Concerned About My 3 1/2 Year Old Boy

I also agree with the play therapy. Something else to incorporate is a simple supplement. When my (now 8 y/o)son was was younger he had a hard time expressing how he felt and he would say similar things, mostly after he got into trouble. I am a big believer in using fish oil supplements to treat minor symptoms of depression. My son was always very emotional high and low and after being on the fish oil supplement he is an emotionally stable confident 8 y/o. It has literally transformed how he deals with the happenings of everyday. The fish oil comes in capsules that can be squished open to mix into something or they come in a yummy flavored oil that is taken by mouth. I hope this helps.

Since his troubles seem to have started after the sudden death of his pet, have you considered getting him another dog? Not a new born puppy, but one that he can rough and tumble with.

Sometimes people have an underlying issue that is not diagnosed because it's not evident. Then something happens (you might have heard this with those who have schizophrenia) that flips that switch on. What he is going through could be very normal grieving, or it could be something greater that you never saw before until an emotionally traumatic experience happened.

I do think you should see a professional about it. He sounds miserable, poor baby. :( But I wouldn't use meds except as a last resort. I was put on a high dose of Zoloft and it made me manic depressive. You don't want to risk making him worse, and anytime you adjust the chemicals in the body there is always potential of making things worse.

S., mom to 5

You need to speak with your sons pediatrician. She will have his history and will be able to help you decide what steps you need to take. She will probably want to see and speak with him and then will suggest some type of therapy.

Just guessing, you are a more mature mom, so you may fall into some patterns of many of us that worry a little too much and make a little too much of events that if we just treated a little less emotionally would help our children.

When the dog died all of you were upset discussing feelings, discussing death, remembering the dog, but at these times, mom and dad need to be "strong" emotionally and not immediately assume that there needs to be an ongoing conversation about the dead dog. A week is a good amount of time for a 3 year old and then drop it from your conversations around your son. If he brings it up, by all means discuss it. Then keep an eye on him to watch his behavior.

At school this is a completely different issue. If you think that he is being singled out for "ALL" of the playground incidents you are not facing the truth. This is not the way daycare works. Day care is a loving caring environment that encourages children to be children. When they misbehave it is a learning moment not a punishment to put him down.

If he cannot respond without overreacting, you need to work on this. You need to correct him and if he overreacts with you, you need to hug him and tell him "HE" is not bad, but his actions are bad. You love him and like when he does nice things. Hitting in school is subject to expulsion in elementary school. In Daycare it is a time out, but tell him to think about why did he want to hit?
Is he frustrated? Why?
Is he mad? Why?
Tell him to "use his words not his hands" to tell his feelings. Give him the words.

Also remind him to keep his hands to himself.
Praise him when he has a good reaction to a correction or a discipline.

Talking about hurting himself, saying "I don't like myself." gets a great reaction from you and dad. For the moment just stay calm and ask him why? If he does not know tell him you love him and dad loves him. Remind him of the good things he does. and move on.

Therapy will also be informative and will give all of you more tools to deal with this. Also sometimes you may have to remind others that just because your child is "big" compared to other kids his age, he is still only 3 1/2.

L.,

I have never responded to any of the topics before but your story struck a cord with me.

I know exactly what you are going through. I have a seven year old boy who acted the exact same way at his age. My son was also very big for his age, he was born 10 1/2 lbs and didn't begin to slow down until kindergarten. We went through a very difficult time between the ages of 2 1/2 until he started kindergarten. I actually ended up switching daycares 3 times. He too used to overreact to being corrected. He had a very hard time calming himself down once he was upset and small problems seemed to escalate immediately into a fiasco!!! He also used to say that he hated himself and that he didn't know how to behave. He even referred to himself as a bad kid. I was completely devestated. My situation was quite different as I was a young single mom and often the teachers were blaming his behavior on the lack of a male role model. I found that what worked best was consistency and patience. I continued to punish him despite his negative comments about himself, which I later learned were means of getting attention and getting out of trouble. When that didn't work, he stopped. When he did say those things, I corrected him and told him I loved him very much and because he was my special boy it hurt my feelings to here him say those things or even worse feel those things. I over emphasized all of his positive attributes. Despite the conflicts it caused at work, any time he had an episode at school, I left work to go to daycare to assist in correcting him. I wanted to ensure that ONLY the bad choice he made at that time was addressed. Another thing that helped was letting him know when Mommy made bad choices, like being late to work or spending too much money on a shirt I didn't have to have. Him being able to see that he wasn't the only one making bad choices was a huge eye opener. From that point I emphasized that everything in life was a choice.

