Co-parenting Help for a Tween Boy

If he's getting child support let him know that money is for his part of his bills, like to pay for the electricity he uses for his phone and computers and stuff if he has those things. That's it's to buy extras like food and milk and paper towels and toilet paper so he'll have those things to use.

But it's also supposed to be for some things he just wants. Not all the money has to go for needs.

Let him know that money is put there to cover those needs and if he wants more he needs to talk to mom. That's what I would say.

The issues with buying cloths and shoes confuses me. Why would he only wear shoes you buy him for those 4 days? Is he not allowed to bring clothing and shoes back and forth between the two houses? I also don't understand why you would feel you need to buy equal amounts of clothing for all the kids when he has two parents buying his stuff. I think you are way over thinking this, and that maybe, in a way, you are trying to punish mom for moving away but it ends up coming out on the child. Be mindful of that.

From what my friends tell me, this is mainly a problem if the siblings who live at the house full time have a ton of stuff and don't share. So it's like the kid visiting a friend, the friend has a ton of games, etc. but hogs it and doesn't let friend play.

So just as long as your step son has enough to do (just replenish at birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc.) and he could do chores to get something new (like raking, etc.) - I'm sure that would be enough. He obviously doesn't need a whole set at your house as well - I'm sure he would understand that at age 11. And I wouldn't bring it up unless he complains to his dad.

As for clothes, same. But as long as he has a few new things once in a while and clothes that fit, that's all that matters to (most) boys at that age.

But the "why do they have so much stuff" is more about feeling like they don't belong sometimes. Like it's more their house than mine ... (or so my friends tell me). So other ways to make him feel as included.

Good luck :)

I suggest that you don't "try to explain it" but rather get him things that he needs/wants without making it a "for at our house" type of thing. He still needs things regardless of which home he's at....just remind him "hey, don't forget that you'll need to bring it back with you when you come since we aren't having you keep it here". It's for him, not for your house.

I don't think you have to explain anything unless asked.
Ok so it sounds like dad, and maybe you, had full custody until recently...maybe? but now he's with mom full time? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't expect he and his siblings to have the same amount. I don't mean this ugly at all but why would he have the same amount? He's barely there . I don't know. My son is with me full time, goes to his dad's four nights/month. I HIGHLY doubt he has a closet full of clothes, a million movies & toys and everything else. Again, I don't mean this mean, but why would he? That's not his permanent home (fr what I'm gathering but maybe I misunderstood). Your step son actually doesn't sound like the type of boy to ask since you said he rarely asks for things anyway. That's just my thoughts on it. Good luck with everything. :)

Why exactly do you have to explain? Seems to me this is more about stirring things up than a needed explanation. Oh sorry hun, we would buy you more but you play sports and your mom took you away from here? No upside to that, sorry.

If he doesn't ask for much why would you start saying no to the one or two things he still asks for?

My ex lives a little over a mile from my house. As long as there is internet and food they really don't care what he has there for the four days a month they are there.

Do you need to explain? Has he asked? I think it's great that you have stuff to keep at your house so that he doesn't have to feel like he's a visitor coming with a suitcase every time he's with you. But, I agree that he doesn't need 8 pairs of pants at your house if the longest he stays is 2 days in row during the school year. Kids at this age grow so fast, I think it's more important to keep up with his size so that he has clothes that fit.

I think that in the summer, when he spends a month or more with you, you need to have more clothes for him. But during the school year, really just a few things that he likes and that fit him - with enough variety to account for any weather - is enough.

If he hasn't asked, you don't need to say anything. Because he's only there 4 days a month, I doubt he'll ask. He has enough at your house. He comes to your house clothed. Why would he even need one extra pair at your house. Continue to love him. Having things is not love. Having the same number of things is not necessary. That doesn't prove love.

I'm not clear what the question is. You indicate he moved when he was small. Is the difference that now he has younger siblings? If he has less he needs to keep at your home, then he has less you need to buy. If it's a matter of $, my stepson understood that his video games cost more than his sister's dolls, so he got fewer physical items, but the same $ value. He's 11 - if he's brought it up ( who mentioned this - him? His mom? Your DH?) then you can say that since they are here all the time, and this is their only home (yes?) all of their things are here, vs some things being in another house. Further, if he doesn't need shoes or clothes JUST for your home, then he can pack a small bag and bring what he doesn't already have. I'd keep some basics at your house and encourage him to bring what he wants or needs. My sks lived here most of the time. Most of their stuff was here. In the summer, they took almost all of it to their mother's house and then left just basics here, bringing what they needed on our weekends. And/or if he has a need, like shoes, why keep them just in your house? If you want to buy shoes, let him take them with him. He's 11 and if he forgets them then he'll make do with what he has brought/what you have there.

It might also be good for you and your DH to think about ways he in particular can support his son (maybe going to major games) instead of just not seeing him that weekend. My sks' BM punished her son for choosing sports and wouldn't see him for months. It really made SS sad. That would be more valuable than things.

If you want to successfully co-parent, you have to stop assigning blame and keeping score. It is natural for tween age and up to start spending more time in sports or other activities with their peers. This a normal and age-appropriate, and has nothing at all to do with location, divorce, his relationship with his dad, or that his mother moved.

As for buying stuff, as long as his needs are being provided I don't see a problem. I wonder if you're not overbuying in general though. I mean, my kids don't have 5 pairs of shoes each all at the same time and they are here 365 days. The other kids probably don't need as much as you buy for them either, so you might want to scale back as a household-wide change.

A child can only wear one pair of pants, shoes and shirt at a time. If he is a bit short on clothes at your home it is because he is growing and he does not reside there daily.

