Communication Issues

I hate to be blunt but you say you know he loves you. How do you know this? It doesn't seem by his actions. Maybe there is more going on. Good luck.

S. -

Have you tried writing him a letter? Maybe that will help to get your feelings out and help you keep from getting emotional and upset toward him. Tell him you love him and you want to be a partnership, work together so that you're both getting what you want. Tell him you miss his big warm body in bed beside you.

There's obviously something bothering him. Whether it's you or your conversation, I can't say. He may have some things going on outside of the house that are affecting his mood. You can't try and "mind read" your way out of this - he has to open up. Just be prepared for the news he gives you; you may hear something you don't want to hear. I hope you can work it out.

Good luck.

Hi there, Im new here, but had to chime in. Your story sounded very familiar to me. My husband and I have been separated for 4 months now and the things you are describing were just the beginning for us. My husband was always very loving and affectionate and the first sign that something was wrong was when I noticed he stopped being affectionate to me. Ofcourse that hurt and when I asked him about it he would say that he didnt notice any difference. I was always on edge because of it thinking that it was ME, which turned into us having arguement after arguement. Sleeping separately. I would always try to talk to him about it but he wouldnt tell me anything. Finally he told me he was going through a lot of emotional problems and he didnt know how to deal with it, and us arguing all the time was just making it worse. He thought he needed some time away to work on himself...which was supposed to just be a temporary thing, but here we are, 4 months later. It has been one big emotional roller coaster. I got myself into counseling to work on my own problems and have been put on an anti-depressant. He is also on an anti-depressant now. We were talking about trying to make things work just a few weeks ago and then one little arguement over visitations with the children caused him to decide that he's not ready yet and that things arent going to work because of the arguing. It's been a long bumpy road and I really dont know what the future holds for us. Im really hoping that you can figure out what is going on. There has to be something else deeper causing these problems between you two. The problem is finding out exactly what it is! If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me!

First men are strange creatures thay are taught to not feel emotion from thier parents. I get a feeling that maybe he is going through something himself that he doesn't want to involve you in yet.

I by no means know anything I am married to a truck driver and most of our meaningful conversations and fights are via a telephone. Maybe he is feeling inadequate due to the fact that you work and he don't.

Men are conditioned to provide for thier families and maybe he is going through some depression due to that. My husband came off the road for a while and worked a local job for me, cause I was home all day every day with the kids. After six months of both of us working he was feeling so bad that we didn't have what we needed he went back over the road.

My husband will not fight he hates to fight and will ignore me all day if he has to. I learned to use the reverse on him and praising him for little things made a difference just recently we went through a job change he was so stressed about this job that our relationship started to suffer. I supported his decision to change jobs and he told me he wanted us to get back to the way we were and brought home flowers the last time he came home.

Men don't know how we feel and believe me I have cried and yelled and been so mad because he never understands what I go through but I still tell him how I feel. I would tell him simply that you feel neglected when he sleeps on the couch and you know he is going through something right now and when he is ready to talk you will be there, maybe he will feel at ease to share what is going on with you. I hope things get better for you and your family.

S.,
There is a great website for family resources called familylife.org. They have a cd called Love & Respect that is GREAT. It sounds like to me he does not feel respected. As women, we need love. As men, they need Respect. Sounds crazy but it's true. When we get upset we cry when they are upset they get angry. The next time he gets angry think back to what you may have done that he would view as disrespectful. The cd explains it in full. It always takes one person to be the mature one and work toward resolving the issue. He may just need to know that you are behind him no matter what and that whatever is bothering him you are there. Let him know you miss him and that you won't continue to nag. Every chance you get praise him for the good you see and try not to take everything personally when you are not getting all you need. It very well could be other issues that he hasn't worked out yet! Good luck.

Hi S.,

First off let me say this is not normal... Is he feeling depressed about being the one at home while your at work? Is there something going on at school that he hasn't told you? Or is it something else? Based on your age (26) and being married almost 7 years, that means you got married at 21? right? Is he the same age as you? There could be so many contributing factors. You say that he loves you no question, then why would he be sleeping on the couch? It has to be something else then. I would personally get a freind or neighbor to watch the girls and have a discussion. And don't let him get up and leave when the talk get's to be to much. One thing I learned in my 10 years of marriage, never every go sleep on the couch!! Turn on the lights in the bedroom and don't let them go to sleep until you have it worked out. I use to get pissed and sleep on the couch, then I found out, it wouldn't bother him, he would go right to sleep, which would further piss me off, and I would lay awake all night hoping that he would come in and want to work things out.... He didn't. Now I turn on the lights and keep him awake until we work it out!!
I wish you all the luck in the world, but again, get the girls away from the discussion and then have the talk, keep him there even if it ends up a knock down drag out fight, get it worked out once and for all.
J.