Coming up with alternatives for him to deal with his anger when other kids hurt his feelings or took his toys became sort of a game for the two of us and we still use the same signals today so that its our little secret. Example, when he is playing with the neighbors and he is really aggrivated about something, he looks at me and starts smiling (really big and really fake). I do it back and we both start cracking up.

The point behind this long story is to be patient and be very, very consistent. Don't give up hope or doubt yourself even in the most trying of times. It is very counterproductive. I made that mistake and blamed myself everytime. I just knew that I had ruined him. As silly as that sounds, I truly believed it. Luckily I am very stubborn and refused to let that define our lives.

Many people recommended therapy for my son and I elected not to go that route at such an early age. He is doing fabulously better now. Second grade has been a breeze...(knock on wood)! And he is being tested for the gifted and talanted program. Often kids that are wise beyond their years pose the most behavioral challenges... Each year gets better and better. Don't get me wrong, there are still those moments but he has really learned self discipline. I often describe my son as EXTREME! Extremely fun, extremely cute (which happens to be his saving grace), extremely smart but at the same time extremely difficult and extremely stubborn!

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Hi L.,
I think you certainly have cause to be concerned ---3.5 is very young to have these issues. But, counseling may not really be the best either- usually they just want to put the kids on medication...... even though he is only 3.5- try getting him into some activities where he can be overly "praised" like maybe soccer- gymnastics or what ever sport he likes- spending more time with him is key at this point- over praise him in everything he does- let him do some things around the house that makes him feel more like a "good boy"- don;t show pity when he says the things he does-- talk to the folks at day care- let them help you with this- they can give him "big boy" chores- that will help his self esteem- depression is real- even with little ones- have him checked for vitamin defincies ...watch what he eats about 30 min before these pity episodes- and start to monitor- keep a good chart when he has them etc...don't let him play alone with his door closed...keep him with you when you are home so he can feel like a real 'big boy"...monitor very closely what is on the TV while he is awake- only have happy joyful things on ...happy music etc talk to him constantly about how great he is-let him know that Jesus loves him and he is just perfect just like he is- I certainly am not a professional but I have raised 12 children so experience has taught me some things..... if after a few months of constant monitoring things are not better I would seek professional help.
Another thing I would do is look around my house to see what products I am using with chemicals for cleaning and get rid of them.........research has shown that some chemicals in cleaning and laundry items can cause depression and other illnesses in children. I can send you to a website with this information if you PM me. Not trying to sell you anything, just get you the information.
My prayers are with you-Blessings

L.,

I too have an overactive 3 1/2 year old boy that receives a ton of blame for his behavior. Granted, he's more aggressive than other children, but he's average size and weight with plenty of attitude. He responds well to choices, and recently I've discovered a great method of teaching and discipline through a good friend that recommended Love and Logic. This teaching method gives your child choices rather than commands or directives. For example, rather than saying "get in line for recess", a teacher or parent might rephrase that with "would you like to stand by Sara or Eric in line for recess?" For some reason, this works with my son 99% of the time. I cannot thank friends and my daycare enough for suggesting this teaching method. There's a book titled Love and Logic that is based on this principle for head-strong, emotional kids and I'm going to look into checking it out at the library to get more insight. Don't give up. I cannot imagine the stress your child must have felt with losing his dog, but I also think it's the age and emotional immaturity that occur with 3 1/2 year old children.

Best wishes,

D.

