" in being outdoors. But it's not her nature. So I said to her, "Happiness is a choice. You actually can choose to be happy and make the best of a situation, or you can choose to be miserable - and then you will be." Once I told her that, she really did change her attitude. I've used that speech a couple of times since then, and each time she seems to take it to heart and realize it's true. Sometimes you have to give the message more than once though. Good luck!

Sounds like she is not getting enough sleep. Read Sleepless in America.

Try to be more positive yourself. These are negative and threatening comments, "you're going to be sad when we leave, and I know you'll be tired, but we just did something really fun for you, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ruin it by complaining the whole way home." Saying things like that will make her feel bad about herself, making things worse. Try telling her how much fun you are having with her, tell her what you like and why. If she complains, smile and tell her you'd be happy to take her home, for a nap.

I think she just needs more sleep. Being tired makes for being cranky.
She is not trying to torture you.

There are some good suggestions already posted. Being heard is important - acknowledge the complaint by saying "I hear that you are tired. Come sit on the side of the pool and rest." WIth the next complaint, say "Yes I heard you." If the project didn't come out right, say "I hear you. You don't like the way it worked out. You can stop if you want to." If she doesn't stop swimming or the project, then try to find a way to help her verbalize her feelings. However, do not allow her to go on and on repetitively kvetching. Firmly say, "Yes, you already said that. You don't need to repeat it. FInd something else to do." You don't want her to give up every time something isn't perfect, but you do want to acknowledge feelings. Then ask her how her continuous complaining is helping her, and let her know it's ruining everyone else's mood. Or tell her others are enjoying swimming (or coloring or reading or TV) and she doesn't have to, but she can't criticize or ruin their fun. She can quietly do something else - switch activities, rest, whatever. She may not be able to empathize much though so be prepared that she won't really care about whether you appreciate or don't appreciate her talking. All you can do at that point is tell her to STOP. She spoke up, you heard her, ENOUGH. If you have to, stop the car on the roadside and get out and shut the door! After 30 seconds of sitting there alone with her complaints, she'll get the message that you don't want to hear it. I keep a crossword puzzle book in the car for when I'm waiting to pick someone up or whatever - I would take the book, get out of the car, and stand outside working on my puzzle! I'd tell her I don't want to listen to complaining so I'm doing something else fun while she complains to herself. She'll figure out that sitting in the car alone is way less fun.

My son also had trouble with transitions, as others mentioned. You also want to be sure you are not overplanning too much and expecting perfect days with a young kid. The idea is to make reasonable plans, and get her to participate, voice her feelings, and then put the onus back on her. "Okay, you don't like how the project came out. What are you going to do to change it? Complaining doesn't fix it." The next time an activity possibility comes up, you could tell her you're not going because she didn't like it the last time. But don't substitute something else really fun that rewards her for being a kvetch.

Good luck. I hope it's just a phase. But it's also behavior you can redirect. It takes patience and time though.

My 4-year-old son does the same thing, and he has been doing it for some time! He will complain that he hasn't had a good time right after I saw him laughing and having a great time. And now my 2-1/2-year-old is starting in on it, too! Right in the middle of his gym class last week, after he was giggling about pretending to be a steam roller with his instructor, he came over and told me he wanted to go home because he wasn't having fun.

I don't have any good answers about this, but I think about how when I was a kid I really liked to go downhill skiing with my dad. But I also have a fear of heights, and it felt mentally exhausting to go skiing for several hours. So even though I had fun, part of me didn't have fun. I think maybe my son is telling me something like this. Maybe there is part of an activity (for example, I know he has anxiety about being in a large group) that he doesn't like, and so even though he's laughing and having a good time, part of him wants a break. Or maybe he just likes trying out different reports and seeing what reaction he gets. I haven't figured out a good way to stop myself from getting my feelings hurt when I've planned and executed something fun just for him and he tells me it isn't fun and he doesn't want to do it.

One thing I have done is told him I will not listen to whining. This doesn't only apply to complaining but also to requests for milk, snacks, help putting on shoes, etc. If he is whining, I say "Sure, I'd be happy to do _______, as soon as you can ask without whining."

I hope someone has a good suggestion for what to do about the negativity, but if not at least know that you're not alone!

If you find a solution let me know! My 9-year old is the same way!