Children and Stealing

I don't know what else you can do. he hasn't stolen anything yet so all you can do is warn him that if he does, he won't be welcome to come back and then see what happens. Personally, if I knew he had a habit of stealing, I think I would have to say no to the visit and be honest and tell him it's because he steals. he needs to understand that his actions are how people base their opinion of him and no one likes a thief.

Dear K.,
I really hope your friend is able to get some help for her son since she seems to be very aware of his tendency to steal. It could be a cry for help or an impulse he simply can't control. Either way, he's only 10 and if it's dealt with now, chances are very good that he can get some help and put it all behind him.
I have friends that moved out of town and their daughter kept bugging them to be able to invite one of her old friends over for a weekend before school started. Although it was really none of my business, I strongly advised against it because Kylee had gotten in so much trouble with that girl...everything from sneaking out of the house to running up huge cell phone bills, asking permission to go to a ball game at school and getting caught being completely across town instead....at 12 years old! Kylee got punished, but the other girl never did. She was forbidden to stay away from her, but that proved not to be as easy as it sounded as they had lived right across the street from each other, school, etc.
Anyway, the parents relented thinking that time had passed and in their very, very rural new home they didn't think there was much trouble they could get into. And, they didn't. They were perfect angels. However, after the girl had left, they discovered that all of Kylee's new school clothes and most of her CD's had walked right out their front door with her as she smiled and waved and thanked them for a nice time. When they attempted to talk to the girl's mother, instead of getting the items back, the mother insisted that she had personally purchased all of those things for her daughter herself. (The clothes still had the tags on them).
I don't see that part being the problem with your friend as she at least acknowledges the issue, but I don't know if you should let the boy visit. I know that sounds harsh. If he truly can't help himself, it's almost like setting him up to fail at one more place he won't be welcome. I mean, unless you want to frisk him and make him empty his pockets before he leaves....
It's a tough situation, but I think your friend would understand your trepidation. If he came to your house and stole something, then it leaves it on you to figure out how to deal with it and his mother is the one who should be doing that. There's got to be some underlying reason for him stealing to the point a lot of people don't want him around. It makes me feel sorry for him, really. I think you should be supportive as a friend by encouraging his mom to get him some help so that he can work through this and be on his way to finding the integrity and pride that he can feel by having people trust him as opposed to worrying about turning their backs to him for a second. That can't possibly make him feel good about himself.
I hope you get some other helpful advice and I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

Telling him that may not be enough to stop him but I think it is the right thing to do.

Do you want this kid in your home enough to risk losing things? If so, just be blunt with the kid.

I wouldn't feel comfortable having him stay. His mother has admitted to knowing that he has a stealing problem, therefore, she shouldn't even allow him to stay at someone else's house. I would NEVER allow my child to stay at my friend's house until the stealing stopped. And as her friend, it puts you in an uncomfortable position.

Hello K.: I have had a foster child with this problem.
If the child is stealing just anything and not a certain item. We were taught after a lot of counciling:
1.they may have a empty place with in themselves and feel the item may fill that spot or
2. They are called collectors - they take things to add to their pile and enjoy it in secret.
3. have a disability of some kind that has not been detected and that is how they express it. This is part of several learning disabilities where the person does not understand why they steal but they do-- or don't consider it stealingjust a challenge.
We found for our child they took things because they wanted to be like others and it did not connect that they had to hide it because to show it would mean getting caught. It was several years of hardship and prayer to help this child. Having contact with them now I find they still have the addiction and now it shows in other ways that are harmful. We were told to: Always be up front and honest about our feelings so that all cards are out and no secrets are kept, also to accept that the child can change but it will always be a temptation.
Be upfront with the parents and the child. Let them know you have heard the rumors and that you would rather give an item to someone than to have a theif take it. This will generally we were told take the enjoyment and desire out of it if they are the collector types. You have to know that this will be a hard relationship and you want to go softly with it. SO you don't have problems that make you resentful of a 10 year old child. I hope that the mother has had her child checked by someone trained in this. We were blessed to have a great councilor Elaine Hulme who is nolonger in practice that helped us. I hope that you will be able to maintain what must have been a wonderful and important friendship for the older children to search you out. I have been looking for a friend Nancy for about 35 years after we lost contact while she was in Germany (military) and I was here in CA. So I envy you that part..
Good Luck, Ihope some of our experiance can help. Nana G

Does your friend or you know someone who happens to be a police officer? Suggest to your friend that she tell the child that if he chooses to steal again, then the authorities WILL be called. That way, if you happen to catch him "in the act" then you can confidently say you'll be calling "the police". Or, if you find out once he's left that he did in fact take something, then his mother can call "the police".

Have the officer friend come by in his patrol car & give a stern warning to the child. Seriously, if that doesn't scare him enough to start changing his behavior, then I would definitely consider some sort of counseling for him. I would hope that your friend would want to do everything in her power to help him at this young time in his life, since this is something that could seriously affect him negatively for the rest of his life.

Personally, I wouldn't allow the child over unless I knew there was going to be something proactive from his mom if he were to take something, rather than just an "I'm sorry" kind of thing. And of course, lock up your valuables!

Unless you want to be looking for information on how to reclaim stolen property, don't invite this child over. If his mother and sibs are telling you he has a problem, take it seriously. Assuming you're not prepared to take on what sounds like a very troubled child, back off. It sounds like his family would understand your decision, so why, with all the stress you mention already in your life would you want to take on more? What you might do is help the mom seek help for her son. Stealing, compulsive or otherwise, is a symptom of way deeper issues. Maybe your friend is unaware of programs and counselors that might help her boy understand his own compulsions.

Hi K.,

Wanting to let him know that YOU KNOW about his stealing in the past....I would feel the same way BUT...... just because you KNOW about his stealing, doesn't mean you should address the issue. I think being "aware" of the issue is enough, especially if he doesn't do it to harm someone (sounds like it's for other issue's).

Anyway, if it were my situation, I wouldn't say anything to him, but I would tell my grown children to watch their stuff because he has a problem in the past.

You and your girlfriend are just recently reunited, which means that long distance talking/emails has been your friendship. Sometimes, we women, reach out to our more distant friends when a "family problem" arise because we don't want to talk about it with anyone locally (embarrassing, or whatever.....). So, for now, I would keep that stealing information between you and your friend.

That's just my opinion.....but watch him like a hawk!

~N. :O)

If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it--at least not until you hear of some improvement. He should understand that if he continues to steal, he will spend a lot of time alone! 10 is pretty old to be doing that sort of thing, old enough to understand that what he is doing is wrong and harmful to his relationships with family and friends. It could be for attention--maybe counseling would help? Schools usually have counseling available, for free, and your friend could talk to her son's teacher about trying that, if she is interested.

Hi,

I just wanted to say, why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he has stopped stealing? I would invite him over but let him know your rules. If he wants to use something that isn't his, he needs to ask...I wouldn't word it as stealing. Then if he uses something and doesn't ask, you can let him know it wasn't ok. You also have an opportunity to find out why he is stealing and why he thinks he needs to steal. Maybe he will open up more to you than his mom.

good luck with whatever you decide!

Molly