L.,
You need a lot more information to help your son. Do not disagree with what he says, don't rush in to reassure until you are sure of what he is telling you. "I don't love myself" seems an odd thing for a 4 yr old. Ask for more info, "You don't? hmmm I wonder why you feel that way?" Then stop and listen. He will tell you. He may have hit the dog two weeks before he died and be telling himnself that he killed it. But you cannot know that if he doesn't tell you. Try to just listen to him. When he is worried about so and so, ask why. Children think they are omnipotent and that if they think it, it happens so they take blame for things they could not be responsible for. I would also suggest you spend some time on the playground observing before jumping to any conclusion, but it he hasn't had problems there before, it is likely to be that he is acting out his misery. If you do not make any progress, then time to get him to therapy despite your husband's feelings on the matter. Allowing this problem to become entrenched is a real disservice to the boy.
If your son is able to tell you what he is thinking, you can then explain reality. Do that before you reassure him of your love. Do not praise him. He will just not trust you as he will think you just don't know what he knows. When he does tell you, thank him for sharing this with you so you can help him. He may not want to thinking that if he tells you what he did, you won't like him anymore either.
This may not be making much sense, you might need to talk to a therapist on how to talk to the child and then if you are not successful- take him in. Hope this helps.
K.

The death of a pet is traumatic for a child, and a preschooler doesn't yet know how to express his emotions in words. I want to be one more voice encouraging you to take your son for play therapy. The therapist will also spend part of the session helping you learn how to help your son at home and will have suggestions that will help at school. A child psychologist is trained to get to the underlying problem with a patient who just can't yet express the words to explain his emotions. I understand your husband's concerns, I've been there with my own husband. Getting professional help and advice is NOT a sign of failure as a parent. It means you're a great parent who gets professional advice when you're at wits end on how to help your child. Just schedule one session of play therapy and see how much YOU learn from it. I wish I had gone against my husband's wishes and done that years ago for one of our children, perhaps her problems wouldn't be so big today.

Hi L.--
Have you talked to him about the loss of the dog? I mean in terms that he would understand .
I agree also that more one-on-one time with him is a great idea, as well as therapy with a professional. It broke my heart to read your post, how horrible to hear your child say such devastating things.
Listen to your gut instinct.......

Play therpy would be great for him and for anyone at any young age! Maybe is is having trouble expressing himself and having a hard time with the death of the dog but doesn't know it. Play therpy will also help him deal with anger in the right way. Of course spending more time with daddy or mommy would help but if there is already anger involved in his little mind...better to help him deal with it now then when he is older and it becomes MUCH harder.

L.,

I would take your son to a therapist. Sometime our husbands don't get it. They are wonderful and we love them, but we parent very differently. Most men want to try to "fix" everything, but it sounds like you need professional help for the little guy.

Good luck!

this may be way off - but reading your post made me think of my friend, she has a boy the same age as yours - weighs about the same, huge huge child, and has problems with self discipline, quite hard to handle.
anyway he was diagnosed with something called sotos syndrome - you can google it, its not that uncommon, and it mainfests itself as overgrowth, discipline problems, low muscle tone, slight developmental delays and a kind of forceful personality - also there are some distinctive facial features (they dont look weird or anything, just a little different)

on the website this is one of the things they say about the behavioral problems seen in sotos

"Behavioral disturbance (anxiety, depression, phobias, sleep disturbance, tantrums, irritability, stereotypies, inappropriate speech, withdrawal, hyperactivity) "

its a long shot but check it out

Hi L.,

If I were you, I would take him out of school for a time, if you have that option, while you are dealing with the behavior. First, because it sounds like he needs your help to figure out and cope with whatever is going on emotionally, and second because of the cycle you described - sometimes once a child is labeled a trouble maker or a bad kid he or she becomes the trouble maker or the bad kid. It turns into a vicious cycle that can be hard to break. And since he is only three he doesn't really need to be in school yet.
I would also recommend reading John Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child for some direction on how to communicate with your son and identify the problem. It's not an easy read, but very good at helping you get to your child's emotional level.
Also - consulting a professional for some insight on how to get to the bottom of the words and behavior would not hurt - the language he is using is troubling.
I wish you the best.

I agree with whomever told you to take him to therapy. There could be so many things going on with him, and you and your hubby just can't know what to look for or how to help with certain situations. First, tell his pediatrician your concerns so he can rule any medical problems out. Then ask him to refer you to a good child therapist

The book "Beyond Time Out" by Grosshans and Burton talks about leading your children in a way that cultivates a positive self-esteem and a feeling of security in children.

My daughter started some of these similar behaviors after some dramatic life events and I do still take her to play therapy but I would like to share some of the lessons I've learned.

