,College Kid Who Is Miserable

What is making her miserable? Is it the school itself, the program she's in, her living situation, specific people, being away from home? I think the cause(s) would affect my decision on this one.

On the other hand, a whole year of bad grades will be harder to recover from than one semester. Overall fit is important, and I know many students who have transfered between schools. Is it possible to transfer her to the local school, or will she have to wait until next fall? Does she expect to live at home then? I would look into and discuss all the possibilities.

When I was in college, my sister started, finished one semester and went back home. She worked for a year and saved her money and then started at a new school (totally different focus) the next fall. It all worked out well in the end.

Sounds like the school isn't a good fit for her. I would let her change schools at the end of the semester. As long as she stays in school, don't see the harm. If she is happier she will likely do better.

As a previous person questioned, I think it really depends on what is making her so unhappy at school. I absolutely hated college the first semester and wanted to quit, but when we realized it was because I didn't like my roommate, I got a new one and thoroughly enjoyed the last 3.5 years of college. If she loves her living situation, then is it the classes? Or is it that she misses her family? If she misses her family, try to go to see her more often or even use skype. I would try every avenue possible to see if she can stick it out there, but if it just doesn't look like it's going to work, then you have to let her move back closer to home.

I don't understand the dilemma. Bring her home. And please, don't consider this to be a failure. It isn't. She wants to be with her family. That is a blessed, wonderful thing. If you trust that she is old enough to go off to college away from your family, then trust that she is old enough to discern that she doesn't want to be there. People should be in families, not independently alone.

I think you should 1. start by sending her to the school's resources - her advisor, the counseling center, etc. It is not uncommon for a freshman to struggle, but there are also generally campus resources to catch these students.

Once she speaks to the counselor, she can evaluate her mental health. WHAT is she so unhappy about? If her roommate is making her miserable, there's an RA for that. I had to have an RA mediate between me and my frosh roommate.

Once she speaks to her advisor, she can evaluate her grades and should she withdraw altogether, withdraw from one class, speak to her professors, etc? If she wants to transfer, what are her next steps? You can't just show up on campus saying, "Hey, take me in! Take all my credits!" Help her work through the steps. It's hard to be on your own for the first time, but try not to be reactionary.

Remind her to bear in mind that Thanksgiving is soon. Maybe instead of working through the whole year, make a plan for this semester.

I had a terrible first semester sophomore year. My uncle died. Mom said if I came home, I'd need to work and pay rent. I talked to my professor and my advisor. In the end, I dropped a class and took just 12 credits and made it through. There are options.

Further, is there something about the school locally that would be a better fit or is she just looking for something close to home and would it be more of the same, ultimately? She shouldn't just say I want to go to State School unless it's really a good choice for her. She has to get to the bottom of what's going on. Going home with no plan just packs a bag for problems to follow.

Let her come home.

This was me 25 years ago. I was SO in over my head at my first college and my grades reflected it. I found a BIG school was NOT for me. I wasn't a fan of living back with my parents but they cut me some slack since I was incredibly resonsible and got a job, paid my car insurance and went back to school near home.

Let her come home. She will just be more miserable and make worse grades.
She wasn't ready to leave.
Why do we have to push our kids out the door so fast?
Let her come home, go to college if that is what she wants, and get a job. Build up her self esteem and give her a good dose of lovin'.
She will eventually leave and live on her own.

Most colleges have free counseling centers, she needs to sit down with someone and start talking about what's going on. Is it social? Academic? Depression? All of the above? Someone in the system can help point her in the right direction (groups that she's interested in, etc) and get her some support. I'd say get some immediate support at school, then have the christmas break as a target for really hashing out her options.

I think if she is really that unhappy then let her transfer. Going away to college is not for every kid (young adult). My stepson started at a really great college and was so unhappy that his dad let him transfer, he did not stay on campus he was commuting.

A couple of my husband's siblings were that way. They switched schools and were fine. I never really knew exactly what the problem was but the change really helped and they both ended up with a bachelors degree. Some schools are better than others and the environment alone can stress someone out. Both siblings left in the middle of their first semester just like your daughter and both were miserable and unhappy!! But changing schools made all the difference in the world. I thought maybe it was because it was their first time away from home but they both went to different schools out of state. Good luck! I hope that helps.

