Children, Politics and Religion

I found this talk by Johnathan Haidt on the moral roots of liberals and conservatives to be thought provoking and downright fascinating. www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_haidt_on_the_moral_mind.html . As his presentation suggests, there may even be a genetic predisposition to leaning one way or the other. Both my husband and I were raised in extremely conservative homes, and we lean more toward liberal now on many issues. And I've known children who have gone in the opposite direction, too.

It sounds to me as though you're doing a lot of the right things. Keep asking questions that allow this bright young girl a chance to inquire, explore, and express what is most alive in her, and she'll thank you for it someday.

Like you, I'm liberal, atheist, feminist and pro-choice, and my thought is this. My kids can believe what they want to - for a while both kids believed in god and I was fine with that. The idea of a higher power seemed to comfort them. Why take that away? They'll grow up soon enough. What I DID make sure to do was to discuss in some detail the creation stories and beliefs of some of the major religions, as well as what scientists can tell us about important world events (the formation of the Earth, etc.). Once they have the facts, they start thinking critically all on their own. And although I find most religious beliefs to be absurd, I still teach my children that we would never, ever make fun of or let religious people know that we think that, because their beliefs are very important to them and it would hurt their feelings. (We're not evangelical atheists... LOL)

Anyhow - with regard to political beliefs, again, I arm them with facts. In my opinion, if you care about your fellow man, there's pretty much only one political view you can have, and if my children grow up to be socially conservative, I will definitely feel that I have failed them completely as a mother. That being said, we talk a LOT of politics in our household, and I try very hard to have fact-based discussions. In other words, we learn about history to see what has happened in the past, and then try to apply that to our current situation. Instead of taking a news organization's word for how facts should be interpreted, we try to find the facts from a neutral source and decide what that means for ourselves. Now - it should be said that I do not identify with one political party or another, but rather I have an ideology and then try to choose the candidate or ballot choice that best suits my way of thinking. (Although I DID buy "Ban Republican Marriage" shirts for myself and the kids when Prop 8 was on the ballot. Not apologizing for that one.)

To paraphrase one of my favorite comedians, Bill Maher, there are not ALWAYS two sides to every story. For instance, you're not obligated to present creationism along with the Big Bang Theory as two equally valid answers. Science deals in facts that lead to a logical theory (that in itself may not be 100% correct, but is probably a pretty darn good guess). Religious stories are stories, and should be taught as such, though they do provide a valuable sociological study of a society. As a parent, you're allowed, and SHOULD, help your kids make that distinction.

What a great question! I'm glad you asked it. I'll be eager to read the other responses.

Find your closest Unitarian Universalist Church. You'll find all of that there. :) That's what I love so much about mine. My children are learning about lots of different religious paths. And since my Church is active in so many different areas, they've gone to rally's about issues anywhere from gay rights to helping Haiti. We don't just haul the kids around with us. We talk to them about the issues, both pros and cons so they can make up their own minds. There have been times where one of my kids opted out of doing something because of their stance and we've been fine with that.

Even as young as my kids are, they have participated in raising money through their religious ed classes. Their most recent fund raiser was for a local animal orphanage but they've also raised money for Heifer International (they managed to raise almost $500 and the kids were so excited picking out the animals etc. they funded for people). For older children, my Church also takes them to different churches, mosques, etc. around town (a different one each month) to give them the chance to experience that faith, even on the periphery. The youth group is awesome. A lot of UU churches also have a great sex ed class that is really awesome and I look forward to my children being old enough to take it (even if I'll be expected to take it right along with them. :D)

My Church is always talking politics and while they lean more liberal every once in a while you'll find a conservative in there. I love that a UU church will have atheists, catholics, pagans, mormons, jews, muslims, etc. all come together under one roof because we all believe in the inherent worth and dignity of everyone regardless of religion or color of skin.

Still, whatever path you choose in the end, it sounds like you're already well on the way to giving her exactly what she needs; the support that will let her grow and find herself on her own. :)

Admittedly-I am your antithesis-there is always a way to present the other side-believe it or not-without foaming at the mouth! Stick to the facts-present both sides.

