Classroom Favoritism Help

How old is Sam? What are the snide comments? When you say things like "kiss ups and past that" it leads me to think he has heard those terms elsewhere. A younger elementary student would not be saying things like that.

Keep in mind that you are hearing HIS side of the story and HIS perception.

I am in the classroom a LOT and I know there are students who love to help and thrive on the adult attention. Most teachers notice the students who need this and they also try to spread things out so each child feels involved.

IF you go to the teacher, I would not go in to speak in a confrontational way. I would go in to see how I as a parent could help Sam in class. His grades have not been affected so academically there seems to be no issue.

Maybe he is super sensitive to general remarks. I am making my statement based on my opinion of what you posted. My opinion could possible change depending on what the snide remarks are and IF they are specifically directed at Sam.

Keep in mind that you only have the child's side of the story here before you go accusing the teacher of anything such as snide comments. Do you think this teacher is really picking on your kid or do you think maybe he is being overly sensitive about not being the favorite this year (in his perception anyways)? If his grades are not being affected I would let this one go.

"A teacher that my friends have nothing but kind words about." What in the world do your adult friends' opinions of Sam's teacher have to do with anything...?!

How old is Sam? What sorts of "snide comments" is he upset about?

when you say favoritism it almost seems as if you and sam expect that HE should be the favorite and are both a little put out that he's not.

good for you for picking up on sam's tendency to be a pleaser. i was the same sort of student. i get it.

but that doesn't mean that sam's perception is correct. the very fact that he's referring to other kids as kiss-ups suggests to me that when HE was the favorite, that's the epithet that got thrown at him.

but then right in the same paragraph where you wisely acknowledge sam's need for approval, you refer to the teacher's 'snide comments.' have you heard these snide comments? i'm betting you haven't. my guess is that you're buying into sam's (naturally prejudiced) version wholesale.

i don't agree with just leaving it, or having a conference if your reason for having a conference is to straighten out the teacher. i'd be very very concerned if one of my bright kids were sinking academically because he wasn't getting enough praise and adulation from the teacher. i'd refocus my parenting efforts on getting him confident and self-motivated.

crappy teachers can make a kid's life miserable for sure. BTDT. but this teacher by your own account is beloved by others.

if you have a conference, go in with the attitude that this teacher is your ally and a great source of insight into your child. enlist her help. don't march in there to fix things for sam.

voodoo dolls are always good, but not in this case, where it doesn't appear as if the teacher is doing anything wrong except not putting your son on a pedestal.
khairete
S.

Is it favoritism or is your son just overly sensitive?

You don't mention how old Sam is or how long it's been going on.

There are certain ages where kids tend to lag behind in maturity before they take a big jump. This kind of thing happens - jealousy of other kids, etc. and it comes across as anger, but it is probably more hurt. They can't really express what they're feeling.

I would leave it. I'm going to guess it is your son - not the teacher. However, if he's really bothered by it (to the point where he's not wanting to go to school) or if it's been going on for an extended period, you could reach out I suppose and just ask to see if she's noticed anything - I'd keep it really vague. I wouldn't mention 'favoritism'.

It would help to know how old your kid is. If he's using terms like "kiss-ups" and "past that," I'm guessing he's not little.

Teachers should not be showing favorites, so he may be misreading her cues. If she's not paying attention to him, is that because she doesn't like him? Or is it because she has 25 kids and it's someone else's turn? Or because he's not participating, or because he's interrupting and she's ignoring that bad behavior?

I think you could have a conference but it would help if your child told you what the "jokes" are that he's taking as an insult or "snide comments." I would NOT use the term "favorites" or "snide" in meeting with the teacher! I would say that Sam seems to be having a rough patch and is discouraged, and ask what she's noticing. You can ease into him having a need for approval from all adults, and find out good strategies for dealing with that in her class (her job) and outside (your job).

Childhood depression is not unheard of so it may be worth investigating this - but you don't have nearly enough information. Also talk to the teacher about having the school psychologist sit in to observe him and what things seem to trigger his moods. Your approach should be that you and the teacher are partners in this and not that the teacher is snide or showing favorites. If she is, the counselor will pick up on it. If not, the staff will have a way of intervening in his discouragement and deciding if additional work is needed outside of school or if support services can be provided right there. If you get relevant info, be sure it's transmitted to the pediatrician too.

I think this kind of question is a good place for that old proverb or saying: "don't smooth the path for your child, but prepare your child for the path" (loosely paraphrased, I'm sure, but it goes something like that).

Sam is getting good grades, you don't mention that he's received any punishments from this teacher such as detention, the teacher hasn't spoken to you regarding any negative behavior on Sam's part. So he's getting the education that he should be, and the only thing he seems to be suffering, from what you've written, is a personal disappointment in how the teacher appears to regard him, and a disappointment in the behavior of some of his classmates ("the kiss-ups" and the attention they receive).

That does not seem to merit a parent-teacher conference, nor should you just "leave it", which is one of your options that you listed.

This is the time and place to prepare Sam for the path ahead. Approval is nice, of course. Recognition is nice, of course. But it's not what we should strive for. Sam might be able to start learning that personal development, personal responsibility, integrity, and moral strength are what will carry him through the rocky areas of life. There will always be the attention-grabber, the person we can never seem to please no matter what, the person who dislikes us because of some vague unexplainable reason that makes no sense whatsoever.

Snide comments and jokes that aren't really funny will get more and more common as Sam grows older. Ask Sam if he's doing his best. Ask him if he's being a helpful classmate, a good friend, a respectful student. Ask him if there's anything he can personally improve on (does he roll his eyes and mutter something when one of the "kiss-ups" gets yet another gold star?). Talk with him about people who crave attention and who get ahead by doing anything to get into favor with the one in charge, vs people who have integrity and personal strength regardless of recognition. The one in charge may get reassigned, and what does the "kiss-up" have then? Nothing to stand on. But the one who maintains a good work ethic has a solid foundation.

I'm sorry Sam is discouraged by this teacher. Sadly he will encounter more people who act like that, and now is a great time to help Sam become a strong young man from the inside out.

What grade? What kind of snide remarks? Don't have enough here to go on...

have the school counselor or principal observe the class for a week or longer to see what is going on in the class. if your child is being treated like every other kid then you have to fix this at home with your child. if he is being singled out then the counselor or principal will see this and question the teacher on it.

What specifically are the "snide" comments?

I'd be tempted to fire off an email to her and let her known Sam has been acting discouraged about school, and does she know why this may be? Because his grades are good, no problems with friends . . . and see if she has a side of the story to share

However, if the teacher has a chat with Sam and mentions your email, or Sam learns that you brought this up to her, he may feel you went overboard when he was simply sharing his feelings with you privately, venting, etc.

Is it possible that the teacher has giving some of his peers some praise and attention for something recently and he is feeling envious or jealous? Maybe he made a mistake and was corrected and feels embarrassed, taking it too personally and struggling to move on?

There are a lot of unknowns. I would continue to be an active listener for Sam and maybe he will open up and share some missing details with you. I think it's too early to contact the teacher right now.

What grade is he in? No one can really respond (even thought they did, not sure why) without knowing the age and grade. You will receive an appropriate response after we know those 2 details.

Unfortunately this happens. If she's being ugly to him that needs to stop. but if it's just she not paying as much attention to him or favoring him you can't do anything about it. My oldest we usually the teachers pet. But there were just some teachers that just did not like him. That was pretty much all throughout school. If you feel you need to talk to her do. Or see if someone could check in on him though out the day sometimes. If the teacher knows he's got someone checking on him her behavior could change.
Good luck!