Common Sense - Kew Gardens,NY

To me common sense is dressing appropriately for the weather. Boots on in rain or snow, coat (jacket) buttoned or zipped when it's cold, not wearing a sweatshirt in hot weather etc. Also driving sensibily, eating healty food, not approaching an unknown animal even someon's pet.

But commons sense is not so common any more.

Remember the story about the man who died because he tied a bunch of plastic garbage bags to a resin chair, then tied himself to the chair and used a blow dryer to heat the air in the bags and floated up - up - up and fell out of the chair and died on impact. ------- REALLY did happen!!!!

People reading the newpaper while driving to work in the morning or doing their make-up or shaving.....

Common sense is not so common any more.

I don't see that as a difference in "common sense" per say... it's just a difference in perception and assumptions being made on your mother's part whether out of concern for your Uncle or just her wanting to voice an opinion.

For me common sense is more along the idea of if you are thirsty - well drink something. If you have a big pile of dirt it's much easier to use a big shovel to move it than a spoon. Very basic examples I know... but I'm thirsty right now and I have to go work my garden this weekend =)

Your example is more a matter of manners or etiquette than common sense, to me.
Did your Uncle invite you over? Did you call asking if it was a good time to come by?
Maybe your mom feels the way she feels because if you DID initiate the get together your uncle may have felt put on the spot and said "sure come on by" even if he would rather not have had company, especially if he was entertaining that night.
Could that be it?
I think if you wanted to see your uncle it would have made more "sense" and been better manners, to invite him over to YOUR place, at a time that was good for both of you.

I think common sense is a broader level thing.

We tend to "fine tune" common sense to our preferences and declare OUR "common" sense to be the norm.

I bet your mom imagines how tired she would be after all that cooking.
Your uncle obviously loves company and that's the REASON he is cooking.
He was fine with missing down time to enjoy your company.

They don't have common priorities. Common sense sometimes is disguised as mind reading and about as accurate.

That isn't an issue of common sense. Like OPO said it is a difference of opinion.

In my opinion common sense is a logical function. Dark alley, better chance of being mugged. Wet pavement, slow down. Snow is cold, sun is hot.

Oh, well that you went over there in the first place knowing your uncle cooks all day did lack common sense. There was a far greater chance he would have turned you away after you went over there. So perhaps she meant you could have wasted a trip.

Sort of the same thing as speeding in the snow. Sure you may get where you are going without having an accident but it still lacked common sense to do it in the first place.

It probably would have made more sense to call first. Now if you did call then it is back to the difference of opinion.

There's a difference between common sense & common courtesy.

Neither of which were involved with your uncle (unless you didn't ring first, or do the porch-shuffle "Dont want to impose, we were nearby so wanted to give you a hug and let you get back to things!" Or similar lets them hug and wave goodbye, or hug and invite in).

In your uncles case it's family politics & the opposite of common sense: as you have to LEARN that a person has a particular schedule in order to work around it.

Common Sense to not show up at dinner.
Learned to know dinner is at 10pm or that from x time to y time is a break between cooking part a and part b.

For me, common sense is thinking that certain situations have predictable outcomes.

For example, if you leave the house during rush hour to go somewhere, common sense will tell you to allot more time to get to your destination.

To me, that is a common sense situation. In your description, this is more of a case of perception. Common sense would factor in if you had said "well, we dropped by unannounced and he wasn't happy to see us", then yes, common sense would dictate that if you want to ensure someone is available, call ahead. That doesn't sound like the situation at all. So, to apply to it the label 'common sense'... well, to me, that really doesn't make much sense. :)

this is not common sense. It's common courtesy.

If you called your uncle asking what time would be the best time to come over for a visit and he said Sunday afternoon...then it's not a problem.

If you just showed up without calling? I call it rude. family or not. Rude.

If I'm understanding this correctly, I'm with mom. You should not have dropped in on your uncle knowing that he has elaborate dinners on Sundays. And yes, I would think common sense would dictate that you don't show up unannounced at someone's home for a lengthy visit when you know that they usually have plans on that particular day.

