Compeititve Mother Friend

A.,

I would start with a dialog with this friend telling her that the comparisons need to stop. They are not healthy for any of the children involved, or the two of you. Find a child free (good luck) time where the two of you can have a heart to heart, and work out a plan for the two of you. Any good relationship needs boundaries.

If that doesn't work then suggest to her that because of her constant comparisons that you don't feel comfortable doing things with her as a friend. She may not know just how truly annoying and irritating she is being.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi A.,
I have to agree with Melissa. The comparisons have to stop for the childrens sake. She needs to be told. If she doesn't stop there are so many other moms to be friends with. Kids always know when they are being talked about and it causes them to behave differently (just like all of us). Maybe you can explain to her that it's a good thing we're all different. What a boring world it would be if everyone did the same thing at the same time in the same way all of the time. Yikes! Good luck. I know it's always hard to have to let someone go but, I'd definitely start getting together with other folks if a short mention or girl to girl doesn't work with her. If you haven't mentioned this to her yet, everyone is right,she may not be aware of what she's doing. Good luck with this. Hopefully you won't have to lose a friend.

I really hate to say this, but if this is as bad as you say it is, you are going to have to tell her that it makes you mad, or frustrated or however you want to put it, or just tune her out when shes talking. Unfortunatly some people just dont get it unless you put it to them flat out. Good Luck

I always have to scratch my head in amazement when I hear a nice person express concern over offending or hurting the feelings of someone who OBVIOUSLY is so completely lacking in sensitivity that she does not care if she offends and hurts the person who is supposed to be her friend.

If you want it to stop, tell her in a polite, calm and professional manner. If she gets offended, oh well. She's not worried about offending you, is she? In your post, you said "But I don't have any other friends here!" All due respect, it doesn't sound as though you have ANY friends there. You have an acquaintance who wants to make certain that you recognize and understand that SHE (and everything connected to her) is better than YOU. She doesn't sound like much of a friend, does she. (Are you still worried about "offending" her?!?!?!)

I would (and have) said something like: "Look, Mary, I appreciate that you have a very competitive spirit but I have to tell you that you're in a competition all by yourself, here. I am NOT interested in competing with my friends over our children, our husbands, or anything else and I really would rather we talk about something else."

Frankly, I would suggest that you get out a little more and meet actual friends who will behave in a friendly manner!

there is so much here, I will take on one thing at a time

if you simply agree with her that her son is so much more advanced and her husband is so much better, she will have nowhere to go. There is a saying, 'what you resist, persists' your--erm--mature friend sounds like her ego needs a lot of stroking. I am reminded of teenage boys I used to work with who constantly shared their (supposed) sexual escapades--the more outrageous and insistent the story, the less likely it was that any of it was true.

Secondly, there must be parks or other venues for you to meet moms, unless you live out in the woods away from humanity. give yourself space and permission to seek out other moms--

The third thing is that in my experience, things don't bother me unless on some level, even subconsciously, I think there may be a bit of truth to them. Years ago, I used to worry and whine about how my ex thought I was a bad mom. then one day a colleague said, " he doesn't think you're a bad mom, YOU DO." I knew he was on to something by the intensity of my reaction when he said that. I really wanted to hit him!! I did a lot of work to get to the bottom of THAT one. Once I cleared and got to what a great mom I am, I stopped having challenges with my ex--how cool is that--I am a personal coach and these kinds of 'knee-jerk' responses are my specialty. My business is listed here, by the way--Momentum With M.. Blessings and good luck.

I went through something similar with a friend of mine, except my friend put her child down and kept comparing her daughter to my son. Eventually, I had to sit down with her and express my feelings about the situation. I knew that there was a good chance that she was going to get offended. But, I also figured, that if she is a good friend of mine, she would respect my feelings, even if she was upset a bit. A true friend will accept the criticism and respect your feelings.
It took me many years to learn this myself. I spent a lot of years getting so upset when someone expressed their feelings to me. I kept taking it so personally, but never realizing that the person who is my friend, just wants me to hear them out and respect their feelings. I now understand. Even though sometimes I'm hurt by something that a friend says, I respect their feelings and take in the criticism. Who knows, it might be something I needed to hear. :D

Hi, A.
Thanks for sharing your issue with your girlfriend, I think we have all exprienced something lie this! & it comes from insecurity about something. Perhaps her marriage! If she has 2 under 3, she hs her hands full, & now she's begun comparing hubbies!

