I have booked my flight to meet my family this month. It's been almost 3 years years since I saw them. So I decided to spend christmas and new year in Europe with my family. I have a little son who they have hardly seen grow up. All this was planned last christmas which I spent with my in laws and it was decided that we alternate christmas between the 2 families every year. But now, everyone is making M. feel guilty for taking the baby away from the family during christmas. Nobody is asking M. not to go but I am hearing remarks from everyone on how the whole family is going to be there except for M. and my son. And how it's going to feel so incomplete. Yes my mom in law loves my son to bits, but her feeling so sad about not being able to spend christmas with him is kinda putting M. in an awkward place. She was crying the other day(not in front of M.) during thanksgiving because she is going to miss my son SO MUCH. I do understand and that's the main reason my husband stayed back I guess. He has some work as well, but I always overhear him on the phone with his mom, telling her it's ok. They don't tell M. anything , but they clearly are not doing a good job of hiding their feelings completely. This is the only time of the year the WHOLE family gets together at both my side and my husbands side. I am torn , what do I do? Cancel my tickets?? I don't know when will be the next time I can plan because I come from a family where everyone working in different cities , different shifts. It's very difficult to work out a long vacation with their schedule. Christmas is when everyone plans ahead of time and gathers under one roof. I so would love to be part of that , it's been so many years since I celebrated with them.
What should I do?? My family is so looking forward to our visit , they will be very disappointed as well if I cancel at this last minute.
I talked to my husband today morning after reading the responses, told him I understand MIL feeling sad but I really want to go see my family this christmas. He was supportive and he said the reason MIL is so upset is because she is worried his dad or her might not make it until next christmas. She feels like this must be the last christmas as a whole family. Not sure why she feels that way, both FIL and her had some health issues this year but nothing major and they are doing well now. FIL gave us all a scare earlier this summer(it ended up to be nothing) but I guess MIL is still struggling with the thought of that happening again. I will talk to her. Thanks for all the advice!
Go visit your family. Your in-laws will survive. And it sounds like your in-laws already see your son more than your family. They need to learn to share.
You had better go see your family, and have a lovely time!!! You made this trip ahead of time and haven't seen your family in far too long. Don't let anyone passive aggressively guilt-trip you into missing out on YOUR family. They saw him a month ago, your family deserves your time now.
Wow, she just saw you at Thanksgiving and she's crying?? She needs to get over herself already.... Go visit your family. They can't make you feel guilty unless you let them.
Shrug your shoulders and say, "well my family has been missing us for three years, so it's only fair to spend some time with them. You'll survive without us, and we'll see you when we return!" Say it with a big smile and stay positive. And don't let them guilt you into changing anything. Your mother-in-law sounds immature and narcissistic and you will never be able to please her. So do what you want and be happy about it. They'll survive without you!
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Sounds like a major guilt trip to M.. Are your parents "spring chickens"? Even if the worst (God forbid) did happen, your husband should acknowledge ALL the holidays spent with his family. It's your turn.
You, your son and your husband should ALL be making this visit to your family. Your husband's mother is being selfish and immature.
Of course you shouldn't cancel your trip! Aren't you entitled to some time with your family, whom you rarely see? Isn't your son entitled to spend time with the other side of his family, too? I understand that she's going to miss her grandson, but she should not be making you feel bad in the process, inadvertently or not. You go and have a wonderful time.
Go and see your family. Your husband's family got you for Thanksgiving. Your family should get you for Christmas. Why on earth should you feel guilty?
Go see your family and do not feel one bit guilty. Does your family not miss you? Does his family mean more than yours? Tickets are bought...go for it.
You MIl is being very selfish. Go and enjoy your time with your family.
Do not cancel your tickets. You need to see your family. Yor MIL will get over it. I think she is being very selfish!!! A lot of folks alternate years if there is a problem is distance. Go and enjoy your Mom and do not feel guilty.
When both families celebrate Christmas and they're on different continents, alternating visits is truly the only fair thing to do. You spent last year with your in-laws, it's only fair that YOUR family gets you this year. Your in-laws HAVE to understand that their grandchild has OTHER grandparents and family members, too. For crying out loud, they got the grandchild for Thanksgiving, too.