If she wants to come home, let her come home and attend the local school.
"Going away" to college and living on one's own right out of high school is not for everyone - and there's nothing wrong with that.
I decided at orientation for the original college I was going to go to, that I'd rather just stay home with my parents and attend community college for the first 2 years.
It was just my personality, I didn't like the much bigger city that the other school was in, all my friends were back home, my part time job that I loved, everything.
So I stayed home for two years and then was really and truly READY to leave home, and at that point I transferred to a more distant school and lived on my own, and it was great. It all worked out.
You're over-thinking this. Let her come home.

My sister in law did this. She was a surprise, late in life baby, and her dad died when she was in Middle School, so she is really close with her mom. She absolutely hated the school she originally chose, so she switched to the one closer to home for second semester. She graduated high school 2 years ago, and will be graduating college this May with her teaching degree. Obviously, she is a huge overachiever, but I honestly believe that if she had stuck it out with her first choice school, she would still be miserable.

If she can transfer, I would just go ahead and do it for the next semester, she won't be able to transfer successfully at this time of year. Help her stick it out for the next month.

I agree with AV's advice. Try to get to the bottom of what's bothering her first. Maybe you could go visit and stay with her one weekend, just hang out, walk around the campus and have her show you around. Also, the counseling on campuses can be very helpful. For me, personally, I'd probably be a little less willing to let her come home, and I would try to do what I could to help her stick it out until the summer. But, if there's no other way, I think that there should definitely be a plan in place before she comes home. What are the living arrangements going to be? Will she need a job, need to pay some bills, etc? Without a plan, it will be hard to get going again. My brother had a difficult time in school, so my mom just told him to come home. He did, and they battled every single day for him to do some chores, get a job, pay some bills, and eventually move out on his own. There should be an understanding of what will happen. Transferring isn't a bad option, but that takes planning too. Try to talk it out with her. If she's willing to put in the work somewhere else, then she'll definitely thrive.

That sounds like me. I wasn't emotionally ready to be three hours away from home. I wish my parents had listened to me. I did end up transferring to a school closer to home after completing two years at the school where I had been so miserable. I was a straight A in highschool and very shy. I never had a boyfriend and didn't make friends easily. I wound up making some really bad choices at the first college just to fit in and try to make things work out. I now regret those choices to this day and it has been nearly 20 years! Let her move to the school closer to home next semester!

When I was in my first semester of my freshman year, I too was having a rough time adjusting. All I wanted to do was go home. Someone sat me down, though, and asked me what I really missed about home. All the things I could come up with were really lame. I was probably a lot like your daughter... VERY active/involved in my high school, top of my class, etc. Going to college was a BIG change and the things I really missed were mostly things about high school. The friend pointed out that, if I went home, none of the things I was really missing would be the same. I was no longer in high school, most of my friends had left home, too, etc. They went on to say point out that I was in a new phase in life and the quicker I got on board with that, the happier I would be. And you know what? He was exactly right. That was one of the best pieces of advice anyone has ever given me.

See if she can finish out the semester and then let her come home. I really think that many 18 year olds aren't ready to go away to college. Possibly by the end of the semester she will be okay, or maybe not. If her grades are to far gone to pull back, then bring her home now.

I am trying to think if she is doomed yet. Is there anyone you know that has a child at the same school? Somehow she has fallen though the cracks.

When my daughter was a freshmen she was the one dragging everyone into her world, I never had this issue. I do know she was there dragging everyone along so there are kids like that out there. Her junior and senior year she was part of a group that does nothing but find the unhappy kids. Okay they organize events too.

I refuse to believe there is a college out there that doesn't have this support system. Call the school, tell them what is going on. If you are paying anything near what we are they better listen to you.

If you want to PM me where she is going I will contact Christine and see if she has a friend at that school that can find out what is there. Mind you she is a senior so I don't think her friends could directly help you but they should know where the resources are.

I was lucky my daughters first semester the worst problem was the school didn't challenge her so she did her work, honed her bartering skills on Canal St and transferred to Xavier in the spring. :) Oh my god, transferring after one semester is a nightmare. If it comes to that you need to PM me!!! Oy!

let her come home. In our circle of fam/friends, we have many, many young adults who've choked at the end of their college years....simply because they were so miserable & unhappy that they couldn't finish. This is particularly true when the career choice has been chosen by the parents & not the student.