I immediatly thought of a workshop I once took in 'Hakomi,' which can be used as a counseling technique, or along with bodywork (I'm a massage therapist & grandma). You basically mirror back what they're saying, get them to express their concerns, then, while validating the concern, re-state your position.

The teacher gave an example of something that happened with her mom for YEARS - everytime she was on the phone, her mom would ask 'are you wearing a bra?' (!!!) She was small, & usually didn't - if she told the truth, her mom nagged, if she fibbed, her mom pressed her for the truth, . . .

One day, after she'd taken Hakomi, she decided to give that a try.
Mom: "are you wearing a bra?" . . .
Teacher: "It really bothers you when I don't wear a bra, doesn't it?"
M: - (a bit confused & surprised) 'Well, yes it does!'
T: "You think of Aunt Madge, & how saggy her breasts got, don't you"
M: 'Well, yes, now that you mention it, it does!! I'm afraid you will look like she did!'
T: "That really concerns you, doesn't it?"
M: 'Well, of course it does!!' (a few more rounds of 'understanding,' then:)
T: "You know, it used to concern me, too; then I realized I was only a 32A, & that probably wasn't going to be a problem for me! So unless I'm going out, I find a plain undershirt works just fine for me! But I understand where you're coming from!"
M: 'Well, it does worry me!'
T: "I know it does! I appreciate your concern, thanks for always having my best interest at heart! (& on to something else)

Next call - NO MENTION OF THE BRA!! Her mom never mentioned it again!

With the friend, it might go something like this:
Friend bragging . . .
A.: "Isn't it exciting to watch them grow?"
Friend (tries to engage in comparison)
A: "You know, when (eldest) was little, I worried about whether (he/she) was keeping up with the kids around (him/her)! S/he did a lot of things early, & I was so proud - it's fun to see the different personalities, & to realize that each child does some things early, & takes awhile with others. Do you sometimes worry about . . .'s progress?"
Friend: 'well, ... is really advanced!!'
A: "It's fun to watch, isn't it! I love it when they learn new things - (& get her engaged in telling about the newest thing the BABY has done - If you have an idea where her insecurity lies, gently see if she's ready to talk about it. & affirm that you understand her concerns about her children's development, )

& check in with yourself - if you find yourself dreading your 'friend's' visits, look for other friends!! - library story time, kids yours play well with at school or in the park, . . .
My dau is in a Mom's group that has met since her older daugher (8)'s first summer - the core group had been in childbirth classes together. Now, most have at least 2, some 3 kids. The oldest group is in second grade in a duel-emersion Spanish/English classroom. (only one has half Hispanic children - they all want their kids to be bi-lingual)

Most work outside the home, they meet weekly for a play date, & have a monthly 'mom's nite out.' Last summer they did an overnight trip to the beach (I had a room close by with her two girls, then 7 & 2)
It's been great for her.
A few people have invited a friend to join Moms - occ someone they wish they hadn't! (one 'fired' herself when she got mad at something that happened - everyone was relieved). So do check in with yourself on how you feel about this friendship? "Anything that's not an energy source is an energy drain." (of course we all have down days/times, but if this has been going on for awhile, consider getting out!)

I can't imagine the schedule you must have had working on your master's & with three kids!! Congradulations on your degree - & good luck with job, childcare, & time for you!

I agree with Karen S. She pretty much nailed it.
Take it from me someone who's been there done that. Hey what is friendship for if you can't "help" each other through unpleasant moments?
If you want to really be her friend have a heart to heart with her and tell her how it makes YOU feel, emphasis on YOU so it will give her less reason to get defensive. Let her know how you like so many thing about your relationship (name at least three) but that this one thing is really annoying and bothersome, that it repels YOU. Remember to take all the blame.
Keep the friend as you grow older you will find they are few and far between and friendships true friends go the distance and help each other grow.
Good luck!

Hi A., if you live in Vancouver, there are plenty of mommy's groups that I hear of (I also don't know anyone here). If you aren't into mommy groups, perhaps joining a book club or taking a class at your local community center would be a good idea. You can also go to Sip-N-Play or the play area at the mall, and see if you make any friends there. When I recover from my surgery, I will take my own advice and try to make friends out here.
If you want to remain friends with this person, maybe you could ask her why she is always comparing kids and husbands. It's a simple question, and if she gets offended by it, then she doesn't deserve your friendship.