Try to get his sizes and write them down so that you have an idea of what he might/may need. As another poster pointed out, this is the time when boys start to grow in bounds and leaps. If you have too many pants he will end of like Michael Jackson with high waters and look funny with his socks showing. Just an example. You have him for four days a month, make the best of them. If you see him looking a bit tight buy him something then. No need to get the whole store.

Love him with hugs and kisses not clothes and things. Make him feel like he IS part of your home. You only have seven years left and he will be out on his own. Make those years count for something more than how much he doesn't have compared to his siblings that reside in your home. Keep his room fresh and cheery and inviting.

the other S.

PS Perhaps his dad was not the person he is now and that is why she moved away. We won't go there nor should you. Just love him as your own and that's it. Treat him the same way with love and hugs.

It's not a matter of wear and tear on what he wears - it's whether stuff fits him.
At 11 he's growing and he's going to have some rapid growth spurts and one month his shoes will fit and next month they won't - and when they no longer fit he needs a new pair of shoes regardless of how many days you think he will wear them.
Stuff he out grows will make for some great hand me downs to younger brothers.
As he gets into middle school and high school you may not see him much during the school year but maybe he can spend his whole summer at your house.
Co parenting with this distance is hard but at least he doesn't have to be on a plane to travel back and forth.

My kids go to their dads every other weekend, so basically 4 days of the month. They have just the "basics", if even, at his house.

They are teens so they don't have "toys". They take their phones and tablets (that we pay for) to his house on their weekends and that's it. The clothes they wear there is what they wear home. If they go on a trip with them, *I* have to send along a jacket because they only have a hoodie there. But they "get" why they don't have as much there as they do here. And frankly, their dad just doesn't care.

I would just talk to him about it. And you admit that he doesn't ask for much so when he does, get it for him so he can enjoy it when he is at your house. I understand that he doesn't need 5 pairs of shoes at your house but he also shouldn't have just ONE pair. I think it's nice for everyone to be able to wake up in the morning and have a choice of what you are going to wear that day. It sounds like you are aware of this and if YOU are just worried then explain to him that the kids that live there full time of course would have more than him, just like he has a lot in his room at his moms house. Good luck.

Poor kid, why "punish" him? Give him what he needs while he is there. Notice I said needs, not wants,
And don't blame his mother, even if she is a mess.
Clearly his father LET HIM GO if he didn't go to court and insist on keeping him within a certain distance when he was little. ALL responsible dads do this. They NEVER let their kids go THREE HOURS AWAY.
I just don't understand why he would have "less" at your house, it doesn't make sense :-(

The situation is totally different. Is he asking why he doesn't have as much stuff or are you just feeling guilty? He sounds dearly loved and I'm sure he knows it. No worries.

i'm not sure i see a problem. has he expressed dissatisfaction or are you just being a little obsessive over a non-existent issue of fairness?

how much 'stuff' do your kids have? is it really necessary that they all have the same piles of stuff? is his pile of stuff so glaringly smaller that it's painfully obvious?

since he doesn't live there i doubt he has unrealistic expectations. if your other kids aren't pointing it out to him or gloating that he has less stuff, why would this even come up?

i don't see why he'd need clothes or shoes just for your house, that stay there when he doesn't. i mean, don't you just buy him a pair of shoes if he needs 'em and then he takes them home with him?

why would it matter where his mother lives?
looks to me as if you're just looking for trouble.
khairete
S.

He has a 'main' house/room at his mothers with the bulk of all his stuff. Does he bring his regular clothes when he visits for a couple of days, or are you expected by the courts to have him show up with a shirt on his back and nothing else? I have heard of these crazy families who say "I bought the jacket, so they stay at my house."

It sounds like he does have enough pairs of shoes, yet not all at your house. Why should he have twice as much? An 11 year old can understand that is wasteful. Assuming your husband is paying for half of his belongings via child support, I would not worry.

Non divorced families do not keep score like this. My daughter has 25 pairs of shoes (a lot of hand me downs from friends that are special occasion) and my son has 3 pairs that fit him right now.

Any child will have less stuff as they get older, once they hit the teen years they don't really want to play with toys (except for gaming, Xbox, PS, etc.).

This is a part of living in two separate homes. My step kids always had things at our house and their mothers house. Even when we moved to FL, my step daughter still has stuff in her own room here. Now that she is 16, she doesn't have much here and prefers to bring things back and fourth (clothes, computer, books).

The only time "stuff" has been an issue is when my daughter was young. My step kids thought she had a lot of toys, but my mother in law reminded them of the big age gap between them and that they had just as many toys when they were young.

I think the most important thing is that your step son always knows that he is welcome there and that is also his home. You don't need to live close to be a part of his life, you just need to be involved.

I'm not sure I understand why he would have less than his siblings at your house. I would hope you are meeting all his needs when he is in your care. If you don't want to punish him for an issue his mother created then don't. You have limited time with him so cram in all the love you can when he is with you.

Unless he is asking specific questions I would leave it alone. We have less for my stepdaughter than she has at her mother's which is a function of her spending less time at our home not that we love her less. When she does spend time with us and she needs something, she gets it without question. For instance when we took the kids to a water park this summer, we got everyone water shoes and a water shirt for the trip. Likewise if we treat one kid to a toy, then they all get a toy. She has never questioned it and she’s almost 12. She knows we love her by how we treat her not by what we give her. Good luck.

Does he ask why he doesn't have as much stuff there? I would think that by his age, he could figure that out on his own. I don't see the issue with just telling him (if he even asks) that he has less stuff because he's not there that much. Pretty much explain it to him like you wrote it in the post. He's old enough to understand.