Please don't cancel your trip. Your in-laws will recover. If you cancel your trip, you're setting a precedent where they think they can guilt you into doing their bidding. Don't go that route. Establish your boundaries now while your child is still young. Go enjoy your visit, celebrate with your family and don't worry about the in-laws. If they're rational people, they WILL understand eventually.
Tell them that you have not seen your family in THREE YEARS and it will likely be many years more before you see them again. If she cannot understand that you want to take YOUR child to see YOUR family, then it is not you who has a problem. DO NOT cancel your tickets. Do not let this ruin your holiday. Absolutely not. I want to hear that you went and got to spend time with your family and loved it. Let MIL pitch a fit like a baby.
Remind them simply that you have missed your family's traditions for years and they are long overdue for a visit from you. Do not be guilted. Encourage DH not to feel guilty, either.
People who get all stupid about it have no idea how hard it is to be away from your country and family.
So I would tell them (and DH) that it was decided a long time ago and if they really want to say something, it should simply be "Merry Christmas" if they truly cared about your feelings and not just their own. Case closed.
P.S. if your DH stayed behind in part because of his mom's crying, then that's a whole other topic. He should have tried to come with you. Aren't his inlaws as important as yours?
I think your MIL is being completely self centered. Why is it that your family is not entitled to have christmas with you once in awhile? I think you should go - and have your husband remind his mom how incomplete christmas must feel for your family each year and how much this visit will mean to them.
its not going to be easy and your inlaws may not like it but you should go see your family.. you were with your inlaws last year, so its only fair.. if they are really making such a big deal out of it ask them how they would feel if they went as long not seeing your son as your parents did
You made the plans to see your family this year and go. You could possibly lose your money on the plane fares. Don't let your MIL bully you into staying here with her when you planned to be with your family.
Have a happy holiday in Europe.
The other S.
PS Visit one of those Christmas Markets for M..
I think you should go and see your family. You haven't seen them in 3 years! That's a LONG time. How often do you see your MIL? I'm guessing very often. You MIL will get over it. Go and have fun and don't feel guilty!
Its YOUR FAMILY, you never get to see them its not like your moving back home or taking your son away forever. Trust M. mother in laws tend to be Dramatic! I havent see my family in 5yrs and if i could visit them i would. so dont put your mother in law before your family, visit them its only going to be for a holiday and in the end you'll be happy about your decision.
Go to your family and tell you husband to man up. He should be going with you. As for your mother in law ask her to have the family christmas the week before you go that way your little guy will be there for it.
DO NOT CANCEL. You live with these other people and they will see your son more often than your family. They will see him grow up. Your husband needs to tell them that they are being unfair to you. They need to be adult about this and take turns. Besides, cancelling the tickets would cost you an arm and a leg, and that would be ridiculous.
oooh oh oh oh. let M. answer this one.
first, you already booked the flight. you already discussed it with them.
the fact that they seem to be running a guilt trip on you is not cool - in all honesty, the drama with which your MIL is reacting to this (VERY selfishly imo) is enough to tell M. - you should not feel bad for her at all. she's feeling plenty sorry for herself. end of guilt!
what i have found (my inlaws are 1000 miles away and have never seen us for christmas since our child was born - he is 6 now) is that while at first, i was adamant that i wanted to spend christmases at "home" - eventually i became more and more okay with it, until suddenly i was really adamant that we REALLY needed to go. this year we WERE planning to be down there for christmas, except that fell through due to some unavoidable circumstances.
it's possible you're just not there yet. but i got to the point where it was time, and i was like you know what, fair is fair. my family gets to see him 100x more than my inlaws do. one christmas here or there is not going to hurt them. and it will do a WORLD of good for those relatives that miss out on so much.
so dump the guilt mama. this is YOUR family too, not even your inlaws, like in my case. do NOT feel guilty. if your inlaws felt that badly about you being gone, they would schedule their christmas festivities for a day right before you leave, or right after you return. don't sweat it. please. you are SO doing the right thing!
If it were M., I would not even consider NOT going. Your MIL knew this was coming and you haven't seen them in THREE years and yet she is being selfish and manipulative. Even though she is not saying anything to you, she is calling your husband crying to him? That is rediculous and your husband should be putting a stop to it. Your husband should also be going WITH you and your son. You have no reason to feel guilty. I guess this really irritates M. because my MIL is a huge gulit-tripper (if that's a word) in a passive aggressive way. I don't play into it though so although the guilt trips are frequent, they are short. Better than nothing I guess!