Hi A.,
My guess is this competition doesn't have anything to do with you or your kids or hers. It is completely about her and her need for validation. She is not as confident as you are and she needs to make herself feel more important by making "hers" (regardless of what it is) the best. Perhaps she is intimidated by you. Perhaps she really has no self confidence under that tough competitive shell.

Maybe you feel strongly enough about it to just say, "That's interesting, but I don't want to compare families anymore. We're all unique." Maybe she is looking to be more like you. Maybe she just wishes her kids were older or something?

When you "eat up" the comparisons, it feeds her, so maybe gently changing the subject ("what books have you read lately") would help with that. Good luck!

A.-

The funny thing about competitive moms is that they aren't in competition to make you feel inferior, they usually are doing this to help themselves feel superior. They feel poorly about something in their life and need you (and your "flaws") so they can feel better. It's a false front of "perfection".

You do need to let your friend know that her constant comparisons are making you feel upset. But you may want to look closer at her life and see what hurt it is that she's hiding.

No one is perfect, everyone has secret hurts. And try to remember that even if you drive this friend away, there are other moms out there looking for a good friend.

Good luck to you!
-B.-

Hello A., I know how hard it is to make friends and then to keep them can be even more challenging. My advice, talk to her openly and honestly if your to remain friends you two will work it out. I believe communication is the key to any relationship, boundaries help as well, do what your instincts tell you. I wish you well.

A., I had some good advice given to me one time when I was in a position like you are. This person told me that one thing we have control over is the people tha twe let into our lives.
If that person does not give out anything positive to your life then why have them in your life?
If someone constantly makes rifs in your life you do not need them.
A friend should make you feel good about yourself, you should love spending time with them and most important they should accept you for yourself....and your children for themselves.
This person seems to me from what you have said a very self-centered,competitive and demeaning person. I am wondering what you get out of the girlfriend relationship. I know that you said you do not have many friends there but I would go out and meet some more. Join some play groups with the younger one where you are around other mothers with their children.
When it comes to your husband making a mistake...if things are fine between you now and you have forgiven him than this is off limits to this person.
She sounds like someone that adds nothing to your life but negative feelings and a friend should add positive influence...or they ARE NOT A FRIEND.
I would slowly be busy..even if I had to make it up...when she wants to come over and I would stop calling her....she will get the hint.
Take back control of this relationship and you will feel so much better.
I personally think she sounds like a very insecure person that is counting on you to feed her ego as to how wonderful she is as a mother, wife and all around person.
Leave her to herself and she will do just fine. She talks enough of herself that she is just using you to make her feel good and that is wrong.
Or she is just so miserable that she wants company.
Whatever this is not a friend....remember whatshe says to your face should be nice...what is she saying to other people about you? She is not trustworthy.

Remember to choose people that make us feel good and leave the negative alone...we creat enough of that all by ourselves. Do something that you gain some NEW confidence in yourself. You dfinitely need to get out and meet some more people...there are things you can do with the kids and meet other mothers that will compliment you and feed a relationshipwith a positive atmosphere...
Remember...keep people around you that have a positive effect on a friendship.
This woman is sacrificing you to feed her ego...get away.
I have two girls...as different as night and day and two grandchildren that are like mine I have had them for so long. I have seven other grandchildren and each of them are their own individual self. The worst thing that anyone can do is compare children to one another.
If you want to be friends with this person you would have to set it straight...but I do not think she is worth it. She is too into herself...she is running you and your child down to make herself feel good and like I said before...she IS NOT a friend. She is just someone you are acquainted with....................... She probably does not have very many friends just because she is the way she is..Hugs L.

Why not try something different – YOU admire how wonderful, handsome, brilliant, athletic (or whatever she seems to need to hear) her children are. Be warm and generous and as sincere as possible with your praise. If she compares her kids favorably to yours (or compares husbands), just agree with a smile. If you know otherwise, why do you need to defend yourself, your kids, or your husband? Her opinion won't change the truth of it.

Picture it! What's she going to do then? Her habit isn't likely to become more annoying, because you'll be modeling for her what you wish to receive from her (you know that Golden Rule thing?). Maybe she'll just relax, and discover she is able to appreciate your kids' unique strengths and charms in the ways you are teaching. Maybe she'll become aware of what she is doing, and be a little embarrassed about it. I've seen it happen.

If all else fails, you'll probably notice you're not much interested in getting together with her in the future. Follow that instinct.