First, when he's throwing the tantrums it was suggested to repeatedly tell him things like "i know you're mad" "I know you're worried" "mommy understands you're worried"--basically acknowledge his feelings. Secondly, when he's not in an emotional state, bring up the loss of the dog in a casual way "I know it's hard losing "Spirit" and it makes us sad but it's not your fault" "Spirit was sick (or whatever)and it was his time to go to heaven (or whatever you may believe) but it's not your fault." Also find books are losing pets and read to him--again not when he's emotional, but in a casual way.
Finally, I allocate 10 minutes a day to my girls (alternate days) that is special time. It's a time they know they get my undivided attention and we do what they want/play by their rules. If you implemented the 10 minutes of "CJ time" after dinner or before bed it gives him a time that he knows is his. When the doctor suggested this at first, I thought "no way, I'm always giving my girls attention, how can I give more?" but I set a timer for ten minutes and they soak it up and aren't as "needy" the rest of the time. I have found this has made the most significant difference in my daughter.

best wishes to you.

I know some people are in favor of therapy and others are not. But, when my job transferred us here to TX three years ago, my daughter was 5 and having a lot of trouble adapting. I starting taking her to play therapy. It worked wonders. Sometimes kids will respond better to others. Then the therapist started adding me into the sessions slowly. But, I think the fact that it was play therapy made a huge difference. She kept saying is it my play day yet vs. I don't want to go to that doctor.

My employer had an employee assistance program through my insurance. They paid for the first 8 sessions and it was all confidential through Cigna. So, the cost wasn't a factor, then after the 8 sessions I just did a co-pay.

Hope that helps.

L

Let's not overreact! I seem to think it is quite simple. His dog died recently. When you are little you automatically start worrying if Mommy or Daddy is going to up and leave him too. I think it is a stability issue and needs more focused attention from his parents. My boys had a rough time when our old dog died. Heck, we all did but they seemed to think that everyone was "at risk." It messes with their security when something or someone just "goes away." As for his acting out, it should subside. Depression is normal, it becomes abnormal when it lasts too long and impairs your life. Let him grieve for his dog and reassure him that you don't plan on going anywhere just yet. Good luck to you. Maybe in a couple of months you can get him another dog from the SPCA. Get on their website and get him involved. It will probably perk him up. Tie that in with his behavior. Tell him only responsible boys get pets. So he has to show you he's ready for a dog with his behavior at school. CB

Have you replaced your dog with a new pet? This would give him something to help care for and love and raise. Let him help pick it out. It's worth a try.

Perhaps some cues for how you can handle these situations will be more effective than trying to get you husband on the ban wagon of play therapy for your son. Did you think about getting another dog? I remember fighting with my brother and my dad telling us to cut it out that its so out of hand mom wanted to send us to therapy! Truly I think telling your son that we love ourselves and teaching him to be kind to others. Asking him to be nice today and giving him a sticker for good behavior. I agree with your husband it just needs some attention. Hope you find your answer.

Have you talked with your child's teacher about your loss. They should understand where this is coming from. I would encourage you to talk about the loss with your son. Allow him to be sad and angry at the death of his pet and give him tools to express it. Let him write your dog a letter, or have a memorial for him. Help him write down all of the nice things he liked about the dog and then maybe talk about how we can honor him by being nice to others. Too often with children, adults underestimate their grief. But in his world this was huge! He has only been on this planet for a few years and in his mind some things are just constant. Mommy, Daddy, Dog...Now he may be feeling like every thing is a variable and that is no wonder why he's upset. Remember that anger is a natural part of the grieving process.
Good Luck!

