My 9 year old son is in 3rd grade. He is a great kid but has trouble with talking out of turn and getting off task. His school has a behavior chart called "Class Dojo" and it always seems like the weeks he's with his father are when he is the best behaved at school. My ex and I both try to discipline him the same but I know they way we parent isn't exactly the same as we are two different people. It makes me feel like a terrible mother when I see that he gets more negative marks the weeks he's with me. Has anyone else experienced this?
Do you both have the same bedtime and bedtime routine?
One of our kids was getting to bed a bit later and later - it had crept up over the winter. I just switched it back by 45 minutes, gradually every day (by about 10 minutes) and behavior has greatly improved.
Teachers will often ask this - when they note behavior changes. Just something to consider?
You don't have to parent exactly the same way to keep a consistent schedule. It may be hard to talk to your ex (I don't know what your relationship and communications are like), but if you can share info, there may be things you can adapt.
Also, how long has this been going on? Has your son had the same visitation schedule for a while? If it's new, he may be "better" right now but not stay that way.
I'd also ask yourself if you are being to hard on yourself and putting too much stock in the "class dojo" chart. Maybe it's not that dramatic a difference between weeks. You are getting into the "I'm a terrible mother" head and that may mean you're looking at a few "bad behavior" blips and blaming yourself.
What you might do is give the teacher a head's up about your suspicions, and make sure she has the dates when your son is with you vs. with dad. Ask her if she sees a significant difference.
It's also okay if a boy bonds with his dad and wants to please him - he may be toeing the line more because he sees his father as more of an authority figure. That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
i'd start by not grading your parenting in this fashion. there are lots of reasons the school behavior could be shaking out this way, and it may indeed mean that you should do some tweaking, but you need to step away from the OMG i'm a terrible mother self flagellation and think more about parenting your child appropriately for his needs when he's with you than how to get as many positive marks as your ex.
it may be a good idea to have a chat with your ex and find out what he does differently that just maybe you should emulate.
and the flip side is that talking out of turn and getting distracted are not the worst things a 9 year old can get up to. if he's a cheerful young fellow and handling the joint custody well overall and is getting good grades above and beyond the behavior chart, it may just be a thing that the school is handling appropriately and your role is simply to back them up.
it's great to take into account what's going on at school, and good for you for picking up on the custody pattern. but basing your parenting evaluation solely on the Class Dojo chart is pretty limiting.
khairete
S.