If you haven't seen your family in 3 years, then go !
Have another Christmas celebration a week after you get back !!!!
In a couple years from now, you wil look back and be SO GLAD that you did not cancel your tickets !!!!
I have a friend that really wants to go see her family this year, but, something came up totally unexpected (financially) and she can't go.
The tickets are in your hand. It's your plan to go !
Don't get upset over this. It's your turn to be w/ your family.
Buy her some tissues. LOL
Keep your plans, of course. Why would you change them? Because your in-laws voiced the fact that they would be disappointed in not seeing you and your child? I would take it as a compliment. I do think that you need to stop taking their words as a request not to go see your side of the family. You're allowing their compliment to drive you with guilt, reading between lines that aren't there.
I mean seriously... they don't expect you to cancel the tickets and lose money from the plane and other travel plans that were made like renting a car and lodgings. They'll deal with it.
If they're constantly bemoaning the fact that you and the little one will be gone, if it comes up at every gathering, then you and your husband have to say something.
"Yes, we know you'll miss us this Christmas. We'll miss you too. We'll be sure to take plenty of pictures and we'll post them on Facebook so that you can see Elijah when he opens his gifts and sees his "firsts" on the trip. If there's anything specific you'd like us to look for, let us know now so we can update our touristy list. I have to admit, though, Ma, that I'm starting to feel guilty about going to see my parents for Christmas. I know you don't intend to make M. feel that way, but can we stop talking about it until it's time to leave for the airport?"
Wow talk about a drama queen. Sorry but you have every right to go visit your family. Your husband should be going with you as well. We lived in another stated for several years. One Christmas my parents came the next was the in laws. It worked great.
If it were M., I would snap and say "hey, you have had a lot of time with the little guy, I want that for my parents as well so really get over it". I would have also had a very frank conversation with my husband. He should be with HIS family, that means you and little guy. As a last resort, offer to Skype with them Christmas Day.
Being with his family this Christmas won't stop anything bad from happening. What about your family?? Seems to M., hubby needs to man up and cut the apron strings from his M. and spend the holidays with HIS family.
Sorry but really this just gets M. annoyed.
OK. I lost my Dad in February, my Mom we buried on Friday. If we weren't with them but with other family on holidays they understood, no guilt-tripping or bullying.
Life is too short to stress over making everyone be happy with YOUR decision, your husband is the only one you need to be concerned about, and he obviously is OK with it. Their grandson is a part of two families, and blessed to be able to see them both.
Enjoy your trip, Merry Christmas!!
Go and have a nice time. Your family will enjoy seeing your son and he can meet his other grandparents. I'm just concerned that your husband isn't going. Next time you go, in two years when it's their turn again, be sure you schedule so he can go too. I also think you need to talk with him about how you feel when he tells his mom it's okay on the phone. If it does bother you, it would bother M., that he and his mother are talking about it together when it should be you and your husband discussing it and his mom not being babied about things.
Go see your family. The world will not end if you go see your family. It's not fair for them to make you feel guilty. I would certainly go to Europe. They will adjust in your absence. Enjoy your family visit.
Go! Every other year is fine. MIL will get over it. She already sees him more than your side. Have a Christmas Day with her before you leave. Please don't cancel.
Go, have fun! Next year, stop everyone in their tracks every few moments and take pictures to show your relatives. Tell them how much they miss you and your son, cry and tell them how sad you are to be there with them!
Not.
Don't ruin your holiday to appease them. Have fun.
Let M. get this straight, you are GOING TO BE WITH FAMILY, just not your husband's family?
That is normal.
Family is family and they have to take turns.
The sooner you start implementing this the sooner HIS side of the family will "understand" it.
When they throw innuendos at you like "oh, this is NOT our year with the baby..".. DO NOT LET THAT BOTHER YOU!. You guilt trip yourself, they don't do it. Seriously.
And do not worry about it. The trip to Europe sounds so awesome and I bet your family is so excited that you are coming. Have fun!, the rest here are probably just "jealous" :)
Take lots of pictures so no one here misses a thing!
ETA: All moms want to have family pictures of ALL their kid at the same time now and then... you have to show up for those every few years.
How could you be mean to your family at Christmas, think of it like that. They miss you and have not even met your little guy. His family should feel bad about you going but they should also be very happy for you.
You need to see your family and take this time.