I also believe that your uncle was probably being polite in not asking you to leave.

I don't see how this difference of opinion constitutes an example of common sense or lack thereof.
To me common sense is calling to make sure someone is home before you drive 2 hours to their house.
Or making sure you have toll money.
Sorry--confused. But don't know how to answer your question.
Other than it takes common sense to gauge if your host is preoccupied, harried or too busy to visit?

There is no such thing as common sense - there is, rather, common perception and common experience that is perceived as "common knowledge" by those who share it.

Most people who say there is no common sense "these days" really mean, "Why don't more people share my experiences and perceptions that I believe to be the default?"

Only your uncle knows how he feels, but if you know him well enough to believe he would be forthright, then you are probably correct in this situation. I don't think it has anything to do with so-called common sense.

And if your uncle is your mother's little brother, it may have to do with a history of her asserting what his feelings are, when in fact, she hasn't asked and doesn't really know what he feels at all. Just a thought...

Not sure but your Uncle sounds wonderful!

My mom and I have differing ideas when it comes to common sense as well, so I can relate. My answer is usually some form of, "Hmmm, you might be right. Thanks mom." And then we move on to the next topic.

A response like that doesn't change your position, or hers...it just validates her idea and lets you get out of an argument unscathed.

You did not mention if your visit to your uncle was a surprise to him, or if you called him in advance and asked if you could come over. In my opinion, it is common sense to call someone in advance and ask if you can come over. If a friend or relative (especially relative) rang my doorbell and expected I welcome their unnanounced visit, I'd be pissed.

it's hard to answer this, because i don't think the situation posited here actually revolves around common sense.
it would be common sense for someone to go to my friend lettie's house when she's preparing for a big dinner because she cooks with flair and enormous joy and gusto and LOVES people in her kitchen while she works her alchemical magic, tasting and commenting and laughing. for her it's part of the delight of it all.
for me it would not be common sense, because i'm scattered and disorganized, and if people are talking to me when i'm trying to multi-task, everything goes to hell in a handbasket.
you don't say if your uncle invited you, or you called him, or just showed up. that's vital information in the 'common sense' equation.
i'll also add that while i'm an extremely forthright person, it would be hard to tell a beloved someone that they popped in at a bad time. if it were an impossible situation i'd do it, but i wouldn't like it, and i'd feel resentful for having been put in the position of having to do it. if, however, he invited you, or you are really sure he's so comfortable with you that he'd say 'not this afternoon, darlin'', then i see your point.
i apply common sense more to 'don't walk behind that horse you don't know' situations than the intricate dance of family politics.
khairete
S.

Does your mother often have opinions about other adult interactions that are none of her business?

That's not a lack of common sense.

That's judgmental, or critical and she needs to be happy you made an effort. Sheesh...
.

In the specific case, I think it depends a bit on whether you and DS dropped in unannounced.

Assuming that you asked uncle in advance if Sunday afternoon was OK to visit, and he said sure, I think mom was out of line. But that's not about common sense; it's about mom sticking her nose into your separate, adult interactions with another adult.

If you and son just dropped in unannounced, it's STILL out of line for mom to comment. Again, this is between you and uncle, and she's not there! But it's also quite possible that if you just turned up, uncle could have been just being polite while you were there, and you did throw off his schedule. Possibly enough that he mentioned it to your mom, who later mentioned it to you (though you don't say when she made her comments - before or after your visit, and she shouldn't have mentioned it at all). If his schedule was uber-crucial to him, he could have said so to you, but he also might have kindly figured that since he hadn't seen you in a while, hey, the schedule could wait!

Hmm... I think that maybe we don't have to apply the term "common sense" to everything. Points of view aren't necessarily about common sense. They can have to do with personality and temperment. Your uncle has a much more laid back temperment if he doesn't mind company before having a bunch of people over. OR it's because he's got this dinner party thing down to a tee and doesn't need to "think" it through.

If it were me? I'd prefer to not have company because I'd be trying to remember all the things I need to do and would have trouble doing that if someone came by...