You are a democrat-I am a Republican-you would rather give someone a fish-I would rather teach him how to fish and fix the reasons why he didn't learn to fish in the first place. You believe in gender equality-I believe women are vastly superior to men and would not want to lower myself to their level-and have raised my sons to revere and respect women- and in every case-lead and protect-because they are physically stronger-and just wired for this. You speak of kindness and compassion-and while I would never judge what another woman does with her body-I find it odd that you feel that it demonstrates compassion and kindness to destroy an unborn child. No matter your efforts-if she attends school in the United States-except for private schools and universities-much of your work will be done for you.

Something we've always done with our kids was "lets go look it up, then you can tell me what YOU think". And we'd discuss things. Usually ending with me saying "That's just my opinion ... I could be wrong."

One thing I did do though ... I didn't let my children go or be taken to church when they were younger. I don't think children under the age of about 10-12 is old enough for church. In my opinion before then it's brainwashing or indoctrinating them. Now that they are older I allow them to go if they want but I encourage them to do their own thinking and explore ALL the aspects of ALL religions. If they find something that suits them ... good for them. But it's ok if they think it's all a bunch of bullcrap too.

In the end though I think teaching respect for others and their opinions/choices is more important than anything else.

She'll figure it all out and so will you :) It's a big learning curve for all of us on a daily basis.

We are well versed and educated about the world, religions, cultural norms and differences, etc. He will be, as well. No matter what religion you do or don't choose, it's important to be accepting and educated. With that said, my husband and I are Christians. We live in a way we feel is correct, for our lives. We are not going to stop living our lives, just to not "taint" my son. He attends church with us and we teach him our beliefs and the Bible. We don't rule his thoughts and beliefs. As he grows, he may choose to believe differently. I would be sad about it, but accepting and understanding. He has free will and can choose how he lives and learns the world. I WILL NOT sugar coat my beliefs, so as not to influence him. I am his parent, I am supposed to influence him. Whether or not that influence is what he chooses to live, is completely up to him.

I applaud you for your efforts to help your child explore her options without telling her how to think. Bravo!

In my house, I try to be honest with my two teens about what I believe. But I want to be clear when something is my own opinion. Sometimes I'll tell them the other side of the issue and remind them that I can be wrong, adults make mistakes and change their minds when they get new information or see another side to the issue. The bottom line is that they get to choose.

I don't think our children can be untainted by what we believe so the best we can do is teach them to differentiate between facts and opinions. My boys and I pick apart news articles, TV commercials, and their text books to evaluate reporting vs. editorializing. It's fun and funny and they surprise me with their insight.

My dad was an atheist who wanted us kids to choose our own beliefs. He even drove my siblings to church and sat outside with the newspaper on Sunday mornings. He walked his talk! I have since become a Christian and we've had some long discussions about our beliefs. Our ideas have changed over the years but I'm grateful that we can talk, disagree and respect each other's right to a different view. I feel strongly about my faith, but ultimately my children must explore their options and choose for themselves. I'd like to honor my father as well as my children in helping them do this.

Enjoy this smart, curious young girl who has come into your life. Thank you for teaching her justice and kindness. I hope you will both be blessed by all you are giving her!

My children are 6 and 13. I teach AP Language which is all about argumentation and rhetoric. At home we discuss religion and politics all the time, and we freely discuss our beliefs, but we also discuss why we believe the things we believe. We also encourage questioning, and this also causes my husband and I to constantly question our own beliefs, to re-evaluate our views and not follow blindly. If our children end up going a different direction than us when they are older, that's fine. At least they will have knowledge.

Yes, it is a fine line between teaching and indoctrinating. I think that, by raising the question, you are likely already doing the necessary groundwork for enabling your child to form her own beliefs and values. The willingness to question and honestly discuss other beliefs and points of view will allow children to become "their own person". If she currently adapts your set of beliefs and values, the thoughtful discussions of other points of view will enable her to question her beliefs when she is older. And if she chooses to be a liberal, Democrat, atheist, pro-choice, feminist - great...the world needs more of us : )

I don't think you should try to not "taint" her views with yours. You have reasons to believe (or not) what you do, and you should certainly share these with her. This will include your belief system of what is right or wrong. If you raise her to think for herself and be analytical, all the while encouraging her to explore beliefs and views that aren't your own, you will have accomplished a marvelous feat. For what it's worth, I hope she values and accepts your views on these issues.

