Children Spending the Night Out

I have an 11 yr old ds and we allow him to go to home we haven't met parents but only after we speak on the phone and discuss arangements and we drop off so we know where the home is and can at least say hi to the parents. I trust my son to follow the values we have instilled in him....how else do they learn to live and make good decisions?

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I have an 11 yr old ds and we allow him to go to home we haven't met parents but only after we speak on the phone and discuss arangements and we drop off so we know where the home is and can at least say hi to the parents. I trust my son to follow the values we have instilled in him....how else do they learn to live and make good decisions?

I wouldn't let my kids sleep at anyone's house that I didn't know the family/parents. Thats letting them sleep with strangers! I just wouldn't feel comfortable. I would definitely make an effort to get to know the parents before making my decision.

M

I understand what you are saying. As you said YOU do not feel comfortable, so you will have to just explain this to your daughter..

What you can start doing is start getting to know your daughters friends and families.. invite THEM over. And then YOU host some sleepovers and set the tone for correct behaviors.. Expand your Village..

When girls came to our home, I told them what the rules would be.. "No drinking, no smoking, nor cursing and no gambling.". yes even when they were 8! They would giggle and laugh.. I still do this and our daughter is in college and now they laugh and roll their eyes..

You have taught your children your morals and expectations, you need to trust them.. If they have good sense, they will follow your lead..
Give them some trust and let them be a part of things. Do not hold them back to long or too often or they will wonder what they are missing out on..

I'm kind of late to the thread, but I wanted to say that if you want to limit your child's sleepovers (appropriate, I think) you should also be prepared to put yourselves out there. Be the house for other kids to come to. Get to know the friend's families. Do things so that not only do you feel comfortable, but that you aren't squashing your child's social life unnecessarily because no adult picked up the phone.

We are probably more lenient than you, but we will pick up the phone even now to confirm that yes, an adult will be home, yes, so and so's mom is driving, etc. If there was a party a child wanted to attend but we didn't know the family well, we might say go to the party but we'll get you at x hour instead of sleeping over. Or we might say, "Okay, but only if I talk to their parents first". In middle school it is VERY common for kids to hand out invites and never get the parents involved in the actual inviting. If my child wanted to invite someone, I'd talk to the parents as part of the RSVP, but not necessarily call up every kid's house before sending out the invite. Part of the party planning would be to trust that my child was inviting his/her friends (who I might have seen at school or heard about prior to the invite).

Obviously you wouldn't deliberately put your kid in harm's way, but I think parents need to balance all factors. Would you disallow your child a band competition trip because you don't personally know all the chaperones? Or will you decide to BE a chaperone to allow your child the opportunity to attend?

I was also taught that even if my parents knew the family, if there was ever any question or need to come home, I could. At any time. I think it's also important to allow your child to make judgment calls and support them. Could be as simple as not liking their dog, but that's still legit.

First impressions may be the right impression, but sometimes you have to look twice to really determine what kind of people they are.

My kids don't spend the night anywhere if I am not comfortable with it. My oldest is friends with a neighbor in our apartment building, one floor up and I won't let him spend the night. I have been told some things about the moms BF so my son is not going to be spending the night. I will let him go over for about an hour during the day but I wouldn't trust a sleepover even if it only takes me 30 seconds to walk to their apartment.

one bad experience doesn't mean every experience will be bad. i don't think it's a good thing for kids to grow up with parents who are afraid to let them spend time away from them. if we've done our job right, our kids will usually make the right choices even if presented with 'bad' possibilities.
that being said, i don't think it's a good idea to just send a kid off to an unknown household. i would let her go to the party, and plan to pick her up at 10 or 11. that will give you a chance to visit the house, hopefully chat with the parents for a while, get a feel for how the party is going, and base future decisions on that. it would also be a good idea to host some afternoon get-togethers with neighbors and school families so you can start to make contacts with folks you're comfortable with.
khairete
S.