S.,

Please don't be sorry for rambling. You need to get it off your chest. i am so sorry your husband is not willing to communicate in a way with you that would resolve this. My senses tell me there is more to this then meets the eye. I have been with my husband 7 yrs married 5 and this is my second marriage. I was married almost 10yrs before.

If you have opened up to him and he is still not responding there is something going on. My husband and I have had some big time arguments about family , kids etc. But we have never went anymore then a day. It is not healthy for your relationship to continue this way.

I would approach him one more time and tell him you need to find resolve to this matter. Tell him how it makes you feel when he is sleeping on the couch every night. How you don't understand why you are not connecting anymore. Focus on how you are feeling and how you can't live this way. Stay away from the blame game or telling him things he is doing wrong. Just focus on how you feel due to what is happening.

Then ask him if he wants your marriage to work? That you are supposed to be partners and companions and you don't see that these days. That in order to be a family you both need to work together.

Seriously I don't know the whole scoop. But you need to resolve this.. In order for your life to move forward. If you want to email offlist please feel free to .

L.

Hi. My situation is very similar to yours. My husband and I will be married seven years in april and we also have two little girls. We have had many,many, communication problems. I think very strongly that most problems in a relationship have more to do with an individual problem than a problem in the relationship. The communication thing is definitly a problem. But it sounds like maybe there's something going on with him. We've had so many fights about who does what and who's not getting what, but most of the time that's not really the problem there is always an underlying issue. So maybe it would be a good idea to just ask him if there is something bothering him that he's having a hard time talking about. Keep in mind that that doesn't give him a right to shut you out but maybe that would explain why he is. I don't think your feelings are silly at all. Being shut out by someone you share your life with is an awful feeling. But if you go to him calmy and make sure that he understands that you are hurt and that you feel like there is a problem that you would like to be resolved and that you can be understanding if he has a problem maybe he'll be more open to discussing. Don't let him tell you there's no problem. The're obviously is if he's sleeping on the couch. I don't know if any of this helps. But try to keep your chin up. Remember men handle situations so diffrently than women and they don't always understand how hurtfull they can be. -Jen

There's a lot of great advice and insight already here in response to your request, but here's my two pennies anyway:

It's obvious you married young, so did I. Is your guy around the same age as you? My own marriage went along pretty well until we hit year sixteen, then the bottom fell out. It was only through some seriously long months with a marriage counselor that we were able to become the adults we were meant to be. Better individuals, partners, and parents.

This kind of thing is difficult to make clear in an online forum situation.

Having the line of communication open is so important. If you can find some quiet time, lay out the basic ground rules (each of you have a chance to speak honestly and uninterrupted without being ridiculed or yelled at), and simply talk to each other.

I agree with the others that have talked about his possible feelings about being the one at home rather than providing...this has the potential to really chip away at a man's feelings of self-worth...no matter that what he is contributing is just as important. As SAHM's, many of us that participate here have struggled with this very same issue through the years.

Talk to him. Marriage is give and take. Each of you have opinions, views, goals, and dreams. There's no way to know if you're both looking in the same direction if you can't be open with each other. Sometimes it's messy.

When I think back to that awful time...the way I look at it now as we head for year twenty-one in February, we can overcome anything as long as we're working on it together.

Talk, talk, talk...until you're hoarse, then get a cough drop and talk some more. And don't be afraid to go and see someone else that can offer an unbiased viewpoint.

Well something is definately bothering him. I hate to say this but is it that maybe he is having an affair? i am not one of those ppl who think if a man changes he's having an affair but this time i do think that is a possibility. He may be finding every excuss to use on u. Like not helping out w/ the family. U have tried to talk to him & u get no response except he sees nothing wrong. if u have poured your heart out to him whats left? Maybe u can go to see somebody. Would he do that? Maybe he has alot on his mind? I really cant help u out but I do feel for u & i hope things work out but u have to be happy too. Just keep talking to him maybe eventually he will open up. Good luck & keep us posted.

I first want to say i hope everything gets better .2nd ive been through that and it didnt turn out good he filed for divorce called me at work saying i was cheating on him ..no way i was but ok...so be straight up and tell him your really upset by the way hes acting if he would tell you whats been going on maybe it would help for him to talk to you about it.I told me ex to be a man and tell me the truth about him cheating {in my case} and he left next week after that.I really hope you all work this out. Need to talk anytime im here H.

I think you are over reacting. And you probably aren't thinking at all about his feelings either, just concentrating on your own.

My heart goes out to you. I don't want to be the one to bring this up, but do you have any feeling in your gut that he may be cheating? I know that if my husband became that distant and unresponsive then I would be suspicious. Just consider it and watch for signs. I'm sure it's nothing like that, but sometimes we need to keep an open mind about the situation. I agree it's very important for the two of you to have some one on one time asap. If you think that you said something hurtful, then be the first to apologize. Hope things improve.

I suggest starting therapy. It's a safe way to communicate with a mediator. Good luck!