However, I would not tell my company that they were imposing. I might put them to work, though...

So, according to how I think of this scenario with me, if I were considering this a common sense issue, I would agree with your mother. However, I don't consider this a common sense issue. I think it has so much more to do with personalities and the willingness of someone to accept a "change in plans" (like someone coming over at an inopportune time...)

This situation has nothing to do with common sense.

I agree with the others who say that this is not an issue of "common sense".

My grandmother and I bump heads, and she might do what your mother did. I would have just told her that I took care of what I needed to on my end and will deal with whatever the consequences. She comes from a different mindset on multiple issues, and our relationship is multi-layered. She is my elder, and I respect her as such; she is also a woman, and I see her as an individual citizen of the world and life...her dynamic with her elders and others, the environment she grew up in, the men in her life, her children, her outlook and health.... When she tries to push her ideals onto me, I sometimes just tell her that we are coming from two different places and have two different methods for addressing the issue, that one is right for me and the other is right for her. If she won't let it go, then I will sometimes go further and explain why our views are different and then tell her not to try to force her issues onto me, that the way I handle it is healthy for me.... We have a good relationship.

We don't always agree, and we don't always rush to the agree-to-disagree stage of the argument. Because I know her and get where she's coming from, I don't read any ill feelings into what she's saying to me, and I don't get angry with her. I get that I am simply going against HER grain, the grain that was formed long before I got here. It's not personal, and it's not an attack. Also, she feels good enough around me to express her true opinions, and I don't take that for granted. (You see, she doesn't speak from her heart and soul when her audience would be someone who doesn't necessarily have regard for her heart and soul.) I use this method of receiving with both my grandmothers. I get who they are and where they come from, and I believe that they see me, as well. When they try to tell me what to do, I don't feel threatened by it. Instead, I appreciate that they feel comfortable enough with me to open their hearts and share how they really feel about something. The ones who only experience their closed mouths don't get to enjoy the richness of what they have to offer to a relationship. Those people get to enjoy hearing their words bounce off the walls when they think that they're speaking to these women. That's how I approach it.

How do I handle a relationship with someone with such differing notions that contact between us keeps our heads spinning--or at least mine? I limit the contact. When we are in contact, I avoid passionate topics. My husband's SIL is the only person who comes to mind regarding that extreme. I refuse to have a private conversation with her because she will run back and report her version of events, and I don't trust her to relay the conversation accurately. I honestly don't trust her to even experience it as it actually occurs. I can radomly say the word "green" and she will swear that I called her a "purple bear". I can't talk to people like that, because we do not speak the same language. She and I can hear the same words and interpret them completely differently, and it creates drama that I am simply not willing to engage in.

There isn't an example of 'common sense' in this scenario as you've written it. Ether you or your mom could have potentially been right, and you were both working on assumptions about the thoughts of a third person.

After your mom gave her perspective, a reasonable action for you to take would have been to simply ask your uncle, "Is this a good time to visit?"

I think this is a difference of opinions regarding common "courtesy".

I would love it if people felt comfortable enough to drop in and say hello...even during a meal. My mother on the other hand wants a phone call days in advance and time to prepare. Then the whole time she is stressed and can't relax and enjoy the visit.(this is WITH family...friends need not come by at all)

I think cultures and simply personalities are just different. I should've been born in Italy or Hawaii....big gatherings all the time and lots of food for everyone. My personal heaven!!

It sounds like your uncle was thrilled to have you and your DS stop by. He hosts elaborate Sunday dinners so he is used to the hustle and bustle of a large crowd..."what is two more?" was what he was probably thinking. Don't worry about your mom....just take a mental note knowing she would like a heads up if you are planning to stop by. It is her transferring her own "common courtesy" rules on you.

Who cares what she thinks?

I don't mean to be rude, but you're a grown woman. She's entitled to her opinions on sunday visits, and you're entitled to yours. You don't need her permission or blessing to visit other people.

I wouldn't call this common sense - it strikes me as a MYOB issue. But that may just be me...