If I don't know the parents, I call or stop by and introduce myself. All I need to know is that I have a feeling of comfort by meeting them briefly, and they assure me that an adult or two will be home during the entire time my daughter will be there. My daughter also has a phone and knows she can call me anytime. I also do trust her.

I wouldn't let one bad experience cause me to deny my daughter this important (and fun!) way to socialize with other girls. Going to a birthday sleepover can help her to make friends at her new school.

I wouldnt do it. You just never know what can happen..even when you think you know people. Its just not safe out there and you wouldnt want to put your daughter in any kind of situation. We all hope that our kids will act as we have taught them..but sometimes peer presure at parties will overrule. I think you have a great policy right now..so dont change it!

My daughter is 8 and she has only spent the night with family (my mom) and 1 friend that I have known her mom for 15 years. I'm with you. If I don't know you she's not staying the night and if I know you and I know you don't watch your kids, she's not staying the night.......... Maybe compromise and let her go but pick her up from the party at like 11pm?

Absolutely NOT! Don't question yourself on this. My mom used to tell me I couldn't even go play at another person's home until she met the parents. It used to embarass me to death and we would always fight about it......now that I am on the other side and have two daughters myself I will do and have done the exact same thing.
The thing is you don't know these people or even their own children. What if the parents or one of them is a molestor. Or worse yet what if one of their kids were molested and then tried something with your child? What if the parents were on drugs? What if What If.....yes there are a lot of them but my children are my most valued treasure and I have to protect them but you also have to allow kids to be kids......why can't you at least meet the parents and go from there? What is the shame in that? Of course people can be fake but it might ease your mind a bit. I'm just not a very trusting person as it is but I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I am usually a pretty good judge of character. If you had time invite their kid over to YOUR house.....sometimes watching their child in your home proves exactly what type of people they really are........

Maybe give the parents a call or see if you can stop by to meet them before the party. That will put you at ease and if your daughter is comfortable with the girls and new to the area it could be a good experience and a lot of fun for her. It is possible all the girls in the class were invited, in which case the party girl's parents may not know everyone's parents, but at the same time did not want to leave anyone out. I would go with all or nothing for the party, getting picked up late might be embarrassing for your daughter if everyone else is staying over. If that ends up being an option, I would ask your daughter how she feels about that. Hope you can meet or talk to the parents first and your daughter can go and have a great ime.

Well I agree with you my kids can't sleep over someone's house unless I trust the parents but a sleepover with other kids at a young age might be ok with me BUT my oldest (8) hasn't been invited to one of those yet so I can't really say what I would do. It's scary to raise kids. I had a friend growing up who was never aloud to stay the night anywhere and she just left late. It was no big deal.

Can you set up a quick meeting with the parents? Can you check out the situation with other parents you may already know? I agree - you need to talk to them and get a feel for them. Maybe you can join them for a little while early in the evening, just saying you'd feel more comfortable since it's a new community.

I am a lot different than some parents with my rules yet I find there are some that do think like me. The children try to make us think that we are the only ones who worry and want to know where our children are going to be and if they had permission to stay over at a friends house. I still get calls from my teen age sons friends parents sometimes making sure it is alright for them to spend the night. I think they are just making sure that the child is really staying at our house and I commend them for being responsible. The children in our town have bday parties in hotels now days and that worries me. I want to know that a parent is going to be around to watch them and make sure there is no alchohol snuck in or girls and that they don't break anything that we could get billed for when horsing around. It is our job to mke sure our children are safe and know who they are with when we aren't. I would tell your daughter she can go if you can meet her friends parents first. If that is your rule then stick to it. I have sisters that I don't let my children stay by too because I don't agree with their parenting. I let my daughter spend the night by a friend and found out they were running around in a apt complex late at night that I do not allow her to go to. It wasn't close to the girls home either. I had to tell the parent that I don't allow that and that I was upset about it so that she knows the next time. Do what you feel is right. Us moms need to stick together.