I hope I can accomplish the same when my little ones are old enough to start questioning.

If she goes to public schools, your beliefs and values are probably being taught already. My 1st grader refuses to say Merry Christmas & has been taught much more liberal views.

My husband & I are Tea Party Conservatives, strong Christian beliefs/values, anti-gay marriage, pro choice (anti late term abortion) only if baby or mom is in fatal danger, pro working hard for a paycheck, no work is beneath you, very limited government, FOX news & Rush Limbaugh lovers.

We have strong beliefs in everything mentioned & we feel it is our duty to teach our children the same. At 3, 5, & 6 they ask a lot of political & religious questions & we explain why we believe that & a little bit about why others believe differently. They have been to Tea Parties & have listened to opposing views too & ask questions.

I know they don't totally get it but one day they will get to make up their own minds, as we cannot 'force' our views/beliefs on them. But if our kids don't have a strong upbringing in 'something' then they probably won't have the desire to seek it out in the future. In other words, for me at least, when I have something that has been taught to me I tend to want to seek out more information which typically leads to finding opposing or differing views so that I can feel like I am making the 'right' choice for me.

My 20 yr old daughter is in college at a large University in Chicago. Every one of her Professors are liberals & will not tolerate any other views. Although her father & his entire family are devout Liberals, some atheist & some Catholic I am proud that (so far) she claims to be a Conservative Christian & displays this proudly on her Facebook page.

I am another liberal atheist (culturally Jewish) Democratic feminist and pro-choice. I have no questions about teaching DS (5) that all people (that includes women) are equal, that all mature adults have the same rights (that includes loving whomever they chose), that all people should have enough to eat, the right to vote, that only a woman has the right to control her own body. How could I teach him anything else? He will continue to learn about science, the scientific method and evolution as he gets older. I guess since I do not see intellectually valid arguments against these positions, I do not feel comfortable presenting ones based upon a belief in god that I do not hold.

"Beliefs" are a journey.

Your daughter will be effected by your own beliefs, but MORE effected by your ability to respect beliefs other than your own, and your encouragement to examine other beliefs just for the sake of understanding the world all around you.

You sound like a fantastic mother (regardless of whether my beliefs are the same as yours or not), since you are leading your daughter into a life of curiosity and growth. Someday she will let go of your hand and continue the journey on her own.

I think you answered your own question, and you might be better off teaching the REST of us HOW!

:)

My husband and I believe the way we do because it's what we think is right and you betcha we are going to teach our children to be the same. I don't understand NOT teaching your children, if it's what you believe is right, why would you not?! We raise our children to be polite and productive members of society and they learn by the examples we set for them. We set these examples for a reason, to learn from us, so why in the world would you not teach them your views and that you think these are what is right?

It's all about teaching your kids to have an open mind.

I am a fiscal conservative, social liberal and pro-life, and I know very well the other side's opinions and positions. I used to be a newspaper reporter and I know how to objectively state the facts about something and also add what one side believes verses the other. I don't think it should be that hard for you to give her both sides of the story and let her think about the pros and cons of each.

In my home, my daughters and I debate and discuss important issues and try to make each other think about why we feel a certain way about things. They know my position, of course, but I entertain their thoughts and keep an open mind that they just might have a slant on something I hadn't thought of yet. Most importantly, we are compassionate toward each other and I encourage them to realize that their opinions are never the only opinion.

Wow, that's a heavy question, but I would say if you teach her to be open-minded about other's religions, politics, cultures, etc. and view everything objectively, then that's a good start. My parents did very much that. We were never taught to hate anyone, but rather to try to understand where someone is coming from and to explore everything for ourselves. I was not brought up in a religious family and now my political views are somewhat different from those of my parents, but they respect that (aside from the friendly jabs, of course, at election time). We do have similar beliefs, but I'm from a different era, so view things much differently at times. But I think it was key that my parents always taught us to be open-minded and to never shut doors, but rather to explore each door and decide for ourselves. You'll have to watch her make mistakes, which is hard, but remember that your job is to prepare her for the real world where you won't always be on hand to ensure that she doesn't make bad choices. Mistakes are part of the learning process, too. Learning or making the choice to understand others before forming an opinion and open-mindedness, those are key.