With the handful of students who actually came home, they excelled at the local schools....some living at home, some not. Hope this helps....

You have got to find out why she is miserable. There's no shame in switching schools, coming home, etc., but if you don't know why she's miserable, you won't be able to avoid it in the future. She might be miserable at the local school if you don't get to the root of the problem.

I'm so sorry. Is she in a large university? Sometimes, kids need a smaller atmosphere to find friends and make a "home" for themselves. I would let her come home and transfer. It is WONDERFUL that she doesn't want to quit school altogether.

I have a son in his freshman year who is very happy at his small college outside of Dallas. Everyone there is SO nice, SO friendly, including the faculty and staff. I knew when I took him, why he liked it so much. Why he chose it over all the others. We did not feel that he would be happy at a large school, and he didn't either. One of the things we sincerely wanted to do, when researching schools with him, was to find the right "fit". We are so lucky here in the US, that there are so very many choices when it comes to being educated. I believe that there is literally a college for anyone who wants an education after high school. And there are terrific community colleges where a kid who is not ready to leave home can get an associates degree.

I highly recommend that you read the book "Colleges That Change Lives" by Loren Pope, updated version. Read it with your daughter. Even if she is not interested in any of the schools, she can learn a lot about what to look for in a school. She will also see that she isn't alone in feeling that she is in the wrong place. It is very important that she find a "fit" in school so that she can find happiness. Kids who are miserable where they go to school can end up in deep depression - those kids can end up hurting themselves, and you don't want to travel anywhere near that path.

Go down to the school and talk to the registrar. Ask what you and she can do to help her. She can possibly drop her classes without her bad grades affecting her and withdraw.

Were there other schools that accepted her? Are they smaller schools? Perhaps they have a totally different "feel" and she could start in January. It's a thought.

Look, colleges see this kind of thing. Your daughter is not an unusual circumstance. They understand.

PM me if you want anymore info - I don't know if I can help, but I would certainly be happy to try.

Dawn

Has she spoken with her adviser at school? They will want o know about this and help her or at least find some sort of help for her. Call the administration office and explain what is going on.

That is the first step, then see if you all can figure out exactly what the problem is.. My husband attended a huge college his freshman year, he felt completely overwhelmed and lost. He just shut down. He regrets that he did not try to transfer at the end of the first semester to a smaller college.

He says he did not realize how huge his classes would be he was just overwhlemed. .

Just because the school is great, doesn't mean it's the right fit for her. I LOVED college and rarely went home- my mom would basically threaten me if I didn't come home some weekends!

Try to get to the bottom of WHY she is so unhappy. Does she not like the people, are the classes hard, does she enjoy the learning process, but hate the classes she is taking? That can help narrow down the issue.

College is not for everyone and maybe she needs to take a year off from school and discover what it is she wants to do. Priorities change over time. What she wants to do now may not be an option in 15 years (this happened to me) and she may want/need to go back to school then.

Let her come home and have a real talk with her and try to get to the bottom of the situation. She may be too close to it to be objective about it at this point.

Good Luck.

Please find out more about what is going on but please listen and believe. I have not been in college for a very long time. I started my freshman year in 74 and had a horrible first semester. However my parents listened to me and went to a 2 year community college, graduated and then went to a 4 year college. My first college had kids smoking weed and other weird things. Needless to say I was a mess. I commuted to college with my mom, dropping her off at her job and then continued to college. I would take my classes and then return to the town my mom worked in and sit in the drug store eating a burger doing homework or sit in front of my mom job in the car doing my homework. I could not stand to stay on that campus. Just image if you had to stay on campus. Please listen to her reasons.

I would also have to disagree with letting her transfer now. I was her when I was a college freshman. I went to school far away from home and it is hard for some people to be away that first semester.

I was always begging to come home and was determined that I was going to transfer at the semester break. I never went out and stayed in my dorm room all the time. Later I learned that my unhappiness was my own fault. I had decided that I wanted to be close to home so I wasn't going to do anything that would make me want to be there. When we found out how much it would cost to get out of my dorm contract I had signed for the year I decided to stick it out for the entire school year. Which ended up being the best decision I've ever made. The next semester I got a new roommate and a girl transferred to the school and lived next door. We all became great friends and that was exactly what I needed. Also once I went home at Christmas break I realized how great it was to have my independence and be on my own.