My son is not even allowed to play inside the house of another child if I have not met the parents, much less sleep there. He does know that if he wants it to ever be a possibility, he has to arrange for me to meet the parents either by bringing home a phone number for me to call or by taking me to the house in question (if it's in the neighborhood).

We're new in our community, too, and he's already brought home one phone number.

I have recently been fortunate enough to move in to a community where I have a larger village than I had before. Before I had no one. Here I have 2 friends who have the same values and who I would trust completely. Bonus is that my son LOVES their kids so we have that now.

Don't do it! You need to know the family dynamics. Sleepovers are fun in concept, but a lot of stuff goes down that you would not be happy about.

You can "trust" your kid, but seriously, until they've proved to be trustworthy - meaning they will say no to stuff you don't allow, even when everyone else does it - you're just asking for trouble. Most kids don't want to stick out and be the "bad guy" to tell on the others, or feel weird by not participating. Even if they don't do it, they're being exposed to behavior that you don't approve of.

We do not allow our children to go to overnights or have overnight guests, period! Doesn't matter if we know the parents or not. Bad things happen at overnights (as you've learned).
I would call the parents and let them know your daughter can go for the party, but not the sleepover and ask when a good time to pick her up would be.

We have the same rules you do. Our oldest is 13, and we've lived in the same place forever. He is allowed to spend the night at several friends' homes where we know the parents will supervise appropriately. When someone new comes along we have to get to know the family before he is allowed to sleep over. With certain families he is never allowed to sleep over, however it's interesting to note that usually those end up being places that he doesn't feel comfortable with either. Our youngest is 6, and he hasn't slept over at a friend's house yet. He still has night terrors, so we're holding off awhile. As for trusting that they will behave, I do think that my children will behave appropriately; they are good kids. Then again, I teach high school, and I have seen many very good kids succumb to peer pressure and make some very bad decisions. Children need supervision and guidance. I want to make sure they have that, even when sleeping over at friend's houses.

I agree at 11 years old if you don't know the family I would be uncomfortable to. Make an effort to be at least acquainted with the parents of the new kids so the next time she gets an invite it won't be as difficult to make the decision.

No, I would not let her go. In our house, we do have sleepovers periodically but only with very very close friends whom I am very close as well. It is my responsibility to make sure my kids are safe. I'm not sure if the other parent is a good one or not. If your daughter likes the classmate, you can always arrange a time for you and the kids to get together with the other family at another time. It is really hard to expand your village but it is important. However, in the process you don't have to take unnecessary chances.

My son is only 7, so no. he only stays at family andfriends houses we are extremely comfortable with one friend did a family slumber party at their ranch and the other friends we've known the parents since before we had children.
That said, at a certain age, depending on maturity, I know I will have to loosen my parental death grip or face rebellion and mutany - LOL!
Since DD is 11 AND new to the area, find out if this is something she really wants to do or just feels like she has to. If she really wants to, call the parent a week or few days before sleep over and set up time to meet (with girls) in their home.
Use it as a 'get to know you because we are new' and from there you can better evaluate if this is a home you would be comfortable with your daughter visiting. I also think that after initial pleasantries you ask point blank what will be going on at slumber party, if their are guns and how secured, same with alcohol, etc. Preface by sharing your story of older daughter and that has made you sensitive to these issues.
Time to expand that village ;) Best of luck.

My daughter is 12 1/2 and just attended her first sleep over on New Years. I let her stay because several of her friends were staying too and I thought that would be safer than driving 45 min round trip. I had only met her parents once before but my daughter I believe has good judgement and her friend is a very sweet girl. She had a great time but it was a long night for my husband and me.
I worry most about working fire and carbon dioxide detectors at this age although my cousin was molested by an uncle at the house that he stayed over night at when he was 13. As much as you think you know someone you really do not know what goes on behind closed doors.