What an interesting post. I am sorry that I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that it got me thinking. I have been raising my kids in "the way I want them to be" approach and while I do think that is best for my children (parental rights, right?), I may at some point have to address this very subject if my children choise to study or learn or believe in something else...interesting. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and I applaud you for wanting to give this 11 year old the means to decide for herself.
My children go to a privite Christian school. It is important to us for them to get a strong Christian teaching in school. My husband went to the same school. I did not, yet we are both Christians. We believe strongly in giving them a christian upbringing, however, we are prepared to accept what they choose to do with the information they have learned. You can grow up in a house of an athiest and become a christian (me) and you can grow up Catholic and become an athiest (my mom).
You are doing right my your child to want an open learning experiance and like us Christian parents (hope and pray they turn out just like us).

I'm everything you are aside from athiest. I was raised by very catholic, republican, pro-life mother and my dad just went with the flow. Yet here I am. She did nothing to persuade me to be other than her beliefs. When I got older and went to college was when I struck out and investigated every option that was right for me. My son is 8 very intellectual, sympathetic, empathetic and right now...buddhist. He picked up a little bit of it a couple of years back, becasue of a family friend, he mainly meditates and believes that every living thing has rights and has a few mantras. At the same time he goes to Sunday school as I want him also to explore my religion and ifbhe wants to check out others I will take him wherever he wants. We talk about politics , the ways of the world and injustice. I always ask what he thinks and then will share my opinions. I know he will be a wonderful responsible adult and I want him to explore anything and everything of interest and I will support his decisions. He is my son and with the examples me and my hubby set and our expectations of him to be open minded, he'll be able to make his own choices and that's all you can do.

My kids are still pretty young (2 and 4), but I'm just trying to be honest whenever they have questions. Obviously the 2 year old isn't asking, but the 4 year old notices things and asks questions sometime -usually about race. We live in a very diverse area, and he goes to a public school pre-k that has been 100% black until the last several years. Even though all public schools around here celebrate Black History Month and Martin Luther King Jr. Day, he gets a pretty intense immersion into it for someone his age, and he's definitely asked questions that basically stem from historical facts and tidbits he has heard about inequality and slavery and things he hasn't had a chance to study yet. He hasn't really been exposed too much to the abortion debate or other political hot topics, but while I DO want him to be fully informed, I also DO want to somewhat mold his thinking. Ultimately he will make his own decisions like we all do eventually if we're thinkers, but he will probably grow up with a more enlightened viewpoint on WHY choice is important to women's rights and how women were treated until very recently. I'm a bit amazed at how little young people seem to know about the struggle for women's rights in this country and as it continues in the world. Let her know your feelings and opinions. She sounds like a smart girl, so she'll figure out her own opinions with time.

Wow! I love this question! You have so many helpful (and some not-so-helpful) responses, but I thought I'd offer one more thought. My husband and I have always believed that we would allow our children to make decisions about who they are and what they choose to believe. My views match yours, and he considers himself a non-church-going-Christian. I believe in exposing my kids to a variety of views and experiences, but I also feel that doing this before a child is capable of independent thinking can affect this process of self-discovery. It sounds like your 11-yr-old is ready, and it's probably time to allow her opportunities of discovery. How about family movie nights, where you can all watch a documentary or independent film that exposes her to some different view? Then you will be there for a discussion or to help clarify any questions she has. I also like the mom's suggestion to check out the Unitarian Universalist Church. There are likely other churches that would allow the two of you to sit in on a service, though this would be quite a commitment on your part. My parents allowed me to attend church with friends, although we were atheists. I also attended a new-age Buddhist temple with my aunt, and because of the extra lessons from mom and dad, discovered that this particular brand of "Buddhism" was nothing like what was practiced in India or Tibet. The experience taught me that I couldn't take anything at face value, and that exploration and introspection on my part were absolutely necessary. Teach your young charge how to think independently and give her plenty of opportunities for exploration. I personally think she can't help but turn out a spectacular human being with you as her guide!!!