I went on to stay and graduate from there even going to school over the summer because I was having so much fun and didn't want to leave. For some people it is just harder to be away from home that first time. I know that is exactly how I was. But once I involved myself and developed a couple of close friendships I was great. My mom also didn't get bummed with me when I called, but kept trying to point out all the positive things about being there.

I'm a better person now because I stuck it out.

I would think she could do her basics at a nearby Jr. College. I did that and my grades were so good I got a full scholarship to OU. I hated every minute I was on that campus and at Christmas I transferred to OSU. I loved Stillwater and had a phenomenal time there.

I have a different view of this, and unless she is seriously depressed, I would encourage her to stick it out.
I was the same way--I think most kids get that "homesick" "everything's different" "I have to do everything for myself" gut wrenching feeling.
They get over it. I did.

I'm sorry, that makes me very sad for you. WHY is she unhappy? Is she merely homesick or is she hating her roommates or is she having trouble making friends or is she missing a boyfriend or is she not liking the classes? It sounds like you need to get to the root of the problem to figure out how to help.

I don't know your child or how desperate the situation is. But I am of the opinion that she needs to stick out the semester or the year. She made a committment, and assumning she isn't mentally unstable or in danger of some kind, then I think she needs to fulfill her responsibilities, especially if you are footing the bill but not solely because of that. She also needs to take some responsibility for coming up with and carrying out a plan - apply to another school, plan for where to live or how to make money, etc.

She is an adult, and while she may not be mature enought to be away, and I am not encouraging you to throw her out... I think this shouldn't be made easy for her either. She needs to take ownership of fixing the situaiton, with your support of course.

Speaking of someone who had a great college experience, every bit of me wants you to tell her to stick it out. But perhaps it is a bad fit. Can you visit her and try to come up with a plan - see a therapist, see a guidance counselor, visit the career center, etc. Also remind her that if she comes home, it will not be like before... she will have different responsibilities and rules and her friends are likely to have moved on too. She may miss high school, but she has to have reasonable expectations of what coming home would really look like.

So, ultimatlely, I don't think you should tell her No. She's your baby after all. But this shouldn't be easy on her either. It is a pretty major life choice.

You have had many good answers, but I'll throw mine in as well. My 3 are grown now, and my youngest was also miserable his first year. He never had trouble making friends, but for some reason didn't click at that school. He transferred to another school closer and was so much happier, graduating with great grades. When your child is miserable, you also are miserable. Let her transfer. I think it may be too late to withdraw, since finals are in a month, but you could ask. If she knows that she only has another month before she can come home her attitude should change, and she might be able to pull up her grades for this semester.

I HATED the school I went away to. I came home, finished my degree online, and am thrilled with my experience. Granted I also started my family a little young, but I wouldn't change a minute of any of it. If she is miserable, maybe she needs to look at other colleges or she could even do the online thing like I did.

if she can transfer i would let her. her grades are suffering from it. so allowing her to transfer only if her grades are kept up. please tell her i always wished i could have gone to college and regret not going. it is very important that she keep up with it.

This sounds exactly like my freshman year. I hated the adjustment, wasn't happy away from home, and didn't like the school I chose. I ended up transferring closer to home (which wasn't a good thing) and going to a smaller college in my hometown. Looking back, I wish I would have stuck it out, I feel I didn't really get the college experience going to such a small school and not living on campus. I'm currently 28 and a semester away from a Master's, so I clearly turned out ok, but college was a bumpy road for me. Does she know what she wants to major in? It was easier once I had a clear goal, and something to work toward. See if her school offers on campus counseling for students having trouble adjusting. While what you are telling her about the first year being the hardest is true, it doesn't help to hear it when you are so miserable. People would say college is the best time of your life...and it would just make me feel more alone. Is she making friends? It's hard to get involved and meet people if you are so unhappy, but it would help in the long run. I would strongly suggest counseling. That, and support from you, can get her through this time!