Wow a grown woman who sounds like Veruka from Willy Wonka ."I want it and I want it now " ( and every other day too). Really ? She is just being selfish . Go and have fun with your family who has never seen your son . DO NOT FEEL GUILTY . Like someone else said , celebrate it the week before . Have a safe and happy trip :0)
Christmas is about giving. Your MIL and inlaws need to GIVE you peace about going to see your family that you haven't seen in 3 years. Period.
Go, enjoy yourself and do not feel guilty. You and your son haven't seen your family in three years! (Personally, I'd be a bit irked with your hubby not going too.) Everything is NOT about your in-laws; you have a right to a relationship with your family and for your son to have a relationship with them. Your MIL did get to see the little one at Thanksgiving. It is selfish for them to make you feel bad about this.
I get them being upset that they won't get to spend the holidays with him. They live close so they see him a lot, but they've also had him the last 3 years. So they have to understand it's a shared thing. Your husband should be sticking up for your family's decision and not appeasing his mom, in my opinion. He is just fueling the fire.
My in-laws live far away and it's understood that we do NOT travel for Christmas unless it's a trip for the kids to somewhere amazing. We do a family reunion with my in-laws every year, at least we try to go every year. So while it's not at the holiday's, it is seeing a large part of our extended family.
My sister and her fiance both have family that lives 5 minutes away. They struggle with this because his family refuses to do things with our family...so it is what it is. The only problem is my sister ALWAYS caves and he always gets his way, so we miss a lot of time with my niece on holidays.
I am in the same situation with my family and we do not plan to head back to my family (for Christmas) for another two years. I don't care what my in-laws reaction will be. They will just need to get over it. Where you come from and your back ground is very important to your son. He should be able to build a relationship with you family, hear the language, eat the food, and build new memories. You will do yourself a dis-service if you do not get away and meet your own family. I plan this coming May to go and visit my family with my sons. I also plan to go without my husband at first and then he can join us later so that I can really relax with my family.
Don't cancel, go, enjoy, relax,
Your son is only so small for so long and your side of the family should get to enjoy him as well.
DO NOT CANCEL! I know that I would be upset also if my grandchildren could not spend xmas with M., but I would feel really horribly if you cancelled your trip because of my feelings.
Your MIL is entitled to be upset; but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to cancel. Acknowledge her feelings and go on your trip.
You should go...your feelings matter, too! You miss your family and they miss you! Your mother in law should understand this and be able to be happy for you and your son that you are able to spend Christmas with your family. I really do hope you go...Have a wonderful Christmas!
Okay, so my In-Laws live in Europe.
My MIL... is telling my Husband how they are ALL going to his brother's house for Christmas.. .and that "everyone will be here except you and the kids...."
OH WHATEVER!
MIL, has no care... that flying over there from here, costs THOUSANDS of dollars and for a family of 4.
And that, SHE CAN COME HERE TOO.
And my MIL has TONS of grandchildren, there in Europe with her in her own town. My Mom ONLY has my 2 children, as grandchildren.
I don't let my MIL guilt M. or us.
In the 15 years we have been married, MIL has made NO effort, to come see us or our kids, nor for any holidays. But she could have. She always expects us, to go visit her. And we have.
It is selfish.
For you and your in-laws giving you a guilt trip, so what.
You have a right... to go see YOUR family with your child.
And your HUSBAND, should be backing you up on this.
Your HUSBAND, should be, backing you up on this.
What the heck is he telling his family to back you up on this?
KEEP your plans and go on your trip with your child.
GO and do it.
You have a right to do so.
They are selfish, to make you feel guilty.
You have a right to see your OWN family.
Your In Laws have to realize, that you have a family. And they have a right to have you visit with your son. Your son does not belong to them, your son is ALSO your parent's grandchild, too.
You also planned this all LAST Christmas.
The other problem is: your Husband seems to mutter things about your trip to his Mom, without telling you. As you said "they don't tell M. anything..." Your Husband does not have to hide his feelings about it, he just needs to tell his Mom that you AND he decided that "My Wife needs to see her family with my son so THEY can see her too, its been 3 years...." and he needs to speak up. OR he can go with you too and take off of work for vacation, like many people do at this time of year.
Or maybe next year, your family can all come and visit you and stay at your house.
And then the In-Laws, can join the gathering if they want to be good hosting In laws too. It not being a territorial thing about who gets to see your son more or not.