I am so sad to read this email. I can imagine how worried you are. First of all, I think you should schedule a meeting with his teachers at school. It is sad to say, but teachers DO play favorites. They tend to favor the small, petite kids. When there is a child who is bigger than everyone else, they tend to "forget" he is only 3 1/2 yrs old. They expect more from them. They don't get as much love and compassion from the teachers. That could be affecting his self esteem. My sister and I were always taller than everyone in our class and we both hated it. My mom told us that when we were little, our teachers always seemed to expect more from us because we "looked" older. My sister is now having that problem with her son. His first year in Kindergarten was tough. Anyway, sorry to ramble. But I would have a meeting with his school and explain to them the things your son has said and tell them to try and give him a little extra love and encouragement. I really hope things improve with his self esteem and I hope you keep us posted. I am sorry for the loss of your dog too. Have you thought about maybe taking him to the pound or something to adopt a new dog? Just a thought. Good luck and sending you HUGS!

since you mention loosing what was possibly his best friend when you lost the dog, I'm going to say that a discussion on death and grieving would be a big part of dealing with his feelings. Talk about the dog, go visit friends who have kid-friendly dogs, and how much your dog brought to your life. it's ok go be mad, but it isn't ok to shove, hit, etc. and those behaviors have consequences.

I wish you luck. And yes, Dad needs to spend time with him. so do you. and after talking and teaching how to express verbally rather than physically, maybe open the heart to another dog. I know there are many in shelters all over that need a home.

I would talk to your pediatrician.. I had some emotional problems with my 11 year old son, and my pedi really helped me with different signs to look for, when we need to look at therapy, etc.. Luckily, we didn't have to go to therapy, but I was better informed after speaking with my Dr.

Kids will learn from you. The best way to teach him how to handle life is for you to do so. You are the biggest influence. I'm not saying he wouldn't need therapy; he may. But, my kids went through this dramatic thing at that age too. Worried about everything, including dying. My daughter still says stuff like "I can never do anything right", etc. You have to counteract what they are doing and saying. Tell them it is not true. Tell them how you feel and how you handle these things. The more you play into their drama, the more drama they come up with. You are the greatest influence in their life, especially now. He wants you to show him and needs you to show him how to handle life. All living things die. That's a part of life. It's not all sad either. But, you mourn and you move on. Can't live life scared or down all the time. Tell him these things and redirect him to do fun things. Get his mind off all the drama. Show him how to have fun!

I would recommend taking him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. My son has ADHD and has benefited greatly from therapy and seeing his doctors. I realize that depression and ADHD are very different. But BOTH are definitely something that NEED to be addressed. Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to admit that his son needs mental help. I struggled with this as well..and still do today because my son needed to be put on medication for his life to be normal (I'm not saying your son will need this, of course)

But DEFINITELY take him to a professional. This is not normal behavior and he could end up hurting himself badly. My mom put it to me like this before I got help for my son.."If he broke his leg would you just leave it? Or if he got a cold, would you just leave it?" It kinda changed my view on it.

And it is very hard to get a child in to see a psychiatrist. It's usually a looong wait, but trust me. It's very worth it. It's taught me things I never knew about parenting and I think even the best of parents(and even the best of kids) can benefit from therapy.

Good luck darling. Sounds like you have a special and beautiful little boy. :)

Please look into BACH FLOWER Remedies. After you do so e-mail me and I will help you.
With that please stop, listen, and hold. If he needs to get some anger out get him moving. Example: Do something crazy like "I see you are very angry I think you need to do WE( Yes That Means You to) need to (put on a fun song and run in place, hit a pillow or punching bag, anything that will release some energy until the song is over) then while you are catching your breath see if he still feels the same. DO NOT ASK HIM!! Just watch and listen.By doing this with him he will see he is not alone.

Talk to your pedatrician. He probably needs professional help. Would your husband deny him antibiotics for an infection? It is so hard to deal with an illness that does not show a visible cut or sore, but your son definitely needs medical attention. I am speaking as a single mother who had to get help for my small child and as a retired educator. I taught grades 7-12 for 38 years and saw first hand how messed up kids can get without early intervention. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I know that my daughter would not be the successful 30 year old lawyer (who will make me a grandmother this year) if it weren't for our faith and therapy.

Your child sounds like the death of his pet has hit him hard. Have you thought of replacing his pet with a new one that he can play with and grow up with? He may also feel like everything is going to die and he is shutting down with this thought. He may be fell like something will happen to you or his father and he will not see you again because of death. This may be also part of the problem. A new pet might help one that can run and play with him and also give him attention on his terms. Good luck.

Most people who are opposed to therapy are opposed to it because in the past (or in their experience) it has meant medications to resolve issues as well as weekly sessions. This is simply not always true nowadays and for the ones it is true of, you have the option to switch provider if you don't like how they handle your son.