I say "stand for something, or you'll fall for anything!" Nothing wrong with teaching your child what you believe so long as you also teach tolerance and a healthy curiosity.

I actually think approaching the subject with a "you make a decision" is too hard on children! I don't think any child truly decides what to believe for themselves until they become an adult and go out into the world. It's much simpler to teach what you believe and let them go into the world (with tolerance and curiosity) and they will form their own opinions.

A child who isn't sure what to believe is on shaky footing. My stepdaughter was being raised between two very different religions and it was SO CONFUSING to her! Both parents were giving her their "side" and then telling her "but you can believe whatever you want." Poor child didn't know what to believe. Now that she's older they have decided on ONE religion for her, but also granting her the right to learn about the other later on. She's so much more stable now. Kids need stable beliefs. I certainly don't believe everything my parents told me, but I am glad that I had something solid to cling to when I was younger.

It seems, no matter how a child is raised, they will eventually come up with their own opinion. I don't think you have to teach them a certain way to make everything "fair", it isn't natural. It is very normal for a parent to want their kids to believe what they believe, but we all know (because we were once kids), that you learn your own ideas.

I'd say, teach her what you know, and don't worry about the other side of things, she'll find out in due time just like everyone else.

History books have been really helpful. My husband is a history major and explaining things to me from a historical point of view has been really helpful. I think you are doing a great job and I believe her views will be her own. I was raised in a Conservative/Christian family, I went to college, traveled around the world and now am pretty much like you. I formed my views from my experiences and she will too. I would just keep letting her ask questions and then look up what the opposition has to say on it and then keep having discussions on it.

This is a fantastic question and discussion. My only daughter in just 2 so none of this has come up yet. But I am right there with you in your desires for teaching your child. Its a relief to know you and people like you are out there.

Being a liberal, atheist and feminist are in themselves the epitome of 'open mindedness' and learning where you want to be. I think sharing this with your child is great and allows her to think for herself.

You sound like you are living my life. I like you have very strong leanings. What I always did was make equal answers. She would ask what is a Democrat, Republican and Independent. What is a Conservative and a Liberal. So I gave her very basic information. I told her the good thing about America is that we have choices and each person has things that are important to them and their families.

If she asked abut religion, I told her what I knew about different religions. I explained again that each person can find what they feel works well for them. I also explained people believe in having faith, but do not participate with an actual religion. I also explained that some people do not believe in religion or a God and that once again it is good to live in a country where we honor those freedoms.

I just tried to give as much unbiased truthful answers.
If I found an interesting article, I would share it with her, even if it was not my belief, so that SHE could look at her own life and see how it would affect her.

There were times she had her own opinions that did not always follow our thoughts and I just honored that (I did not want her to feel any of my pressures on her).

One thing I love about our daughter is that she has ALWAYS been on her own timeline, her own person with her own ideas.
We never tried to change that. We love that in college she is learning so much that we do not know and she is now teaching us about subjects and allowing us to make up our own decisions about these subjects.

This is a great question and I am working on the same thing with my kids. I freely share my beliefs with them now, but also tell them that they can believe whatever they want. For a long while, I kept my beliefs to myself about religion, because of the stigma of my personal beliefs. However, when they asked me about what I believe recently, I told them openly and added in there that everyone has a right to believe in whatever they choose. Since day one, I decided that we would educate them in many different religions and let them see how they are alike and different. I would love to have them experience multiple churches and temples in a year or so..when my youngest is old enough.

As for politics, it might be challenging for me to be as open minded, but I will do my best. They deserve to grow up knowing that they can choose their own path and they will be accepted by us no matter what they believe.

I generally tell my son what I believe in, when the subjects come up in conversation. I let him know that there are other views out there, and why someone could think that way, but that I (or my religion) disagree with it. For example, discussing during dinner why my husband's family eats fish on fridays during lent, or why some people don't eat pork, others don't eat beef, etc.
I do wish that my son had the opportunity to attend church, because I feel that he is missing out on history, culture, and community associated with it. I'm not worried about what he believes- but that he won't have a clue what people are talking about. Though he'll probably have the same lack of knowledge about popular movies, video games, and cartoon characters.

Will you raise my kids?