Boy oh boy, you are in a rough place! It seems like your friend isn't paying attention to any of the non-verbal clues you've given her. For some people you just have to come right out and say exactly what the problem is.

Seems like she has her own personal issues that's hurting your friendship. Are you willing to let her continue to browbeat you just to maintain a relationship that is so one-sided?

Reach out to Mamasource. I'm sure there are other Moms who live in your area. Join a bookclub or a mall walking group. Check out the kid's reading hour at the library, take your kids to the playground. You are bound to run into other Moms.

A. you have to stand up for yourself or suffer in silence. I don't believe this friendship as you described it, is worth all the unhappiness you feel. E.

A.,

Is she a good enough friend that you would like to help her out-grow her comparing and putting-down behavior? Sure, you can drop her like a hot potato, That's common in relationships... Just go on your way.

But if you have it in you to help her see her short comings, your friendship could grow... She could grow, you could grow too. I see it as a potential growth opportunity. As humans, we need to invest in each other, if possible. If she chooses to bail out of the relationship because you address her difficult behavior, then at least you tried.

I agree that something between you and her has got to change. I'm just not a fan of giving up on people too soon. Exceptions being: Unwillingness to feel, grow, learn, be non-judgemental and be honest. Being presented with an opportunity to change is not always a comfortable situation. Be hopeful and tell her what you think! Her initial reaction may be defensiveness. After that, see what comes next without judging her initial defensiveness.

This woman is not your friend if she keeps comparing herself to you and her family to yours. I suggest you limit your time with her and cultivate other friendships.

Good luck!

Hello A. ~
My advise is this, let her know that God created us all different, no two are alike. What she is looking for is approval, she may be lacking this in her personal life, so therefore she feels like she has to compare you and your life to hers just for her own edification. she needs to feel good and better than you because s you possess the things or thing that she lacks. next time that she brings something up tell her in a very nice mature way that your sons are created equal and yet very different in the sight of God, He loves them both equally, He does not show favoritizum to anyone of His children. And neither do you. Her life are completely different than yours and your husbands. Being boastfull is a turn off and you would appreciate it if she stop trying to make you feel inferior to her, you love her, respect her and you expect the same in the relationship. and by meaning love and respect her you mean every part of her and her life, therefore that means that you will never compare her or the things of her life to yours and you would apprectiate it if she wouldnt.
The Bible says in Joshua 1:9
" Be strong and couragous! Do not tremble nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go."

Keep this scripture in your mind when you speak to her.
and this is a scripture for you...Numbers 6:24-27

"The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord make his face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you,
The Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
And give you peace."

Jesus Loves you so much and it grieves Him to know that you are being hurt like this, to Him you are as precious as fine jewels and stones. everything that you have, your children and your husband are blessings from Him alone and you should never be compared to anyone. He created everything that you are and your family are, Be proud of it! Possess it, it is yours. He gave you the Love of your family to you not so that she can compare you to her, but because He loved you from the womb of your mother. Have the assurance that God loves you, wants you, and created you and most of all Died on the cross for your Sins. If you and your family where insignificant to others than why did He die on a cross for you? Dont let her make you feel like you lack anything, when you have the Love of Jesus.
I hope that this helps you ad I am going to keep you in my prayers! Jesus is your helper, and friend if you let him.
God Bless you and all of your family,
love,
T.

Time for a new friend sister! Then you can just put some distance between the two you (gee I'm really busy, etc.) and let things naturally drift apart. A little passive agressive I know...but no need to hurt her feelings. Just find some more compatible people to hang out with and choose to put your time and efforts there!

My kids are never smarter than anybody elses (lol) so I'd be willing to meet for coffee and talk about our totally normal families :)

L. H

PS I'm a 38 y/o sahm to 9 and 5 year old girls. Married for 11 years.

I would really get wrapped up in finding work. You will make some real friends when you start working and just be too busy for this person. I would just distance myself from her. Maybe get involved in church, your kids school activities, if they are into soccer or sports get involved with that. You will find some new friends doing things with your kids! Congrats on getting your masters!! That is really wonderful and will certainly open doors for you!!