I know you've received a great number of good answers already, but I thought I would throw my 2 cents in as well, being the mom of a daughter who is a junior in college. Her first year was miserable - she was unhappy, I was unhappy! She called me every day in tears. She tried everything, and I mean everything, she could think of to improve her situation. This was her "dream school" and she was determined to make it work. By the time spring semester rolled around, she was filling out transfer applications to other schools that had accepted her the first time around. Then came the turning point - she decided to join a sorority, and lo and behold, the whole college experience started to turn around for her. Since that time, she has really enjoyed her time there and is so happy she decided to stick it out. I gave her every opportunity to leave and come home, take some time off, etc., but in the end I understood her need to stay and try to improve the situation on her own. The big difference between your situation and mine, as I see it, is that your daughter very much wants to come home - mine never did, she really wanted to be away, despite all the problems. I think you need to listen to your daughter and let her come home when the semester is over. She seems to be clear on what she wants, and if you are comfortable with that decision, I would certainly follow her lead and cut your losses while still early in her college career. She will probably do much better academically if she is happy with her living situation. Best of luck!

My college sophomore was NOT happy last year at a Big 12 school. We talked a lot, and I always tried to shift the focus off of how unhappy he was to
1) what exactly the problem was and 2) how do we fix it so that we can last thru the first yr.

I am going to disagree with the moms who said let her transfer now. First of all, transferring colleges part way thru the yr is very, very tough and is not like changing your middle school. Second, her next school may wonder why she gave up in the first semester and that will affect her chances of switching this yr.

It's better to figure out what is going on and try to solve it this year. It's good for her coping skills (those life lessons) and teaches her that some things you just can't quit and leave right away. (kind of like your first job.)

If she is in a dorm, encourage her to go talk to her RA. RA's are trained in how to help freshman make the adjustment to college and living away.
Maybe she needs to get involved in a club or organization?
Encourage her to go the Student Center and look for announcements/ flyers for clubs, sports, etc.... I hear once that 70 % of unhappy college freshman only had their studies to occupy them....they were not in any club or organizations.
She can go to the Rec Center / the gym for a work-out or join a fitness class. This really helps relieve stress and release endorphins, so she'll feel better about herself and her situation.
She can talk to her Academic Advisor or someone in the Health Center's counseling dept. At my son's school, they have small groups of kids that meet with a counselor once a week. They call it a "Transition Group." Kids who need to meet for a month or so to help learn tools to give them a happier transition.

I will conclude my novel: (sorry so long, but this is all the stuff we went thru last year)
Lastly, try to be a little sympathetic when she calls and complains, but watch how much. I listened to my son when he called to complain but tried not to get super bummed with him. It only made him call and complain more when we both were emotionally involved in his foul mood.
I would listen a bit, ask him what was creating the problem and calmly and very upbeat, ask what one thing could he try this weekend, or in the next 3 days, etc...that would help change the situation.

Good luck. Hang in there. My son is back at the same school this year, changed to a better, more active dorm this year, is more comfortable talking to professors and TA's when he has questions and is involved in 2 organizations. It does get better!!!

I agree with others, if she can transfer, then let her. She is an adult and if she is not happy where she is then she should have the right to choose where she wants to be. If being closer to home will make her happy then do it. There will be plenty of time for her to branch out and move on when she is a bit older.

Please consider withdrawing her from college. You should be able to do this and it will not affect her record. It is better to withdraw rather than try to continue the semester with bad grades and fail. Check with college. Good Luck!.

Most kids don't know what they want to 'be' in the beginning anyhow so I would think she would be better off coming home, deciding what she likes to do an how hard she wants to work at getting education for that or maybe she'll find something she likes without college. It happens sometimes. There's always next year to go back.

How far away does she live from you now?

It's hard being away from home, at any age. Poor thing :(

I would start sending her a lot more care packages, maybe once a week with just some special favorites of hers, like cookies, and snacks, lots of pictures of you two so that she can look at them when she is lonely.
Have her visit every weekend and make it special for her when she does, like go out with just you two and so then during the week she has something to look forward to and that will help too.

Maybe she needs to branch out and find some more activities and friends to help occupy her free time so that she is busy and not thinking of home and missing you so much.

It's hard but maybe sticking it out is best for a little while and trying new things to help first before transferring. She might miss out on a lot of things if she comes back home so soon. There are so many things to learn and do when you are on your own in college and by sticking it out she might realize how fun it really can be.

Tell her to hang in there, and things will get better, and to keep her chin up!