Having said that...If he is opposed to it and simply will not change his mind...Then you go see a therapist and explain the situation. This should do two things for you. It will give you a way to express your feeling safely and get it out of your system so you can focus on helping your son in the way he needs, and yo can ask the therapist how to get your son to talk at home to you. He should be able to often several play therapy options you can try yourself.

In the meantime...offer your son several ways to play on his own using his imagination and keep an ear on him at all times...it is amazing how children will try to work out their problems in this way. They try to understand and control what is going on around them, by creating similar situations in imaginative play.

You could start by having him draw a picture. You could focus him better by saying "draw a picture of the family. When he is done...sit down with him and ask him what his picture is of (even if you think you can tell)... He may let out a few interesting bits of info for you in describing what he drew.

You can sit down with him with playdough and tell him to make something that represents how he feels right now...Give him an example of what you mean...(i.e make a heart and tell him it represents how much you love him) then ask what it is and why he feels that way...

Most importantly, let him tell you in his own word...don't use this time to correct his grammar or offer him words to explain. Anything he says that you don't understand, write them down and take them with you to see your therapist...He might be able to offer some insight. You can continue to see your therapist to let him/her know how you are doing and how effective it seems to be...They may be able to offer suggestions of alternative way or ways to word your questions as you are playing to further encourage your son to talk to you.

If you want a reference for a good therapist who will not automatically encourage you to medicate your son and would see either of you, I know of one...just let me know...

I hope this helps you out... ;-)

Please seek advice from a child psychologist/psychiatrist before his behavior escalates to a point, where it can be harmful to himself and others. I have 14 1/2 yrs. working with children that have challenging behaviors. I can also relate to what you are going through.

I suffer from depression, bipolar, anxiety, and have paranoid schizophrenia. My mom hid my disorder. She kept saying that it's a stage, I'm going through, it's growing pains, it will pass. To make a long story short, I am taking medication and feel alot better. I have a psychiatrist who manages my medication.

Our son kept getting numbers on his folder on a daily basis. We were told that he is impulsive, and does not listen and follow directions. He is in kinder. I've been monitoring him closely, because of what I have. It's hereditary. We took our son to see a child psychiatrist, because he was constantly getting into trouble in school. Mainly, not listening and following directions, not following classroom rules and school rules. We were also getting very frustrated with the situation. He was diagnosed with an anxiety and mood disorder, which may lead to bipolar when he gets older. The dr. did not recommend any medication at the time, just for him to see a therapist. Our son would start crying for no reason. I would ask him what was wrong. He would respond by saying, that he didn't want for us to die. I told him that we will die some day, but not yet, that's life. We live and then we die. He needs to be told the truth. He was fine with that. Our son gets his anxiety and mood disorder from me. I don't want him to go through, what I did as a young adult.

I hope you will find my experience helpful. Good Luck. I know this is very heart breaking for you and your hus-band. Southwest Mental Health have AWESOME child psychologist/psychiatrists. They are located at: 8535 Tom Slick Drive. Their phone# is: ###-###-####. Our son saw Dr. Martin.

try contacting: For Kids Sake.
Lots of resources, classes, possibly counselors.

Get him to a licensed child psychologist for evaluation (not a therapist). He's verbal enough at this stage for a decent evaluation. Especially if he is articulating things like not liking himself. Get a couple of references and find one that doesn't medicate at the drop of a hat. Insurance should cover the evaluation. My first thought is that because he is so large, he is likely being expected to act older than he is. When he can't, he feels badly, because this is an age that likes to please. He is too young to realize that other people are asking him to behave in ways that he literally can't yet and that there is nothing wrong with him. This happened to my godson who looked like he was 5 years old around that age. If there were any incidents in school (biting, hitting, etc.) it seemed like he was always being singled out as the instigator and we suspected that his minders weren't paying close enough attention to how situations were developing until a physical altercation erupted. His mother and we had to CONSTANTLY remind his preschool that he was actually one of the YOUNGEST children and that they needed to adjust their expectations accordingly. Long story short, she got him evaluated and he was fine other than too much stress from unreasonable expectations. We found a new preschool and he did a lot better. He's now 6 and you would never know there had been an issue.