It's been my experience that people who brag about themselves, their children, etc. are usually unsure of themselves, their children, etc. They are building themselves up by comparing and finding that they are better.
Therefore I would talk with her, first saying that you value her friendship and don't want to lose it. Go on to brag about her and her children. Then tell her that since you know that both her's and your children are doing well you want to stop comparing them. You might even say that you recognize that her children are doing better in her opinion and wonder if she is comparing because she thinks your children aren't doing as well. This should start a conversation that will open up to talking about feelings, both hers and yours. End the conversation with an agreement that you both will stop making comparisons and perhaps agree on a signal that the other person is once more comparing. By making the agreement go both ways she is more apt to agree.

Don't suggest that she is insecure or that her comparisons indicated any "diagnosis" at all. But do let her know in feeling kinds of word that you are becoming resentful of the comparisons and that you want to stoop the comparisons. Perhaps suggest other ways to brag about each of your kids. For example she could say that her or your kid is bright (or whatever compliment she chooses) and not say anything about the other kid. This way she can still brag about her kids without involving yours. You could also "jump the gun" on her and brag about her kid. This might make it more difficult for her to make a comparison because it will seem more like a "put down."

When she brings up the same subject several times, such as with your husband, say calmly, in a friendly tone of voice, but firmly, "just drop it, already!" And say it everytime she brings it up. My friends and I do this sort of thing with each other and no one has been seriously offended. Sometimes we don't see or call each other for a few days. Afterwards we're back to being friendly again.

Have you tried immediately changing the subject. This is a hint to socially aware people to drop the present conversation. If this doesn't work with her after a few times, clue her in to it's meaning in a non-confrontive way. There is a web site on non-confrontive conversation that might help.

If she is unaware of other's feelings and is mostly self-centered it's unlikely that anything can change her way of talking. Then you may want to let go of the friendship.

Making more friends(at least one more) is as important as finding a job. You've had to be focused on your family and education. Now it is time to broaden your experience.

I've not been to Kennewick for 50 years and so I don't know what is available. Portland has a thin magazine that lists articles about babies and children as well as having both advertised and unadvertised activities for children and families. Another place here to meet mothers is the library. Every time I've been there there have been several mothers with their kids looking at books. Our libraries also have tot and children times for reading as a group in a separate room.

Perhaps there is a mother on this site who also lives in or near Kennewick who is also looking for friends. They could send you a personal message.

Competition is hard not to buy into sometimes and from your comments...it sounds you are comparing them just as much. You did make a point to tell her that the reason for the difference is that yours is younger and mention on here that your oldest was more advanced or that your youngest is happier and more laid back compared to hers. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism. We've all had friends or situations like this and often times not realize that we are helping the problem. I know I have - mine was in regards to work though.

So now what? First, recognize your reaction and make a point to think positively of both families. Second, take her to a wine bar or a coffee house with just the two of you and be thankful for her friendship but be honest that she's making you feel like you have to constantly defend your family to her. You are all happy, healthy, on track and your marriage is a good one and that is what matters.

My guess is, there is some jealousy going on - but NO ONE responds well to that. So just talk about the positives and moving forward.

I fully agree with Karen. She does not sound like a friend at all. I think she has some self esteem issues and I'm sure there is something negative in her life that she has not told you about, or maybe hasn't even realized fully herself. People don't act that way for nothing. But if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get to the bottom of the cause, I have dealt with people like her before and that would be a dead end road, Guaranteed. I understand what it's like to not have a lot of friends around, or any for that matter. But I think she needs to go and in the meantime, turn to your family, kids and husband for company. I know its not the same as a friend, but REAL friends are supposed to be unbiased, and she is definatly not. I don't know what area you are in, but I live in Tacoma and I am always up for new friends. I have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4 this summer. Good luck, this is tough and I know how you feel about not wanting to offend her, but truth is, that's probably what she needs.

Hi A.,

Oh boy, you should keep your door open to other friendships. If she is truly your friend and not someone using you to make herself feel good or a person that needs to be better than. I would write myself a list of the three things she does or says that is most offensive to you, practice your approach so you don't become upset and have a sit down talk about it with her. And definitely let her know that she is offending you. She may not realize it and you both can make a joke about it and use the joke when she starts. Or she'll get angry and defensive, but friends should be able to let each other know how to be good friends.

Hope this helps.
J.

A.,

I understand the stress you are undertaking. Looking for good daycare and work is hard.

I recommend letting your friend know that even if she isn't meaning to add to your stress, her constant comparisons do add to your stress. You value her friendship, but will not keep contact if she continues to harangue you.

Let her decide. You do not need to listen to any person who isn't supportive and friendly. Sharing woes is one thing that she hasn't figured out yet.

