I tend to be a pretty impulsive, inconsistent person, which I know isn't a great trait in a parent. Especially when I have a severely impulsive ADHD boy to deal with who craves routine. So, I need advice on chores. My daughter is 13 and will do most of what I ask, on her own teenaged clock (slowly). My son is 9, and seems to do chores if they are tied to a large enough reward. I'd like to institute a chore system tied to small, daily rewards, and larger weekly and bi-weekly awards. If I can make this a system whereby they can accumulate points towards something very desirable, all the better for my son who can't seem to save his allowance money. He blows through it the day he gets it.
The trouble is that: 1) they are both very different kids, and are motivated by different things, son by money, daughter by attention or computer time, 2) I am struggling financially and can't provide big-ticket items, 3) I'm easily distracted into forgetting the rules I set or keeping track of these things.
Anyone have suggestions? I've tried giving them blocks of media time (computer, playstation, tv or dvd) in exchange for chores (30 mintes for doing the dishes, 15 minutes for walking the dog twice a day), but they argue about who is supposed to get which chore and the amount of time allotted for each.
Thanks for your help!
S.
I took Susan's advice and implemented a rewards/punishment system that uses poker chips. I like it because it's simple, immediate, and reminds my kids that their behavior is their choice, and their reward is their choice: cash in chips for media time privileges or cash out for money. I don't like to give money directly to them for behavior, so this is better since they choose. It's also flexible: I can use chips for chores, homework, behavior, etc.
A suggestion: if your son is motivated by money and receives an allowance, how about he has to pay YOU when he doesn't complete what he's asked to do? Start the week with his full allowance, and then each time he refuses to do his responsibilities, deduct an appropriate amount from the total. Then give him what he's EARNED at the end of the week. Hope that might help!
Sit down together as a family and make a 2 charts. 1 with a list of chores that need to be done regulary and then let each decide which chores they want to do and write their names beside it. The other chart has the chores and the rules so that everyone in the family can remember them. Place both charts together in a prominent area (fridge, door, etc)
For the chores chart - let each child decide which chores will always be theirs (ie daughter walks dog every day, son takes out trash every week, etc) and then the chores that can be rotated (ie dishes done by daughter Mon, Wed, Fri; done by son on Tues, Thurs, Sat)
Talk about the rewards they'd like and the time limits they think should result in said reward. From the beginning, let them know their opionions do matter, but you (as the mom) have the ultimate decision. Since money is an issue (and it is with every family) tell them they need to think of "free" rewards for the small things and that completing the chores successfully (on time, without fighting) for a designated time (1 month) will result in larger rewards (trip to ice cream store, rent a movie, etc).
Set time limits for when chores should be completed. Example all our chores have to be completed by 6 PM. We get stickers for doing daily chores, a item from the dollar store (dollar tree, where everythings a dollar or less) for weekly reward, and a set amount of money for doing chores monthly (17 year old gets $20). ALso, decide what the consequences will be if the rules are not followed. For us: chores not done by 6pm = no sticker and we deduct $5 from money to be received at end of month. If not done correctly, then they lose 10 minutes of phone time (they only get 30 minutes anyway) -1st offense. 2nd offense = 10 minutes phone for 2 days and 10 minutes computer time (again only 30 min a day given anyway).
Our children also get an allowance ($20 month). Allowance is not tied to chores, it's a gift from parents for being part of the family and to teach them money management skills. We also have a rule that 10% of monthly income goes to church tithe, and 10% goes into a piggy bank/savings. The rest is theirs to spend. This was a hard rule for our oldest to accept (we started this 2 years ago when she was 15), but with the family discussion where we told the plan and took suggestions on the chores chart and rules and placed them so all can see, the "whining" only lasted about a week. Of course, like you said, the parent(s) have to stick to and enforce the rules or it won't work.
Good luck!
S.,
I see how hard you're trying! Here's a little motto I keep in mind: KISS = Keep It Simple Sweetie!
If you have trouble being consistent, you probably need a very simple reward program that will be easily managed.
I, too, am divorced and their dad is about 35 minles from me.
I need my girls (aged 6 and 4) to help around the house so I am not doing everything. I also want to teach them about responsibility and how to be somewhat orderly. I also want them to learn to take care of their belongings and respectfully live in our home.
Here's what I do. I bought a package of poker chips. Each chip is worth a dime. When they do what is expected (clear the table, wipe the table, get ready on time, etc) they get a poker chip or two or three. Sometimes I have a contest of who can get ready first (I always reward both because the worked so hard to get ready fast) or clean the room in a certain amount of time, etc. They have containers on the kitchen table where they keep their chips. Periodically we "cash in."
They dump their chips and count out the amount I owe them (great lesson in math). They give me the chips and I record how much money they've earned. I give them some for spending and the rest goes in a savings account (a great lesson in saving...when I can make it to the bank).
Note: In the beginning of this process, I gave chips for just about anything (including waking up with a smile). That got them very excited. When it seems boring, I'll step it up and reward for any good behavior I see (including helping each other, giving compliments, using manners, etc.)
For your purposes, you will probably have to "price" chores. I used to teach school and believe me, your children are not too old for this. EVERYONE loves to be rewarded!
Think about this for a few days then start writing down chores and how much they're worth. The poker chips can be worth a quarter for the older kids. You can post the chores and their value in a prominent place in the home. You want a constant visual reminder. Remember to add at the bottom that you will be giving rewards at your discresion for good behavior.
I would also add a part that "charges" for misbehavior. Not doing homework, 2 chips, hitting your sister, 3 chips, etc. Not grades, though. That's a separate issue.
You will hardly have to do anything! Your kids will be on top of it and will let you know how much they've earned. I'd be interested to know how it works out. It would work really well if Dad were on board and did it at his house but that's not necessary. Let me know if you have any more questions. Remember KISS!
ONE MORE THING I just thought of...The rewards part can be money but you can also make a chart that prices the rewards! 30 minutes of tv, one chip, 30 minutes on computer one chip, one hour alone time in room, free...etc. List whatever your kids like and they can "buy the rewards." You may want to have some things for free like everyone automatically gets 30 minutes of tv a day. Use it or loose it. If they want extra time, they have to buy it.
good luck!
S.
have you thought about writing it down on a calendar?
for instance on mondays, your daughter can vacuum and do the dishes, and your son walk the dog and take out the trash? tiesday she can dust and your son wash the windows, etc.
that way, there is no arguement about who does what.
doing chores is a way to help out each other around the house, and it teaches responsibility, that is what family members do.
id honestly would avoid the big-ticket items, its kinda like bribing your kids to do something that they know that needs to get done. if you want to impliment a reward system, i would include yourself as well. say your daughter wants to go to the mall, or a movie, she must do one of her chores first before you take her.
giving praise and rewards to children are a good thing, they know that they did a good job and it was recognized. but its another thing when they take advantage of that.
i hope this helps
Here's a chart system that seems to work wonderfully in my house.
www.mypreciouskid.com/chore-chart.html
The key is using it consistently for two weeks... it seems like alot at first... but then you will have less to do. Let them help pick their rewards and a few chores that way you get them involved and they have total buy in to the chore/reward system.
Best of Luck!
Stephanie,
Have you considered giving the son to his father for the weekends? I say this because rest is so important for you to make great decisions. When my six year old was born, I was experiencing post-pardom depression because of a lack of rest. At one month old my mother got her for two days so that I could rest. I did and was able to make sound decisions. Decisions that were best for my child.
M.