I would let her sign up for next semester at the new school and NOT tell them she attended there so she gets a really fresh start. I adjusted to college in six weeks so maybe that school is not right for her. If it is UT or A and M, it might be too big. momofmany said it best

How about waiting until the Christmas break and have a long talk with her.
Usually college kids are home for a month then. That is still a month away
and things may change. Was she a homebody before she went to school?
Is there one thing in particular that has her upset or is it just being away.
My friends daughter was hysterical the first few months, but Dad put his
foot down and said she had to at least give it the first semester and maybe
then some. Guess what she adjusted and did very well. Sometimes time
is all that is needed.

Its possible that she isnt USED to studying if it came easy to her. my boyfriends sisters freshman year was HARD on her, but it was her dream school and her classes were harder then what she was used to because it all came easy to her, and her room mate wasnt the easiest person for her to get along with. you cant stop her from coming home but if she did i wouldnt let her live there for free per say, i would make sure she did her chores and helped out in SOMEWAY instead of it being a free ride at home. Id just tell her to women up and stick it out, if its her room mate talk to her RA if its her classes have her talk to her adviser,

Hi S.,

I have a couple of questions. Is it really the school that she is upset about or is there something else she isn't telling you? I agree with other mom's that for some kids that have an easy time in high school going to college could be a shock if they aren't used to studying the way that college/universities require. Perhaps making a visit or a couple of visits to really find out what is going on would help. If she needs a tutor to help her with her school work get her one, if it is the living situation she is in then see what can be done. I would hate for her to come home and feel like she couldn't make it at the school she chose to go. Also, if she is really miserable to the point of anxiety, depression etc. check into that too and perhaps it would be a good idea to return home. My neighbor has a son in college who has the worst roommate that drives him nuts. The kid was spending more time away from his room to stay away from the roommate. His grades suffered. He wanted to come home but his parents went up there and realized that the other thing there son needed was friends. They reached out to the school which has all kinds of programs. Their son plays the violin so they found that there was a school ensemble that got together to just play. Their son joined and made new friends and his experience at school was more tolerable and he had other people to talk to with common interests. Next semsester he will leave his roommate situation and move into an apartment with a friend. He is now having a great time at school. I think if it was me, I would take a trip to find out what's what. Good luck!

Has she spoken to an advisor and/or a counselor at school? College will WANT to keep her and her money there. They will want to help her to be happy on campus. Please tell her to speak with her advisor. If her grades are poor, it will be difficult to transfer to another school. Any college she applies to will have a minimum GPA to get in, and there aren't many transfer slots available. It would be better for her to get her grades back up and then transfer another semester. But the key really is for her to get help on campus and only she can do that.

I urge you to listen to her. This is not to be taken lightly. For an extremely depressed young person sticking it out for the rest of the year seems like a lifetime. She is homesick, out of her element and does not feel supportive. Not only are poor grades a clue, but she is out and out telling you that this isn't right for her. Grab onto her and hold her tight. There are a lot of schools out there and she is not a failure if this one isn't the right one.

Both myself, my husband, and my four brothers were miserable away at college. It's not for everyone. Please let her transfer. It's more important to allow her to focus on her education than dealing with homesickness.

It would be easier if you explained in greater detail. Is she unhappy because she misses home and her friends or because she doesn't like her classes or her dorm room? If she's lonely you could try to host a pizza party for her dorm. Either go there and get some frozen pizzas and soda or have them delivered. Most dorms have a community kitchen or common room. Tell her to invite everyone in the dorm. She needs to make friends.

Where is she at? There ARE a lot of good schools in San Antonio, so perhaps she could come home? Why's she so upset? Can you go there and spend a week with her helping her find her niche? A lot of schools have a special day where all the school's organizations set up booths so you can find a group that you'd like to join (At A&M, this day was called MSC Open House I think. I joined Roadrunners - a running group and another group for gaming. Helped me meet new people and open up a little. Ended up having a roommate my sophomore year that I met in one of said groups.) If she doesn't know what to do - have her go to one of the local bars that plays music and just sit there and enjoy the music. Likely someone will befriend her or talk to her. I dunno. It's hard to say when we don't know WHY she hates it so much.

Can she transfer to a college near home where she could live at home for a semester (or two)? That has worked for friends of mine in the same position, and it worked out great. Their daughter is now a senior at a great school, and has been living on her own for 1 and 1/2 years..