Good luck.

A great way to meet "real" friends is through www.meetup.com
I'd totally eliminate this person from my life. You can find or start mom's groups, tea lovers groups, all kinds of groups on meetup.com and meet people who share your interest.

C.-Busy WAHM to 4y/o virtual twins
Owner: BeHappierAtHome.com

Agree with her. "Oh yes, you're right. What was I thinking?"

I hate to be the devils advocate, and I can't say that I know the entire situation based on one posting. None of us can. So take what I say however you want.

We have friends who have a son who is less than 2 months younger than our first child. I know we both compare them on occasion. I do brag when my son hits milestones earlier than I believe is normal, but I also know my son is behind in other things. I don't know if the difference is that this is my first so everything he does is amazing to me. I don't know if I necessarily compare to their son for these milestones or think mine is better, but I just want to share my excitement. I think it is normal for parents to want to share their children's accomplishments.

Having said this I think bragging about your child is normal, but commenting on the lack of accomplishments of another child is rude, and something I would not tolerate. So if that is what is being done I would say something, but if it is just her saying look at what my kid can do then let her brag knowing that she is just so proud.

Hope it all works out for you.

H.

I certainly can relate to your situation and that is why I am responding. I have had the same situation with my sister-in-law who it seems has been in competition with me over EVERYTHING ever since I met her thirty years ago. After all of these years, I'm 53 now, I have learned that it takes two to make a competition. Even when we aren't contributing to the competition we are still in it as long as what the other person says bothers us or we feel angry or frustrated about it.

I'm not one to give advice but if it were me I would find a way, inside of myself, for what my freind says not to bother me. A way I suppose to allow her to yak on and on and on without my getting aggravated or responding to her with my side of things (again it takes two to make a competition). The only other option would be to end your relationship with this person because I have found that if a relationship isn't mutually beneficial and isn't bringing both parties joy then the relationship shouldn't exist. There is no law anywhere that says we have to be friends with anyone else when being friends with them is more of a negative experience than a positive one. No friendship is perfect but a friendship most certainly shouldn't be more aggravating than it is fun.

However, when we try to see things from the other persons perspective we very often have a better understanding of why they do and say the things that they do. I have turned many relationships around by simply trying to see things from the other persons perspective and understanding that they do the things they do out of insecurity or feeling inferior to others. Then of course it's all about compassion and understanding their need to feel superior.

In closing I will leave you with one fact of life. We cannot change others...we can only change ourselves. So if you can't figure out a way to allow her to feel superior to you without you feeling badly about it perhaps it would be best to end the relationship or at the very least limit it to infrequent contact with this person.

Sincerely,
C.

This is a tough one, and unfortunately I have been there. It may come to a point where it did with my friend and I where you just have to distance yourself from her. I still talk to my friend, but it's far and few between when we do talk. She still compares kids, and it's frustrating, but distancing myself has helped with that problem a lot. If you can't or don't want to do that, maybe speaking up and saying something to her might help? I am also in a spot where I don't have many friends, but she was always bringing me down and putting me in an awful mood, so the decision I made worked out ok. Best of luck!

Like many of the moms below indicate, we've all been in situations like this, or which are similar in some way. Ask yourself the questions: "Why is she my friend? What is it that I like about her and the time we spend together?" This will speak words. If there are qualities of your friendship you feel make it worth working through these other differences, than follow the advice of many of the moms below. Otherwise, I would say that you just distance yourself and make new friends. You have plenty of opportunities through your kid's school and activity environments as well as your own schooling as well.

I agree that a heart to hear is in order. The I language thing is important. Let her know that you value her friendship but it really hurts your feelings when she compares your family to hers. Sounds like she might be threatened by all of the fabulous things that are happening in your life right now. After you have talked and she straightens up her act, if she occasionally slips up I'd say something like, "Isn't it great that all kids are different. It makes life so much more interesting". Hopefully she'll get the point.

Congrats on your masters! Way to go!!!!!!!!

I agree with Dana. A friend who acts like her isn't a frined at all. It's not a healthy relationship to have in your life. Especially if it drains you and maybe you even dread running into her or being around her. Too many people these days settle for less. There's no reason to. Good luck!!!

A. ~ I SOOOOOOO feel for you. I have had a couple of people like this in my life in the past and it is VERY frustrating. I think you need to find a time where you can just be real and share your frustrations with her...that you're tired of her constant comparisons. It may be offensive, but her behavior is offensive to you as well. I am a "cooperative" personality, so I won't even pretend that the talk will be easy. But it would be very releasing for you, I think. Also, just be confident that your kids are unique treasures no matter where they fall in comparison with other kids. I'm proud of you for taking the high road in not highlighting the fact that your oldest child's milestones were more advanced. I pray that you are able to find some other friends who you feel GREAT around!!

Personally I don't do well with competitive people....about anything. I don't get it. I don't care for it either. If I have a friend who is like that - I don't hang around that much. I like one of the other suggestions to get involved with a church and other places.

I am involved in a Mom's Club down here in Eugene, OR and I'm sure there is a chapter in your area. Go onto www.momsclub.org and find a chapter in your area. We do play dates, activities, crafts, and such. It's pretty cool.

Another option to is to look onto Craigslist.com and look in the groups. Or type in playdate....you might find a new friend(s) there. Have fun too.

I feel like you're talking about a "friend" of mine! My "friend" acts almost exactly the same way. Long story short, we recently had a disagreeent where she blew up because of something really small and insignificant. We haven't talked in a while (I apologized for upsetting her, so my conscience is clear) and I feel such a sense of freedom! It's tiring being bossed around all the time. I'd really recommend cutting her loose (nicely, of course) and moving on. It can be a little scary if you don't have any other friends nearby, but try hooking up with a local moms group of baby gym class. That's a great way to meet other moms!
Good luck!
A.

A., I hope you are able to talk to your friend, I think you should try to be honest and open with her. I have been in this same position and finally just told the other parent that all child develope at their own pace and it is not a competition. I do daycare and constantly have parents trying to compete with each other it makes it tough on the children. I wish you all the best.

I would start by taking a break from her. I understand you don't have alot of friends in the area but space can help alot when people are getting tiresome. PEPS is really great for meeting other moms but you might be to late for that. Try their website peps.org I think. You could try being honest with her about how you feel about her comparisons or just say something like. "I know isn't it amazing how different everyone is." I also make sure I only tell friend really positive things about my husband to avoid that situation as well. I am sorry your friend is causing so much frustration. I have had this happen and it is a really hard situation.

I guess sometimes we just have to grin and bear it....even though it sucks. My sister in law has three and I have three and her oldest is one month older then mine and we always play the camparing game. It sucks I know. Just remind her that they will all be caught up with eachother someday. All that matters is that you both raise healthy children that will hopefully someday be wonderful caring adults in this world. Other then that if she keeps it up, tell her that she may have to find a new friend if she can not stop being so competitive. She may not even notice that she is doing it. She may just be bragging. Lots of parents love to talk about thier kids and compare them to where other kids are at. It is natural.

Best of luck.
D.

Sounds like she's not very secure in her world. You just finished your masters and that's quite an accomplishment with 3 young children and a husband in the house. Congratulations!!! Don't want to compare 'kid notes', then don't share their accomplishments. Don't want advice or empathy, don't share trials and tribulations. If the relationship is one based on comparisons, time to move on. Sometimes we grow up and apart. You don't have to tell her to shut up, just don't talk with her. You need to make a decision as to what's in the best interests for you. If you're constantly defending your kids, your husband and yourself, then time to move on. She may have been a great friend and confidante at one time in your life, but she's threatened by your accomplishments and is grasping at any positive thing in her life. The only way she can feel equal to your accomplishments is to put your kids and husband's feats down. Do her and yourself a huge favor and have a heart to heart conversation without kids around, if you value her friendship. Let her know how this feels and how much you admire all her accomplishments, how happy you are for her that her kids are thriving and growing. Then ask her to do the same for you, unconditionally. If this can't happen, it's time to find, to make a new friend.

I have a sister like this, its always a competition, the best way I've dealt with it to keep the peace in our family is to tune her out. Easier said than done sometimes I know, but with some practice you can do it :-) Good Luck

The weather is getting warmer and the park is a great place to meet new people and kids. I think expanding your circle of friends would be helpful. You can get the adult interaction you need and less of the negative stuff that weighs you down. You can't change another human being; You can only learn to live with what they have to offer.

sounds like we know the same girl! i can't tell you how similar this sounds to my neighbor. even if you told her to keep her mouth shut it won't help. i did that and we stopped talking for 3 weeks and then once she got over it, it was back to business as usual. now, i just tune her out or if i'm feeling a bit sarcastic, i'll say stuff like "i know...because your kids are so advanced, perfect, smart, handsome." whatever she is commenting on. at least i can laugh about it on the inside! and i try to keep my time with her in tiny doses.

Hi A.,

Well, by all accounts it sounds like this "friend" is extremely insecure and not a friend at all. It also appears that you are extremely grounded, highly intelligent and obviously going to find a ton of success ahead of you...along with the success you have already obtained! I think it is best to slowly distance yourself from this person. Look for mothers groups in your area, MOPS, etc. I am a mother of 4, ranging in age from 5-20, I stay at home but own my own business. I've run into this a few times with other women and I just move slowly away. It isn't healthy for the children involved, and it certainly isn't healthy for us as mothers. Believe me, you will find other friends in your area. I have found many many friends through my children's sports teams, my church, and through work, despite the fact that my office has been here at home since the birth of my 3rd child in 1999. I'm not sure which area you live in, but I'd be happy to help you find some mothers groups and would strongly suggest any YMCA for sports for your young family.

Good luck, I know it's terribly hard to get established and find really good "girlfriends", but believe me, they are out there!

D.

I hate to tell you this but my advice is to move on and find new friends. I don't think she will change, that's just who she is. You can try to talk to her but I would not expect much. Get involved with a Mom's group, go to the park and meet other moms. You'll be surprised at how many good friends you can meet by chance. There are also the moms at school.
Good luck,
D.

Dear A.:
Go make new friends- she is not a friend if she does this to you. I grew up with my best friend's mom doing this to me. It drove my mom nuts and until this day my mom does not speak to hers but my best friend and I still talk and are still best friends. Her mom still says things that are hurtful but I let it pass- but when my mom hears about it she is furious. It is not healthy and who needs friends like that? This is a great outlet to meet new people in your area. Where do you live? I live in Bothell. If you would like to talk you can email me at ____@____.com care and don't let your "friend" put you and your family down.

-Steph

Oy! She sounds depressed. You need to get a few new friends. I do not think there is really anything you can say that will not really hurt her feelings since she is clearly easily hurt and very frail. I think you are right in being offended, friends should encourage each other and relish thier similarities and differences, strengths and weaknesses. We all know that everyone has problems they are just different. I have an 8 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. Our kids would play well together. What area do you live in?

Hi A.! I took a look at all the responses you've gotten, and you don't need my 2 cents, at all! But I just love to give them!!! Seriously, leave the girl alone! Maybe she has some redeeming qualities, but since you haven't mentioned any, I'm going to assume that she is not fun to be around. Or, oddly, she IS fun to be around, as long as you agree that she IS exceptional...if that's the case, I doubt that she'll change without something happening in her life to make her considerate of the effect she has on people.
We all want to have someone notice US...we want our turn, and in a good friendship, there is give and take. If you don't get what you need out of this relationship...reevaluate. Just what makes you think you can't make better, more caring friends? I am sure that you feel like you've invested some time in this one, and you don't want to have to do the same thing over again, but it is worth doing for your and your kiddos sake. What if you start believing the stuff she says to you about your hubby? You don't mention the kind of mistake, so if it's a deal-breaker like cheating...maybe she is trying to help???
But, if you are in a healthy relationship with your man, then you need to protect it. That includes protecting your mind against negative thoughts about him and your marriage.
I think I just gave you forty cents!
Take care, and be good to yourself and those you love.

Most likely she is insecure and definitely immature. You can bite your tongue as she will not change her behavior or find new friends. While I am sure she drives you nuts, maybe she does not know how to be a real friend, maybe her life is rough so she says things to make it look better- who knows. Wish I had an answer for you.

She doesn't seem like such a "girlfriend" to me. At this time in my life, I'm 37, I don't believe in continuing toxic friendships anymore. Life is too short to be bogged down with people who stress you out or always make you feel bad. Put yourself out there to find people who are similar to you, whether joining a group or something else. Also, when you decide to cut her off, tell her - be honest and explain why. You could even show her this posting. You are too important to yourself, your kids and your husband to feel constently put down.

Get rid of her!! It only gets worse, believe me I know. Do't waste your time. If you need a friend contact me!!

She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me. Do you live in the Quincy WA area and if so it sounds like you could use a friend that won't compare anything. If you would like a friend let me know. Also be sure to tell her that you don't appreciate her comparing your family to hers and how much better her family is.

My e-mail is ____@____.com